Chapter 17 – Secret Society

The case wrapped up midday, leaving a mountain of paperwork. Kate sent Castle home shortly after lunch. She told him she would give him the address later. It was only a 10 minute cab ride from his place and that the attire was casual, jeans casual not Castle casual.

Castle knew that Kate was holding out on the address to prevent him from researching it. He sat at home waiting for her to call or text. Castle was never very good at killing time, he needed to be busy. What was Castle casual? At first he tried on several outfits, until he checked himself out in the mirror and thought 'Is this what teenage girls go through?'

Castle settled on jeans straight out of the wash, iron virgins, t-shirt covered by a plaid shirt and an Aussie style duster. Following his personal fashion show, Castle tried writing. His mind was otherwise occupied. His ability to concentrate on anything other than what Kate might up to was lacking. She had been slightly on edgy all day, even a bit distant. He had tried repeatedly to tease it out of her, his jokes fell flat. The best response he had gotten as a few classic Beckett eye rolls and a brief squeeze of the hand, right before she sent him home.

At 6:40pm his phone finally vibrated, signally a text from Kate, he was discouraged that it wasn't a phone call: Look for the black-hued entrance that's down a set of metal stairs with a white "19thHole" stenciled above the doorway. If you need another clue, there's an American Flag spray-painted near the entrance. If the door is locked, go ahead and ring the buzzer so they'll let you in.

The cabbie pulled up in front of a row of non-descripted east village walk ups. Castle hesitated for a moment, when out of the corner of his eye Castle caught the spray-painted flag which led his eye to the white 19th hole lightly etched above an old wooded door. He jumped out of the cab with renewed excitement; he thought he knew all the secret little haunts of New York City. If he hadn't had the clue about the American flag he might have never found the hidden gem. That was the point, wasn't it?

Sure enough the door was locked. It took a minute to locate the recessed buzzer in the old wooden door. This place, whatever it was, most likely remained completely unknown even to some of its own neighbors.

Castle tentatively pulled the door open when he heard the buzzer signaling the door was unlocking. He had to duck his head, careful not to hit his head, as he stepped down the dark stairwell. A well-defined bouncer with a high and tight haircut gave him the once over, who was he kidding the guy was ripped. Castle sucked in his stomach, made a mental note not to piss that guy off, at the same time he challenged himself to remember the last time he worked out. The answer was, not lately.

Castle anxiously scanned the bar for Kate, he couldn't locate her. He settled for taking mental inventory of the hidden treasure he was about to explore; it was a dimly light tavern which was dark in decor. The type of place one expected to smell of stale beer, he was pleasantly surprised that it didn't. It held roughly a dozen tables and a bar that had room for 15. Opposite the entrance was a raised floor with a single stool, a stage of sorts. There was something oddly comforting about the place. People seemed to be nursing their beers or sticking to water. There was no music, simply the hum of hushed tones of intermingled exchanges.

Out of the corner of his eye Castle caught a little gnome of a man smiling and beckoning him over. Castle headed towards the barkeep, the first thing he noticed about the barkeep, was how his face accented by a well broken nose. "Betting your Rick, they call me Ben."

Castle couldn't help but feel several pairs of eyes turn to inspect him. He felt like an outsider. They seemed to know him but he obviously didn't know them. Where the hell was Kate?

Castle gave Ben a curt nod accompanied by a flash of his book tour smile. Ben tossed a napkin in front of barstool indicating that Rick should take a seat. It was tucked in the corner but had a clear view of the makeshift stage. "What are you drinking?" Castle wagered on a beer, there wasn't a wine glass in sight.

The writer in him was whirling "What is the place? Something doesn't add up."

Ben grinned as he served Rick's beer. "She said you would start asking questions. It's an island in the sea of chaos. We are a member's only kind of place. On rare occasions we allow family members, by invite only." Castle received the message loud and clear, he wouldn't be allowed to simply stop by because he felt like it. "Kate's here?"

"In the back, first up."

Castle moved to stand up until he felt a forceful yet friendly hand hold his forearm to the bar. "Let her be." He rubbed his free hand through his hair. "This is all a mystery to me. I'm not good with mysteries."

Ben cocked a brow at Castle "So, that wasn't your mug on the back of the Richard Castle book Kate would sit here and read? How about you just relax and drink your beer."

Ben was clearly done talking. Castle settled for taking small sips of his beer as he waited for the evening to unfold. There he was killing time again. The waiting game was emotionally draining. He struggled to get his mind around Kate being a regular at a hidden bar while clutching one of his books, with a barkeeper who was all of 5'6" and looked like he could kill a man when needed.

"Let's give a warm welcome to Kate. Some of you might have noticed this gorgeous lady lurking in the corner for the past 4 months. I know at least a few of you fellas asked me to put in a good word. "

A few brawny guys stood up, catcalling and whistling as Kate came out of the shadows of the curtains carrying a guitar. Her hair was in corkscrew long curls, he had never seen it like that before, and wavy yes – but wild in what he could only presume was its natural state - No. He liked it.

She was dressed in a soft grey long sleeve t-shirt, well-loved jeans and her motorcycle boots. She perched herself on the lone wooden stool. She looked lonely as she bowed her head, in what had the appearance of a silent prayer. Kate still hadn't lifted her head when she began to speak. "Like a lot of you I found my way here because of Dr. Burke."

Castle heard a soft ripple of respectful laughter accompanied by slight nods of the head. "I spent the first few months here reading a book and nursing a beer in the corner. Until this guy…" gesturing to Ben "…said I had been sitting around watching for long enough."

Castle noticed how she began to chew on her lip, how her chest rose and fell with the gulp of air she took in before she looking up and scanning the crowd. Her eyes settle on him, she took another deep breath. He urged her to continue, trusting she could feel his strength and his love, he had no clue what was next but he knew it took courage.

"I'm a NYPD Homicide Detective and I've had a rough go of it, someone decided to use me as target practice. I was told I died a couple times…" She ran her hand through her hair "…as you all know it really fucks with your head…"

This time the laughter was louder and the head bobbing was more pronounced.

"…Of course it doesn't help that the fucker was after me because I wanted to know who murdered my mother, I rarely if ever drop f-bombs, at least not out. You know sometimes it's the only thing that really describes how I feel or think about someone."

Several patrons began to clap, there were more catcalls and whistles, a few raised their glass in silent support.

"I should have written this down. But Ben said that was cheating – it's just supposed to flow." Another warm chuckle fluttered through the crowd. Castle had the sense many of them had been told the very same thing. Who really was this 'Ben?'

Kate blinked several times, tightening her grip around her guitar. Her knuckles went white, she lifted her head. "For the first few months after the fucker tried to shoot me through the heart, I thought I had my shit together. You remember that moment when you drew on all your training and you knew how to survive?"

Heads bowed in respect, Castle could see chest and back heave in solidarity, and he willed himself not to move, not to flinch. He was a guest.

"I'didn't….no training, no support, no friend, no family gave me the coping skills to survive. I went off the deep end. I went so far off the deep end I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I started to hallucinate, I drank wildly, and trashing my apartment became a nightly ritual in an attempt to maintain my sanity. I would pass out, get up go to work come home and do it all over again. I was like a hamster in a habit trail running through the maze of life getting nowhere fast. I was a handful."

Out of the corner of her eye Kate saw the flicker of recognition in Rick's eyes. He had been there. She knew if she looked him square in the eye she wouldn't be able to finish. She was relieved when he looked down and reached for his beer.

"I have been so very lucky, my partner, my team and my Dad stood by me. I know from your nights up here that, it doesn't always work out that way. I've been so very lucky, many of you have ended up destroying the very thing you love the most."

Kate took a moment to find Rick's eye – flash a smile saying 'I'm alright.' He returned a smile that said 'I'm here for you.'

"I suppose that's my biggest challenge, not ruining those things that are good in my life. Shedding the guilt that says I shouldn't be happy. Finding a way to embrace my personal damage and make it strength rather than a weakness. Wish I could claim that phrase as my own – but it came from one of our own."

Kate loosened her grip on the guitar and stroked it lovingly.

"Bet your wondering about the guitar. I use to love to play. My mother taught me to play and although I pick it up from time to time. I've never made it through an entire song since she was murdered. I didn't feel like I had the right to enjoy something that we loved together. So, I'm hoping that all of you will indulge me and help me get through it."

And with that she began to play.

The Promise – Tracy Chapman

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.