Dear Mum,

It has been a very awkward week... Austin powers arrived a few days ago, that's when he and M... You know... Did it. Humph. See if I care. I'm sure he's bisexual, but he would never love me. James declared his undying love for me an hour ago, so I was pretty happy about that. He's soooo hot. I could go all night.

Love, Q. X

Dr Evil's secret underwater lair...

'Hello, chums, and welcome to my underwater lair. It's long, hard, and full of seamen... Muhaha!' The place fell silent. 'No? Nothing? Not even a giggle? Sheesh. Tough sub. Mini-me, come on in. I have chocolates! He's gone crazy for them ever since number two gave him them. Anyway, our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.' Scott sniggers. 'What?'
'Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you prick!'
'I don't... Understand... Would you like some ice-cream?'
'Yes. I would looove some chocolate ass-cream.'
'Hm. Perhaps later.'
'Dr Evil, I love your your plan.' Number 2 comes out to the room.
'You do?' Dr Evil is astonished. Normally, Number 2 is quite "rude" and has other ideas.
'Yah, Its a really good plan!' Frau looked away and smirked as she said it.
'Yes Frau, on the whole Preperation H does feel good.' Scott starts laughing again, uncontrolably. 'WHAT NOW?'
'Oh no, nothing... I suppose Preperation H does feel good on the hole.'
'Ok... Well, Austin Powers has foiled every single plan I have thought of. But Preperation H Is so good...' Dr Evil is once again cut off by Scott's laughing. 'SHUT UP!' Scott doesn't stop. 'Mini-me likes chocolate. Scotty don't!'
'I never said I didn't like cho...'
'Scotty don't!'
'I neve'
'Scotty don't!'
'Y'know, this is causing me serious psychological harm!'
'Boo-friggin-hoo, I was adopted by frickin Belgains.' Scott Left the room.
'Carry on, Docterr.'
'Thank you Frau. As I was saying, Preperation H is so great nobody can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.'
'Hold it right there, Dr Evil!' Austin Powers bursts in with some of the army.
'Shit.' Dr Evil stamps his feet and crosses his arms.

Back in London, MI6 HQ...

'Hey Baby, yeah! By the way, I caught Dr Evil. Now shall we shag now, or shag later?'
'Later. We have to go and do a mission together in Las Vegas. This is the first mission I've done since I was 40, So it's been at least 20 years since I've been on one. Your job is to protect me. We are going to meet one of Dr Evils assassins and closest friends - Number 2.'
'Groovy, Baby! When do we leave?'
'Now.'

On Austins private jumbo jet...
'Can I ask you something, baby?' Austin asks M
'Yes, Austin?' Austin jumps onto the leopard print bed. He beckons M to join him. M sits with him, and as she does, Austin presses a button and the bed begins to spin. She quickly gets off...
'Do I make you horny? Do I make you randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?'
'Oh, Austin...'

Las Vegas Royal Casino...
Austin and M are sitting with Number 2 And Number 2's companion
'Hello, I'm Harry Cartwright, and this is my mother, Anastasia. Yes, my grandmother always was a posh tosser. You are...?' Said Austin.
'I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. And this is my boss, Number 2.'
'Nice to meet you, Anastasia. I'm Number 2, founder of No.2.'
'Oh, yes! What do you specialise in?'
'Toilets... Speaking of which, I must be excused.' Austin follows Number 2 into the little boy's room, only to find he is not there. Upon entering, he finds a man from Texas.
'So, Pardner, how you doing in there?' Austin was going to reply when he heard a tinkling noise from behind him. he put his hands in a fist in front of his throat. One of Dr Evils asssassins was trying to strangle him.
'Nnnnnggghhhh' Austin was struggling.
'Come on, pardner! We're gonna get through this, come on!'
'Nnnnnngh!'
'Grab something tight, bite your tongue and push!'

to be continued...