I barely remember the taxi ride home from the park...
...only that Sam held my hand so tightly that, by the time the cab pulled up in front of Bushwell Plaza, my fingers were numb.
I vaguely remember her wrapping a badly-shaking arm around my waist and half pushing/half pulling me into lobby of the building.
I vividly remember what happened next...
...or, rather, what didn't.
Sam usually answers Lewbert's invariably-loud, deranged screams with a snappy reply...something along the lines of, 'Shut up, Lew-ser...you'll never be half the man your mother was!', but today, she ignored him completely; instead looking at me with concern and compassion while maneuvering me swiftly and silently past his desk, as I stumbled toward the elevator.
Fortunately, we'd arrived back home around 1:30 in the afternoon, so there was no sign of Spencer when we entered the apartment.
Immediately, Sam shrugged her jacket off and flung it in the general direction of the sofa; then she removed mine and, seconds later, it was sailing across the room after hers.
And then she turned back to face me, but before she could say a word...
...I burst into tears again...expecting as I did for her to put her arms around me and move my head onto her shoulder, while reassuring me in a low, calming voice; but instead her hands suddenly and tightly grabbed my shoulders.
"No, Carls! Stop it!" she demanded, giving me a slight shake. "Look, I know how freaked out you are right now...but crying is not going to help you! So, instead of falling apart, both of us are going to pull ourselves together, and then together we're going to figure this out."
"H-h-h-how?" I asked, still bawling uncontrollably.
She answered, not with words, but by reaching down, taking hold of my right wrist, and leading me into the kitchen...and then over to the sink; where I watched, through wet, stinging eyes as she closed its drain and then turned the 'cold' faucet on all the way. Once the basin was nearly full, she opened the freezer and, to my astonishment, emptied every tray of ice cubes we had into it the water...and then, without missing a beat, she took a very deep breath...
...and slammed her face below its surface.
I spent the next minute or so watching her closely, so worried that I actually forgot to cry...
...because she didn't move in the slightest. Finally, alarmed for her safety, I grabbed onto the back of her T-shirt, ready to drag her up and prevent her from drowning (if she hadn't already)...
...just as she re-emerged on her own...with icy water cascading effusively from her bangs and sliding rapidly down her face, then dripping off her chin; as she flung her arms up over her head and howled, "Whooo! That really works! I feel totally clearheaded now!"
After executing a wild and exuberant (okay, spastic-free-for-all) dance around my kitchen, she wiped her face on her sleeve and turned to me.
"Your turn."
"W-what?" I sobbed, as I wiped my own streaming eyes. "No! There's no way I'm going to...going...to..." My voice trailed off and I stopped arguing the instant I saw the look of absolute determination on her face...which informed me of how very wrong I was...
...and, realizing that I was too way stressed to think logically anyway, and that her doing it had certainly seemed to both calm her down and perk her up...
...I nodded slowly.
Immediately, she jumped to one side; and I hesitantly took her place in front of the sink; and then, grabbing onto its edges as tightly as I could, I gasped in as much air as my lungs could hold; and, refusing to allow myself time to think...I plunged my face into the water...
...feeling the fire in my eyes and on my cheeks turn instantly to hot ice.
Submersion for fifteen seconds was more than enough to clear my mind...and freeze my face...and the instant I yanked my head upwards, Sam put her hands on my shoulders and spun me around quickly...
...and a second later, my face was buried deep inside in the clean kitchen towel she was holding. After drying me off sufficiently, she moved the towel away and looked into my eyes while asking with obvious concern, "Well? How do you feel now?"
"Numb mostly," I admitted, blinking the last vestiges of water out of them.
She smiled.
"Well, better numbed down than freaked out."
Tossing the towel aside, she turned and leaned against the kitchen counter, before continuing, in a sincere - but failed – attempt to reassure me, "Now, you and I are going to figure this out. I don't know how long it's going to take...and I don't care...but we're going to figure it out...and then we're going to fix it...together. Do you understand me, Carls?"
Even though I understood her perfectly...
...I didn't believe her.
How could we possibly fix this? The shrunken head was gone...and was now God Knows Where...so how could we wish on it? And, if we couldn't wish on it, then how could there be any chance for me to change back into a girl? I snapped out of my thoughts when I noticed the way Sam was staring at me...
...and, realizing that she was expecting an answer, I nodded, despite my complete lack of conviction.
"Okay then," she said, suddenly sounding very business-like. "The first thing to do is to figure out why Oswell wasn't at the park this morning...and where he is now. Any theories?"
I didn't have to ponder that one. I already knew the answer.
"None," I replied.
She nodded.
"Okay, well...maybe we missed something or misunderstood him; so let's try to remember every single thing he said to us during the past two evenings...word for word."
Immediately, I closed my eyes and, without much difficulty, replayed both conversations in my head...slowly and deliberately...and then, suddenly and without warning, I was rewarded with a huge, unexpected revelation.
Gasping loudly, I reaching over, grabbed Sam's arm, and exclaimed, "Oh, my God! Don't you remember what he said when I asked when his show was going to open? It was, 'Well, let's see, today is Sunday...and we'll be ready on Tuesday...and we're going to be here-'...and that's when he was interrupted by his phone.
It was obvious from the expression on her face that she didn't get it.
"Uh...go on."
"Don't you see, Sam...he never said he was opening on Tuesday...when he said that he'd be ready on Tuesday...he meant ready...to leave!"
She still didn't get it.
"Huh? How do you figure that?"
"He never actually said the words 'going to open'...did he?" I prodded.
"Well, no, but...I don't know, Carls," she replied, biting her lower lip in concentration. "I mean, he never said he was leaving either...did he?"
"Well, he's not there now...so what else could he have possibly meant?" I asked...
...refusing to acknowledge that, from what we'd both just seen at the park...or rather, hadn't seen...it seemed that he had never really been there at all.
"No," she admitted. "But maybe we misunderstood what he meant," she added...
...while also refusing to acknowledge the reality of the unkempt, desolate, long-deserted lot we'd just been standing in.
"Of course we misunderstood him!" I agreed heartily...desperately grasping at straws.
With a pre-occupied nod, Sam shifted her gaze downward and twisted her lips to one side, which I knew - from past experience - was a sure sign that she was thinking deeply.
I waited as patiently as I could until, finally, she looked back up at me and stated, "Okay, then the next step is to research his carnival online. Maybe there's a list of dates and locations for his tour. If not, maybe we can get the address of his main headquarters, and then contact him that way."
This sounded like the best idea that either of us had come up with so far, so I nodded in agreement; and then watched in hopeful anticipation as Sam climbed up onto a bar stool at my kitchen counter, in front of the computer...
...and searched for 'Oswell's Oddities' on Gaggle...
...and then on Yazoo...
...and then on Zing...
...and then on Not Bot...
...and then on Greg's List...
...and then on Hog Pile...
...and then on Zoo Tube...
...and then on Winkia Search...
...and then on SNM...
...coming up with no matches whatsoever...again and again and again.
Absolutely nothing!
And, with each successive failure, I felt the two phantom hands of despair that had materialized in my chest at the park beginning to squeeze my heart and lungs in a cold, death-like grip...tighter and tighter and tighter...until, unable to take the mental and physical agony any longer...and wanting to be by myself before falling apart completely, I spun around, determined to run upstairs to my room...
...but Sam grabbed the back of my T-shirt.
"No, wait! Let's try again," she urged. "We'll look him up by name this time. Everyone is online these days, so there has to be something about him on the Internet," she declared...
...and acknowledging (to myself) how incredibly desperate the situation had now become, I stopped struggling, and stood next to her, in compliant silence and obedience; while she sat with her left arm wrapped tightly around my waist (to prevent me from running again while her focus was elsewhere)...
...and then she looked up 'Anton Oswell' on all of the above search engines...
...and then on Twit her...
...and then on Farce Book...
...and then on 'My Spaced...
...again coming up with Absolutely Nothing...
...and, again, I tried to run.
Sliding off her bar stool with lightening speed, Sam successfully anticipated (and blocked) my attempted trajectory toward the staircase; and then, grabbing me firmly by my upper arms, she steered me over to the couch and sat me down.
Ignoring my rudely-worded objections to this, she stated, "We have to have missed something when he was talking to us; so let's go over the entire scenario once more...word for word."
"I...I don't know what else to say," I lied (extravagantly), while (barely) suppressing my rapidly-escalating urge to blurt out the rest of the story...which I now realized seemed to be my only remaining option.
"Well then, let's have another look at the brochure," she suggested, still oblivious to this.
Even though I didn't see how that could possibly help, I nodded in agreement, and she grabbed my handbag from the coffee table where I had dropped it; and, turning it upside down, she shook its few contents out onto her lap. Since the 505 bus schedule was the only piece of paper in the pile, she found it easily.
Picking it up, she looked from it to me and asked, "Why is this a bus schedule? When we were reading it earlier, it was an Oswell's Oddities brochure."
"I know it was!" I answered testily, more than a little annoyed that she'd felt the need to state the obvious.
Sam nodded hastily in agreement.
"Okay, okay...there's no need to bit my head off...I'm only trying to be logi-"
Suddenly, she stopped speaking and looked down at my pile of stuff that she'd dumped into her lap.
"Your phone's vibrating," she announced, picking it up and holding it out to me.
"I don't want to talk to anyone!"
"Carls, don't you think you should answer? It might be important," she persisted, shaking it under my nose.
"I don't care!" I answered stubbornly (and rudely), crossing my arms and averting my eyes.
"Well let's at least see who it is," she urged...
...while I shook my head in protest.
She ignored me and looked down at the display window.
"Come on, what if it's Mr. Oswe...oh, it's not. Well, at least listen to the message."
Before I could yell at her to stop wasting valuable time with the fucking phone, and to focus on the real issue I had on my hands...uh, in my pants...she raised it to her ear and listened; and then, with a wide smile, she held it up to my ear and replayed the message.
It was from Spencer.
"Hi, Kiddo!
I was just home but you weren't. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make dinner for you and Sam this evening because Socko's uh...remember his new bed? The one he bought yesterday? Well, it, um...broke already. I'm not really sure how it hap-"
He was cut off by Socko's voice in the background, stating (loudly), "It must have been those friggin' termites..."
"Yeah!" Spencer agreed enthusiastically, recovering quickly. "Damn those Seattle termites! They uh...they work fast!
"Anyway, Socko and I are heading out to the furniture store right now and buying a new bed...one with a steel frame...and reinforced with iron bars across the bottom. I'm really sorry about dinner, so on the way over there I stopped at The Amalfi Deli and left Italian subs and pasta salad in the fridge for you and Sam.
"I'm not sure what time I'll be home tomorrow...maybe not until really, really late; because I should probably...um...stick around here in case Socko has any more uh...bed-related issues. If you need anything, just leave a message.
"Byyyyyyyye!"
As I took the phone from her hand and dropped it absently onto the coffee table, Sam turned to me.
"Look, it's almost five o'clock," she announced, "so let's have an early dinner, and then we'll get right back to work on this...and then I'm sure we'll figure it out, because I always think better on a full stomach."
Even though I had absolutely no appetite, I realized that starving myself would only make me feel worse than I already did, and so, somehow, I managed to choke down a few bites of dinner...
...while Sam went to town on hers. After finishing her own sub (and the remaining 2/3 of mine), she polished off the last of the large carton of fusilli salad that Spencer had left for us; and then, together, we headed upstairs.
The instant I entered my room, thoroughly drained and depressed, I kicked my sneakers off and sat on the edge of my bed, staring straight ahead at Sam's stomach and chest, as she stood in front of me, staring at the floor while rocking back and forth on her heels, apparently deep in thought.
Neither of us spoke.
Finally, maybe ten minutes later, she snapped out of her introspection and bent forward; and, lifting first my left foot and then my right, she slowly yet deliberately pulled both of my socks off.
"What are you doing?" I asked, looking up at her in surprise.
"Cupcake, you're so stressed right now...I just thought that a nice foot massage would-" she began...
...but too distraught to listen to the rest, I swung my legs up onto the bed and rolled away from her, over onto my stomach, burying my face in the pillow.
Seconds later, I felt her sit down next to me and her hands sliding under my chest and, just too spent to fight anymore, I put up no resistance as she rolled me onto my back again and then leaned over me, pushing my hair out of my face.
"Come on, Carls. Let's try again...one more time...word for word."
"I can't, Sam!" I protested, my mind now aching from our previous efforts. "I don't even remember my conversations with him anymore!"
"Yeah, right!" she scoffed, seeing right through my evasive (okay, dishonest) denial. "They don't call you 'Straight 'A'Carly Shay' for nothing."
I rolled my eyes in exasperation.
"Okay, Fine! Whatever! It's not going to help! But if you insis-" I snapped loudly; but then, I stopped abruptly...
...suddenly aware of the horrible the way I was treating her. What the fuck is wrong with me? She's only trying to help, and I'm acting like an obnoxious asshole. Feeling incredibly guilty, I pressed my palms against my face - hard - as I tried to get a grip on my run-amuck emotions.
She sat next to me in silence, waiting patiently for me to pull myself back together; and when I did speak to her again, it was much more gently.
"Honey, I had no right to act that way toward you. I'm really, really sor-"
With an understanding smile, she leaned over, and her lips cut me off...
...but, instead of lingering against them...the way I suddenly (and inexplicably) found myself wanting to...I pulled my head back and took a deep breath...
...and, as she had requested, continued my narration.
"Well, you know, I was in the tent...and I had the shrunken head in my hand while Mr. Oswell and I were talking."
"No, Carls," she interrupted. "Not like that. I want you to tell me exactly...word-for-word."
"I already told you!" I whined. "Over and over!"
"I know, but...maybe we missed something," she added hopefully.
Well aware that I had indeed left something out and, therefore, eager to end this conversation before it progressed any farther...into very dangerous territory, I shook my head vigorously, in an attempt to discourage her from continuing...
...but she was far from finished with me.
"Come on, Carls. There has to have been something he told you that we're overlooking... so let's pick up where we left off last time. You were holding the head and wished that I would turn back...and then what happened? You just walked out of the tent? Without even paying him?"
"I offered him money, but he wouldn't take it."
"No, Cupcake...exact words please."
I paused for a moment to recollect.
"Uh, he said, 'I did nothing to deserve payment. If your wish comes true, it was solely through your own efforts, not mine.'"
"So it really didn't have anything to do with him?" she said, more to herself than to me.
As I shook my head in confirmation, I shifted uncomfortably on the mattress...both from the incessant, almost unbearable pain that was being inflicted by my too-tight underpants...and from the horrible realization that she was now getting much too close to the truth...
...and because, since I'm absolutely no good at lying, she was going to find out...sooner or later...in one way or another.
When I offered no further comment, she continued, "That's it? Was there anything else? Did he say goodnight?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Anything else?" she persisted.
"I don't know!" I exclaimed, as the mounting pressure of being trapped caused my panic level to rise to nearly out-of-control levels.
"Come on," she urged, "try again to remember. I'm sure there's something els-"
"Maybe I don't want to remember anymore!" I yelled, now near tears...terrified that I wasn't going to be able to withhold from her much longer. "Leave me alone, Sam! Just get away from me!"
The instant I did, I regretted it.
I know I shouldn't have shouted at her.
Glancing over furtively, I clearly saw the hurt in her eyes; and, too ashamed to continue looking, I turned over onto my stomach again.
Long stretch of silence.
"Carls?" she said tentatively.
I shook my head.
"Please, Carls...I want to help you...so badly. Was there anything else?" she asked, in a voice that mirrored everything that I myself was feeling at that moment...
...all of the pain and the fear and the helplessness...
...and I cracked.
"Yes!" I yelled. "Yes, there was! But I can't tell you the rest!"
"Why not?" she asked, as I buried my face deeply in the pillow.
I didn't answer, but I also didn't struggle as she turned me onto my back again, and leaned over...
...looking at me with an expression of such love and compassion that my heart suddenly felt like it had a harpoon through it.
"Because it's really, really bad!" I replied, now sobbing...
...and immediately, her loving and compassionate expression morphed into one of homicidal rage.
"What? Carls, what happened? Did that bastard try to grope you or something? If he did, I'll break every single fucking bone in both of his fucking hands!"
"N-No! Nothing like that!" I gasped, in an effort to correct her mistaken conclusion quickly, desperate to keep her from going on a rampage and unleashing considerable (and undeserved) violence on Mr. Oswell...
...while somehow forgetting that she had no way of finding him.
"Are you sure?" she demanded, still furious.
"Y-yes."
"Because, if he did-" she continued, in the most ominous tone I've ever heard from her.
"Sam, I promise you, that's not what happened!" I insisted...
...and her anger seemed to abate somewhat.
"What did happen then?" She paused for a second and then, looking highly suspicious, she narrowed her eyes and added, "Are you sure he didn't put his hands on you?"
"Y-yes."
"Well then, what did he do to you?" she demanded
"He...he said..." I began...
...and she suddenly looked enraged again.
"He said what? What did he say? 'Carly, you owe me a blow job'? And you refused? And now you have a dick? So help me God...I'll break every single bone in his fucking dick!" she yelled, trying to roll off the bed.
I grabbed the front of her T-shirt with both hands.
"No! You can't! And besides," I pointed out, "dicks don't have bones."
"Oh, yes they do!" she insisted. "Where do you think we get the word boner?"
(I was way too distraught and distracted at the moment to even attempt to answer that one.)
"No! He didn't say anything like that. He...he said...something else," I replied...
...and suddenly, she buried her face in her hands and began breathing both deeply and raggedly; and, realizing that she was trying to regain her composure, I waited in silence while she somehow managed to master her rage. Finally, she raised her eyes to mine and said, in a weary voice which reluctantly betrayed her feelings of helplessness, "Carls, please tell me."
"I can't," I repeated.
"Why not?" she asked, laying a hand against my cheek.
I averted my eyes, lest they betray me.
"Sam, I'm sorry but...I just...can't."
She paused for a moment.
"Is...is it something that could help you change back?"
"Sort of-that isn't important," I lied, desperately trying to stall for time...time that, hopefully, would allow me to figure out a way to successfully dodge what now seemed inevitable.
"Yes it is important...it's everything!" she exclaimed.
"Sam, I...I-"
She leaned closer, and looking directly into my eyes she said, "Come on...what did you and I promise each other last year? No more secrets...remember?"
I nodded.
"Well then," she continued, "if you love me as much as you say you do-"
"I do love you!" I shouted. "And that's why I can't tell you!"
She stared back at me, bewildered.
"Huh? What do you mean? Don't you want to change back to the way you were before?"
"You know I do!"
"Then what's the problem?"
"I can't tell you because it...it's horrible!"
A look of sudden comprehension crossed her face and she answered in a low, calm voice, "Now I understand, Cupcake...and everything's going to be okay. Surgery is horrible...but you'll get through it. I promise I'll help you."
"No, Sam it's worse than that! A lot worse! It's pointless to even have surgery because...afterward, it...it's going to grow right back!"
Her eyebrows shot up and her jaw dropped.
"Oswell told you that?"
"Y-yes. Yes, he did."
"But you just said...he told you something that would help you change back."
Kicking myself for having admitted that to her, I immediately averted my eyes...
...but she leaned across me and looked straight down into them.
"Carls, he told you something else...didn't he? Something that you're afraid to tell me now."
"It doesn't matter!" I insisted defensively. "We don't have the head to wish on anymore...and without that, it's not going to work!"
"How do you know?"
"It...it just isn't!" I repeated stubbornly...turning my gaze from her up to the ceiling.
Leaning over me, with her palms flat against the mattress and her head bowed, she stopped to ponder this for a long moment, and then, moving closer until her face was only a couple of inches from my own, she continued, "Well if it's not going to work, then you can just tell me anyw-"
"He said that unselfish wishes come true!" I blurted out...
...immediately regretting it...
...and she hovered over me in silence, for almost a full minute, processing this new revelation; before asking slowly and tentatively, "You mean I changed back to who I am because you...you wished something for me, instead of for yourself?"
"Kind of," I admitted.
She frowned.
"What do you mean by 'kind of'...did it happen that way or not?"
When I didn't answer, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me up to her chest.
"Please, Carls...you know how much I love you! I want to help you so badly...please just tell me how," she begged...
...and, as she held me close, and those words of reassurance washed over me...
...I caved in completely...
...watching my vision blur from an abundance of tears as I confessed, "You changed back because I s-sacrificed my virginity for you...before I was r-ready! I let you be with me...willingly...and w-without a condom...even though I really didn't want to...and even though it hur-ur-urt!" I cried...
...and, finally comprehending the situation in its entirety, she pulled back and looked at me.
"You mean...because I was selfish...you were unselfish? And that's what caused me to change back?"
Incapable of saying more, I nodded...
...and, looking completely stunned, she froze...
...but less than a minute later, she leaned forward...
...and began kissing me...with more passion than I had ever felt before...or since...from her or from anyone else...
...and before I knew what was happening, she leaned up slightly; and, grabbing my wrists, she slid my hands up under her T-shirt; and, as her mouth opened against mine and my palms began voluntarily cupping the softness of her bare breasts, I gasped against her lips as I experienced - for the first time - a strong, unmistakeable stirring between my legs...
...but that was nothing compared to how distinctly ashamed I felt immediately after.
"Sam I can't! I can't do this!" I yelled, wrenching my head to one side; and then, before she could recover from her surprise, I slid agilely out from under her and rushed over to the opposite side of the room.
She jumped up and tore after me and, as I stopped, facing the far wall and cowering next to my dresser, she spun me around.
"Carls...you can," she insisted. "We have to! Besides, I'm the one who has to be unselfish here...so your part is going to be easy."
"No it's not!" I gasped, horrified at her determination to go through with it. "I couldn't possibly do something like that to you! You haven't even stopped to put any thought into this! And, besides, you told me that you don't ever want to be with a g-g-uy!" I reminded her.
Staring at me critically, she looked me up and down and then replied, "Guy? I don't see a guy...all I see is the most beautiful girl God ever put on this earth...a girl who I love so much that every time I think about her, it makes my heart hurt...and who, every time she walks away, leaves me devastated and wanting desperately just to see...just to...see-" she stopped speaking...
...and then, before I could recover from her achingly-profound words and attempt to answer her, she had pushed me up against the wall and was kissing me again...
...and, despite my resolve, I somehow found myself kissing her back...
...and wanting never to stop. Less than a minute later, with my lips still against hers, I felt her hands fumbling at my waist, clumsily untying the drawstring of my sweatpants...and then, as she slipped right hand inside, and trailed her palm slowly down the outside of my underpants, and gently began to caress me through them...I felt another series of strong, unmistakeable stirrings in my penis...and then a very warm, tingling sensation, as it began to swell...
...and then to throb...keeping time with my rapidly-escalating heart beat...
...and, even though its greatly-increased size made it ache even worse since it was now being positively crushed inside my too-tight briefs, the way she was stimulating me felt so indescribably wonderful that I found it was now becoming very difficult to think clearly...
...and, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to hand what little self-control I had left over to my penis, and let it do what it was demanding...
...until I looked up into her eyes...
...Sam's eyes...
...and, at that moment, I felt my erection wilt as quickly as it had begun, as I realized - to my horror - that I was even thinking about having sex with her.
I couldn't...
...we couldn't...
...even though every part of my body was aching to...badly...
...so badly that the pain and conflict of it overwhelmed my mind with such consuming frustration that I grabbed her forearm...pulling her hand up and out of my pants...
...and then I turned my face to the wall, next to my dresser and, pressing my face against my own forearm, I started to bawl, feeling more helpless and distraught than I ever had in my life.
Several long minutes passed as I stood there, crying harder than I ever had before...
...confused and unfulfilled and inconsolable...
...expecting at any moment for Sam to wrap her arms around me from behind, while whispering words of love and reassurance...but there was absolutely nothing...nothing but silence, continually interrupted by my shaking sobs, while I stood there alone, heart-broken, not understanding why she was allowing me to suffer this way.
Finally, I felt her hand on my shoulder...turning me around...and aware of how awful I must look from crying so hard, I immediately dropped my gaze to the floor...
...staring in disbelief at what I saw lying near her feet:
It was her white, Beach Bum-logo T-shirt...
...and it was lying right next to her baggy, gray twill shorts...
...which were partially hidden under her ice blue, penguin-motif boxers.
And then, despite myself, I rapidly blinked the tears out of my eyes and lifted them...
...to see her standing in front of me, wearing absolutely nothing...
...except for a pair of my white silk panties.
And then, the room spun, and the floor tilted...
...as every single drop of blood in my head...and probably the rest of my entire body rushed into my penis...
...turning it rock hard and twice its normal size, and I moaned loudly as it strained in agony against the inside of my underpants...
...demanding release.
Barely had my dazed mind registered this, when Sam took two steps forward, and threw her arms around my neck...
...and then, jumping up, she wrapped her legs around my waist, holding onto me tightly...
...and, without thinking, my hands automatically slid under her butt for support. For a split second, I was scared I'd drop her because, even though Sam is shorter than I am, she's very solidly built...so imagine my astonishment when I found myself holding her up effortlessly.
To this day, I'm not sure if it was from adrenaline or testosterone...or both...but the feeling of white silk, warm from her body, pressing against my palms destroyed every last shred of my resolve, and I carried her swiftly (and easily) over to the bed...
...stopping suddenly...
...and staring in surprise at the dark blue, twice-folded towel that I saw lying on top of the mattress...
...as I realized that, while I had been crying, she had been in the bathroom.
For a moment, I continued to lean over it, with her in my arms...caught in agonizing limbo between two extremes...with absolutely no idea what to do about it since my conflicted, confused brain failed to support me in any way...
...but then, I had a rare, blissful moment of clarity and, turning my back to the bed, I set Sam down on the floor.
On her feet.
Slowly, she lifted her eyes to mine, but I had no chance to decipher what I saw in them because, at that moment...without warning and without a word...she raised her hands to my chest...
...and shoved me onto the bed; and then, leaning directly over me, she grabbed both of my shoulders and pushed me down until I was lying on my back...
...and, before I could recover sufficiently from the shock and try to resist, she was dragging my T-shirt up off me...
...and then she was dragging my sweatpants down off me...
...and, an instant later, she had climbed on top of me...
...and as the gentle swell of her silk-covered vulva brushed against the naked flesh of my stomach, before pressing against me as she sat down...
...a thrill very like electrocution shot through me...
...and seeing this, she immediately flung herself forward and down; and, pinning my shoulders, she began kissing me again.
Paralyzed stiff (in more ways than one) I wrenched my head to one side and, as her lips flew to my neck...
...I suddenly found the ability to shout, "Sam stop it!"
She ignored me.
Completely.
Turning my face back toward hers with one hand, she resumed kissing me, while shifting her hips aside...
...and before I knew what was happening, her left hand had crept down between my legs, and as soon as I felt it touch the outside of my underpants and begin rubbing me through them...
...I suddenly became very aware that my penis has a mind of its own. What she was doing to both ends of my body felt so incredible that my brain could barely function...except to acknowledge the pain I felt as my throbbing, badly-swollen penis, now hell-bent on escape, tried its hardest to force its way straight through my underpants. But I also knew that, as much as I wanted to, there was absolutely nothing I could do to relieve the insanely-unbearable pressure.
I love Sam too much.
And so, I lay there in unbearable frustration, as I felt the pressure of an abundance of semen beginning to well up deep inside me...
...building steadily and painfully in intensity as her lips continued moving against mine...
...and, even though I was trying desperately to divert my mind from what was happening...
...what she was making happen by the way she was kissing and touching me...
...it was impossible, and so I closed my eyes and threw my arms around her neck, holding onto her tightly as I began thrusting my hips forward, forcing my penis against her palm over and over, as I focused on trying to orgasm, right here and right now; determined to ejaculate in my underpants rather than inside her, to avoid subjecting her the same horrible pain and fear that I'd suffered for her sake only last night.
She saw what I was trying to do.
"No, Carls...I need you to hold back!" she exclaimed, moving her lips away from mine; and, moving her hand away from my crotch, she shifted her eyes downward...
...and, seeing the concerned expression on her face as she did, I looked down also, following her line of vision...
...to see her staring at the two-inch wide, very wet stain on the front of my briefs, as we both realized - at the same time – that, due to my total lack of experience at controlling an erection, I was leaking a lot of pre-cum...
...too much in fact...
...and, fearing that I was going to orgasm too soon, she immediately tried to pull my underwear down, but I blocked her hands.
"No! I can't...I won't put you through that!" I protested.
She ignored me...and, moving her left hand moved downward, she began caressing my bulge through them once again...
...while an indescribable electric sensation ran, non-stop, through my entire pelvic region...and soon getting very close to orgasm again, I failed to anticipate (and to stifle) a loud, involuntary moan...
...and realizing what that meant, she stopped caressing me abruptly; and, after probing my bulge gently with her fingertips, she managed to locate the shaft of my penis and, wrapping her hand around it, she squeezed it tightly...which actually caused the pulsating feeling in the nerve endings of its head intensify...as my heart rate went way, way up.
Realizing that I wasn't going to able to last much longer, she rolled me over rapidly, and then took my place, lying on her back...
...on top of the folded towel. Taking my right hand in both of her own, she kissed it, and then did the one thing that I'd valiantly managed to resist doing with it up until now: She slid it down between her legs...
...and pressed my fingers firmly against the outside of her distressingly-dry panties...
...and then her now-trembling hand slipped between my own legs again, but farther down this time; and, after she had used it to spread my thighs apart, she began to gently caress my testicles through my briefs...
...as I, in my ever-escalating arousal, extended my index finger and began tracing it up and down, pressing it forward slightly...
...and listening to her gasp as it sank, between the outer lips of her vulva, pushing her panties inside with it...
...and, before I knew what I was doing, I found myself rolling us both over...
...and lying on top of her, pressing my cotton-covered crotch directly against her silk-covered one...
...and it scared the hell out of me; but, seconds later, she was wrapping her arms around my neck and whispering in my ear.
"It's okay. Come on, let's just get it over with."
"Oh God, Sam...I remember what last night was like...I don't w-want to hurt you!" I gasped.
She lifted her eyes to mine and said again, in a calm, resigned voice, "Just do what you have to do."
"Sam, I'm not wearing a condom!"
"Shh," she whispered. "I love you."
"But-" I began...
...and she pressed her mouth over mine, silencing me. And as much as I hated to acknowledge it, I knew that she was right...that, if there was any hope at all for me, then I had to be with her...but I also knew that there was no way I could force myself onto - or into – her; and so, I decided to 'do the right thing'...
...and while looking at her lying under me...
...wearing nothing but a pair of white silk panties...
...and, with my penis screaming for release, in every sense of the word...
...I gently pushed her legs as far apart as possible...
...and then, pressing my still-clothed genitals firmly onto hers, I began slowly rubbing my bulge against her vulva...absolutely aching to be inside her...but determined, once again, to ejaculate in my underpants instead.
She wouldn't let me.
"No, Carls!" she exclaimed, attempting (and failing) to slide her hands under my chest and push my body away from her own.
Resisting, I wrapped my arms around her back and continued rubbing against her, forcing my mind to stay focused on orgasming...as quickly as I could.
"Sam, let's just do it this way...you won't even have to take your panties off!"
"I w-want you to...you need to feel a lot better than that," she reminded me.
"It's not necessary," I gasped, trying to control my breathing enough to answer her.
"It is! I need to sacrifice for you, Carls!"
"You can't...I won't let you!" I argued, nearly sobbing from my efforts to continue pleasuring myself against her and from the agonizing conflict that was tormenting every part of my body and mind...
...as I was forced to admit to myself how badly I didn't want to be inside her...
...and how badly I did.
"You sacrificed for me...last night," she reminded me...
...and I realized that I hadn't yet reminded her of something.
Stilling my hips, I somehow got my wits about me again and pointed out, "Sam, before you got your uh...third leg, you only had your period for two days instead of five, remember?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, now that you're a girl again, did your period come back? Do you have it right now?"
"No, Carls, I don't," she admitted, "...but what does that have to do with-"
"Don't you see?" I answered. "Since it didn't come back, then how do you know that we're safe? How do you know where in your cycle you are right now?"
"I don't care-"
"What if you're ovulating...right now?" I demanded...
...as the thought of that possibility caused my erection to wilt (rapidly) by about 75%.
"I still don't ca-" she began, but then stopped, as she began to comprehend the full magnitude of the situation.
"Sam you told me you don't ever want kids," I reminded her.
"I don't..." she admitted, before blurting out, "...but I want you back the way you were! Not for my sake but for yours! Don't you see, Carls...there's absolutely no other way! What else could I possibly do for you that's more of a sacrifice than this?"
I didn't bother trying to find an answer, because I knew that she was right...there was no other way...but I also knew that I couldn't take her virginity and force her to have a child she didn't want.
"Look," I offered, suddenly inspired, "I'll pull out!"
"You won't."
"I have to! Don't you realize what a risk we're taking?" I asked incredulously.
"It's not a risk," she stated flatly.
"It is!"
"It's not," she persisted.
"It is!" I shouted, "what if you get-"
"That's exactly the point, Carls...I want you to..." she paused for a nearly a minute before continuing, more quietly this time, "I want you to...to...to try to knock me up...as hard as you can."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Y-you want me to try to get you-"
"Yes, Carls...as hard as you can," she replied with utmost sincerity...
...even as her voice betrayed her fears.
Fighting the urge to jump up and flee the state, I yelled, "Sam, have you lost your mind?"
"No," she replied. "Carls...don't you understand that the more selfish you are, the more unselfish I can be...and that it's the only chance we're going to have to-"
"What? Don't you realize what that means? What it could mean...for both of us...for the rest of our lives!"
"Do you want to change back?" she demanded.
"You know I do! But that doesn't mean I want to-"
"It's not about you wanting to, Carls...it's about you having to...and this is going to happen...right now," she announced...
...in a tone voice that made it very clear that it was now pointless for me to argue with her anymore...
...and, realizing that her mind was made up, and that nothing I could say or do was going to change it, I reluctantly gave in; but, still determined to put her first I added, "I'm going to be so careful not to hurt y-"
"I'm going to struggle," she informed me...
...and, completely shocked at this revelation, I assured her, "The instant you do, I'll stop."
"No. You won't."
"Sam, I swear I will!" I assured her. "Please, please believe me! If you even start to, I want you to know that I wil-"
"No, you won't...because I won't let you," she answered...
...and, freaking out completely at the mere thought of what she was suggesting, I shouted, "There's no way I'm going to force myself on you if you're struggling! That's crazy...that's rape!"
She looked into my eyes and shook her head, while stating, "I'll only be struggling because I have to...and it's your job to be selfish anyway and to...to finish...completely."
"NO!" I yelled, aghast.
"Carls, what other chance do we have for you to change back?" she concluded...
...and I started to cry.
Hard.
"I w-won't do that to you!"
"You have to."
"No! There's no way!" I sobbed.
"Carls, look at me," she said quietly.
"I can't!" I wailed...
...but she lifted my eyes to hers anyway and replied, "You have to make a decision...and you have to make it right now. One night of your life being a selfish jerk...or every night of the rest of your life with a penis."
I shook my head violently.
"No! Don't make me decide something like th-"
"Then I'll decide for you," she answered with finality...
...and, without allowing me to answer, she opened her legs wider...and, grabbing my wrist, she lowered my hand between them and pressed it up against her...
...and seconds later, her hand slid up between my own thighs...and, as I felt the gentle swell of her vulva against my fingers, and as her palm began to fondle my penis through my underwear again...
...my erection quickly inflated...
...and my resolve quickly wilted...
...and the last few vestiges of my ability to think logically quickly departed...because what she was doing to me felt so unbelievably wonderful.
Less than a minute later, she was sliding her hand - with difficulty - inside my briefs, and doing things with it that caused me to feel things I'd never dreamed were possible; and in my delirium, I found myself rolling over and pulling her panties down. I had them as far as her knees when she reached down with her free hand and grabbed one of mine.
"I want you to promise me that you'll try to...to knock me up. As hard as you can," she repeated...
...and the shock of this reminder caused my reeling brain to skid to a halt, affording me a rare moment of clarity; and I shouted, "No! I won't! And stop calling it that! You've told me more than once that you don't want kids!"
"And you told me more than once that you don't want a penis," she reminded me. "Come on, Carls...decide."
And, deciding quickly, I began to climb off her...
...and, rejecting my decision, she reached up with both hands, dragged me back down onto her, and rolled me over. Pinning me with her forearm against my chest, she managed to yank my underpants down and then off my body...
...resulting in a rapturous sensation of relief, as my tortured penis finally escaped its confinement...
...which was replaced almost immediately by pangs of overwhelming apprehension when, seconds later, Sam began kissing her way down my stomach...slowly and lingeringly...gradually moving lower and lower...until she reached my genitals...
...and we both lay there, in petrified silence, for nearly a minute...
...while she hesitated...
...before finally - and fearfully - lowering her face toward the tops of my thighs...
...and, as she began slowly running her tongue around the badly-swollen, incredibly sensitive head of my massive, throbbing penis...
...my entire body began shaking violently at the resulting, incredible rush of arousal.
Seconds later, I found her lying under me, where I had hastily moved her...
...and I found myself on my knees, straddling her hips, as I grabbed my bottle of almond-scented moisturizer from my nightstand...
...and began squirting it...generously and sloppily...along the entire length of my penis's shaft, with badly-shaking hands; and then, as I stared down in horror at the way it was dripping steadily off the tip of its head, directly onto her taut, flat stomach...
...and collecting there like a wide, white, slippery puddle of semen...
...I realized what was about to happen...
...I realized the full horror of what I was about to do to her...
...but Sam reached up and took both of my hands in her own, and then looked directly into my eyes.
"I know it's going to hurt."
"Sam, I wish it didn't h-have to b-be this way! I wish I didn't have to take your virginity like this!" I sobbed. "The last thing I want is to-"
"Shh," She replied. "Just do what you have to do."
And, somehow feeling both reluctance and eagerness, I pulled her panties the rest of the way off; and then, carefully spread her legs wide apart, I knelt between them, and slid a hand under each of her knees...pulling them upward...
...and then I lowered myself between her thighs as far as I could and, after a bit of fumbling, I managed to position the swollen tip of my badly-engorged penis directly against the entrance to her vagina.
Filled equally with arousal and self-loathing, I leaned down and looked into her face. Her eyes were closed, but it was easy to see that she was terrified.
"If I do it all at once, it'll be over faster," I said softly.
She nodded shakily...
...and moving my hands from under her knees to under her shoulders, I grabbed onto her firmly...
...praying that she wouldn't suffer...not as I had the night before...
...but still, my mind exploded with self-hatred at the loud, high-pitched cry I heard from her when, leaning my full weight against her, I forced my way inside her vagina...
...penetrating her deeply...
...which immediately resulted in a series of additional, drawn-out sobs as her hymen tore painfully...
...and which made me all the more determined to finish quickly. And so, I closed my eyes and lay there without moving, focusing (guiltily) on how unbelievably good it felt to be inside her...trying my hardest to orgasm that way, without subjecting her to any additional pain.
Immediately realizing what I was trying to do, she grabbed my hips...
...and I opened my eyes to hers.
"Carls! Don't you dare!" she half gasped, half sobbed.
"I can't put you through-" I began...
...but stopped abruptly when she wrapped her legs around me tightly...moaning from the pain she felt between them as she did..
...pain that was all my fault...
...and then, to my complete astonishment, despite the agony she was in, she began pushing her hips upward and toward mine, over and over...causing me to penetrate her vagina...deeply and repeatedly...
...and the sensation of the walls of her vagina rubbing wetly yet tightly against the entire length of my penis felt so utterly amazing...
...that I hated myself for enjoying it so much; and so, I tried to pull out...
...but, a second later, I felt her legs tighten around my torso.
"No! You can't!" she insisted.
"I have to! I'm hurting you!" I yelled, trying to once again...but before I could, she reached up and, pulling me even closer, she threw her arms around my shoulders, holding onto it every bit as tightly as her legs were wrapped around my lower back. Desperate to stop her, I lay my full body weight on top of her chest, causing her hips to still.
She shook her head and demanded, "Listen to me! I want you to promise me that you'll do what I told you to...all of it."
"I can't!" I sobbed, shifting on top of her as I attempted once again to get up...
...which caused my penis to rub against the inside of her damaged vagina, making her cry out in pain, but she bit it back as best she could and answered, "It's only going to have to happen once...if you'll just do everythin-"
"You don't know that! You can't know that...or if this is even going to work at all!" I wailed, while trying to think logically and to control my erection at the same time...
...one of the most difficult things in the world to do.
"Got a better idea?"
"N-no," I admitted.
"Come on," she urged. "Just this one time."
I knew how badly I was hurting her - both physically and emotionally - and I hated it...
...but I knew that, if there was any hope of us getting my wish, that she had to be incredibly unselfish for me...which meant that I had to be incredibly selfish with her...
...and so, even though I found the idea to be absolutely repugnant, I gave myself over to it...
...totally...
...and reluctantly turning my attention completely away from her, and focusing only on how wet and wonderful it felt to be inside her body, I screwed up every last bit of resolve that I could...and then I began thrusting my penis into her...
...rapidly and deeply...
...again and again...
...as hard as I could...
...but, as incredible as it felt, and despite doing my best to focus only on my own pleasure, all I could think about is how much I hated what I was doing to her...
...because my selfish thoughts were now being interrupted repeatedly by her anguished sobbing next to my ear...
...which made me hate myself even more for enjoying how good it felt to be inside her...
...so good that, deep down, I knew a part of me never wanted it to end...
...yet somehow managing to keep that part of me somewhat under control, I swore to myself to not drag it out as I'd made her do last night...which meant that there was only one way to finish quickly...and so, once again, I gave myself over - fully and selfishly - to my own pleasure...hoping that it would cause me to orgasm sooner...
...and, when I realized that I seemed to be getting close, I closed my eyes, and focused hard on how badly I wanted to ejaculate...
...but she immediately realized what I was trying to do, and grabbed onto the sides of my torso with both hands, immobilizing me.
"Carls, no" she gasped. "Not yet! You have to hold back...for as long as you can!"
"I can't! I can't do that to you!"
"You can and you will!" she answered, blinking away the tears of pain that were welling up steadily in her eyes.
"I can't!" I repeated.
"For fuck's sake Carls, don't argue with me! Just do it!"
"But-"
Without a word, she moved her right hand off my left side and, reaching under me, she grabbed onto the base of my penis, which was protruding from her body...
...hard.
"Ow, Sam! Let go!" I demanded. "You're hur-"
"Shut up for a second!" she answered, in a voice that reluctantly betrayed how much pain she was feeling. "Do you want all of this to have been for nothing?"
I couldn't answer...
...I was too busy trying not to cry and/or orgasm.
"You need to be selfish!" she demanded. "So think only about yourself...just this once. Try to make me get-" her voice trailed off...
...but her hand took over, and began to pump my penis...vigorously...
...which only increased my arousal...
...and decreased my resolve...
...and, despite her admonition that I think only about myself, I suddenly realized that it was now becoming incredibly difficult to think at all...about anything. But the one thing I did comprehend was that I couldn't hold back much longer. I had to decide...right now...
...and, even though it killed me to do so...I admitted to myself that Sam was right...
...that this was the only chance I had. And so, consumed with self-loathing, I did the most selfish thing of my entire life...
...to a girl who didn't ever want to have children.
I tried to make her.
Without further protest or hesitation, I reached down and unwrapped her fingers from the exposed base of my penis...
...and, giving myself over to selfish gratification, I began thrusting into her - deeply and repeatedly – doing my best to ignore her low, drawn-out sobs of pain, until I was getting so close to release that holding back was becoming difficult...
...and, without further hesitation, I decisively penetrated her vagina as far as I possibly could, until I felt the tip of my penis pressing directly against the slightly-indented entrance to her cervix...
...and then, blinking back the tears that were forming in my own eyes, I looked deeply into hers.
I had made my decision.
And she knew what it was.
And I had never seen her look so terrified. But still, she nodded slowly...
...and then, as promised, she began to struggle...
...hard...
...and, hating myself more than I ever thought was possible, I grabbed onto her hips as she twisted under me...
...forcing her to lie still...
...while pressing my the tip of my penis against her the opening to her cervix as tightly as I could...
...and in that instant - to my immense relief - she stopped struggling...
...and as she did, I closed my eyes...
...and stopped struggling myself...
...both physically and emotionally...
...and then, with a moan...
...and without a condom...
...I let go...
...immediately straining all my pelvic muscles forward, as hard as I could...
...causing an explosion of semen to gush out of me...and, from the slight resistance that it met...yet the near absence of liquid that should have been pooling around the end of my penis, but wasn't...
...I realized that I was forcing most of it way past her cervix...
...and into her uterus...
...while I flooded deep inside her; praying as I did that she would conceive our child inside this beautiful body of hers...
...while fully aware of how much I loved the slippery, incredible, earth-shattering release of orgasm...
...my first orgasm with her...which was over far too quickly...
...and about thirty seconds later, completely drained, in every sense of the word, I fell down on top of her...
...immediately hating myself for what I had just done...
...and for what I had just been thinking...even though my fervent prayers were only the result of my reluctant determination to obey her instructions that I 'try as hard as I could'.
My guilt trip was interrupted when I heard her sniff near my ear...
...and, still deep inside her, I whispered, with my voice shaking, "I'm so sorry! I love you...so much! I...wanted to make you...to get you...I tried really hard to-"
"I know you did," she murmured, raising her head off the pillow and pressing her damp cheek against my shoulder.
"But...you said you don't want to have children," I reminded her.
"That's right. I don't."
"Then...why didn't you try harder to stop me?" I asked...even though I already knew the answer.
"Because I knew exactly how you felt in that moment...and that I had no right to take it away from you...because I knew that you had to be selfish," she answered...
...and, losing it completely, I sobbed, "I swear I'll n-never do anything l-like this to you again! Even if I never change b-back!"
"I know you won't," she answered simply, but this remark barely registered in my brain...which was suddenly engulfed with a new sensation...
...one of profound euphoria and relaxation; and, wanting nothing more at that moment than to fall asleep...I pulled out of her vagina...
...listening to her gasp as I did...
...which was drowned out by my own, much louder gasp as I saw, by the dim light of my table lamp, that the entire length of my penis was liberally smeared with her blood and, to a lesser degree, with my cum.
Fortunately, I made it to the bathroom before she saw me break down in tears.
Less than five minutes later, I was listening to her biting back sobs as I dabbed between her legs with a warm, wet cloth; and, once I had finished, and she was wearing a pad and a clean pair of my panties, I climbed into bed with her...wearing a pair of her boxers (after all I had just been through, I didn't need the added agony of tight underwear for the rest of the night). Instead, I needed to focus on what to say next. After all, there were so many things that needed to be said...
...so many things that I wanted to tell her.
Lying my head next to hers on the pillow, I reached down and took her left hand in my right one, and looked into her still-damp and pain-filled eyes.
"Sam, I just want you to know that, no matter what, I'm going to st-" I began...
...but that's as far as I got...
...because, at that moment, I fell asleep mid-sentence.