Chapter 37 Minutes and the Middle

Disclaimer – the characters are not mine, the forward progression is.

Kate led the way to the corner suite, gesturing for Rick to use his card key. Rick waggled his eyebrows at her and gestured towards the little black bag. "Would you like me to carry that in for you?"

Reflexes took over, causing Kate to crush the bag to her chest. In a feeble attempt to recover from her over dramatic clutching of the bag she responded with a seductive purr. "All in good time, Ricky."

Rick sucked in a noisy breath, rasping out, "Lookin' forward to it."

For both of them the hallway suddenly shrunk to an unbearably small space as they waited for the little light to turn green, granting the entrance to their room. Their suggestive banter was no longer a safe place to hide. It wasn't just banter any more.

As Rick held open the door the last of Kate's bravado drained from her body. He placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back and gave her a little nudge forward. Kate averted her eyes, but flashed a shy smile before dipping her head while mumbling, "Time to get real."

Rick stopped to ask himself why he had never been to the Ritz before. The space was a gorgeous two bedroom corner suite. Kate was right, the view was stunning. The midday sun flickered like little flames off the Hudson. Rick was positive Lady Liberty winked at him.

Kate left his side to wander over to the window. He caught her eyes in the reflection of the window as he dropped his bag next to hers. It was comforting to see her bags weren't hidden away in a bedroom. Rick took it as a sign that the sleeping arrangements hadn't been decided.

Her eyes were welcoming but tentative. She checked her watch. "Seven minutes." Kate shrugged out of her coat, draped it over the back of a waiting chair and checked her watch again. "Six minutes."

She removed her badge and gun, examining her watch again "Four minutes." Kate headed to the entry way closet. Rick sunk into the couch.

His eyes remained fixated on her as she fiddled with the safe, securing her work life inside. Bye-bye badge and gun.

Another peak at her wristwatch led her to announce, "Three minutes and counting." Kate slipped her phone out of her back pocket – shot a smile his way, "Time to check out."

"Espo you all set?" It was more of a statement than a question.

Rick watched as a blush crept up the side of her neck, she looked to be gnawing on her bottom lip. After a few moments of silence she snorted out, "Yes, Espo, you can tell Ryan."

Her face continued to redden, but she wasn't so far off her game that she hadn't turned to face Rick full on and roll her eyes at him. "Fine, I promise to tell Castle you say hello."

Rick was sure he saw her choke down a giggle. "Bye, Espo."

Based on Kate's reaction to her conversation with Esposito, Rick felt Esposito may have just earned himself free drinks for life at 'The Old Haunt.'

Kate turned off her phone, tossed it in the safe, shut the door and with hips swaying side to side she circled behind Rick and murmured into his ear. "Up for a walk?"

The empty elevator didn't stop Rick from crowding into her personal space. His hips bumping hers, the back of his hand brushing against hers and when she didn't move away, he twined his fingers with hers.

Kate smiled warmly at Rick. Rick returned her smile with an impish grin and shrugged his shoulders "I like to touch."

His heart stumbled as his brain registered her reply. "I like to be touched."

Stepping out of the hotel Rick was uncertain of where they were headed. He looked to Kate to take the lead. She linked her arm in his and led the way towards the Hudson. They began a silent walk north along the river, matching each other stride for stride.

The breeze playing on the shores of the Hudson River was a welcome diversion from the task at hand. Rick knew that as easy as their day had begun there were things they both needed to say. After nudging her hip multiple times and shooting her several sideways glances, he knew it was up to him to start the conversation.

Rick slowed his pace, turned towards Kate, brushed the back of his hand across her cheek and with the softest of eyes said, "Let's start at the beginning."

Rick wasn't clear, even to himself, what he meant by 'start at the beginning'. He didn't know if he meant the first time they met, they first time they fought, the first time they made up, the first time they kissed or the first lie that was confessed. Too many firsts without enough seconds.

"That's a tough one. I'm the type of girl who always flips to the end of the book to see if it's worth reading."

He tucked a wild hair behind her ear. Rick loved when her hair was down, kind of curly, kind of wild – it made Kate so much more approachable. "Real life doesn't work like that."

Chewing on her bottom lip for a moment, looking for the right words, "Would it be alright if we start in the middle?"

"I'll take the middle."

Rick guided them to a bench. It was sheltered from the wind and with the clear skies it was surprisingly warm out. New York could do that to you; give you a brilliant sunny day in the midst of the grey known as February.

Even with the warmth of the sun on their faces, he felt her reluctance to be still, he tugged on her hand until she settled beside him.

Kate removed her hand from his and returned to her feet. Jamming her curled fists deep into the pockets of her coat, she nudged his knees apart and stood between them. Kate knew she couldn't quiet her body to sit comfortably beside him, not yet, but she wanted him to know she was present.

Her speech began with a huff. "I'm sorry." Kate had practiced it countless times. In the mirror at home, in the shower and on the drive into work; she thought it would be easy. It wasn't.

Watching someone he loved struggle was never easy for Rick, he wanted to jump in and say something to make it right or lighten the mood. His desire to speak was halted by the need to speak that he caught in her eyes.

"My mother's murder is my kryptonite. When you showed me your murder board I was enraged that you would hide something so personal from me. I felt betrayed. My anger morphed into a pity party over the strength of the kryptonite. I hate being weak. I don't want you to see me as damaged or fragile."

Kate pulled her hands from her pockets and placed them on his shoulders. "I hate that her murder has consumed me." Pausing for a moment she gathered her thoughts "No that's not right I hate that I have ALLOWED it to consume me, given it permission to define me. That when I receive a bit of information on it I turn into a dog in a fight that has its first taste of blood and can't let go. My leaving was more about me then you."

His lips began to twitch as if would speak. She placed a hand over them, fingers playing with the smile lines at the corners of his mouth. Selfishly Kate knew she had to get it out now. If she didn't get it out now – it might not find its way out.

"I walked out on you. I didn't hear you out. Didn't show you the respect of asking you why you kept the information from me. I didn't trust you with my heart."

Rick's shoulders sagged, 'She doesn't trust me with her heart.'

Kate flinched as she watched Rick's body slump forward on the bench. "I'm not doing a very good job at this." She pushed him upright, running her thumbs across his furrowed brows. "I was wrong."

He looked up and searched her face for a clue. "Wrong?"

"The other day I said I could have handled it. That you should have told me everything. Truth is I couldn't, I would have lied and said I could." Tangling her hands through her hair, she looked away. "Hell, I lied about hearing you say 'I love you.' I was a train wreck."

Kate let out a sardonic laugh, "Frightening that I passed the psych exam. You knew I couldn't, handle it. I would have been that dog tasting blood. I could have gotten myself killed or Evelyn and the kids killed, and worse yet, you and possibly your family."

Rick nudged her forward with his knees and stood. Taking her face in his hands so she had no choice but to meet his eyes, "I would do it all over again. I will always choose the chance of you leaving me over you dying."

She dropped her head to his shoulder. "I don't want you to choose."

"But I will." He took her hands, clasping them in his, bringing them to his chest, forcing her to awkwardly slip onto his lap as he reclaimed his seat on the bench. Rick hooked his ankles together capturing her legs.

Kate recognized the look in his eyes. "You think I am going to run? Walk away, from this? She gestured between the two of them.

Was he that obvious in his attempt to restrain her? "Maybe."

Kate leaned in, whispering in his ear, she wanted him to know, to feel that the words she was about to speak were just for him. "Not without a fight."

Kate paused for a moment and when he said nothing. She filled in the silence "I love you. Rick, I am in love with you. I am not sure what could possibly change that – my heart loved you before my head even liked you."

Rick brought his hands to her face, cradling her softly. He wasn't prepared for the big searching eyes holding back the tears.

"The thing is, you love to fix things, but there are parts of me that can't be fixed. I am coming to terms with that. That is why I took you to Ben's bar; to show you that I have an outlet for PTSD and it might not always include you. The challenge is taking care of the ones you love is what you do. You need to be involved. You can't always be involved, somethings I need to do on my own."

Gathering her in his arms he bent his head closer to her, feeling her breath on his ear.

"My mom's murder and PTSD will always cause a knee jerk reactions in me. It's how I'm wired. What I am working on and will continue to work on is shifting that reaction from running blindly into the night to living in the sun."

Rick's grip tightened on her; he knew he was leaving bruises. "I won't have you shut me out. I won't stand by and watch you embark on a suicide mission or crumble into a thousand little pieces."

"I can't promise I won't shut down or need to be alone. I need to find a way for you to understand that it's a reflection of me, not you, not us. I can promise there will be no suicide missions and I can promise stop shutting YOU out over us. I can't promise not to shut down over me. Need to fix it on my own, can you live with that?"

Wiping away her tears he asked, "Why is this the middle?"

"I don't want it to be the end."