I thank God that Sam was only four steps up from the bottom of our staircase.
I also thank Him for giving her that extra layer of padding on her butt...
...because she landed on it pretty hard.
Mercedes Neilsen gasped, looking over at the stairs from under her auburn bangs and dropping Spencer's hand, a second after she'd grasped it...
...and less than a minute later, all five of us had converged in a circle around Sam, who lay sprawled on the floor.
Ignoring our ten outstretched arms, she scrambled, blushing, to her feet.
"I'm f-fine," she assured us, although visibly shaken...
...while rubbing her obviously aching butt.
"Are you sure, Sam?" Socko asked, and after she'd insisted that she was, Spencer turned to the Nielsens.
"Anyway, Andrew, Mercedes...this is my sister, Carly," he announced.
I shook their hands.
"And this...well, this is Our Sam!" he added with a smile, laying an affectionate hand on top of her head.
Sam stopped rubbing her sore butt long enough to shake hands with the Nielsens, still looking more than a little embarrassed.
"Nice tie, Socko!" she blurted out, obviously eager to redirect everyone's attention away from herself.
"Thanks, it was a Christmas gift from Tyler" was his answer...
...which was followed by a long, awkward silence...during which we all stared at our feet and/or each other.
"Well," Spencer (finally) said, "our reservations aren't for another hour, so can I offer anyone a drink?"
"No, nothing for me, thanks," Socko spoke up immediately.
Spencer turned to Mrs. Nielsen.
"Mercedes?"
"Oh, no, thank you...but would you mind telling me where you bought that?" she asked, gesturing across the room...
...toward Spencer's Bottle Bot.
With a slightly self-conscious smile, he walked over to it, asking, "You mean this?" When she nodded, he continued, "Actually, I made it myself."
Mercedes joined him on the other side of the room; and then, smiling appreciatively, she walked around his sculpture several times, examining it from all angles.
"What a charming piece...so fresh and inventive!" she exclaimed, before calling across the room, "Socko, you never told me that Spencer's an artist!"
"Yes, he is actually...and a damned good one at that," he replied loyally.
Upon hearing this, she turned back to Spencer and asked, "Do you have any other examples of your work here at home...or are they all on exhibit somewhere?"
At the suggestion that his work might be on display at some gallery or other, Spencer smiled sadly, but only for a moment, before managing to conceal his disappointment rather well, and replying, "Actually, I have about twelve smaller items, but they're in boxes, in the upstairs storage closet; along with my portfolio of a few commissioned pieces I've sold. I'd be happy to show you, if you'd like."
Mrs. Nielsen turned in the direction of her husband, who was now sitting on the couch, next to Socko, deep in conversation.
"Andrew?"
"No, dear, go on ahead," he answered over his shoulder, before resuming his discussion with Socko...
...while Spencer and Mrs. Nielsen promptly disappeared upstairs.
Barely able to contain my excitement over the upcoming evening...and slightly anxious for it to begin...I began wandering nervously around my living room, looking for a way to kill time until our ride arrived...
...soon finding one on our coffee table...
...and, picking up the afternoon's unusually large mail delivery, I took it over to the kitchen counter and began to sort it. Near the bottom of the tall stack of bills and other correspondence was a Porcelain Barn catalog; and, just as I had settled onto a bar stool and begun to page through it...
...my phone rang. After a short conversation, I hung up...
...and then walked into the kitchen, and over to Sam...
...who was standing with her head buried deep inside the fridge.
"Uh, it's time to wrap up whatever you're doing in there," I informed her, "because Wendy just called. "They're going to be here in less than ten minutes, so we'd better get downstairs."
A moment later, Sam emerged...
...with a large, half-eaten eclair between her teeth...
...and (as usual) with sticky hands and face.
Within thirty seconds, the rest of the eclair had disappeared, and I pulled her over to the sink for a fast clean-up; and then, after we'd grabbed our backpacks off the counter, I walked over to the couch.
"Excuse me, Socko?"
As he turned away from Mr. Nielsen and looked up at me, I continued, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but when Spencer comes back down would you please tell him that we've left?"
"Of course," he replied. "He mentioned that you two are going to the circus. Have a great night."
"Oh, we will!" I assured him, before looking over at Mr. Nielsen and adding, "It was really nice meeting you...and I hope you and Mrs. Nielsen enjoy your stay in Seattle."
"Thank you," he answered, with a sincere smile, "but it's going to be a short one. We're leaving late tomorrow evening. I hope you enjoy your night out, as well," he added; and then, with a last, friendly nod, he turned back to Socko...
...and, in our eagerness to be on our way, Sam and I practically tore out the front door...
...smiling manically as we took the elevator downstairs...
...but then, as its doors opened, we turned to each other...
...obviously thinking the same (highly unpleasant) thought...
...and then...
...both of us cringing with dread...
...we stepped out and began to cross the lobby...
...as surreptitiously as possible...
...but, unfortunately, when we were less than ten feet from the door, Lewbert noticed.
"Only one bag each?" he screamed, eying our backpacks. "Damn! I was hoping you two were leaving for good this time!"
"Shut it, Lew-ser!" Sam shot back over her shoulder. "You really should sue your brain for non-support!"
"Oh no! Time to call the exterminator again! The pests are back!" he shrieked, pointing to us with both hands, so the five or six people milling around the lobby would know exactly what he was referring to.
Naturally, Sam wasn't about to let this observation go unanswered.
"If they are back, then the first place that needs to be sprayed is your hair...followed by your underwear!" she shouted...
...sounding way past annoyed...
...as she turned around and took a menacing step toward the desk where he sat.
"So, Sam, where do you think Mrs. Carlson is going to take us for dinner?" I asked...
...immediately and loudly.
At the mention of food, she stopped dead in her tracks...
...and, after less than a minute's (tormented) internal struggle, she promptly did another about-face, back toward me...
...and then, while muttering something over her shoulder about 'getting even with him later', she followed me through the revolving door and out into damp, overcast, late afternoon Seattle.
Mrs. Carlson and Wendy were waiting.
A short time later, once we'd left the city behind and were heading East on the I-90, Sam leaned forward, toward the front seats, and exclaimed, "Mrs. Carlson, this SUV is incredible...it's got killer suspension!"
"Why, thank you, Sam...it's nice of you to say so," she replied, glancing back at us momentarily, via the rear-view mirror.
I smiled. Leave it to Sam to notice something like that. I myself don't pay much attention to cars and their various features; but then, as I sank farther into the British Tan leather upholstery, I noticed what she meant. It was indeed one even ride, especially noticeable when we drove over some of the rougher patches of road.
Since Sam and I were Mrs. Carlson's guests, we let her direct the conversation; and initially, it centered on her wanting to catch up with the two of us, on what we had been doing at school, etc., since she'd seen us last. Fortunately, she didn't actually ask what was happening with iCarly...
...because I wouldn't have had any idea how to answer her...
...and I think Sam sensed that the conversation was beginning to veer in that direction, because she soon changed the subject, asking Wendy what her summer plans were going to be. (It turns out she was angling for an internship at the huge ad agency where her mom is employed, doing some kind of administrative work in their Human Resources office.)
After that, talk turned to the circus...
...and Sam had a hundred and one questions...
...none of which any of us could answer; and so we told her that she'd just have to wait and see...
...an answer which, to my surprise, she accepted graciously, sitting in polite silence as we drove on...
...even though, judging from the expression on her face, she was about to burst with anticipation.
About fifteen minutes later, Mrs. Carlson pulled off the highway and made a short detour, toward Easton, explaining that we were having dinner at a nearby Salad City, because that restaurant offered such fast service.
Her suggestion was fine with Sam and me; and nearly an hour later, after we'd enjoyed four Chicken Caesar Salads, and five servings of Chocolate Mousse (guess who had seconds), we were back on the road toward Bristol...
...arriving about half an hour later, and locating the circus grounds without incident.
Locating a parking space, however, turned out to be a minor nightmare; but eventually, we found our way (with just ten minutes to spare) into the Main Tent. The bleachers were already pretty crowded, but finally, after circling over to the far side of the ring, we found four seats that were close together; with Wendy and her mom taking the two lower spots, while Sam and I sat above them, one tier up...
...and then, less than three minutes later...
...with a loud and elaborate fanfare of trumpets...
...the circus began.
I wish I could give you a detailed, minute-by-minute account of the entire show...
...and a long, comprehensive description of each and every act...but I can't...
...because I could barely take my eyes off Sam...
...who sat, with her own eyes darting back and forth between the numerous acts, going on simultaneously in the show's three rings...
...while wearing an expression that can only be described as rapturous.
Here's what I do remember though:
At some point, there was a very impressive aerial act...on motorcycles(!)...
...which was followed by a troupe of the most violent clowns I've ever seen. There were eight or nine of them, and were really beating the crap out of each other...
...using assorted, huge, blunt objects...
...and, in my opinion, Sam seemed to be enjoying that act just a little too much. (I had a sneaking suspicion that she was taking mental notes for new torture techniques to use on Freddie; but, after all, it was her night, and so, not wanting to spoil it for her in any way, I said nothing.)
The clowns were followed by a performance of trained tigers...
...after which, we saw a rather impressive trio of Globe Rollers...
...who were followed by a Dancing Elephants act...
...and then we watched a very unusual display of suspended juggling.
After about ninety minutes, the show ended; and, once the crowd had thinned out somewhat, we climbed down from our seats and began heading toward the front of the tent. Less than ten feet from its crowded exit, Mrs. Carlson ran (unexpectedly) into her boss, who was out for the evening with his wife and kids; and Sam and I stood nearby in polite silence as Mrs. C. introduced Wendy, informing Mr. Montgomery that she had applied for a summer internship position at their firm. Upon hearing this, he asked Wendy if she could spare a few minutes right then to talk.
She looked over at her mother questioningly, and Mrs. C. nodded, and then turned to Sam and me, saying, "This could take a little while, so why don't you girls go have a look around on your own? We'll meet you back at the car at 10:45."
Needing no further incentive, Sam eagerly left the tent. I followed her out, and then, after telling her to lead the way and go wherever she liked, I fell in beside her and we began wandering around the vast grounds. For some reason, she insisted on glancing into every single one of the smaller tents we passed, even the ones that were obviously deserted. I had a feeling that she was looking for Anton Oswell, (although I'm not sure why), but not wanting to mention anything that might upset her/spoil her evening, I didn't ask...in case I was wrong.
The majority of the tents we stopped at housed circus sideshows, and the first one had a huge banner over its entrance...
...bearing the word *FREAKS*...
...which, in my opinion, is rather rude...after all, these are people...with feelings.
Anyway, as we entered, I turned to Sam and whispered sternly, "Listen...I don't want to hear a single 'witty' remark from you...no matter what they look li-"
Before I'd even finished the sentence, she turned to me...
...wearing a disbelieving, genuinely hurt expression...
...and, regretting that I'd been so presumptuous and scolded her for no reason, I threw my always-closely-guarded protocol to the wind, and leaned over and kissed her cheek...
...lingeringly. Pulling back, I saw the way she was looking at me...
...with an 'I-love-you-for-that-and-forgive-you-completely-because-of-it' smile...
...and then I knew that everything was okay.
After we'd spent the next ten minutes making the acquaintance of Yuviry the Bearded Lady...
...Cynthia the Four-Foot Troll...
...Rebecca the Ferret-Faced Girl...
...and last (but certainly not least), Evelyn the Human Toad...
...we left the tent...
...with Sam casting a final backward glance over her shoulder.
"Still way more attractive than Ms. Briggs...every single one of them," she observed.
During the next half hour, we stepped into several other tents, watching an exhibition of sword swallowing, a man lying on a bed of nails, and a contortionist...who, among his other talents, could turn his head around completely. After I'd rejected her suggestion that we ask the last guy if he'd be willing to appear on iCarly, we walked into the last sideshow in the row...
...which featured and Escape Artist...
...and, after he'd successfully released himself from a leather straight jacket, a padlocked milk can full of water, a bank vault, and an Iron Maiden full of nails, Sam insisted on going up to the stage to get his autograph...
...and a few suggestions on how to escape from a triple-locked, highly-guarded classroom when you have detention.
Upon hearing her request, he smiled broadly; and, crouching in front of us...
...he reached down, put a hand on Sam's shoulder, and pulled her closer to him...
...and then bent forward and whispered something in her ear...
...and her jaw dropped as her face lit up.
"Brilliant! Why didn't I ever think of that?" she exclaimed...
...staring up at him with an expression that was equal parts awe and gratitude...
...and, after she'd shaken his hand appreciatively, we left the tent...
...with her wearing an incredibly devilish smirk.
(To this day, she still won't reveal what he told her, even though...God knows...I've tried!)
Eventually, on the far side of the grounds, we came upon the *Souvenirs*tent.
Sam stopped in front of it, staring wistfully, and then walked on; but even though she'd only looked for a second or two...
...it was long enough for me to have noticed...
...and reaching forward and taking her by the arm, I gently turned her around and steered her inside...
...where, despite her half-hearted 'protests', I bought her a (very overpriced) Jingling Bros. T-shirt...because I wanted her to have a tangible reminder of the night.
And then, as we waited in line near the register, her expression suddenly changed...
...twice...
...first, to one of deep contemplation...
...and then, after a minute or so, to one of noble determination...
...and, before I could ask what was on her mind, she shrugged her backpack off and began digging inside it resolutely...
...eventually pulling out, from its deepest depths, a well-worn and badly-crumpled ten dollar bill...
...and the instant I saw it in her hand, I wanted to throw my arms around her (even though we were surrounded by at least twenty other people)...
...and tell her how much I loved her for what she was about to do...
...but, not wanting to make a scene, I said nothing...
...as she picked out a brass Jingling Bros. fob...
...for my keys...
...one which featured a colorful, enameled disk of a tiger jumping through a hoop of fire.
For my perpetually-hungry Sam to part with her 'Emergency Ten', was so incredibly touching; and I knew that it meant she really, really wanted me to have the key fob...
...so I didn't dare insult her by refusing.
Just outside the tent's entrance, she pulled me aside, and handed it to me...
...without a word...
...while looking up at me shyly from under her wind-tousled blonde bangs...
...and, overcome by her generosity, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead...
...gasping slightly as she reached down and took my right hand between both of her own.
And right then, I wanted to put my arms around her and hold her so close to me...
...for such a long time...
...and to tell her So Many Things...
...but I knew I didn't dare, not in such a crowded public place...
...and so instead, with a quiet sigh, I straightened up, feeling a deep twinge of regret...
...somewhere over on the left side of my chest...
...as she let go of my hand, and we walked on.
About thirty feet farther up the Midway, Sam stopped dead in her tracks...
...and began sniffing the air...
...soon zeroing in on her quarry as she pivoted in the direction of a nearby Concession Stand...
...and, knowing from past experience that she could only be expected to get limited mileage from a salad...and therefore, must be ravenously hungry...
...I parked her at a nearby, deserted picnic table, and then walked up to the food trailer...
...soon returning with two orders of hot dogs & fries, two lemonades, and a couple of huge Italian Water Ices (raspberry for her, lime for me).
As expected, Sam tore into her snack while I sat, quietly and happily, watching her; and once we'd finished eating, I fished my keys from the right-front pocket of my jeans and began to transfer them from their cheap, hardware store ring, onto my new fob, soon looking up...
...to see Sam staring at me closely...
...wearing the brattiest smile I'd ever witnessed...
...as she struggled to hold her laughter in.
"What's so funny?" I demanded.
"Your green mouth," she replied. "I was just wondering if you've been kissing Lewbert...because it looks like you have Syphil-lips!"
Incredibly disappointed that she wasn't standing up...
...so I could smack her butt properly...
...I settled for grabbing/biting her right hand instead...
...which, unfortunately, she seemed to really enjoy.
After shooting her a threatening, 'Just-wait-until-later-when-there-are-no-witnesses' look, I glanced at my watch; wanting to make sure we didn't inconvenience Mrs. C. (especially since the following day was Monday; and, therefore, a work day for her)...
...and so, as directed, we met her and Wendy by the car, promptly at 10:45. After bucking some brutal parking lot traffic, we eventually found ourselves back on the highway...
...and I soon leaned up toward the front seat and asked Wendy, "So, how did it go? Did he offer you a job?"
Not yet," she replied, "but I think it went pretty well. Mr. Montgomery said that the company is still accepting applications, but he did schedule me for an interview in two weeks, so both of you please keep your fingers crossed for me."
"Will do," Sam replied. "I really hope it works out for you, Wendy; they'd be so lucky to have you working there," she added...
...in the most sincere and heart-warming way...
...and at that moment, I wanted desperately to reach over and hold her hand, but I wasn't about to be disrespectful and do it in front of Mrs. C...
...not after she'd just been so generous to us...
...and so, with a quiet sigh, I leaned back against the seat and sneaked a longing glance over at Sam instead.
"You know, it was really nice of you to say that to Wendy," I told her...
...while barely suppressing a yawn.
Eyes still on the road, Mrs. C remarked, "You sound tired, Dear."
"No, I'm fine," I replied.
"Are you sure about that? I can hear it in your voice...were you up early this morning?" she asked.
"Yes," I admitted. "I had a lot of errands to run."
At this, Mrs. C. nodded understandingly, suggesting, "Well then, why don't you take a nap?"
"Oh, no, really...I'm okay," I insisted...
...not altogether honestly...
...because, truth be told, it had been a long day, and I really was beginning to feel beat.
"It's fine, we don't mind," Mrs. C. replied. "I know that you think falling asleep would be rude; but even though it's dark in here, I see that you can barely keep your eyes open. Sam, you don't mind if Carly stretches out back there, do you?"
"No, of course not," she replied, turning to me with a smile...
...and gesturing to her lap with both hands.
I only hesitated for a moment, before nodding...
...and then, kicking my shoes off (I'd been tramping around on an unpaved, gravel-covered lot), I lay down on my right side, stretching out across the full width of the seat, with my head on Sam's lap and my right cheek resting against her khaki-covered right thigh; pulling my knees up slightly toward my chest, just far enough so I'd fit.
Earlier, when we'd piled into the car and closed the doors, Wendy's mom had mentioned that it seemed a bit stuffy inside, and had lowered all the windows about halfway, for some fresh air...
...which, due to it being an April evening, was rather damp and cold...
...and, despite the welcome warmth which radiated from Sam's body, I shivered.
Sam felt it, and leaning down, she asked, in a voice just above a whisper, "Are you cold?"
"A little," I replied...
...and moments later, with a nod, she leaned down and to her left...
...down to the backpack lying near her feet...
...while I watched, puzzled...
...while she unzipped it and reached inside.
And then, I smiled broadly...
...as she pulled out the long trench coat she'd brought along but hadn't needed (the weather had held the entire time we were at the circus). After a bit of fumbling, she managed to unroll it completely...
...and then carefully covered me with it...
...from my shoulders, all the way down to my feet; wrapping me in it as tenderly as if I'd been a baby.
And then, feeling much warmer...and so incredibly loved...I snuggled down more comfortably on her lap...
...sighing contentedly...
...sure that I couldn't possibly feel more blissfully secure than I did at that moment.
I was wrong.
Less than a minute later, Sam's right hand carefully slid sideways between her stomach and the back of my head...
…and I felt her fingers twining themselves in my hair...
...but I'd only managed to enjoy that lovely sensation for a moment or two...
...when I realized that her left hand had moved under the trench coat...
...hesitating on my left hip for a few seconds, before sliding forward and off it...
...and then moving down farther, coming to rest against my lower abdomen.
As it did, I nodded, silently letting her know that it was fine for her to let her hand lie there...
...but, apparently, she had other ideas...
...because, seconds later, I felt her fingers fumbling with the button of my jeans...
...before opening it successfully...
...and then moving lower...
...to my zipper.
And, as she tugged it down, I began to shake my head from side to side on her lap...
...vigorously...
...suddenly afraid of what might happen next...
...and determined not to engage in any sort of lewd activity...not in here...
...not in front of our hosts...
...but, at that moment, her right hand left my hair, and came to rest on the left side of my head...
...as she stopped me from shaking it...
...and then began to stroke my cheek gently...
...letting me know that there was no reason for me to worry...
...and then, as I lay holding my breath...
...with no idea what she was going to do to me...
...she hooked her fingers into the back of the waistband of my jeans...
...slowly pulling them away from my backside, and downward, as far as she could...
...until they were about halfway down my hips...
...and, after hesitating for a long moment...
...she slid her hand down inside...
...and, seconds later, I could feel the warmth of her palm through my panties...
...as she began to caress my backside slowly...not in a seductive way, but in a very loving and very comforting one...
...and I began to breathe again.
And, as I felt her hand slipping over the white silk...
...fondling first my left cheek, and then my right...
...stopping occasionally to cup each one in her palm and squeeze it ever-so-slightly...
...I turned my head to the left and looked up...
...to see her smiling down at me, with the most loving expression on her face...
...one which said so many things...without any words whatsoever.
And, unable to look into her adoring eyes any longer without crying, I turned away to face forward again...
...and, as I felt the fingers of her right hand tangling in my hair again...
...I heard the slightest of tapping sounds on the roof.
It had started to rain...
...but I didn't care...
...because I was lying, curled up...and covered up...with my Sam...
...safe and warm, in the SUV's cozy backseat...
...surrounded by the faint glow emanating from the dashboard, the only light inside the vehicle...
...and by the murmur of Wendy's and Mrs. Carlson's voices from the front seat, as they talked quietly between themselves...
...and by the faint, fresh scent from the pine trees that lined the I-90, wafting in through the windows...
...and, suddenly realizing how tired I was, and how inviting my surroundings were...
...I closed my eyes...
...aware only of Sam's left hand, and the endless patterns it was tracing on my backside, as it slipped easily, over and across my silk panties...
...without stopping...
...communicating so clearly how happy she was...
...how happy I had made her...
...the knowledge of which filled me with indescribable joy.
I had done it.
I had pulled it off...giving her the birthday that she'd always dreamed of...
...one that she would never forget. And that made me so happy...
...and so determined to do my best to continue trying to make her happy...
...wondering and hoping ...that I'd be...able to...make her...this...happy...alwayz-z-z-z...
April 12th:
"Cupcake, you're home," I barely heard her say...
...but I kept my eyes closed, shaking my head in protest, not wanting this lovely dream to end...
...not wanting to emerge from the warm, safe cocoon of her lap...
...not wanting to lift my cheek from the firm, yet soft soft pillow of her khaki-covered thighs...
...especially since I could hear how much harder it was raining now.
"Come on, time to get up...you can go straight to bed once you're inside," she pointed out...
...pressing her fingertips into my right butt cheek and giving it a little shake...
...and at that, my eyes flew open...
...as I realized that, at some point during my nap, her hand had slipped inside my panties...
...and was now resting directly against my bare backside.
Still, I shook my head again...
...just as stubbornly...
...until she moved her hand up to my left butt cheek...
...and tickled it...
...and, gasping, I almost jumped up...
...until, realizing that my jeans were wide open and pulled down partway, I rolled over onto my back on Sam's lap to fix them, doing my best to pull them up and zip them shut without causing the trench coat that covered me to ripple too tellingly...
...but as it turns out, I needn't have worried...
...because Mrs. Carlson and Wendy weren't even watching. They were too busy leaning forward and staring out the wet front windshield, at something that was going on in the parking lot.
Turning my face upward again, I looked at Sam...
...who was still looking down at me, with a contented, loving smile...
...one which warmed my heart tremendously...and, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than for her to wrap her arms around me and to hold me close...
...but I was still well aware that it would be rude for her to do it in the back seat of Mrs. C's SUV.
But then, somehow, Sam read my mind; and, leaning forward, she lowered her head, presumably to look out the front windshield...
...as she slid her arms under the trench coat which still lay across her lap, covering me...
...and then, undetectably, and to my utter joy...
...she wrapped her arms around my body and carefully pulled me up against her...
...and, as she held me in her arms, I pressed my left cheek against the warm softness of her upper chest...
...and snaked my hands around her waist, just over her hips, and lay there, speechless with joy, while she peered as best she could through the rain-streaked front windshield...
...and out through the darkness of Bushwell Plaza's parking lot, as she asked, "What do you think is going on up there?"
"I'm not sure, because there are three other cars ahead of us," Wendy answered, "but it looks like a fender bender, in front of the building's entrance. I also see a patrol car, two cops, and that crazy doorman who works the front desk waving his arms and screaming."
From where I lay I couldn't see anything, and so I strained my ears out of curiosity; but since Mrs. C. had closed the windows, presumably to keep the rain out, all I could hear was the low hum of the motor.
"We could just get out here," I offered...
...even though the last thing I wanted was for Sam to let go of me.
"No, stay in the car for a minute," Mrs. C. directed. "It's raining pretty hard, so I'll get you a bit closer to the entrance." Shifting her gaze to the rear-view mirror, she asked, "And where do you live, Sam?"
"Oh, actually, I'll be getting out with Carly," she replied, still looking out the front windshield, while tightening her arms around me(!) and saying, "Knowing Lewbert, this could take awhile, and it's not that far...and it's almost two in the morning, so we'll just get out here and run inside."
"Are you sure you don't mind?" Mrs. C. asked.
"Positive," she assured her; and, as her arms released me, I sat up...
...feeling rested, yet reluctant...
...watching in disappointment as she rolled the trench coat up and stuffed it back into her bag.
We both got out of the car and, ignoring the rain, Sam stopped in front of the driver's side window, which Mrs. C. had lowered.
Extending her hand, she said, very politely, "Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Carlson...and for the show...and dinner, and...everything. I had a really nice time."
"You're very welcome, Dear."
Mrs. C. turned to me; and, after I'd thanked her just as sincerely, and said goodnight to both her and Wendy, Sam and I made a mad dash for Bushwell Plaza's front entrance...
...where a small group of people had now gathered...
...which aided us in successfully managing to sneak, unnoticed, past Lewbert...
...who was still waving his arms and screaming at everyone within listening distance.
Once inside, about halfway across the lobby, Sam suddenly grabbed my arm.
When I looked over at her, alarmed, she gasped, "Do you hear that?"
I strained my ears at the complete silence.
"No."
She turned to me with a broad smile.
"Exactly!" she exclaimed...
...and smiling back, appreciative of the rare peace and quiet, I followed her to the elevator.
After a short ride, its doors opened...
...on the Tenth Floor...
...and Sam led me out into the hall.
"Uh, what are we doing up here?" I asked. "Did you push the wrong but-"
"Shh!" she answered, holding up her hand, lowering her head, and straining her ears again.
I listened too...
...as hard as I could...
...but there was no sound of voices...
...and no hum of music...
...and no drone of TV sets.
Everyone on the Tenth Floor had gone to bed.
I love two a.m. on Sunday mornings!
Seconds later, Sam turned to me, wearing a very serious expression.
"We're taking absolutely no chances this time," she announced...
...and, realizing that meant she wanted to say goodbye to me...in a Freddie-free zone...I took a step forward...
...feeling my heart give a lurch as she wrapped her arms around my lower back. My arms snaked around her neck in response...
...and then, as her lips found mine...
...and she pulled me even closer to her...
...I felt nothing else.
Since we were completely alone, we took our time saying goodbye...
...and, after less than five minutes of being kissed by Sam, I found myself trembling...
...but not from any chill in the air.
It was shortly after she had opened her mouth...
...and I had followed suit...
...that I soon...and suddenly...realized that I could feel how hard my heart was beating...
...not in my chest...
...but in a very specific place down in the lower half of my body...
...but I had only contemplated that mystery for a few seconds...
...when, as she continued to explore my mouth with her own, I felt an incredibly sharp contraction between my legs.
Gasping at its intensity, I grabbed onto Sam tightly, to steady myself...
...and then, after a long moment's hesitation...
...I tilted my head back...
...and her lips found my neck...
...and suddenly, all I could think about was how she'd touched me in the car.
It had been so innocent...
...and, since I had been so tired out then, not to mention too scared to be intimate with her in front of Mrs. C. and Wendy, I had accepted it as such...
...but now the memory of it was making me feel...
...different...
...and all I could think about was how badly I wanted her to touch me again...
...in the same way.
And so, with her lips still softly caressing my neck...
...my hands slid from her shoulders...
...down to the front of my jeans...
...which I opened with trembling hands.
And then, I reached around my body...
...to where her hands rested, on my lower back...
...and, taking hold of her wrists...
...I moved her hands inside the back of my jeans.
And, as they slid downward...
...gliding effortlessly over my silk-covered backside...
...the sensation caused me to have a second, sharp contraction...
...and suddenly, I was scared...
...because, even though I knew that I still wasn't ready to go all the way with Sam yet...
...what I was experiencing between my legs felt so incredible...
...that all I could think about is how badly I wanted to feel it again...
...right now...
...and, with a gasp, I pressed my now-gently-throbbing pelvis forward, until it was resting against hers.
"No, Cupcake...not here," she murmured, as her lips left my neck.
"Please? Just for a little while?"
She hesitated for a long moment.
"I...can't."
"But, it feels so nice...please, just...a little?" I repeated...
...but she shook her head...
...and, suppressing the sudden urge to cry, both from her refusal to continue...
...and from my confusion as to how I felt about what I wanted...
...I threw my arms around her neck and held onto her as tightly as I could.
"Carls? What's wrong?"
I shook my head.
"Carls?"
"S-sam...I...w-want..." I began...
...but then stopped abruptly...
...because I had no idea how to put my feelings into words.
Nearly a minute passed, and then she asked, tentatively, "Can you tell me about it?"
I hesitated.
How could I possibly explain how I felt right then? How I still wasn't ready for it...
...but how incredible she was making me feel...
...and how badly I wanted her to keep making me have contractions...
...not here, in the hallway...
...but downstairs, in my bed, with her hands on my backside...
...after I had let her undress me...but only down to my panties...
...and to keep feeling the way her hands moved over their slippery surface...
...and to keep feeling what I was feeling between my legs...
...wanting so badly for her to touch me that way...
...but not to go any further...
...but to keep doing it, until she had helped me have an or-...oh, my God! No! I don't want that!
But...I do!
I don't know what I want!
Only that I want to cry.
How can I feel both ways at once?
And, even worse, have no idea what to do about it?
And, scared, bewildered, and overwhelmed at the conflict, I lowered my face to her shoulder.
"Can you tell me about it?" she asked again...
...and I shook my head.
"Come on," she urged gently, 'I know something's upsetting you."
I didn't respond
"I know something is," she continued. "Come on, Cupcake, we've had such a great evening together...let's not end it this way...so whatever it is, please tell me...please?"
And, after hearing the plaintive way in which she'd asked me...
...I knew I had to try.
I took a deep breath.
"S-sam, I wish that you didn't have to go hom-no! I didn't mean to wish!" I corrected myself, "What I m-mean is that I'm kind of...bummed that you can't stay."
With her hands still inside my jeans, she pulled back and looked into my eyes.
"Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow...or later today...or whatever you want to call it," she replied with a smile. "As soon as the party breaks up...in whatever way...I'll hurry right back...okay?"
Not looking at her, I nodded.
"Probably around noon...or one o'clock," she continued...
...and then hesitated.
"Is that what has you upset?" she asked. "Do you really think that I won't come bac-"
"No," I murmured, lowering my eyes. "It's not that."
There was an incredibly long stretch of silence...
...and finally, I looked up...
...to see her looking back at me kindly...
...waiting.
...while I struggled...and failed...to put my conflicted feelings into words...
...but finally managed to utter, "I w-want us to...but not, you know...just like you did, but and I...and it..."
Somehow, she managed to translate the above mess into English.
"You'd like me to hold you again? Just the two of us this time?" she asked...
...and I nodded.
"And...are you saying that...you want me to rub your...uh...lower back...the way I did in the car?"
"Yes," I admitted, "b-but this time, without m-my..."
Short stretch of silence.
"Without...your jeans on?" she guessed...
...accurately...
...and feeling both relieved and embarrassed, I replied, "Yes."
She hesitated for nearly a minute, before continuing, unsure, "And...without your shirt and bra on?"
I nodded.
"Are you saying that..." she hesitated again before continuing, "...that you'd like me to...undress you?"
"Y-yes. But...not...I oh, Sam, I d-don't w-wan-"
"It's fine," she answered quickly, "I know that you don't, so I won't even try to take your underpants off...I promise...okay?"
"I...it's just...oh, Sam, I-"
"Shh. I know, Cupcake. I know."
"You know...what?" I asked, unsure of what she meant.
"I know you still aren't ready to...you know...go all the way...but-"
"But you are!" I reminded her...
...sadly understanding how incredibly difficult my insistence that we wait must be for her.
"That doesn't matter," she mumbled...
...not meeting my gaze.
"It does matter!" I shot back. "Sam, I want so badly to make you happy, too!"
"Shh," she replied. "You will...you did make me happy tonight...and I know that someday you will...that other way-"
"I will, Sam! I promise that we will! It's just that-"
"I know," she answered, leaning forward and, with her hands still inside my jeans, beginning to rock me from side to side. "I know that you're not ready yet; but, I can kind of, um...are you trying to tell that you're...maybe thinking of us being a little...uh, closer?"
"Yes!" I blurted out, lowering my head onto her shoulder. "I w-want us to b-be!"
"Okay, then, we will," she answered in a low, reassuring voice. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
Suddenly too shy to answer with words, I nodded.
"Okay, we will," she repeated. "Now, I want you to tell me what's upsetting you so much. Are you scared that if we do, uh, get a...little closer...that I won't...stop when you tell me to?"
"No...it's n-not that!" I exclaimed truthfully.
"Well, what then?" she asked...
...pulling back to look at me...
...and, overwhelmed with fear and confusion at my conflicted feelings, I buried my face in her shoulder again...
...and started to cry.
"I see...I see now...and it's okay," she murmured, removing her right hand from inside my jeans, sliding it up under my shirt, and beginning to rub my lower back in slow, gentle circles. "I know that you're thinking that you might want to...to do something...and what you're feeling about it is making you a little...afraid, but don't worry. I promise that, no matter what happens...or what doesn't happen...that it's going to be your decision entirely...so there's nothing for you to be afr-"
"But what if we w-were...and I what if I wanted to...to...you know?" I sobbed...
...and, understanding exactly what I was referring to, she answered, "Well, I'd...I'd help you...have one...if you wanted me to."
"But, what if I...I did, but then...I was too scared to...what if I ...didn't help you have one?"
"Carls, let's not worry about any of this...or try to over-analyz-"
"I...us...tomorrow...so afraid-" I began.
"Shh," she interrupted, "don't worry...and don't be afraid. Nothing is going to happen tomorrow...nothing at all...not unless you want it to," she promised.
"But I-I do want it to...but I don't...but I wanted to wait! Oh, Sam! I...I f-feel-"
"I know...I know you do...and it's okay," she whispered, wrapping both of her arms around my waist and continuing to rock me...
...as I shook my head in disagreement...
...and began to cry again.
"Cupcake," she said...
...sounding very concerned...
...and pulling me even closer to her as she continued, "I think I know what you need right now." She hesitated. "Now, I want you to listen to me very carefully."
After a moment, I nodded...
...managing, with effort, to get my tears under control somewhat...
...as she continued, "Before you go to sleep tonight, I want you to...you know...to touch yourself. You'll feel so much better after you've had an or-"
"N-no! Not without you...it wouldn't be fair! I want you to be the one to-"
"Shh. No, Cupcake. Not this time."
"Sam! I w-want to wait for-"
"Shh..." she whispered...
...as she slipped her hands back inside my jeans...
...all the way down...
...causing me to gasp...
...as she whispered, "Listen, we both know how badly you need to. And it's okay...and I want you to."
"N-no...I-" I began...
...but she cut me off, replying softly, "Yes. You need to. And I'm going to help you...get ready to."
"Sam, no! I-"
"Yes, Carls," she insisted quietly...
...as her hands began to caress me through my panties again...
...but this time, very slowly and sensually; and, as they did, I began trembling...
...badly...
...as she added, in a very low...but very firm voice, "When you get home, I want you to think about this...about how good it feels...and then, I want you to touch yourself...okay?"
I didn't answer.
I couldn't.
Because now, the way she was moving her hands was making my vagina contract again...
...repeatedly...
...and sharply...
...and, suddenly, I was so scared...
...scared of what she was making me feel at that moment...
...scared that I wanted so badly to grab both of her hands...
...and pull her down the stairs with me...
...down to the 8th floor...
...and into my bedroom...
...and, once I had, to pull her body down on top of mine...
...and have her hold me down with one hand...
...while she pulled my clothes off with her other one...
...and for her to then slide her hand down inside my panties...
...the front of my panties...
...and then to...to...
...but I didn't want to!
Oh, God, why was this happening? Why now? I wanted to wait...
...I was so sure I could wait...
...and now I couldn't.
But...why? We'd just spent a G-rated evening at the circus...
...and, when she'd caressed me earlier, it had been in the most loving and innocent way...
...but now, my vagina was convulsing violently...
...and I could feel my panties getting wet...
...as I pressed my crotch forward against hers...
...wondering, as I did, if she could feel my contractions through her pants.
And now shaking with fear...
...from everything that was happening...
...I leaned my upper body forward against her, to steady myself...
...and I felt her back make contact with the wall, as she whispered, in a loving, gentle way, "That's it...we'll start off like this, and then when you get downstairs, it'll be easy for you to...finish...and as soon as you have, you'll feel so much better."
"I want you to..but I d-don't oh, Sam...help me!" I begged. "Tell me what to do...because I'm so scared!"
"Shh. All right, Cupcake...I'll help you. Here's what I want you to do. Close your eyes..."
I nodded.
"...now...just focus on how you fee-that's it," she whispered...
...as my lower body lurched forward violently against her own...
...then lifting my eyes to hers...
...and wanting to cry from all the love and kindness that I saw there...
...and even more, at their complete absence of selfishness or lust...
…and at that moment, I knew that she wasn't even thinking of her own pleasure...
...not in the least...
...but only about how badly she wanted me to stop hurting.
"That's it, don't be afraid, " she whispered, her hands still sliding seductively across and down my rear, "only a little while longer, and then we're going to stop; and then I'm going to take you downstairs...and I'm going to go home.."
"No!"
"...and you'll go into your bedroom."
"N-no!"
"Yes...by yourself."
"No! Sam...I...I want y-you there w-with m-"
"Shh. I know you do-"
"Then please don't leave me!" I begged.
"I...have to."
"But I w-want y-you to h-help m-"
"No you don't," she argued. "We both know that you're not ready for...for that-"
"But...I...I..."
"Yes," she insisted quietly. "You're going to. As soon as I take you downstairs, you're going to go into your bedroom, by yourself...
"...and you're going to lock the door...
"...and then you're going to lie down on the bed...and close your eyes...and then you're going to unzip your jeans and pull them down."
"S-sam, no! I want y-you to be the one who-"
"Shh..." she interrupted, "and you're going to pretend that I'm the one who's undressing you. And then, after your jeans are off, you're going to lie back, and you're going to bend your knees...
"...and put your feet flat on the mattress...
"…and then you're going to reach down, with both hands...
"...and slide both of your palms up the insides of your thighs...
"...until your fingers are touching the outside of your underpants. And when you feel how wet they are..."
She paused...
...and then continued, "...you're going to realize how badly your whole body aches...has ached...for such a long time; and you're going to understand how badly need to release all of this pent-up stress...right away."
I shook my head in protest.
She ignored me.
"And then, after you feel how wet they are, you're going to slide one hand down inside them...
"...far down between your legs...
"...and then you're going to...touch yourself...on the inside, up near the front...and as you do, you're going to let your mind wander off...into the most amazing places...
"...and then, just a few short minutes later, you're going to feel your whole body demanding release...
"...and, unable to resist any longer, you're going to let it take over...
"...completely...
"...and as soon as you do, you're going to have the most amazing orgasm...
"...all by yourself.
At that, I shook my head again...
...violently...
...as I continued to valiantly resist my body's urges...
...even though it now was demanding that I listen to her...
...and that I do what she wanted me to.
"Yes," she insisted. "You will. And right after you have, you're going to feel so much better. And then, you'll fall asleep...and you're going to sleep so soundly...for hours. And by the time you wake up, it'll be early afternoon, and I'll be there with you...
"...and then, we can just hold each other...and we'll both have our clothes on...and you won't have to feel conflicted or scared anymore...not at all...and nothing else will happen...
"...and we'll both be perfectly okay with that...
"...and then, someday, when you really are ready, I want you to tell me; and we'll talk about it firs-"
"N-no!" I argued...
...even though my body...and my resolve...were weakening rapidly.
"Cupcake, promise me," she insisted...
...and, doing my best to ignore what her hands were making me feel, everywhere...
...especially between my legs, I answered, "I...want to wait for you!"
No, Carls. Tonight. By yourself."
"Sam, no! Let me be with y-"
"You're not ready for that yet. We both know it."
"I'm w-waiting," I announced stubbornly...
...but she shook her head...
...as she began sensuously squeezing and releasing both of my butt cheeks...
...while pulling my lower body even closer to her own...
...and I felt my already-weak determination slipping away rapidly, as she added, "You're not going to wait. Because, no matter how badly you want to...and no matter how hard you try to...you're not going to be able to wait. Now, close your eyes," she directed...
...and I complied...
...while almost sobbing...
...because I understood what her words meant...
...and I knew exactly what she was going to do next...
...but I put up no struggle as she removed her hands from the back of my jeans, and placed them on my hips...
...and gently moved my body away from her own...
...and then slid her right hand around to the front of me...
...and down inside my jeans...
...far down inside.
And then, even though I was terrified...
...I obediently opened my legs for her...
...as far as I could...
...crying out softly against her shoulder, as her index finger began to trace gently up and down the soaking wet crotch of my panties.
"That's it, hang onto me," she murmured reassuringly.
"Oh, Sam...I don't want t-to...h-have one! Not without y-"
"Shh. You need to, so I want you to listen to me. I know that you want to wait, but no matter how hard you try to hold it back...and I know you're going to try...you're not going to be able to. You're already so wet...and so close to being ready...and I'm going to take you downstairs."
And, even though I was more afraid than I'd ever been in my life...
...and, because of that, wanted her to stop...
...I didn't want her to stop...
...and, as my entire body trembled in anticipation...
...I also knew that I still wanted to wait for her.
But I also didn't want to wait.
All I could think about was how incredible she was making me feel...
...right here and right now...
...and how badly I wanted it to continue...
...and, realizing this, I tightened my arms around her, both sobbing and moaning softly next to her ear...
...from feelings that were equally physical and emotional.
"That's it...you're almost ready," she whispered.
"Please...h-help me!" I begged...
...even though I was completely unsure of exactly what kind of help I meant...
...but suddenly reaching down with my right hand and pressing my palm against the outside of the crotch of my jeans...
...pushing her hand up against me tightly...
...and beginning to tilt my pelvis forward against it...rapidly, while gasping repeatedly...
...because suddenly, it was becoming very hard to breathe.
"That's it," she whispered, "you're ready now...ready to help yourself do what you need to...I can feel it...and I know that you can too-"
"S-sam please stay w-wtih me ton-night!" I begged...
...slowing my hips to a halt.
"I can't," she replied, as her finger continued to move against me. "For more than one reason. We both know that."
"Please! I promise that if you do I won't ask you to...to...do anything to-w-with me!"
"That's...not an issue," she murmured.
"I promise I won't ask!" I insisted. "I just w-want you to hold me!"
"No, Carls. You need to...to have one...right away, to release all of this-"
"Then, if you want me to, I will...I promise!" I assured her. "If you really want me to, then I'll have one...all by myself...if you'll just hold me while I do!"
With a sad smile, she pulled me closer, wrapping her left arm around my lower back...
...as her right index finger continued to move.
"I love you, "Cupcake...I love you so much...and I want you to remember that, while you're...you're..."
She couldn't continue...
...and I pulled back and looked into her eyes...
...for a split second, before she averted them...
...but still, it was long enough for me to see easily how difficult all of this was for her...
...knowing that she was about to walk away from me. And how badly she wanted to stay...
...and how we both knew that, if I did, she'd hold me in her arms...
...lovingly and completely unselfishly...
...not even thinking about how her own needs...
...while I...finished...
...by myself.
And I loved her for it...
...so much that, suddenly realizing how badly I wanted her suffering to end, too...
...I pushed her body back against the wall...
...and began fumbling with the front of her baggy cargo shorts...
...but, due to fear, my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't get them open...
...and so I plunged my right one down inside.
"Carls, no!" she exclaimed, removing her hand from inside my jeans and grabbing both of my upper arms.
"Shh...just a little bit; because, when you get home, I want you to be able to have one too!"
"No!" she repeated...
...pressing her thighs together tightly...
...but, well aware that she needed release just as badly as I did, I forced my knee between them...
….and slid my hand lower as I wrapped my free arm around her waist tightly and replied, "We both know that you need to...and I want you to...as soon as you get home."
"When I get home, I have to...work," she reminded me...
...gasping...
...as I managed to wrap my fingers around the crotch of her boxers.
She was damp.
"Shh...come on, Sam. I want you to do this-"
"No...I'll be frustrated, standing at the door...and not able to f-finish!" she insisted...
...while pulling my hand out of her pants...
...as I blurted out, "I'm so sorry!"
"Sorry? For...what?"
"F-for making you wait so long!" I answered...
...near tears again.
"Ssh."
"No...I won't! Oh, S-sam, I know you need to...to have one, too...so badly!"
"Shh. I did have one...inside you...just a few days ago."
"Did you enjoy it? I demanded...
...and, in response, she stared at the floor.
"How did you feel afterward...did you enjoy it then?" I repeated.
She shrugged...
...and then slowly shook her head...
...confirming what I already knew anyway.
"I...I don't even think about it now..." she admitted. "I don't want to remember what happened...not any of-"
"Neither do I, Sam, because none of that counts! None of it was done out of love...only out of desperation...and by force! And now, somehow, we've both been given the gift of our virginity again, and...and..."
I stopped.
How could I explain the rest? How could I make her understand that I did want to be with her...
...someday...
...but that I wanted our intimacy to unfold slowly...
...and gradually...
...and to experience all of the romance that led up to it...
...and that's why I was waiting.
I wanted to tell her all of that...
...but, no matter how I ran the words through my mind, they sounded so incredibly selfish.
And now, that selfishness was hurting her. I knew how badly she wanted to be with me...
...and how incredibly unselfish she was being by insisting that I have an orgasm without her there...
...and it made me feel even worse.
How could I put all of that into words?
I couldn't...
...and was snapped out of my internal dialogue as she said, "Listen-"
"No, you listen!" I interjected. "I promise that we're going to-"
"Yes, I know," she answered quietly. "I know we will...when you're ready...and now I want you to promise me something else."
Although unsure of what she was going to ask of me, I nodded...
...and, without hesitation or warning, she wrapped her left arm around my waist, pulling me closer...
...as she slipped her right hand back down the front of my jeans...
...and extended her index finger...
...and began moving it, non-stop, against the outside of my panties again...
...and I looked deeply into her sad, selfless eyes.
"Promise me, Cupcake...as soon as you get home."
I hesitated...
...realizing that my refusal to comply would only end up hurting her even worse...
...but also realizing that I still wanted her there with me. And, as I struggled internally with this agonizing dilemma, I gasped loudly...
...as she pressed her index finger firmly against me...
...until it slipped easily, along with my panties, into the wetness of my vulva...
..and then, still looking deeply into my eyes, she began moving it again...
...against the left side of my now-highly-sensitive clitoris...
...as she repeated, "Promise me."
And then, terrified at the way her hand was making me feel again...
...and at the brutal intensity of my urges...
...with my arms wrapped tightly around her neck, and the sight of her face blurred by my tears...
...even though I absolutely did not want to...
...I promised.
Less than a minute later, she was zipping up my jeans...
...and then leading me quickly toward the elevator...
...and I knew that her haste was due to not wanting my arousal to subside before I could get downstairs...
...and into my bedroom.
Two floors down, as I got out of the elevator, she stood in its entrance...
...with one foot inside and one outside...to prevent it from closing...
...while she leaned back against its partially-retracted sliding door...
...and I knew that, not wanting to endure another 'Freddie Incident', she wasn't going to accompany me down the hall...
...and I turned and kissed her.
"I love you so m-much, please h-hurry back!" I urged...
...in an embarrassingly-needy voice.
"I will," she answered. "Now go on and...do what you promised. I'll wait here to make sure you get inside...okay?"
With a stabbing pain of longing in my chest, I nodded; and leaned forward, kissing her one last time...
...and then I turned away and headed up the hall...
...alone...
...wishing with all my heart that tomorrow was here already...
...because I so desperately needed to be in her arms again.
As I reached my front door, I hesitated, looking in her direction...
...to see her still standing there...
...wearing a heart-breakingly-brave smile...
...even though her eyes told another story altogether...
...one that included her lying on my bed with me, holding me in her arms...
...whispering how much she loved me, as I...
...as...I...finished what I'd just promised her I'd do.
My imagined version of that story came to an abrupt halt as I realized that she was gesturing toward my door, with both hands...
...repeatedly...
...and, with a sad smile, I nodded; unlocking it and stepping inside...
...looking at her over my shoulder as I did...until the doorjamb blocked my view.
And then, with a quiet, drawn-out sigh, I closed the door behind me silently, and rested my forehead against it...
...realizing that I couldn't go through with it...even though I'd promised her...
….even though I was absolutely aching to...
...not after how seeing how she had completely denied her own happiness for mine.
I know that you may be thinking that 'it's only whacking off', and that it's no big deal...
...especially since I'd had an orgasm with Sam, earlier in the week...
...but it was a big deal to me.
That time didn't count...wasn't meant to count...because, if it did, than I wouldn't have been given my virginity back; and I know that, as a reward for my unselfishness a few days ago, I was being given another chance...
...a chance to experience my first time...the right way.
And I knew it signified that we were meant to start our intimacy all over again...
…from the beginning.
Three years ago, I finally was able to admit to myself that my feelings for Sam are much, much deeper than just friendship; and that she was...and is...my one and only love. And, ever since then, I haven't touched myself...not once...even though the thought has crossed my mind...
...on numerous occasions...
...because I decided that I was going to save it for her. I want her to have that privilege; because, for years, I've been the center of Sam's universe...
...because she deliberately put me...and held me...there...
...always looking out for me, protecting me, and loving me; and so, I want her to be the only one who will ever bring me to orgasm. She deserves that.
I took a deep breath...
...and as I did, I knew that I had (finally) found the right answer to all of this.
I decided that I was going to wait...
…but only until tomorrow.
And, when she came over and we were lying on my bed together, with all of our clothes on, I'd kiss her...
...slowly and lovingly...
...for the rest of the afternoon...
...and then, when I saw how unselfish she was being, by not pushing me to do anything else whatsoever, it would make me feel secure and at ease...
...so at ease that I wouldn't be afraid to let her undress me...almost completely...
...and to let her hold me in her arms, nearly naked...
...and it would feel so good that I wouldn't be afraid to let her caress my backside again...
...and I'd feel so safe in her arms that I'd find a way to ignore how scared the passions she aroused in me were making me feel...
...and then, I'd find the resolve to take hold of her right hand...
...and slowly guide it down inside the front of my panties...
...and I'd force myself to focus only on how wonderful it felt to let her touch me...
...and on how much she loved me...
...and then, somehow, I'd find the courage to look up into her eyes...
...and nod.
And then, I'd wrap my arms around her neck...
...and hold onto her so tightly...
...and let her make me have an orgasm.
And afterward, I'd feel so incredibly safe and loved that I'd somehow manage to overcome my fears...
...and then, I wouldn't be afraid to undress her...
...and help her have one too.
And we wouldn't do anything else...
...we'd save all of the rest, all other forms of intimacy, for another time...
...sometime far in the future.
And all of my internal conflict would end.
We'd be together...
...and I'd still be able to wait...
...and, knowing that I'd finally made the right decision...
...I swore all of this to myself...
...realizing as I did that it did nothing to make the non-stop, persistent ache between my legs subside...
...but also realizing that I didn't want it to.
I wanted to feel it, from now until Sam was with me again...
...wanted to be so tortured by it, and for it to hurt so painfully...
...that tomorrow, when her hand was inside my panties...
...and she had extended her index finger...
...I wouldn't have the resolve left to tell her to stop...
...no matter how terrified I felt.
Once I had made my mind up about everything, and had committed to seeing it through...
...all of it...
...I felt a bit better, and then I decided to go upstairs and get undressed and into bed,
...leaving my soaking wet panties on...
...because I wanted to feel them against me...
...wanted to feel what she had done to me...
...for the rest of the night.
And, removing my forehead from the door, I stood up straight, rubbing my stiff, aching neck...
...and turned around to head upstairs...
...but before I had taken two steps...
...I tripped.
After somehow managing to catch my balance, I looked down at my feet, wanting to know what had almost landed me flat on my face...
...and saw a highly-polished, black tassel loafer...
...with its mate lying nearby.
Picking them both up, I walked another three feet...
...and then leaned over and picked up a double-breasted, charcoal gray jacket, with a blue and white handkerchief dangling limply out of its pocket. Two feet later, I reached down and grabbed a navy silk necktie...
...which was lying near a black, calfskin belt...
...realizing (with a smile) as I did, that the trail of discarded clothes was leading me straight toward the high-backed living room chair...
...and that I'd find Spencer in it...
...but what I wasn't expecting was to find him sitting, hunched over...
...hair disheveled and shirttail hanging out...
...with his elbows on his knees, and his face in his hands...