Hey guys, sorry for keeping so long but my work, camp with the kiddos and my computer breaking down kept me from being able to write you guys another chapter. I wrote it quickly on the computer of a friend, so i didn't check for spelling mistakes. Please forgive me if you find any!

Anyway this chapter is my try at Quinntana, tell me what you think?

Again lot's of love to all the followers, reviewers and all the people who have favorited this story! You make me want to write another chapter to this story!

Enjoy and review please?!

Last time on "I won't but i will" :

As he opened his mouth to speak again the phone rang. Thinking nothing of it I picked it up and pressed it to my right ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi Bitch, finally decided to pick up the phone did you?"

My eyes went wide as saucers and my mouth fell open in shock.

"Uhm, hi San, how've you…"

Her voice was sharp and cut me off before I could even utter the lamest sentence ever. Good job Fabray. I mentally cursed myself for being so blatantly casual about this mess.

"Oh don't you dare ask me how I've been Fabray! You've only ignored my calls for three whole months, not opened the door when I stood there ringing the doorbell like a lunatic for hours on end.. Oh but you did grace me with a text message saying: 'I can't come to the door right now, I'm sick."

"I'm so sorry San but I.."

Again she cut me off, not quite finished with what she had to say to me. I sighed painfully, guilt started to eat at me when I realized what I had put my best friend through.

"No I don't want your sorry excuses Quinn, I want answers. NOW!"

I took this as my chance to make it right, to see how mad I had made her and if this time I might've really crossed the lines for good. It was time for the truth, or at least the most truth I could give her right now. Shit things were so complicated right now it wasn't even funny anymore. Not that I've even had the slightest inclination to start giggling 'oh dear I'm a vampire' but you catch my drift. I saw Nathan watching me intently, I knew he could probably hear what I was thinking. I didn't know what to tell her. Instead of helping me out he shrugged his shoulders. I sighed heavily.

"I've really been sick San."

I could hear the intake of breath as she was trying to calm herself down before spitting her next reply into the phone.

"Oh come on for three months Q. ?"

"Yes. It's, well it's complicated."

I sighed again. How much could I tell her? She was my best friend but this crap was even unbelievable for me and I am the one living it. Nathan had lifted himself off the couch and was slowly waltzing back towards the kitchen while he motioned with his hands that he was thirsty. I figured he wanted me to have some privacy. Or at least the feeling of privacy.

"How? I called every hospital in the fucking state of New York Quinn, I even checked in with Britt to see if maybe you'd gone over there or something.. Fuck Q, you have no idea how hard that was for me!"

That took me by surprise. After their break up me and Santana had grown immensely closer, we could barely function without one and another. Especially with the whole Rachel thing that I had going on before. But lately we had begun to live our own separate lives even though we still stayed as close as before. I knew how much she still loved Britt, just like I still loved Rachel. We were perfect for each other in the sense that we completely got one another and we both knew that we would never find another like the loved ones we lost, ever again. So we settled for each other. Being best friends with benefits was perfect. It was everything we needed. She still shagged around some and I still did too but the best nights I had were definitely spent with the Latina. I just couldn't imagine what she must've felt to pick up that phone and call Britt, all because she got so worried about me. The guilt multiplied by a hundred and I felt tears brimming my eyes. Suddenly I felt a small child like hand on the small of my back, I glanced down with my head hung with shame and he gently cupped my cheek before sending a thought into my head.

Be brave, she needs you just as much right now.

I shook my head slightly, realizing he was right and asked her with a small voice.

"You called Britt?"

"Yeah.."

I could hear the pain in her voice. Shit, what had I done? What had I put my best friend through?

"Oh San…"

I wanted to cry, except that I didn't really know how to cry anymore. I cried my heart out about Rachel afterwards in the arms of Santana but after that I only cried once more when I found the Latina broken on her apartment floor after the break up with Britt. Something I will never really forgive the blonde for, was breaking our best friend's, her lover's heart.

"Never mind, that's not the point.. If you were as sick as you claim then why weren't you in the hospital Q?"

"It wasn't.. They said it wasn't treatable, it was supposed to kill me I guess but it didn't."

I could feel the rage coming on, like the calm before the storm. Somehow saying the words made me realize how much of a closed off fool I've been. Thinking of no one but myself. I prepared myself for the outburst that was inevitable. Nathan retracted his hand and took his place on the couch again but gave me a look that told me he was there for me anyway.

"Say what? You mean that you KNEW you could be DYING and you just chose to go lock yourself away in this god forsaken town house not even caring that there were other people out there who might, I don't know, LOVE you? Huh? What if you had died Q? I would've never had the chance to say goodbye? Never had any closure? You're all I have left bitch, and I'm all you got left. How could you do that to me?"

I deserved her lashing out but I hardly understood myself why I had wanted to lock myself away from the world and just waited to die. It didn't seem natural now, it didn't seem logical but somehow at the time it had made sense in my head. I wouldn't be tempted to hurt anyone, I wouldn't have had to face anyone or say goodbye. It had seemed the perfect solution at the time. It had felt right. Besides I had figured it would've only taken three days. I never anticipated that it would take me three months and by the end of it I would still be alive.

Yes, that is something I do not know how to explain to you just yet I'm afraid.

Well what am I supposed to tell her then?

Try and talk to her about how you felt? Explain to her your reasoning for your decision. She seems like a very pragmatic thinking person.

I sighed heavily again and opened my heart just that little bit more.

"I didn't think that far, it was supposed to go quick but instead it just kept dragging on.. and by that time I was, I don't know how to explain it but it was like I was already dead? God, that sounds stupid but I was just, not really 'living' in this world anymore. I was just waiting really."

Her reply wasn't what I was expecting.

"I get it. Kelsey worked with those cancer patients ya know? She told me how some of them just went into this kind of trance that is supposed to prepare you for dying. I get it I guess, but does not make me forgive you like that Q. Fuck I just…"

"I'm so sorry San, but this shit that happened to me it's just so unreal. You have to believe me I never meant to hurt you it just seemed right at the time, it felt right what I was doing. Just, please forgive me? I know I don't deserve it San but…"

"Hold up Q. You almost died alright. That kinda gives you the get out of jail free card ya know? So stop sweating 'bout that I just wanted to vent out a little."

"I deserved it, I know I messed up San."

"Yeah you did Blondie but it's not like I haven't messed up before either allright?"

I chuckled. God I loved that spicy girl so much, I couldn't believe I ever forgot about her in the first place.

"Now stop beating yourself up and tell me when can see your scrawny ass? Cause you're not dead now anyways since you're answering the phone and all and I need some homemade cooking to fill up my stomach cause that microwave shit ain't good for nothing."

I laughed, so freely and openly I almost gave myself a heart attack. God she was the only one who could still make me laugh these days, the only one who would keep me in the land of the living. She was the only one who put up with me and understood me like only a best friend could. I realized I wanted her to know this, fucked up mess that I was living in. I wanted her to see it and decide for herself. I loved her and I needed her. Damn the land of the dead, I was back and kicking. I was given another chance and I owed it to my girl to make it up to her.

"I missed you too San. You know what? I'll text you the groceries list and you just drop by around four?"

"Who says I'm willing to go shopping for you Blondie?"

"Well, I was thinking of baking my famous peanut butter cookies again with jam decorations but if you don't want to I guess …"

"Hold it right there Tubbers, imma get you your shit don't worry."

I rolled my eyes at the nickname but chose not to comment on it.

"Oh you changed your mind, did you huh?"

"You had me at cookies. See yah soon Q."

I could hear her smile through the phone and a small smile formed itself on my own face.

"Yeah see you soon San."

"And well you know that shit too."

My heart warmed at her words. I knew what she meant but I wasn't going to push it. This was just fine. It meant enough to me. She knew I'd understand what she actually wanted to say.

"I know, I shit you too."

"Bitch."

"Yup."

I chuckled again at our sarcasm.

"Bye Q."

"See you soon sweetie."

"just so you know, I'm puking now."

"I thought you didn't have a gag reflex? Isn't that what you bragged about in junior year?"

"Shut up bitch."

"You wish."

"Gotta go though Q. I have groceries to buy."

"She's got you whipped."

"She wishes."

"Bye san."

"Bye Q."

When I heard the dial tone I hung up too and turned to meet the shining eyes of Nathan. He just nodded, the question didn't even need to be spoken. Santana was in my life, she had always been and as far as I was concerned she was always going to be. She was all I had left and I could not be without her any longer.? I needed my best friend here. To hold me and tell me I wasn't a monster. That I was still me. That I could still live my life and that she still loved me.

Suddenly the emotional turmoil made me feel so dirty and ugly. I could feel self-hate pouring through me again and two little arms wrapped themselves around me. They weren't Santana's, definitely not Rachel's but somehow they offered just as much warmth. He rocked me back and forth gently and lifted my chin up so I had to look him in the eyes.

"You're still you Quinn, you've changed only superficial. You can still be you. You are still beautiful. And you are not alone. You have me and you have that girl you were talking on the phone with."

"Santana."

"Yes her, you have her as well. You are going to be okay, I promise."

"I love her, she's my best friend, I can't lose her."

"You won't."