Chapter 16 – Anticipation

Don't own them, just borrow them.

As Castle and Beckett exited the elevator she couldn't decide if she should be excited or annoyed at the sprinkling of yellow that was perched on her desk. So much for keeping things status quo at work, it wouldn't take long for the boys and Lanie to catch on to 'Bruce'.

Beckett knew she should have told him to stop, but knew he would be hurt and heck – what girl doesn't love flowers? Castle quickly left her side and headed straight for the break room, he wasn't sure how she would react. Flowers twice in one day might be too much for Beckett. He settled for peering through the break room blinds as he made their coffee.

He hoped she was smart enough to look up the meaning of Forsythia. The florist obviously skipped his instructions to shape it up like a bonsai shaped heart. Maybe he was being too clever. The Forsythia was a little homeless looking.

Roh, Roh – she was shaking her head.

Beckett couldn't believe it Castle had sent her a small shrub, Forsythia. Not really the flowers she had in mind, were they even considered flowers? Who sends someone a shrub? It was more like a break up plant than a courting plant.

"Sorry bro." Castle jumped at the sound of Esposito's voice

In an attempt to be smooth Castle replied, "Sorry about what?"

"The new guy – the creep sent Beckett a tatty twig. I know you would have sprung for some roses."

Castle turned white – oh it had been a bad idea. His little plant looked hideous. "Um yeah, right – I need to um – hmm, go."

In a gesture of solidarity Esposito took a fist pounded his chest and threw a peace sign, as he watched a pasty faced Castle scurry off to the bathroom.

Beckett plucked the card out of the shrub 'Tonight 7pm? Bruce.' Beckett was surprised at how her heart raced as she read the note. Beckett knew there was meaning behind the shrub, but what was it? Her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was a text from Bruce: Forsythia symbolizes Expectation/Anticipation - looking forward; especially: pleasurable expectation.

Beckett understood now, he couldn't wait for tonight. She quickly replied: Fingers crossed, but this case is hot.

Beckett glanced at her watch it was 6:40pm and she was still working up the murder board. She had sent Castle home at least an hour ago. Beckett had hoped she would get the case laid out and a plan of attack for the morning organized quicker without him distracting her and home by 6:00 in time to change. The case just wasn't cooperating. Beckett was in mid text: '8pm work?' When Esposito called out "Beckett, we got a new lead." She could hear the reluctance in Esposito's voice. He must have plans with Lanie. "Ready to roll?"

"Give me five minutes." Beckett headed into the break room and called Castle. "Hey"

"Hey, guessing from your tone that eight isn't looking good." She could hear the resignation in his voice.

"We just caught a new lead. Esposito and I are headed out."

"I could meet you." His voice sounded hopeful, until he heard the weariness in her voice. "We have to drive out to Brookhaven. It'll be a long night and we have an early morning too."

The silence on the other end of the phone meant he was trying to think up reasons to join her, before he could come up with one she said. "Stay home and sleep for both of us."

Tuesday rolled into Wednesday. Wednesday bled into Thursday. Three days of nonstop work for Beckett and Esposito. Normally Beckett and Castle would take part of the case and Esposito and Ryan would attach another angle. Things were a little tight with Ryan off on his honeymoon. Beckett didn't think it was fair to have Esposito work alone or to pull in another officer. She would rather tough out the hours and keep it to her team, even if that meant no time for a date.

Castle understood the demands of her job. He had spent the past four years at her side working unpredictable hours, a schedule made by the hands of others. He just never thought he would be jealous of the hours she spent dedicated to it. The job had more alone time with her than he did. Once Beckett sunk her teeth into a case she wasn't letting go until she had solved, he respected that about her. Even when they were alone in the Crown Vic she was all work, 110% focused at the task at hand. Solve the case. How could he compete?

By Thursday night Castle had had enough. Beckett had once again sent him home, always by dinner time. He knew Beckett sent him home, in part because she felt guilty, guilty that she was keeping him from time with Alexis. That was one of Kate's most endearing qualities; she genuinely cared about his relationship with his daughter. Other women had said they admired how Castle loved and cared for his daughter, but they never really meant it or showed it, words were cheap.

Kate had never come out made a statement about Castle's parenting, she simply put Alexis first. Always. Never questioned if Alexis called and Castle needed to leave, she actually pushed him out the door. Most women Castle dated felt threatened because Alexis' was his priority, Kate embraced it.

All that aside Castle was done waiting for a date, or a few minutes where he could hold her in his arms and capture her lips with his. He knew Beckett and Esposito would be spending the evening combing through video tapes and stacks of paper. Nothing exciting or glamorous but he still wanted to be next to her, giving him the opportunity to breathe the air she breaths and just to watch her. At the same time Castle knew she wouldn't be happy if he popped by the precinct after he had gone home for the night. It was time for a different approach.

Around 9:00pm Castle checked in with Beckett and found out she was headed home within the hour. Castle grabbed a back pack and loaded it up with goodies from his fridge. Nothing too decadent, a bottle of red, a baguette, a sliver of Sottocenere, a collection of fresh fruit and the two pieces of Kee's Chocolate. Alexis THOUGHT she had hidden the Kee's from him, he'd buy her more. Not exactly a full meal, but a delectable late night snacks. And just for good luck he threw in a pair of clean jeans and a comfortable plaid flannel shirt. A guy can dream right?

It was just after 11:00pm when Beckett heard the ding of the elevator signal the arrival on her floor. Normally she would have taken the stairs, but tonight she was beat. All she wanted to do was slip out of the clothes she had been wearing for the past 36 hours, take a hot shower and sink into the tranquil abyss known as her bed.

She jerked her head up at the sight of Rick slumped against her door as he fought off sleep. His head would drop to his chest, only to jerk up; he would then rub the sleep out of his eyes and repeat. Rick repeated his routine 3 times before she reached her door.

Kate crouched down and kissed the tip of his nose. He reached out with one hand and pulled her on to his lap. His smile brightened as he asked "Are you real or a mirage?" She pressed her lips to his, slowly prodding his lips to open with the flick of her tongue. Castle deepened his kiss and muttered against her lips "Real."

Kate returned the intensity of his kiss "Been here long?"

His hands skimmed down her shoulders "About an hour" bringing her closer so that he could sniff her hair and run his fingers up the back of her neck.

Kate began to wiggle out of his grasp, but not before lacing his fingers with hers. She gave his arms a tug to help him to his feet. His back pack slipped off his shoulder and swung between their joined hands. "Movin' In?"

Castle gave a sheepish grin, "Maybe, but I brought snacks."

Kate gave a disapproving shake of her head, but he could tell by the look in her eyes she wasn't sending him home, at least not right now. She unlocked the door, flipped on the lights, reached up and brushed his hair off his forehand and gave him a quick kiss. Yep, he was staying.

"Give me fifteen?" Before he could answer she quickly hung up her coat and headed to her bedroom.

Castle made himself at home. He unpacked his goodies and artfully arranged them on the coffee table. He knew she would still be hungry. Work didn't allow for regular meals and definitely didn't provide wine. Castle was mid pour when she walked back in the room. The leather jacket, jeans and awe inspiring boots had been replaced by a well-loved New York Yankees t-shirt and nothing more.

Kate knew she would never tire of his appreciative inventory of her body. Ultimately she worked out for her own benefit, but watching his eyes skim over her body was a welcome fringe benefit. "Hey"

"Hey." Kate heard Castle gulp several times before he said "I am a patient man, but go put on some pants."

Kate laughed as she hiked up her t-shirt to expose a tantalizing pair of short – SHORT boy shorts. "What? No good?"

Castle bit his knuckle, shook his head no and gestured towards her bedroom.

Kate took a leisurely walk back to her bedroom. Castle's eyes were drawn to the sweet spot were her legs disappeared into her t-shirt. His teeth clamped down harder on his knuckle in an attempt to smother the moan he felt welling inside, he was home free until he let out a little sigh. Damn.

Kate slowly, seductively turned her head back over her shoulder. Rustled up her hair to a curly mound that she knew drove Castle insane and repeated "Still want me to change?"

Castle covered his eyes "Pants."

"Never thought I would hear Richard Castle tell me to put clothes on, maybe take them off, but put them on…never." He laugh echoed around the room as she left.

She returned moments later in a pair of overly large unflattering grey sweats, with the waist band rolled down, giving him a peek at her tummy. She knew he enjoyed looking at her flat stomach and running his fingers over her hips.

Castle's eyes looked her up and down "Better."

She knew he was dying to ask, but too afraid to ask whose pants they were. It was late and he brought snacks, she let him off the hook. "Not flattering, but when I stayed up at my Dad's over the summer I needed something I could manage without a struggle or pulling at stiches and staples."

Kate caught the look of pain flitted across his face. She knew he wasn't ready to hear about the time they had spent apart or the healing process. "Let's see what goodies you brought." The light returned to his face.

It was late. They had put away the remains of their picnic, placed the cushions back on the couch and stood staring at each other. That awkward moment where he either asked to stay or she invited him to stay had arrived. He couldn't get a read on her. Rick picked up his back pack, took his time zipping it, giving her a change to ask him to stay, she said nothing. He slowly headed towards the front door. He felt her arms slip around his waist and her chin rest on his shoulder. She began dropping tiny kisses across the back of his neck moving from one ear to the other. It was easier to show him he should stay then to ask him. Castle still wasn't certain, he summoned his courage "Are you asking me to stay or saying good night?"

Her arms tightened around his waist and she rested her cheek on his back. He felt her breathing quicken as she melded her body to his. It amazed him how she could be so open with her touches. All night some part of her was brushing, leaning or holding him but she couldn't ask him to stay. And yet, it was Kate who had asked him to stay the night of the wedding and now something was holding her back.

"I'm going to take that as a yes."

Kate buried her face in his back and whispered "Good."

Castle wore a silly little grin when he noticed that "his" tooth brush was carefully hanging next to hers. He knew which was which because she had written on the mirror in lipstick "Yours" and had a big blush pink arrow pointing towards it.

Castle emerged from her bathroom in his t-shirt and the sweats he had worn over to her place. He was tossing back the covers on his side of the bed when he heard "Drop 'em."

He turned around to see that between leaving the bedroom to do her final sweep of the apartment and now Kate had lost the baggy sweats. His heart began to race as he stammered "Drop what?" Why oh why did she have to show off those legs?

"Your pants."

"No way."

"Really? 'Mr. I'll Sign Your Chest' is becoming a prude?"

Castle desperately wanted an official first date before things went any further than kissing, touching and cuddling. It was easy the first night, because he didn't want to rush things, now she was testing him. "No, I need them for protection."

"Protection from what?" Her eyes dared him to say it.

He survived the dare "You."

"Well, then we are at a stale mate. Because there is no way you are getting in my bed in sweats that you most likely sat in a grimy cab in and I know you sat outside my door in."

It was all starting to making sense to him; Beckett is a bit of a clean freak. "One condition."

Her face wore a challenging smile as she slid her gun between the mattress and box spring and crawled in under the covers. "Condition?"

He crossed his arms and attempted to look stern "Yes, you go out with me on Friday night. A proper date. A first date."

The smile faded from her face "Can't. Rain check?"

He pursed his lips, removed his sweats "Plans?"

"Yes." She squinted at him, willing him to let it rest.

He slipped into bed beside her "Break them."

Her eyes lowered "Can't."

They were entering dangerous territory; each could tell the other wasn't going to back down. Rick knew by the look on her face and her terse one word answers that she didn't want to talk about it. But he needed to talk about it.

Kate's eyes silently pleaded with Castle to stop asking.

His fingers began to brush across her forearm "What are they?"

"Personal." He wasn't going to drop it.

She turned off the bedside lamp so he couldn't see her face. She didn't want to hurt him, but she wasn't ready to share that part of her life with anyone. Well, no one from her BS life. Dr. Burke had encouraged her to stop segmenting her life into time lines. Life before mom was shot - BM. Life after mom was shot - AM. Life before she had been shot or BS (before sniper) as she like to call it and then there was AS (after sniper) She still had her demons and time lining her life by tragic events was still one of them. Dr. Burke challenged her to begin to define her life by happy moments, she still wasn't there.

Not the way she had wanted to go to bed, thinking about Dr. Burke. Laying in the dark side by side with Rick, not touching, surrounded by silence. It was crazy how alone she felt with him lying that close to her, it was her own doing. She was shutting him out. Kate knew he was hurt, but she wasn't sure she was ready for Rick to see her so raw. She didn't think she could go through with it if he was there.

The bed creaked as Castle turned on to his side, leaving her his back. It would be easier to leave than to stay. But what were they even fighting about? Was it a fight? It felt like a fight, telling him it was 'personal' cut like a knife. He wanted in. He thought the walls were down.

Kate knew that she had to make the first move, she could feel his pain radiating beside her as he let out little huffs of air. Kate rolled to her side; reaching a hand out across the cold darkness to run her fingers across his forearm until she found his hand. She struggled to link her fingers with his, his hand remained clenched. Kate inched her body closer so she could whisper in his ear, even if though no one but Castle could hear her. They were alone.

Her warm breath played on his cheek, he knew she was trying. That her way was with a look or a touch not words. He opened his hand to hers in a silent peace offering.

Hidden in the darkness a silent tear slipped from her eye. She clutched his hand tighter. "You could meet me there." To have him there would let him see how far she had come and how much more work she had to do. Kate knew it wasn't as scary as she was making it out to be, but every step in the healing process stung in its own unique way.

Castle's mind was reeling. Meet her where? He already knew about Dr. Burke and Roger and didn't think she would refuse to tell him if she was meeting with one of them.

He turned to face her.

She buried her face in his chest.

He whispered in return "I'd be honored."