Date Posted: 26th January 2011
AUSTRALIA DAY! GO OZZIE!
Disclaimer:
The day I own Harry Potter is the day that pigs fly.
*Wingadium Leviosa
That's not flying; that's levitating!
Would you like me to magically give it wings through transfiguration instead? I could if you want.
Fine. The day I own Harry Potter is the day that pigs fly other than in fanfiction. Geeeeezzz.
How about the flying pigs in Spy Kids Isle of Dreams (2)?
Oh for f's sake, I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! There! Ya happy now!
Nope. Technically, if you put pigs in airplanes they are fl-
*Throws really, really, really pointy stilettos at annoying alter ego, somehow stabbing them in the eye even though they technically don't have one seeing as their not real cause they're just a figment of my imagination.
What about dead pigs? Angels have wi-
How the hell are you still arguing with me? You've got a shoe in your eye!
Well, I only need a brain and mouth to argue. I have no need for an eye.
I give up. *waves white flag in defeat
I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! IT BELONGS TO WHOEVER THE HELL OWNS IT - probably JK Rowling or something.
Lily was quite pissed off as she stalked the corridors of Hogwarts, eyes peeled and scanning every nook and cranny, high and low for signs of Potter and his merry band of bloody idiots all day without much success. She had spent much of the day chasing Potter and his gang of delinquent hooligans around Hogwarts hoping to kill him or at least castrate him so he could suffer for the rest of his life. Alas sadly, she had so far been unsuccessful. Potter and co were, as Lily would sadly admit, quite good at defense and hiding. No matter. She would get to them soon. After all, as the saying goes, the harder job, the sweeter the reward - and Potter's screams would be very, very sweet.
Meanwhile, Euphemia and Alice were looking at their friend with worry and a tinge of fear as she feverishly scaled through Hogwarts on one of her crazed hunt for the boys. It was hard to believe this was their once sweet Lily with her eyes looking the way they currently did - sharp, aquiline and twinking with a dash of quintessential evil and mad insanity. They couldn't help but suppress the shiver running up their spines as a crazy smirk crept on her face, amplifying the creepiness of her expression tenfold as she unintentionally caused her wand to shoot sparks. There was no doubt about it; the Marauders were doomed. It was inevitable.
"Us innocents might as well save ourselves whilst we can," thought Mia and Alice, as their sense of self-preservation kicked in and together, they quietly sneaked off to somewhere hopefully safe and away from Lily's mad rampage, leaving the boys to face Lily themselves.
Snape was scowling. Not that he wasn't usually scowling, just that he was currently scowling. So yes, Snape was scowling. Why was he scowling you ask? For the reason that he usually scowls of course. One word. Here's a hint; it starts with the letter 'p' and ends in 'otter'. Yes that's right, Potter (not a bad idea to transfigure Potter into an otter one day. Maybe a pink one just to humiliate him further and represent the 'p'. Yes, not to self: in future, transfigure pathetic Potter into a pathetic, pink otter.
Potter was the bane of his existance; the root of all evil; the most arrogant, pompous, insolent brat ever to have lived in all of Hogwarts if not Wizarding Britain or the World - in Snape's opinion of course (many females, and some males and most people in general would disagree of course), but yes, Potter was the reason for his deep-set scowl.
Snape simply couldn't stand Potter. He continuously pranked, scorned and mocked him. Potter humiliated him, and Snape simply despised him for it. But above all, he hated Potter's relationship with his Lily. Since that first day on the Hogwarts Express, Potter has been out to steal Lily from him, trying to trick her into believing he was a good person and a suitable boyfriend. Thankfully, Lily was smarter than Potter took her for and saw right through his pitiful mask of goodwill. But Potter did not relent like Severus thought he would. Even after five long years, to Severus' bitter annoyance, Potter was still persuing Lily.
For the first five years and the begining of sixth year, things were alright - Lily practically hated James and much as he did, which, to say 'a lot' would be like saying Minister Fudge was a 'little' chubby or that Umbridge was a 'little' pink. However, ever since Potter saved Lily from that Death Eater attack on Hogsmeade, the two have gotten closer. Not dangerously close, as Lily was still uncomfortable with him, but close enough to set Severus on edge.
Luckily for him though, for the past few days Lily had been acting strangely around Potter before outright returning to her previous raging hatred of him due to last night's incident.
Severus blushed indecently at the memory of the half dressed state of Lily from his mind, his young teenage mind and hormones exaggerating it into something he'd rather not tell (but as a hint, it involved red and black lace, ribbons, a jacuzzi and a vial of Invigoration Potion).
Snape quickly swiped the erotic fantasy from his mind - thank god he was wearing robes. Either way, although he doubted they would get close again anytime soon, especially judging by this morning's impressive display of hexes and spine-chilling threats, courtesy of Lily. He needed to make sure they would not only stay, but keep apart.
It was time for Severus to utilise his Slytherin traits and prove his worth as one. Yes, a little nudging here and there, and Lily wouldn't be able to even look at Potter with anything other than disguist and repugnance ever again.
Sirius POV
I gingerly traversed the halls, flinching at even the slightest of sounds. I was well aware how angry Lily was with us, and one of the few things I'd learnt from my five years and few months at Hogwarts was that an angry Lily was worse than ten million ex-girlfriends out for your blood at the same time together, to put it lightly - though, if all my ex-girlfriends were to have a catfight over me in a pool, per say, that's not a bad though...
but Lily? Siriusly, that red head has a nasty temper . Why in the world James would want to date her is beyond my comprehension.
If I had to evaluate Lily, I would agree that Lily was fairly pretty. Her face had soft features with a delicate, straight nose, plump lips and clear, fair skin. Her eyes and hair however, were by far her most distinctive points. You could recognise them from a mile away - figuratively speaking anyway. Those brilliant emerald jewels, framed with long, thick lashes probably made them the most attractive pairs of eyes ever - regardless of how weird that sounds. Coupled with her petite frame, witty brain, kindness (to most people anyway - obviously the Marauders, except perhaps Moony, were excluded) and magical prowress, she actually wasn't that bad.
Her temper however, was a whole other aspect. It didn't matter how pretty she was, she could be as well endowed as Monique Greengrass and I would never consider dating her. Her temper was just too explosive, worse than a bloody volcano, to consider dating. Actually, she would considerably resemble a volcao if we painted her dirt and rock colour with a few minor glamours here and there. Note to self: If you ever survive, prank Lily by making her look like a volcano with charms to make it erupt every time she's angry.)
"I found you Black!"
It is at a time like this, I was glad he had a mouth.
A mouth was good for a lot of things. For instance, if I didn't have a mouth, I wouldn't be able to eat food like sugar, cauldron cakes, chocolate eclairs and pancakes. If I didn't have a mouth I also wouldn't be able to hex Snape, and Merlin knows how on Earth I'm going to continue living if I couldn't do that. Even worse, I wouldn't be able to flirt or snog girls! The horror of it! Now he really couldn't continue living if he was unable to do that. So yes, I'm very, very glad I have a mouth.
However, for this situation, it is not for eating I need my mouth, nor was it for casting spells to hex Snape with, and nor was it for snogging, as important as that is, but no. In a situation like this, a mouth was good for one thing, and one thing only.
"Shit."
Ah, if there wasn't a bloke in the world that didn't like or have a need for the occasional swear.
"If you know what's good for you Black, you will stay there and let me castrate, torture you, extract information on the whereabouts of Potter before killing you slowly in the most barbaric way possible," threatened Lily, in the sharpest, coldest, most evil voice capable of being produced by the human voicebox possible.
"And that's supposed to make me want to stay here and wait for you, how?" Seems like mouths were also good for talking too. Yes, how silly of me, forgetting about talking of all things. Then again, when I talk, most of the time it's flirting anyway, so I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference.
"It will when you listen to what I'm going to do to you when don't stay there and tell me the location of Potter. Here's a hint. It will include, frogs, needles, metal tongs, penuts, hot coal and a hippogriff."
I started sweating.
Normally, I would shrug that threat off seeing as I could not imagine anything worse than castration, torture and interrogation - probably involving more torture - into ratting the position of your friends out before being killed slowly in the most barbaric way possible. However, this was Lily we're talking about. I had no idea how she was gonna use those things to torture us or that they could even be used for torture in the first place at all. All I knew was that I didn't want to find out. I wouldn't bet my chocolate cards on her being unable to come up with something worse than that. Yet another reason to note on why I would never date Lily.
Prongs, you can so have her. I've been traumatised for life.
"I'd love to stay around, but sorry, gotta go," I quickly bid. I didn't even want to say see ya later seeing as that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do right now.
I turned and ran for my life, which by the way, was not an exaggeration. If anything, it was an understatement.
Lily reacted instantly and shot a nasty snot green hex at me. Ewww-
"Protego!" Ah, yet another reason to love my mouth. I kept running and transfigured a few obstacles here and there to buy me possibly a minute or two at best. I turned into another corner before crashing into the last two people I wanted to see in the world (other than Lily).
"Mia! Alice! What are you two doing here?" I asked shocked, it was not like them to not be in their common room at this time. It was late and close to curfew already. Damn, I'd missed dinner trying to avoid her. I guess I'd just have to sneak into the kitchens later. James and Remus would have yet to eat too. I should invite them along. I'm such a forgiving person to invite them along even after all they've done to me such as using me as a sacrifice for Lily of all people.
(A/N - Note that that is entirely untrue and he's only inviting them along so he can use the invisibility cloak which is currently in James' possession.)
"Forget about it. Just please don't hand me over to Lily. Please! She'll kill me!" I didn't beg them; it wasn't begging, just desperate sounding asking with praying gestures in a life or death situation and my manhood most likely on the line. Not begging at all - Blacks never beg.
Merlin that sounded so Malfoy.
"Why should we help you?" asked Euphie with a smug smirk, "Lily's our best-friend. What are you to us?" she said as her smirk ever grew.
I twitched. How dare she treat me like that after all we've been through?
"Reducto!" shouted Lily, as she blew a couple of the obstacles I'd place up.
"Reducto!"
I was starting to get a bit desperate.
"Aw c'mon! Please? I'm practically begging here!" I looked at the two of the desperately.
"And what would we get out of it?" asked Alice, calculatively. Should've known; always the quiet ones...always the quiet ones.
I racked my brain for an answer. There had to be one. I was such an awesome dude after all.
"You would never get to oggle at me again if I died!"
Alice looked at me blandly.
"I see you're as full of yourself as always Black. We'll be glad to get you out of our hair," said Alice. Why she had a sweet smile pasted upon her face I don't, and don't think I ever will understand, but somehow, that looked eviler than any other expression I've ever seen before in my life, scarier than Lily's, and that's really saying something.
"Nice knowing you're going to die a painful death at the hands of Lily, Black," she continued.
"How could you say that? Aren't you supposed to say something nice in a situation like this such as, "Nice knowing you, Black!" or, "Run for it! I'll hold her off my love!" or like, "Quickly, hide I'll hide you under my robes. Now no doing anything naughty in there *wink wink," I said.
"Black," she spat murderously, "If Lily wasn't about to kill you herself in about 30 seconds, I would so sick Frank on you."
Well, that seemed to have back fired. Back to not begging I suppose.
I quickly tried to come up with another reason but still came up blank. This was getting more urgent. By the sound of it, Lily would quickly be cleared of the obstacles I sent her way.
"Oh for Merlin's sake! Can't you just help me? She'll kill me! Castrate me! My manhood, pride, the thing that classifies me as a man, gone! I won't be able to sleep with women anymore! Could you really sentence your fellow classmate to a fate like this? A fate worse than death or any other torture ever conjured by the most sadistic minds of mankind?"
"Yes," Alice said blandly, "it's not as if I'm sleeping with yo-"
"Deal," said Mia, shocking the two of us.
"Are you serious Mia? How are we gonna stop Lily in the middle of her rampage. You and I both know nothing short of all the books and apple juice suddenly disappearing in the world could shock her enough to snap her out of her frenzy," said Alice.
"Luckily, I have just the thing to shock Lily enough to snap her out of her frenzy?"
"Well, whatever it is, you better do it quickly cause Lily is fast approaching!" I quickly added.
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I was kind, generous and lenient. I gave you the choice of being a good boy and choosing a less painful death, but you have not only rejected it but set the corridor up with dummies to shoot spells to make me wear ridiculous outfits? Well you Black," she spat, "have signed up for a fate worse than death and castration!"
If it weren't for my reputation to uphold, I may have very well nearly wet my pants.
By ridiculous outfits, Lily was refering to the gorgeous metallicish dark purple cocktail dress and stylish black heels she was wearing. Only Lily would be complaining and call that hot outfit she was wearing "ridiculous".
"Nice choice. You have good taste, Black," complimented Mia.
"Eh...not that I don't like being complimented on my genius, cause believe me I do, I just believe there is a time and place for everything, and Lily stalking towards me with a murderous look on her face and her wand shooting sparks is definitely not what I call the right time and place," I turned my head towards her, "So do you or do you no- mmphh!"
Yay! I finally finished. I've been so lazy hehehehe.
I hope you liked the chapter and the fic so far. I'm not exactly a brilliant writer or anything for the matter of fact. My friends prefer to call me insane, but hey, if I wasn't insane, this fic would have never been posted, so I hope you enjoyed it.
Once again I hope to post ASAP, but school starts next week (that sucks right? :'( and my ever lazy lazy streak is ever so lazy, so I dunno when exactly "ASAP" is.
Eitherway, I hope this fic wasn't a disappointment.
EXTRA/OMAKE
Sirius had been dead for a few weeks after an incident in the Department of Mystery. Who knew this was what was beyond the veil? People imagine the afterlife as heaven with fluffy white clouds and floating angels dressed in blindingly white robes with a magical halo and wings.
Not this heaven.
Nope. There were no fluffy white clouds, no giant gold gates and most importantly, no hot chicks wearing loose white robes (If only this was a Pure Blonde beer ad - if you don't know, go on Youtube and watch one, you'll get what I mean). What was in this heaven you ask? Why, stacks and stacks of registration papers and documents in this plain white room for him to sign! Mountains of them! If he had known heaven was this boring to get into, he would've stowed away on that dementor-like creep's one way boat on Styx.
"Mr Black, I've come to collect your registration papers as a citizen of Heaven and to remind you that your citizenship test on, 68922.1803 Laws Involved in Being Dead, is in ten minutes." informed Marcus, an official in the Department of Death and Deceaseds' Rights.
"Why am I still here?" Sirius cried, trying to slam his head on the table only suceeding in scattering the heap of documents on his desk, "Great. Just great! Now, not only do I have to read and sign all of these, but I have to reorganise them too!"
Sirius was not a happy chap.
"Well, technically you're not here. You're dead. You're just a spectre produced through the excessive inhalation of Veil particles at the time of death - in limbo, so to speak," Marcus explained.
"But I should be in heaven swimming in a pool of firewhiskey, playing Quidditch or snogging hot chicks! Not drowning in an ocean of forms and legal papers!" Sirius fervently complained.
"Well, technically you can't drown. You're dead. Your "body" doesn't need any form of sustenance to keep it alive…err dead."
"WOULD YOU QUIT REMINDING ME OF THE FACT THAT I'M DEAD?" he shouted at the top of his ghostly lungs.
Sirius was sick of it. Sick of filling in forms. Sick of memorising laws. Sick of counselling with a metsofysikal saikaiatris that needs a new title that's easier to spell. Yes, that's right. Sirius Orion Black was sick of being dead. How many people can honestly say that they would enjoy completing a form entitled, 1001 Ways to Forget that You're Dead and I'm Not. If he ever finds out who made these blasted forms he would personally kill them and make them go through their own torture. Sirius would be laughing if it wasn't for the fact that he was dead.
Hope you enjoyed that little skit.
Please REVIEW and VOTE IN THE POLL!
We had the Sydney Festival just a few days ago. For anyone who wants to watch the video the link is:
.com/watch?v=_9t8zmv6AJc
to youtube of course.
It's of Tchaikovsky 1812, with a choir, canons and fireworks. It's pretty cool.
Please watch it if you have time!
How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Swear
There was actually a study done on the effects of swearing. I think it was Brainiac or something. But what they did, was they got a bunch of random males and females and told them to pick a random word like, table, wood and book and use in place as of a swear word.
What happend was they made them put their hand in a bowl of ice water and use that word, ie table, wood and book or something, and swear with it and see how long they could keep their hand in the bowl.
Then they did a second test and allowed to use words like fuck, shit, damn and stuff, and they lasted longer in the bowl of cold water.
So next time your parents are berating you for swearing, tell them how useful it is and it's effect is backed up with scientific study.