Chapter 43 – Too Happy to Remember

Disclaimer – AW and co. still own the characters.

Complete. He felt complete. The sun spilling in through the open windows, overly bright as it bounced up off the Hudson, highlighting the gold strains of her chestnut hair as it splayed across her pillow. Castle was torn between waking her up to play and watching her sleep.

Deciding to let her continue on in dream land, he carefully extracted himself from the bed. Pulled on his jeans and padded into the living room. He needed to call Alexis and coffee sounded like a brilliant idea.

It struck him that they hadn't broken into last night's desserts; nothing sinful about sweets and coffee for breakfast. Castle ordered coffee from room service, giving them strict instructions to text him when the cart was in the hall. He wanted to surprise her with breakfast in bed.

Castle picked up his phone to call Alexis. He had text her yesterday afternoon to let he know where he was, she said he didn't need to call her. He wanted to, he was still the dad.

Perched on the park bench, the sunlight warmed their faces as Kate gushed to her mother about Castle. Confiding in her mother that she may have found her'one and done.'For the first time Kate felt complete. Kate reached over to brush the hair from her mother's face, to tell her she loved her. Her fingers strained, frantically trying to grasp her mother before she transformed into a translucent image of herself to be swept away by the gentle morning breeze.

Kate woke in a cold sweat, tears sliding down her cheeks, struggle to breathe. Bed sheets clung to her body as an uncomfortable straight jacket, daring her to move. Fuck.

A wave of guilty relief coursed through Kate's veins when she realized she was alone in the bed. Her head was spinning. Conversations with her mother always ended the same, Kate desperately clinging to one wish. A wish for five more minutes, one more touch – one more I love you. Kate hated waking up this way, she hadn't dreamed up conversations with her mother since her hospital stay. Kate believed she had conquered the dream that turned into a nightmare waking with one more wish.

Delivering a swift mental kick in the head, Kate refused to allow the dream to choke her, take her beneath the surface where she struggled for air. Leaping out of bed, grabbing a hotel robe from the nearby closet she headed towards the living room. Solitude was her enemy, seeing Castle would save her.

Castle's back was to her, he was on the phone wearing nothing but jeans. Kate grinned with embarrassment at the series of little bites that peppered his right shoulder; pay back for the branding he gave her last weekend. The grin turned into a frown when she heard his conversation with Alexis.

"Yes, Sweetheart we're good. Better than good, great. She's still sleeping. I know it was your turn to cook on Wednesday, but I thought maybe we could switch weeks. Smart kid, yes I invited Kate. I love you too."

Kate retreated to the bathroom and cranked on the hot water, scrubbed off her makeup from the night before while the bathroom filled with steam.

A quick brush of her teeth and she was into the shower. The water washing over her body failed to bring the mental relief she was looking for. She was a whirling mess of anger and jealousy. The water surging over her body only served as a reminder of everywhere he had touched her the night before rather than rinsing it away. A battle began to rage within her as guilt consumed her.

Castle returned to the lounge to find a freshly showered Kate in blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Her eyes avoiding his, arms crossed, jaw set with determination. He instantly flashed back to the morning after their almost night in LA, was she going to pretend last night didn't happen? Was she going to run?

Trying to maintain their new level of intimacy Castle plopped down on the couch beside her. "Hey." He grit his teeth as he felt her shift away. What the hell was going on?

She responded with a sideways glance and a soft, "Hey."

Castle stretched an arm across the back of the couch, sliding his fingers across the back of her neck. He felt her stiffen. "I ordered up some coffee and thought we'd break out last night's deserts."

Avoiding his look looking like a petulant child she huffed out, "More of a toast girl."

Castle, ever the mediator, sprung to his feet "Fine, fine. I'll get you toast." He halted mid stride, he had promised himself that no matter what happened from this weekend forward he would not walk around on glass around her. At least not without good reason, "What the hell is going on?"

Shrugging her shoulders she turned to look out the window, she remained silent, her eyes dull and lifeless.

"I asked what was going on." His eyes turned a steely slate blue as he stood looming over her, "What happened between last night's love making…not once, not twice but three times and now?"

The silence emanating from her body was deafening. She shifted slightly to tuck her legs underneath her, physically retracting further into herself.

Kate knew she owed him explanation; the problem was she didn't have one. She couldn't see straight, she wanted to run. It was too much. She wasn't ready for him to see the chaos of her psyche.

Castle's blood was boiling. He could see her shutting down before his eyes. "That wasn't you asking for more?"

Closing her eyes and visibly wincing she muttered, "Stop."

Kneeling before her and pleading, "Telling me you loved me?"

She tried to untuck her legs, preparing to run. He was in the way. She couldn't leave without pushing him – emotionally and physically. She didn't want to hurt him, to touch him. "Please."

Castle begged her, "Kate – what is going through your head? My heart can't take this."

Barely holding on, she confessed, "I'm reeling – I want to walk out that door…"

"You want to leave me?"

"Yes. No."

Castle scrubbed his hands across his face; he brought them to rest on her thighs. "Look at me. Please."

Her head started to clear, she heard her mother talking to her, encouraging her to let him in. Through embarrassed half lidded eyes she furtively glance at him "Sorry."

He wanted to be gentle, his voice betrayed him as he spewed out "Sorry?" If she said she was sorry for last night, sorry for saying she loved him – he was done. Rick jammed his fists into his pockets, demanding "About what?"

His phone began to buzz in his pocket. Damn – the coffee was here. Kissing the top of her head as he headed off to fetch the coffee, Rick needed her to know that the conversation wasn't over. That he would listen. She might be closed. But he was open.

Burying her head in her hands Kate bit the insides of her cheeks as she clenched her teeth. What the hell did she just do? Why was she trying to sabotage something so beautiful, so right?

Castle taking slow but deliberate steps he pushed the service cart into the room. Shame flooded her heart. How many times had she watched him cautiously approach her with a cup of coffee as a peace offering? One too many, this time it was one too many times.

Accepting the coffee he offers, she inhales the all too familiar aroma, searching for the courage to let him. Fighting to find the balance between her head and her heart, "Can we start this morning over?"

Seating himself at the opposite end of the couch, Castle spotted a hint of Kate hiding behind the murky questioning eyes. These were unchartered waters for Castle, pushing when he normally retreated, "After you share with me what is going on in that beautiful head of yours."

Clutching her coffee for strength, Kate wondered how he continued to see her as beautiful when she was acting like a total bitch. "It's complicated."

Kate needed a peace offering, a diversion that would allow her to stall or everything would come out of her mouth wrong. He was visibly hurting. It was her fault, her stupid pride.

Setting her coffee down on the table she stood and headed to the pantry. Feeling his eyes penetrating her back Kate returned to him stroking a hand across the stubble accentuating his jaw, "I'll only be a minute," she promised.

Castle felt the air escaping from his lungs.

She returned wearing a shy smile, nestling in beside him with a plate of tiramisu and two forks. "Confession time?"

He let out a strangled, "Please."

"I woke up and all I wanted to do was to…" she started to cry.

Castle was baffled, taking the plate from her shaking hands he set it on the table beside them.

He didn't know what to do other than to pull her to his lap and hold her tight. Something told him that the storm sweeping through Kate wasn't about them. It included them but it wasn't about them. She clung to him as she wept.

When had crying ever been so good? Releasing the weight of the emotion turning and burning inside. Never. Wiping her runny nose on her sleeve, "…was call my mom."

"Ah Kate – "

"I don't want to scare you off."

Gather her hair in his fingers, pulling her head to his heart, "Does it sound like I am going anywhere? Tipping her chin to look her into her eyes, "I am not going anywhere. I smell like you, I don't have a shirt on and if I hold you any tighter I am going to bruise you."

With the softest of voices she whispered, "I wouldn't mind if you held me tighter, I can take it."

Castle crushed her to his chest, murmuring his plea into her ear. "Let me in."

"That's what she said, to do 'let you in.'"

"Who?"

"My mom."

"Your mother?"

"I saw her today. I know it sounds insane, but I did. I saw her when I died too. She held my hand turned me around and told me it wasn't my time. She was gone before I could tell her I loved her. Twice I missed a chance to tell her I loved her. The last time we talked I was mad about something stupid; can't even remember what it was. We always said 'I love you' when we hung up the phone. I was being a brat and when my mother said "Love you Katie – see you at dinner." I only said, 'Ok'. Why didn't I tell her I loved her?"

Sinking further into the couch he relaxed his grip on her, maneuvering them to allow her to stretch out along the length of his body. "Today?"

"I was telling her about you, I woke up before I could finish. I went looking for you and you were talking to Alexis."

It was coming together, he understood her pain, "You heard me tell her 'I love her.'"

Dipping her head in shame Kate confessed, "I was so jealous of you having that five minutes with your daughter. When I dream of my mother I always wake up wishing for five more minutes, where I tell her I love her. She always leaves before I can say 'I love you.' Why does she always leave me Castle?"

His heart was breaking for her, but he still needed to know -"You said you wanted to leave, why?"

"I didn't want you to see what a mess I am, but you made me promise not to walk out the door. So I stayed. I was so jealous and angry that I am not able to talk to my mom the way you talk to Alexis – I didn't know how to look you in the eye and not feel guilty about my jealousy. How not to feel guilty about last night…" brushing his lips with her fingers, willing him to stay quiet "…guilty that for the first time since my mom died – I didn't say good night before I went to sleep – I was distracted, I forgot.

Trying to sooth her with the tender tone of his voice, "Kate, it is okay that you forgot."

"No, I forgot because I was too happy to remember."