Chapter 2-Struggle
June 10, 2014- Hospital in London
"Lavi! You idiot! Get off him, you're going to infect him!" The nurse shouted, rousing the redhead from his peaceful rest. At some point, he'd fallen to Yuu's side, but their arms were around each other, and he hadn't slept that well in months. He pouted at the petite woman but got up.
"The doctors said it wasn't infectious," he replied, lying through his teeth. He had needed that. For the first time since Yuu had fallen into his coma, he'd been completely relaxed and at ease. For the first time since his lover had fallen into his coma, Lavi had been truly and wholly happy.
The nurse was giving him her normal "if you don't move your ass now, I may just slip and give you too much medication" glare, so he decided it would be for the best to go back to his own bed and wait for Yuu to wake up.
"How areyou feeling, by the way?" The tiny brunette said as she filled a syringe with a clear antibiotic.
The redhead thought for a second, having been in too much of a good mood to actually have paid attention to his condition. He considered being able to move and breathe as good indications of his health, but he could not say the same for the crackle in his lungs. He also felt a bit dizzy, but it could be from lack of food; he hadn't been all that hungry lately. Actually, now that he was aware of it, his chest hurt.
"I'm fine, I feel sick, if that's what you're asking. But I feel okay. Better than when I've been sick before." The nurse nodded and hooked him up to an IV before telling him to stay put and that she would bring him food in a few minutes.
Yuu was still asleep, so there was really nothing for him to do. He had run out of books to read a few days ago and neither Lenalee nor Amanda had been back with anything new. It was odd that the two girls had not come to visit. Lenalee had almost never left, but for some reason she was absent. It struck him how incredibly lonely it was here. What with Yuu asleep for most of the day and with all the people sitting vigil over him gone. Not that he resented them, he just wished that he had someone to talk to instead of doctors and their one assigned nurse.
He was feeling sick today though, more than he had yesterday, but he felt rested, which was a nice change. The wooziness had gotten worse; he suspected that it had something to do with whatever the nurse had given him. As always, the drugs impaired his acute senses, and though he mourned their loss, the dizziness was starting to pile up on him like sand reclaiming a desert tomb. Lavi shook his head, though it didn't do any good. Actually, it made the feeling worse, and he had no choice but to let his head fall back onto his pillow.
Glaring at the nurse, Lavi began taking deep breaths. As with the nausea, this exercise helped with his dizziness. But the exercise was only helping a tiny bit and he was caught with the sudden and familiar urge to empty his stomach, which he did, halfway between his bed and the bathroom, IV cart stuck on the bed rail. The fit also brought about a wave of coughing, which ended up with him gagging for air on some very interestingly colored mucus. Brown, red, and green, it looked like a Christmas day feast, only composed of bodily fluids.
He heard a concerned sounding grunt from behind him, and wiping away incidental tears, he stood up and looked at his lover, who had just awoken.
"Hey, Yuu-chan, you're awake!" He tried to sound enthusiastic but failed, seeing as his throat was sore from the acid and he was out of breath.
"You look terrible, go sit down."
Lavi tried to laugh, it was so like Yuu to add an insult to such caring and concerned words. "Nahh, I'm fine Yuu, just had a little stomach acid that I needed to get out. Nothing serious. I woulda made it if my IV hadn't gotten caught."
He chuckled and moved to sit down, because he felt really tired now. He also felt cold, which was strange, seeing as his sun was awake and looking at him with such a wonderful concerned expression. He wanted to go over to Yuu and tell him everything was going to be okay, that he had been through worse before the dark-haired man had woken up, but he couldn't seem to gather up the energy to move.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the nurse come back in, give the mess on the floor a cursory glance, and then walk over to him.
"Mr. Lavi, when you said you felt fine, you were lying, weren't you?" She didn't sound annoyed for once, and he could hear the concerned tone in her voice. She was, after all, a very nice person once one got to know her, and Lavi had had plenty of time to do that in the recent months.
"No, when you asked me, I did feel fine. Now I don't. Actually, I feel really bad. I think I may need to lay down, but I'm stuck." He shook his arm. The attached tube hit the bed rail where it had become stuck. Normally, he could have fixed it, but he was still unable to move his hands well.
The tiny nurse unhooked the caught IV and brought the stand over to the side of the bed, helping him to lay down. She felt his forehead, and he saw the tiny hint of worry cross her features before she turned to Yuu.
"Would you like the food I brought him?" She asked, her voice carrying an undertone of exasperation. Lavi knew exactly how many times she had brought him things just to have him refuse it due to extreme nausea. He sent her an apologetic grimace, and she nodded in response, showing him that she understood and was at least glad that there was now someone else to give the food to.
"Che," Yuu said, tilting his head away slightly. He was still having trouble with most movements, though he seemed to have perfected the art of nodding and shaking his head. And Lavi had to admit, he'd been very glad when his lover had saved him from Dr. Stripper, as Amanda had begun to call him.
The nurse looked mystified, and Lavi would have rolled his eye had he not been using all his conscious effort to keep himself awake. He thought he might ask for some coffee or tea, though he knew the petite girl would refuse, giving him that "you can't be serious, you great big buffoon" look.
Instead of making his request, he took pity on the young nurse and said, "that means he wants soba, but seeing as he has little choice, he'll probably end up eating what you give him."
Yuu shot him a scowl that told him exactly what the man would do to him if he had the muscle mass to follow through on the threat.
"Alright, then..." she said uneasily, flipping her brown hair back as she moved the cart over to the other bed. Yuu followed her movements with an intolerant glare.
"Lighten up, Yuu-chan," Lavi mumbled. "She's never done anything to deserve this."
The Japanese man made a grunting noise, but his expression never diminished as she fed him-his arm still couldn't support more than its own weight. His face darkened with each bite, and he looked somewhere between constipated and irate when she left the room, a very nearly terrified look haunting her features.
Lavi managed to stay awake for the next two hours by turning on the overhead television. He wasn't fascinated by any show in particular, but he was so bored that anything was better than just sitting there and watching Yuu sleep. He understood his lover's condition, understood that waking from a coma was a gradual process, but he still wished the man would stay awakealready. It had worn on him more than he'd ever admit to get through the sickness of the past three months on his own, and he assumed that Lenalee and Allen and everyone else had decided to stop coming so much now that his lover was officially off the dead-to-the-world list.
But, dear God was he bored. After flipping through all the available channels a few times, he finally settled on something very odd and wonderfully intriguing. It was about an alien who looked human and traveled through time and space in a police call box. He went on crazy adventures, and it managed to keep the redhead's attention away from the chills that had appeared after the first hour. It seemed that the show was doing some kind of special, allowing it to play in a eight-hour marathon, something for which Lavi was glad. He watched through its entirety, even as the doctors came in and started manhandling him-they called it physical therapy. Actually, the show was just engaging enough for him to tune out some of the pain, though his Bookman-honed senses still took in a lot of it.
At some point, Yuu had started to stir, but after looking over hopefully, Lavi noted that his lover was still asleep. He couldn't help but feel disappointed, especially after the doctors left and the show ended, swapped for some kind of on-air game show. There was nothing else to do but sleep, so Lavi forfeited himself to it, simply because he was too bored to do anything else.
His dreams weren't usually strange or fanciful, weren't usually anything more than vivid memory or run-throughs of training that no longer applied to him. But this time was different. He was a beta particle, swimming-even though that made no sense-around the vast expanses of space, reaching stars far earlier than he should have. All around him were other particles; Allen was there, and he was speeding about like a motor boat, making Lavi seem like an old, antiqued train.
"Hey, guys, look! I'm a gamma particle!" Allen shouted as he bulleted past the nearest star, made a u-turn, and hit Yuu, who was an alpha particle, square in the chest. The Japanese man, who was little more than a blue ball with black hair and the letter A emblazoned on his front, scowled and attempted to follow the white-haired white ball. Allen cackled and upped his velocity, making figure-eight patterns as he waited for the angry man pursuing him to catch up.
Next to Lavi, Lenalee-a rather dashing Hydrogen atom-giggled and commented, "it's fun watching them play with each other. I always love seeing Allen's smile."
Lavi nodded, though he preferred seeing Yuu's smile a lot more than his scowl.
"I will beat you!" Amanda's voice protruded through all space, even though logically, Lavi knew there wasn't supposed to be any sound. Or Yuu-shaped alpha particles. Or Lavi-shaped beta particles. But this was a dream, obviously, so he supposed anything went.
"No, you won't! We're right next to each other!" Darcy's Irish lilt responded just as loudly. Lavi looked over and saw the two racing toward the nearest planet-it looked like Venus-looking for all intents and purposes like an Oxygen molecule, double bond and all. Behind them, a Carbon atom-Komui-followed, rolling his eyes at the crazy couple's insane antics. A smaller Carbon atom followed, though it looked much like a robot. Lenalee gave a growl and sped off after the second Carbon atom, giving it a swift kick that made it explode into tiny electrons.
"Gege, what did I say about creating more Komurins!" She shouted, and the organic Carbon atom seemed to quiver under her mighty glare.
Just then, Allen went gamboling by, effectively cutting through Amanda and Darcy's double bond as they passed in front of Lavi, and the two of them went flying apart, both losing direction and stability without the other near them.
And then, like all dreams, it faded away, the warring Yuu and Allen replaced by huge, terrifying insects, Lenalee and the quivering Komui morphing into Bookman and a younger Lavi. Amanda and Darcy vanished from view, becoming the scenery-a large, open battlefield. All around him was smoke and blood and death and fear rolled into one vast, oppressive atmosphere. It was hot, and it became hard to breathe, like a weight was pushing down on his heart and chest and lungs. Young Lavi tripped, still unused to his lack of depth perception, and felt his knees scrape on the harsh rubble that was the ground. To his right were discarded cannons and weapons, and tiny fires bloomed from the last volley of shots. Bookman paused for a moment, allowing him to right himself and come back up to the man's side.
"This is an exercise for you, James," Bookman said, his gravelly tone reminding the young Lavi of much more unforgiving surfaces than that of the battlefield. "There are several hundred dead here. I am going to leave you here and meet you at the other side. I want to know the number of dead, as well as the faces, names, relative ages, and nationality of each. Later, I expect you to draw them all for me and relate all this information. I expect nothing less than perfection."
James-the young Lavi-nodded, wanting very much to grab hold of the old man's hand and walk with him through this desolate wasteland. But he could not. He was Bookman's heir. He could not show fear, though that was the only thing Bookman had said he was allowed to feel. It was personal, the old man had said as he had darkened the circles around his eyes with more paint. It was something that was necessary to survival. If a Bookman did not feel fear for himself-and only for himself, he had emphasized-then there was no way he could stay alive and record all the secret goings-on of the world. So Lavi broke from Bookman's side and began to sweep the ground with his less powerful left eye.
He counted four hundred and two. And when he met up with his master, the man patted him on the head, rumpling his hair a little, and told him he'd done a good job, now go draw the faces before you forget. You must never forget, James, you must never forget.
No, thought James, unaware that this would become a mantra he would repeat in his head at all times, I must never forget.
And as he drew, his hand clenched painfully-too painfully, Lavi realized, even for the dream-over the pen, never forgetting, always remembering, placing perfect stroke after perfect stroke and then writing all pertinent information beneath the face-he grew cold.
The fire was dying, but it was too cold, even if that part of the memory was true. He wasn't supposed to be shivering this hard. Lavi had shivered often, especially during the harsh winters when he and Bookman had been forced to camp outside for the night, becoming closer than Lavi had ever wanted to be with the old man in order to share body heat, all because they had not found lodgings or were too far in the middle of nowhere to do the same. But the redhead had never shivered this hard, like he was surrounded in a vast, deep ocean of ice cold water.
He cracked his eye open, remembering the faces-always remembering the faces-and moaned a little as reality came back into sight. And then he gasped, squirming as he realized where he was. It was very cold, just like in his dream, and it was big and white and filled with ice. Above him stood several nurses, one of whom was his and Yuu's personal one, Claire Anderson, and behind them, concerned expressions on their faces, were two doctors.
"He's awake," the petite brunette nurse Lavi had come to like said, though it was quite obvious, and he figured she didn't really need to say anything at all.
"What's his temperature?" The doctor on the right asked. He looked a bit like a walrus, especially as his mustache was little more than a few whiskers failing at any sort of formation. Another curly-haired nurse looked over at Dr. Walrus, her face an ode to relief.
"It's down to 40 degrees," she said. Dr. Walrus nodded and gestured for the nurses to let Lavi out of the bath, something he was truly glad to vacate. He tried to step out, but his legs were numb, and the three nurses ended up catching him and half-carrying him back to his bed.
"Wha' wazzit before?" Lavi slurred, because for some reason, his tongue wasn't working so well either.
"Forty-two point three," Nurse Curly responded primly. The other nurse's beeper went off, and she left the room, looking harried. Quickly doing the math, Lavi's mouth fell open. Most brain damage caused by fever started at forty-two point two. Maybe that's why his tongue was being so annoyingly lazy. He hoped not. A stabbing emotion went through his heart. He'd hate to have to live with limited cognitive function in addition to his useless hands. The stabbing feeling morphed into a wave and turned around to attack his entire chest cavity, making it difficult to breath. The redhead wasn't entirely sure if that was from the pneumonia.
There was a grunting sound to Lavi's left as the second doctor, a strange-looking, gray-haired Indian man with an accent thicker than Vikram's, ordered the remaining two nurses to hook him up to an IV filled with cool fluids. The redhead looked over to see dark, charcoal-colored eyes in a deep, piercing glare that in others, Lavi would associate with violence. With Yuu, though, Lavi knew better. The Japanese man was obviously very worried, and Lavi couldn't blame him.
Feeling began trickling back into his legs, and Lavi felt Yuu's sort-of-angry stare hot on his neck the entire time the nurses asked him questions like how was he feeling and could he feel the stick they were prodding his toes with.
Once they'd vacated, though, assuming him to be just fine and assuring him they'd both be back in ten minutes to run some more tests, Yuu's silence cracked.
"Are you really okay?" The man asked, and Lavi was concerned at the crack in his voice.
"Er, yeah," the redhead replied shakily after taking inventory on his still quivering body. Everything seemed to be there, the eye patch was still in place, and though some appendages were still tingly, he could feel them all, especially his hands, which ached just as they always did.
Yuu scoffed, his eyes narrowing and his mouth arcing downward in an expression of both disbelief and anger. "You just had a fucking seizure, rabbit, don't tell me you're fucking okay."
Lavi raised his eyebrows. "I had what?" He asked blankly. That would make sense, though, he figured. It gave a pretty clear-cut reason for his persistently shaking limbs and soggy mind.
"A seizure," Yuu repeated angrily, his eyebrows encroaching on his dark irises in a way Lavi didn't like. It hid one of his only ways of reading the man's emotions from view, and though he wouldn't have said it years ago, he found his lover's eyes beautiful, like two onyx gems superimposed on a pale golden canvas. Or maybe his mind was still screwed up, because where the fuck had that thought come from?
"Oi, Lavi, pay attention!" Yuu growled at him.
He must have zoned out for a second, which was stupid, because he never zoned out. It wasn't allowed, not as an Exorcist and not as a Bookman. Both had instilled the art of attention in him, and though he was neither any longer, that value would-or should-always stay with him.
"Sorry, Yuu, guess my brain's still a bit fuzzy. I must be sicker than I think. Everything's just really weird right now, just sorta off, so I guess I'm not okay."
The Japanese man grew even more concerned-looking, but there wasn't much Lavi could do; he was really tired again. He registered the two nurses returning with carts of supplies and bulky equipment, but Lavi was already too sleepy to ask them what they were going to do. He'd find out when he woke up next.
Yuu watched as the nurses returned with their carts of electronic equipment. Lavi had gone quiet after a few minutes, but he seemed to just be sleeping. Which was okay as long as he didn't have another seizure. That was something he was sure he never wanted to experience again. The redhead had been asleep when Yuu had woken from the short nap he was taking, and everything had been calm. But then he had started hearing Lavi mumbling strange things in his sleep. Something about gamma particles, whatever those were, and oxygen molecules. It seemed relatively peaceful, for which Yuu was glad. The idiot didn't need nightmares while he was sick. The dream soon shifted, though, or so it appeared, as Lavi's face grew dark and his murmurs cold. The heart monitor at his side spiked rapidly along with the temperature gauge.
The redhead was thrashing a bit, but that was normal; Lavi had always been a restless sleeper. Suddenly he went still, and his heart rate rose higher, a sudden intense shaking overtaking him. Alarmed, Yuu pressed the emergency call button that the nurse had placed by his bed in case something serious happened. He'd never used it, so he hoped the petite woman would come quickly.
Thankfully she did, bringing with her another nurse. The two women took only a few moments to realize what was happening. One ran out the door, while the small brunette, Claire, if Yuu remembered correctly, stayed and grabbed a syringe out of one of the medical carts that had been placed in the room. She ran over to Lavi and injected the solution into his arm. After a few seconds, the seizing stopped, but Yuu couldn't relax yet, as the nurse looked at the redhead's monitor and gasped.
"Forty-one point nine!" Her voice was frantic, and she reached over to the bedside cart, pulling out a pair of scissors and proceeding to cut his lover's shirt away. She then took the pitcher of water from the nightstand and poured it over him.
The other nurse returned with a curly-haired one and two doctors. The curly-haired one ran into the bathroom carrying two buckets of what appeared to be ice. From the sounds that were coming from within the tiny room, the bath was being run and the ice was being poured into it. While this was happening the two doctors were lifting Lavi from his bed and moving him into the bathroom.
There was a large splashing sound, followed by Claire and the third nurse running from the room, returning half a minute later with more buckets of ice.
And then there was silence. Yuu was left alone in the room, waiting for any sign from inside the adjoining bathroom. None of the physicians were speaking and there was no sound for around five minutes.
It was the longest five minutes of Yuu's life. It drove into him the realization of just how useless he was. He had only been able to sit there and watch as the whole scene had played itself out, unable to get up and help, unable to be the anchor that he knew Lavi needed. He felt like he had failed at something intangible, but yet so important that it was the very reason for his existence.
Then it hit him. He'd failed to protect Lavi. If he had been awake, had been able to sit by his lover's bedside and wait for him to wake, then he would have noticed the spiking temperature and heart rate before they had become life threatening. It was the worst kind of feeling, one that he would make sure he would never feel again... if there would ever be another chance after this, because the doctors and nurses were being too quiet. Something had to be seriously wrong, but for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to break that oppressive silence to ask what was happening.
Then the quiet was broken by a light, hushed alto voice. "He's awake."
It was Nurse Claire who had spoken. After her voice came a flurry of commotion. Someone asked for Lavi's temperature, and Yuu felt his heart clench slightly when it was said. How could the redhead have survived such a high fever?
A wave of relief washed over Yuu as he watched the two doctors carry Lavi back to his bed. The doctors ordered the nurses give him cold fluids and to run some tests before leaving.
He saw Lavi give him cursory glances, but Yuu was going to wait until the nurses left. That way Lavi would have no incentive to lie about how he was feeling.
Once the last person had vacated the room, he turned to his lover, trying to hide just how afraid he was for the man across from him. But the emotion leaked through a little as he spoke.
"Are you really okay?" It wasn't exactly what he had been going for, but he supposed it got his point across.
The redhead gave him a tiny smile, which was a little off, but replied, "er, yeah."
The high tenor was shaky and an obvious lie if the trembling limbs and pallor were anything to go by.
"Che. You just had a fucking seizure, rabbit, don't tell me you're fucking okay."
The rabbit gave him a curious expression, one that made Yuu realize that Lavi had not been conscious throughout the entire affair.
"I had what?" There was even more disbelief in his voice.
"A seizure," he repeated, wanting to add on a Baka Usagior something else that would hide his anxiety, but he noticed that his lover's green eye was very far away and that he hadn't replied to Yuu's last comment.
Lavi never zoned out, he was too paranoid to ever completely do that, and he never did it while having a conversation.
"Oi, Lavi, pay attention!" He growled, hoping to snap the redhead out of it.
It worked. Lavi's eye refocused on him, and after a brief moment of disorientation, he responded with something close to a satisfactory answer. "Sorry, Yuu, guess my brain's still a bit fuzzy. I must be sicker than I think. Everything's just really weird right now, just sorta off, so I guess I'm not okay."
Yuu watched the other man for another moment as he fell asleep, the unease in his heart an uncomfortable reminder of what had just occurred. He suddenly found himself wishing there was someone else there, telling him that everything was going to be alright, even if they were lying to him. It was a strange thought to have, but it was there nonetheless.
Two of the nurses from before returned, rolling in two large carts of equipment. Claire returned with a fresh IV bag and hooked the redhead up. She checked his monitor, frowned, and left as the two other nurses attached Lavi to what looked like some sort of breathing machine.
The nurses left a few minutes later, pulling the curtain between the two beds closed as they left. Yuu didn't understand why they had done that, but it really pissed him off. He felt even more useless not being able to see Lavi. How was he supposed to know if the idiot was still alive?
After another few hours, Claire returned with food. She looked concerned but would not tell him what was wrong, merely fed him and left, without so much as a sentence spoken between them.
He managed to stay awake for the rest of the day, watching as doctors came in periodically to check on his lover. A particularly walrus-like doctor paused to take some notes on his clipboard, and Yuu, who was getting annoyed with the silent treatment, tried to get the man's attention.
"Hey, will someone tell me what the hell is wrong with him?" It came out rougher than he would have liked, but that didn't matter, because he had gotten the man's attention.
The man looked up from his writing and gazed at Yuu as if the door had just spoken to him. The dark-haired man had discovered that many of the doctors here tended to ignore patients that weren't their own unless one was particularly vulgar with them.
"Ah, Mr. Lavi has been put on a ventilator to help facilitate breathing, because in his current condition, his lungs are full of fluid. His temperature has returned to an almost normal level, so there should not be any more worry as to seizures, but that may change. If he continues to receive the antibiotic, his condition should improve rapidly." The man spoke quickly and as if he knew what he was talking about, but Yuu was still on edge.
Lavi had said that his type of pneumonia was more deadly to people on ventilators; that was reason enough to worry. But it was good news, he thought, that the redhead's temperature had gone down.
"Why has the curtain been pulled?" Yuu asked, more annoyed at the fact that he couldn't see his lover than at the man's attempt to leave after he had told Yuu the information.
"The patient is asleep, we've given him sedatives so that he will stay asleep and recover faster. The curtain is to keep him from being disturbed. Now, I must go and attend to my other patients."
The doctor with the crazy mustache left, white coattails flying behind him, and Yuu wondered what he was going to do until Lavi was awake and he could be assured of his health.
Lavi stayed asleep for the next three days. Yuu had managed on his own, but it was surprisingly lonely without Lavi there to keep his mind off of the monotony. He spent his days trying to regain muscle control and strength. He could work with utensils and could manage to write short notes with the pencil Nurse Claire had provided. It was progress, no matter how small it seemed to him.
Around midday, Lenalee came to visit. When she walked in, she saw Lavi's bed curtained off, and Yuu watched the smile slide off her face. The dark-haired girl rushed to his side, grasping Yuu's hand.
"Yuu-kun, what happened? Is Lavi okay?" Yuu knew how much each of her friends meant to the Chinese girl, so he tried to give her a reassuring smile, but the fear was still present behind her eyes.
"He's fine. Just sleeping. He has pneumonia, but the doctors say he'll be fine." He tried to sound confident in his words, but his unease and worry slipped through.
Lenalee gave him one of her calm, all too caring smiles and squeezed his hand tighter. That was another surprising thing-he didn't mind having her touching him; he liked having her there trying to comfort him, even though he should have scoffed and pulled his hand away. This was too out of character... but maybe that was just another change that had occurred. He didn't have to shrink away from contact, he could reach out to people, make connections and bonds. Tell people things, listen to them as they told him things in return.
"I'm sorry I haven't been to visit, Yuu-kun, but I was away with Road planning my wedding. We're hopefully going to have it once you two are out of here. We want you there... well I want you there, Allen still doesn't want to admit that he thinks of you as his friend, but I think one day he'll come around. What do you think?"
Yuu had almost forgotten that Moyashi had finally gotten the nerve to propose, and the thought of the shrimp thinking of him as a friend was too preposterous not to be laughed at, so he did.
"Che.I'd rather die than admit I liked that Bean Sprout."
Lenalee chuckled at that. It made him feel warm inside to have made Lenalee smile. It was strange how much he was feeling now. Almost overwhelming, but not quite. It felt right, like things long broken were starting to mend.
They sat in silence for a few moments, listening to the sounds of the hospital. He then noticed Lenalee looking at him with an overtly curious expression. When she noticed him watching, she swiftly looked away, an embarrassed blush on her face.
"What are you staring at?" He asked, wondering just what had caught her attention. He was sure he looked strange with short hair, but that didn't give her the right to stare.
"Ah, nothing, Yuu-kun." The dark-haired girl averted her eyes more.
"Just tell me what you're looking at." He hated when people hid what they wanted. He preferred people who were straight-out and honest with him. Like Lavi. No, that was a bad example. He scrapped it and decided to bring his mind back to the present.
Lenalee's blush deepened.
"I... I was looking at your scars. I know it's rude, but I... never noticed how many you have before, and its really obvious on your scalp. I'm sorry for staring." She looked genuinely apologetic, but Yuu felt a bit ruffled. This was not where he wanted the conversation to go. Moreover, he didn't really know how to respond. Part of him-the more dominant half-wanted to scoff and look away, ignoring her presence completely, even if it was immature and a defense mechanism that would no longer serve him. The other part of him, the new, more caring part that was beginning to concern him, wanted him to look her straight in the eyes and ask her what the hell she was getting at. But both were wrong for this situation. He could no longer afford to put off this conversation, and at the moment, what with all the weird changes and urges and feelings, he wasn't sure he wanted to.
Lenalee took his silence the wrong way, her blush deepening as she pulled her hand from his and backed up. She gazed wildly at the door, probably securing in her head the best escape route. Yuu wanted to let her go, he really did, but he didn't, and before he could recall telling his body to do it, his hand shot out in a feat of strength that shouldn't have been there just a week and a half after waking. His fingers tried their best to curl around Lenalee's wrist, though the extremity slid easily through his liquid grasp.
It was enough, though, to make her turn around, her face a mixture of sheepishness, guilt, and hope.
She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. Ultimately, it was up to Yuu to bring up the topic of his scars, to show the Chinese girl he was comfortable enough with it to discuss it with her. He'd talked to Lavi about it on that horrible night and later, during many late nights they spent just talking until the first rays of the sun fell onto the bed. He'd spent many of those nights curled-though he wouldn't describe it that way-in Lavi's arms, reliving and rehashing past hardships until they stopped haunting his dreams.
Of course, there were many dreams, probably too many for him to eliminate entirely, but Lavi's silent support and easy comfort had made him come to terms with the abuse in a way no other could. Perhaps Lenalee could help in much the same way. Maybe if another person knew, the burden would lessen. Wasn't that a basic principle of something-or-other? A burden shared is a burden halved. If he could split that burden in thirds, maybe the ever-present pain in the back of his head would dissipate somewhat.
And now he was making up excuses so that he wouldn't have to admit that maybe, just maybe, he wantedLenalee to know. Opening his mouth to speak, he took a breath, but nothing would come out. Lenalee's hand slid comfortably into his, a tiny but necessary presence. Yuu opened his mouth again, knowing he looked like an idiot but not quite mustering up the nerve to care. And so he began.
"You know..." he stated softly, not quite meeting the Chinese girl's gaze, "...they're from my father."
The dark-haired girl simply nodded and squeezed his hand, probably to urge him to continue.
"One night, I was more hungry than usual, and though my mother told me to stay out of the kitchen until I was called, I went in to ask when dinner was ready. I walked in to see my father raping my mother over the table. He came after me, and he raped me for the first time..."
There was a bustling on the other side of Lavi's curtain, but Yuu ignored it. If this didn't come out now, it never would-he'd never work up the nerve again. It didn't matter if some inconsequential hospital worker heard his story; it wasn't like they were going to repeat it to anyone, especially after he went through some of the worst memories.
He went on to explain all the horrors of his life, skimming through details he had not spared Lavi from. Lenalee remained silent the entire time, waiting for him to finish his story before she commented. By the time he was done, she was, like Lavi had been, a distinct shade of green.
"I... that's a lot to digest, Yuu-kun," she said somewhat breathlessly, though her hand remained steadfastly in his.
"There's a reason that I don't tell people about it. You just... I wanted you to know." There. It was said. He couldn't take it back. It was out there in the world to be taken however the other party would. Lenalee's eyes turned a little glassy, kind of like she was denying tears from forming in her eyes. Tolerant though Yuu might now be, he didn't want any crying. It made him uneasy. And it was annoying.
"I know... I just... can I give you a hug?" Lenalee asked, losing her battle against the tears. They meandered down her cheeks, gaining in number and velocity as Yuu looked away, nodding. He didn't mind that much as Lenalee's hand tightened in his own, pulling him down into her. It looked vaguely ridiculous, he assumed. He was a grown man, and though by some standards, he could seem short or slim, Lenalee's thin form was distinctly more feminine than his could ever be. If he had been able to see himself, he was sure he would have scoffed and called himself an idiot. He was hunched into her shoulder, her arms stretching around his back.
And for some reason, he was crying too. Well, not so much crying as furiously blinking back unexplainable moisture in his eyes, shaking with the force of his efforts. Lenalee pulled him all the closer, and though they weren't meshed into one person like Lavi always sought to do, there was still something very important, very warm, and very comforting about the hug. His head on her shoulder, her head on his shoulder, grasping hands on his back, light hold on hers, shaking all around. A tear fell loose, and it splashed on the white cover. But he ignored it.
He'd told Lenalee. And she'd still accepted him. It wasn't like he hadn't been expecting her to, but for some reason, there had been an unconscious fear beneath all the layers of pain and suffering. It was some sort of self-conscious feeling he'd never before experienced. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not, since it brought a sense of vulnerability. But maybe he could tolerate it, just for Lenalee. Because she was his friend. And she accepted him, loved him, even, and he could say the exact same of her.
Something clattered behind Lavi's curtain, alerting Yuu to the continued presence of whatever nosey nurse was there.
"Dear Lord, don't just stare at me like that!" The nurse exclaimed, and Yuu placed the voice immediately as that of the tiny brunette assigned to him and Lavi. He tried to feel anger at her having heard his story, but he couldn't conjure it. He felt an affinity with her, and if he had a choice of eavesdroppers, he'd choose her every time.
"What's going on?" Lenalee asked, pulling out from the gentle embrace. Yuu felt very cold as she moved to the other side of the curtain, unable to comprehend why the hug had warmed him in a way that at one time, only Lavi could do.
"He's awake, don't know how long," the nurse replied. Sighing in relief as if an invisible force had been lifted from his shoulders, Yuu concentrated on hearing as much as he could of the conversation. Maybe he could even guilt the nurse into pulling the curtain back.
There was an odd, metronomic noise, rather like some kind of pump, and it was annoying Lavi not to know what it was. Ignoring the beeping of his EKG as usual, he pried his eye open with some difficulty, given how crusty it seemed. It was as if it had been shut for quite a while.
The first thing he noticed was that there was a curtain separating his part of the room from Yuu's. It was long and hung just barely an inch from the floor. Thankfully, it was thin enough for Lavi to see his lover's silhouette, but his heart ached for more. The second thing he noticed was that he was very, very cold, only in a way that suggested fever. The third, and perhaps most important, thing he noticed was that there was a tube in his mouth, extending down his throat and presumably into his lungs. Looking to his right, he found the source of the odd noise. It was a ventilator.
His heart plummeted mid-ache. He'd told Yuu before he'd gone to sleep that the MRSA-caused pneumonia was more deadly to those on ventilators. He was on a ventilator. He supposed it was probably better for him, seeing as it was doing a much better job breathing than he had been, but he knew at once that he couldn't communicate. He could make facial expressions to a point, yes, but without proper control of his mouth and with only one eye, such non-verbal communication was at a minimum. Having a tube down his throat meant he couldn't make a noise, and of course, his hands were still very much out of commission.
He could hear voices on the other side of the curtain. And it annoyed him greatly in his current position.
He recognized the clear rainbow-like qualities of Lenalee's voice and the deep buttery smoothness of his lover's. Lenalee sounded like she was crying, and from the strange silhouette through the curtain, he could tell the two where hugging, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why such an act would be occurring. A deep, all encompassing fear spread through him when he realized that Lenalee wasn't the only one crying.
Why was Yuu crying? He never cried. The only times he'd done that had been when he'd been talking about his past or when he'd thought Lavi'd left him. But Yuu wouldn't have been talking about his past with Lenalee, would he? Not after all the trouble he'd gone through to keep it a secret. The whole situation didn't make sense. Maybe someone had died. But no, Yuu wouldn't cry just for that. Lavi was starting to panic a little, not being able to move without blocking off his airway.
What was going on with Yuu? He needed to find out, stop him from crying. Unless, of course, he was the reason. Could he be sicker than he had previously suspected? How long had he been asleep?
The redhead looked around the room, searching for any sign of the date. He didn't find it, but he did see their nurse. She was standing beside the curtain, her face frozen as if she was concentrating on something very, very difficult. She was also slightly green. Lavi noticed how she was playing with what appeared to be bandages around her wrists. He stared at her a good minute before the petite woman looked over at him, gave a startled yelp, and then dropped her tray of supplies onto the floor.
"Dear Lord, don't just stare at me like that!" She exclaimed, and Lavi rolled his eye. What did she expect him to do? Get up and walk around, waving his arms in the process?
"What's going on?" Lenalee's voice asked as it drifted under the curtain.
Looking over, he saw her stand.
"He's awake, don't know how long," the nurse answered, sounding breathless.
The curtain was pushed aside, and the Chinese girl closed it before walking onto Lavi's side of the room. Her eyes were red, and she, too, had a faint greenish tint to her features. Just what had the two been talking about?
"Lavi, you're awake. Thank goodness." There was a great deal of relief in her voice.
He tried to indicate in some way his own relief, but the ventilator and other equipment made that impossible. So he settled for sighing heavily, hoping it got his exasperation across.
Apparently it did, because Nurse Claire walked over and began to slowly remove the tube, much to Lavi's relief. However, it did incite a rather large and prolonged coughing fit that produced more mucus than any disease had the right to. After the fit had calmed, though, his breathing became much easier.
"What's with the curtain? It feels like someone's dying in here, open it up." The truth was that he just wanted to see Yuu. To assure the man that he was still here. Lenalee happily obliged, looking slightly ashamed for having closed it, and when the dark-haired man came into view, Lavi felt almost ten degrees warmer-and that had nothing to do with his fever.
He sent the Japanese man a large smile and was happy to receive a scoff in return. Lenalee settled herself into her chair, and the nurse left the room a few moments later. Lavi watched as Lenalee kept looking over at Yuu with something like sympathy and understanding on her features. And Yuu kept looking over at the Chinese girl with some emotion even Lavi had never seen on his face. Finally, the curiosity became too much.
"So, what were you two cryin' about while I was asleep? It was obviously somethin' interesting or else Claire wouldn't have been eavesdropping."
Lenalee's face turned bright red and Yuu looked away-Lavi had to chuckle a little at his obvious attempt to hide his own blush.
"None or your business," Yuu growled, but Lavi knew how to get the information out of his lover.
"But... but... Yuu, why not? It can't be anything you can't share with me!" He tried to look as pathetic and dejected as possible, and, of course, it worked.
"Che. I told Lenalee."
Lavi knew what he meant; it couldn't have meant anything else. It was just unbelievable. He couldn't describe how-proud, happy?-he was for his lover.
"Wow, Yuu-chan, if I wasn't infectious, I'd go over there and give ya a big ol' congratulatory kiss, but I can't."
Perhaps that wasn't the best response, judging by the glare he received from Yuu. It was one of those "I am legitimately going to kill you, this is not a threat" kind of glares. It made Lavi question just how long he'd been asleep. Obviously, it was long enough for Yuu to be upset.
"Sorry, how long have I been asleep?" He put on his most apologetic expression, hoping to calm the Japanese man's ire.
"Three days."
The words were clipped as if Yuu had wanted to add something else onto the end but had refrained because Lenalee was in the room. Lavi understood; three days was far too long, he knew from waiting for Yuu to wake. He felt really bad doing that to his lover, but he really hadn't had any control over it.
"How are you feeling today, Lavi?" Lenalee asked quietly, having noticed that Yuu was still glaring daggers at him.
"I feel much better than I did before. I think the worst of it may have passed."
He just hoped that was true.
A/N: Return of the walruses! OMG it's becoming a theme! Okay, so the weird dream before the memory/flashback/thingy was inspired by a real-life dream that Em1 had. One day, she woke up, looked at Em2, and said, "omg, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was an alpha particle and Allen was there." And I was like o.O "ooookaaay..." and then she went on, "yeah, and he was a gamma particle! And he was zooming all over the place." And we got into a huge discussion about her weird-ass dream. I think my dream that particular night was... slightly morbid. Or extremely vivid. It's always one of the two... :/ Anyway, look forward to more next week? We meant to update yesterday, but due to break ups and hospitalizations, Em2 was unavailable last night. RL is stanky.