I sat, silently and patiently...
...prepared to wait as long as necessary...
...because it was her turn now...
...and, less than a minute later, I heard her uncovering the receiver.
"C-carls, do you m-mean that?" she asked, her voice still shaking and tearful.
"Yes," I assured her. "I do."
"Well then," she replied, almost immediately, "I also w-wish that I could-"
"No, Sam...wait!" I gasped. "Before you say it, make sure that's it's absolutely unselfish!"
"It is unselfish!" she exclaimed, then added, without hesitation, "Carly, I wish, 100% for your sake only, that I could see you!"
She paused a moment and then asked, tentatively, "But...you don't think that our wishes are going to...to cancel each other...do you?"
"Of course not!" I said, with complete conviction. "Look, we're both wishing for same thing...completely unselfishly. And besides, I promise you that this is going to happen...and soon."
"How do you know?" she asked...
...sounding far from convinced.
"Because," I answered, "I'm going to make sure that it does!"
But how?" she persisted. "Whenever I've made a suggestion on what we could do to see each other, you've always rejected it...every single time. I've wracked my brains on this, trying everything I can think of to-"
"Well then," I interrupted, "your first order of business is to stop thinking about it, completely, and to let me figure it out."
"But-" she began.
"No, Sam. Promise me."
"Okay...I...I promise," she said slowly.
"All right," I continued, in my most business-like manner, "Now, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Like I said, empty out your backpack, and then head straight over to my place for dinner. I'm not sure if Spencer had the gas turned off, so you might not be able to actually cook anything while you're there, but in the freezer there's a small Pyrex dish of lasagna, which you can heat in the microwave. There's also some chicken parts in there, and three or four rib eye steaks; and in the cabinets there's a couple boxes of cereal...and some pancake mix, cookies, dried pasta, jam, crackers, and a few other things. Anyway, I want you to have it...all of it. After you eat, I want you to sleep in my bed, for as long as you can; then you can take a hot shower; and there's some of your clean clothes in my dresser. You can stay there all night if you want to; just remember to lock the door behind you when you leave."
"Carls, th-thanks! I...I don't know what to say," she answered falteringly...
...to which I replied, "Don't say anything, okay? Just listen. I love you. You've already suffered...so much, because of everything that's happened; and so I owe you this...and a lot more as well!"
There was a long, awkward silence, and then she said, "So, you didn't finish telling me about-"
"No, Sam," I interrupted, "whatever you were going to ask me about can wait. Right now it's time for you to go eat and rest...and to let me figure all of this out."
A few minutes later, we hung up...
...and almost immediately, I slouched in my chair...
...despairing.
What did I just promise her?
Not that I didn't want to, because I most definitely did...
...but how was I ever going to manage it?
How could we see each other, without it ending in disaster?
And without me utterly destroying the next five years of my life?
Absolutely no ideas presented themselves, and after ten minutes of frantic yet failed brainstorming, now completely defeated, I lowered my chin onto my chest...
...and then lowered my eyes...
...staring down at the desktop...
...losing myself in the subdued, closely-lined grain of it's highly-polished cherry wood surface.
She was right.
There seemed to be no way to do this.
Could I take her to a hotel?
No. Too risky.
Maybe to a restaurant?
No. Definitely too risky!
In addition, I had no friends in Yakima whatsoever; so there was no one here who'd let me bring her to their house.
Nearly half an hour later, having exhausted every conceivable possibility, I was ready to give up...
...so, rubbing the back of my now-stiff neck, I raised my head and lifted my eyes...
...staring dejectedly at the wall, just above my desk.
What was I going to do? I had promised her this...and she was so deserving...and I had to deliver...and soon...but how was I ever going to-oh, my God!
At that moment, my racing mind screeched to a halt...
...and my jaw dropped...
...as I realized that, according to the calender that was hanging right in front of me, my problem was solved! Because, less than two weeks from now, it would be July the Seventh...
...and it was on a Saturday!
Yes!
Why hadn't I thought of this before? I wondered, elated...
...but before I could jump out of my chair and run a victory lap around my room, I reached forward and grasped onto the front edge of the desk with both hands...
...steadying myself.
No.
Not so fast.
I had to put more thought into my plan...a lot more...
because screwing this up was not an option!
And so, I sat there...
...losing all track of time...
...intently and repeatedly reviewing the situation in minute detail...
...from every conceivable angle...
...like a master watchmaker, hunched over his workbench...
...dismantling and reassembling the tiny gears of his creation, over and over and over again...
...but discovering that, no matter what configuration I put them together in...
...all of the parts still moved perfectly.
Finally, completey exhausted, I sank back in my chair.
Perfect.
It was absolutely perfect.
And I couldn't wait to tell Sam.
Satisfied and jubilant, I got up and stretched...
...and then I glanced at my watch.
It had been just over an hour and a half since I started, which meant that Sam would be asleep right now...
...but, as excited as I was to share my plan, I had no intention of waking her.
She needed to rest.
And besides, I needed more time alone anyway.
There was a lot more thinking to do on this...
...because I still needed to work out the details.
However, first thing the next morning, I was on the phone with her...
...laying out my strategy...
...while listening to the excitement in her voice; which made me far happier than I'd been in weeks.
And then, four days later, we were on the phone again...
...eagerly finalizing our plans.
"Sam, did you get the money order I sent you?"
"Yes," she confirmed, "I just cashed it about two hours ago; and then I went straight to the bus station and bought a round-trip ticket." She hesitated for a moment, before continuing, "But Carls, why did you send me $140? The bus ticket was only $50."
I smiled indulgently.
"Because, Sweetheart, the rest is for lunch."
"What?" she squealed...
...in a most un-Sam-like way. "Ninety bucks? You mean that?"
"Of course I mean it," I confirmed. "Look, since it would be too risky for me to be seen buying all that food, would you mind doing the shopping for us, alone, at Arthur's Deli, over on East Chestnut Street?"
"Of course not," she answered eagerly. "Not a problem. What should I get?"
I thought the matter over for a minute.
"Well, how about two prosciutto and Genoa salami subs...and a large potato salad...and a two liter bottle of Bold Peak Lemon Iced Tea? As for dessert, well, I'll leave that up to you, because they bake different items every morning...but anything chocolate is good. Also, I want you to promise me that, while you're there, you'll spend the rest of the money...all of it...buying anything else you want...anything!"
"Okay, I promise...and I'm so looking forward to this!" she exclaimed.
"Yes," I agreed, "I know how much you love prosciutto."
"No, Carls, you know as well as I do that I wasn't talking about the food!"
"Oh, Sam, you have no idea how much I'm also looking for-but-" I hesitated, "but...are you sure you're okay with this? After all, it's a...a very unusual place for a picnic."
She spent the next ten minutes assuring me that she was.
July 6th:
Late Friday afternoon, we were back on the phone...
...going over our plan, in minute detail, one last time.
"So...everything still looks good?" she asked...
...for what must have been the thirty-seventh time.
"Yes," I confirmed, "I managed to sneak out again yesterday and double-check the area. You're at the Seattle Library right now?"
"I am."
"Did you look up Yakima on Gaggle Maps?" I asked.
"Yep. I'm looking at it on the library's computer right now...and I've already located Arthur's Deli."
"Good," I replied, "from there, scroll over to East Nob Hill Boulevard...until you see Chesterton Park; and then, all the way over to its Eastern side, which is the front entrance. When you find it, zoom in, as close as you can."
There was a short stretch of silence, and then she answered, "Done."
"Okay," I continued, "do you see the biggest tree, the one that's just to the left-hand side of the path, up by the park's front gate?"
"Uh...yes."
"All right, that's going to be your lookout position," I instructed. "It's definitely big enough for you to hide behind...and it's directly across the street from where I'll be standing."
"Check," she replied.
I took a moment to look back down at my written itinerary, and then added, "Your bus will be in by 8:53 a.m., and the deli will be open by then; so go straight there and grab lunch, and then head down to the park's west gate. Go through it, walk across the park to the other side, and, when you get to the front gate, hide behind that tree. I estimate you'll be in position by 9:30, so I'll arrive about fifteen minutes earlier, but even if you see me, I want you to stay behind the tree."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because, I need to reconnoiter the entire area," I explained. Then, when I'm sure it's all clear, I'll move into my position; and then, well...I'll ask you to give me a few minutes alone, you know, to-"
"It's okay, Cupcake," she put in quickly. "I understand...so take as much time as you need."
"Thanks. When I've finished, I'll give you the signal."
"Okay, and...oh, have you decided what the signal is going to be?" she asked.
"Well, do you remember that blue plaid baseball cap?" I asked. "The one Spencer gave me last Christmas?"
"Yes," she assured me.
"Well, when you see me put it on, brim facing forward, that means I've finished...what I needed to do. And then, I'll take one last fast look around from my vantage point, and, when I'm absolutely sure I'm alone, I'll turn the cap around, with the brim facing backwards, and that's your signal that it's safe for you to come across the street...any questions?"
"Uh, yeah, what if, after I get across the street, we're seen?" she asked.
"Don't worry about that, Sweetheart," I answered quickly, "I've already done my homework in that department, so there's going to be absolutely no chance of it!"
"Okay then," she replied, sounding obviously relieved, "I'm gonna go to sleep early tonight; so I guess I'll head home now."
"Sam, before you do, there's...there's one more thing."
"Sure, what?" she said agreeably.
I hesitated...
...but less than ten seconds later I continued, "Tomorrow, when you get here, I...I want to be with you."
Without even pausing to think it over, she said, "Shh, Carls, let's not worry about th-"
"No...I do!" I insisted.
"Listen," she replied, "I promise you that you and I will talk about it...and soon...just not tomor-"
"Sam, no!"
"Yes," she insisted. "Look, let's not worry about any of that, okay? Let's just spend tomorrow enjoying each others company; and then, some other time, we can-"
"B-but, I know that I want-"
"No, Carls," she objected, "not until we've talked about it."
"Then let's just t-talk about it now," I suggested...
...my voice fully betraying my anxiety.
"No."
"Well...tomorrow then," I stated.
"No."
"But...why not?" I persisted.
"You know why not," she replied. "It's because I want you to be absolutely sure. I want you to have thought it ove-"
"I have thought it over!" I exclaimed impatiently. "Over and over! For the past two months!"
"While you were under extreme stress," she pointed out calmly.
"Sam...please!"
"Shh. Look, Carls, why don't we wait until-"
"Please, can we t-talk about it tomorrow...please? Please, Sam?" I begged.
There was a very long pause...
...and then she sighed.
"Yes," she replied...
...although obviously reluctant, "...if you really want to talk about it we can...as long as all we're going be doing about it is talkin-"
I couldn't let her finish.
I couldn't bear to hear the rest.
"Sam!" I interjected, before she'd actually turned me down.
"Yes?" she asked.
"I love you...so much!"
"I love you back, Cupcake, so stop worrying about us...you know...being intimate. I promise you that we will...someday...just like you promised me, okay?"
"But-"
"Okay, Carls?"
Devastated, I didn't answer.
"Come on, have you forgotten how much fun tomorrow is going to be?" she reminded me.
I sighed.
She was right...
...and so, deliberately (though with considerable effort), I turned my attention away from my disappointment...
...and toward the morning.
"I...I can't wait," I admitted.
"Neither can I," she agreed,"...so go to bed soon, and don't worry. I'll see you then."
After reminding her one more time how much I love her, I hung up the phone.
Right after dinner I took a long hot shower, but still was way too excited to sleep...
...and too worried...
...because, even though my elaborately-structured strategy was airtight, and had been planned with military precision...
...I still was determined to keep my eyes open for any potential problems, so I could diffuse them immediately.
Finally (and fortunately), exhaustion got the better of me and I fell into a sort of quasi sleep...
...but I was awake early, almost an hour before the alarm rang...
...and my heart lurched with joyful anticipation...
...when I opened my eyes to see the room flooded with sunlight.
A rare, perfect day, weather-wise!
Although eager to leave the house, I took my time getting ready...
...knowing that there was no rush, since I was way too nervous to even think of having breakfast anyway.
Finally, after one last glance in the mirror, I shouldered my heavy, bulging backpack, and opened my bedroom door silently...
...and then tiptoed down the hall...
...heaving a silent sigh of relief as I caught sight of Grandad's bag of golf clubs sitting next to the front door.
First hurdle accomplished.
Even though he plays every Saturday...
...I still was hoping that some illness or other emergency wouldn't arise, which might cause him to cancel.
Hardly daring to breathe, I moved forward silently...
...until, now nearly even with the kitchen, I looked into it...
...to see him sitting, his half-eaten breakfast in front of him, and with his back to me, talking on the phone. And I was elated to see that he...
...was wearing his black polo shirt!
His lucky shirt...
...which meant that he'd lost his bet on last week's game!
Yes! He's definitely going to be on the links today, chasing his $50!
Grandad was so engrossed in whatever he was saying that sneaking out of the house was going to be a cinch, I realized...
...and so, even though I didn't have to leave for another forty minutes...
...I slipped noiselessly past the kitchen archway...
...just as I heard him say, "Of course I still have last week's score sheet; it's on my desk..."
...and, half a second later, he stood up quickly...
...and turned around just as quickly...
...his eyebrows shooting up in surprise as he saw me standing there...
...frozen in shock.
Without a word, his eyes darted from my backpack to my face...
...and then to his watch...
...and then back to my face again.
"It's kind of early to be running errands," he pointed out.
In my confusion, all I could utter was, "W-w-well..."
"I'm heading out soon myself, so wherever you're going, I'll drop you off," he offered.
"But-" I began.
"Besides," he added, "you're not leaving this house without eating breakfast."
I knew better than to argue with him.
Fortunately, I still had time well in hand...
...and so I followed him into the kitchen.
Seven minutes later, I looked up from my half-eaten bowl of cereal...
...to see him staring at me intently.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Not trusting my voice to not betray me, I merely nodded.
"All right, then," he stated, apparently satisfied, "where do you want me to drop you off?"
"On the corner of Wilson Lane and South First streets...please."
Fifteen minutes later, he was pulling up to the curb.
Fifteen seconds later, he was turning to look at me...
...and frowning at what he saw
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again...
...sounding less than certain.
Realizing that my nervousness must be glaringly apparent, I smiled as convincingly as I could, and nodded again...
...and then, before he could question me further, I thanked him for dropping me off, and got out of the car...
...relieved to see him pull away from the curb...
...and ten minutes later, I was walking out of Fischer Florist with a huge, gorgeous bouquet called Summer Splendor.
From the flower shop, it was only a short walk to where I needed to go...
...and about five minutes later, I found myself standing in front of my destination:
Yakima's Mt. Pleasant Cemetery.
Before going inside, I looked nervously in both directions, carefully surveying the empty sidewalk...
...and then, taking a step forward and straining my eyes, I stared through the cemetery's ancient wrought iron entrance gates.
It appeared to be deserted. Since I'd deliberately planned to meet Sam so early I had been expecting this, but still, I was taking Absolutely No Chances...
...but before proceeding, and while trembling slightly, I turned around slowly and looked across the street...
...to Chesterton Park, just past its front gate...
...and over at the tree.
There was no sign of her yet...
...but that was okay. It was still too early.
I checked my watch. Sam's bus would have pulled into the station eighteen minutes ago...
...so she was at the deli right now...
...which meant that it was time for me to reconnoiter the area.
And so, bouquet in hand, I began walking slowly, counter-clockwise, around the cemetery grounds...
...looking up every single row of graves I passed...
...relieved to see that I was completely alone...
...and, approximately nine minutes later, finally stopping at my carefully pre-chosen spot...
...back at the cemetery's North-East corner.
Right in front of a huge mausoleum.
The one with the weathered granite exterior.
The oldest one in the entire cemetery. It was a magnificent example of Baroque architecture...
...lavishly decorated with elaborate carvings...
...and was inscribed with single name, just below its arched pediment:
WARREN.
Taking a step forward, I glanced through the pillars flanking its gated entrance, at its venerable, cracked marble floor...
...but I had no intention of going inside it...
...but instead, behind it.
Because behind it, between its broad back and the cemetery's high brick wall, was a six foot wide patch of grass.
More than enough room for two people to comfortably sit...
...or to lie down together...
...and to not be seen in either direction.
The perfect hiding place.
Walking back there for a final inspection, I shifted my bulging backpack, which was becoming somewhat heavy, to a more comfortable position on my shoulders. As it turns out, Grandad didn't have a picnic blanket, but after a bit of digging in his linen closet I'd found an old, unused twin-sized bedspread; and, since it was a bit musty, I had washed it, using a double dose of softener. Carefully setting my bouquet down on the ground for a moment, I shrugged my backpack off, unzipped it, pulled a corner out of the bedspread from it, and buried my face in it's pink and white rosebud-patterned surface.
it smelled fantastic.
Stuffing it back inside, I re-zipped my backpack...and then I checked the right front pocket of my jeans. In there, along with my neat stack of personal money, was an additional $200, which I'd withdrawn from the bank on the day I'd bought Sam's money order. It would be enough to feed her for the next week at least...
...and I wasn't letting her leave Yakima without it.
And then, leaning with my back against the mausoleum's wide, sun-warmed, rear granite wall, I went over my itinerary in my mind one last time.
The minute I get Sam back here, the First order of business is to feed her...
...until she's ready to explode.
The Second order of business is to give her the money...
...insisting that she take it...
...no matter how much she protests.
And then, the Third order of business...
...is to lean across to her side of the bedspread, and to kiss her...
...slowly and lingeringly...
...while telling her how much I've missed her...
...and reminding her how much I love her...
...and that I always will.
And then, when she's kissing me back, just as willingly...
...to lie back and to gently pull her body down on top of mine.
She'd agreed to talk to me today...
...but I wasn't going to let her...
...because I knew what I wanted now.
The same thing she's wanted...for such a long time.
And so, after halting her words with my lips...
...I'll continue kissing her...
...taking my time, not pushing in any way...
...slowly and with feeling...
...very, very gradually getting her aroused...
...until it becomes clear that she wants more...
...and then I'll take her right hand between both of my own...
...and pull it toward me...
...letting her touch me everywhere...
...and touching her back...
...gently, slowly, and seductively...
...until she isn't able say 'no' anymore...
...and then, still lying there, and completely trusting, I'll let her undress me...
...completely...
...and then, aching to feel her touch again...
...I'm going to look deeply into her eyes...
...and nod...
...and then, no matter what she wants to do to my weak, yearning, unfulfilled body...
...I'm going to let her.
Despite the sun's warmth, I shivered slightly from anticipation, and then, glancing at my watch, I realized that it was time...
...time for me to turn my back on this place and get up to the cemetery's front gate...
...but still, I kept staring down at the sun-flooded patch of grass in front of my feet...
...realizing that, a little more than an hour from now...
...I'm going to be lying on it...
…wearing nothing...
...willingly...lovingly...letting Sam take my virginity.
I checked my watch again. There was no more time to daydream...
...and so, brimming with nervous excitement, I finished my circuit of the grounds...
...staring back up the paths between each row of graves as I passed them...
...relieved to see that every one of them was still empty...
...and that I was still completely alone.
And then, once I'd reached the front entrance and was standing in our agreed-upon position...
...with my heart pounding wildly, I turned around slowly...
...and looked across the street...
...through the front entrance of Chesterton Park...
...and then, over to the massive oak tree that stood so near it.
At first, the park appeared to be just as empty as the cemetery was...
...but then...over at the tree's left edge...
...I caught the barest glimpse of a flash of gray sweatshirt sleeve.
She was there!
And then, as I stood watching...
...breathless...
...a wide wave of curly blonde hair slowly appeared...
...and two seconds later, ever so slowly, she cautiously looked around it...and then stepped out, halfway into view...
...and at that moment, I almost broke down and cried...
...but not from joy...
...because even from across the street, by the way her clothes were hanging on her, I clearly saw how much weight she had lost...
...and it completely broke my heart.
But then she saw me...
...and her eyes lit up...
...and, as she stared at me, they were so full of joy...
...and so full of love...
...that I bit my lower lip, which suddenly was trembling.
And then, she stepped out completely from behind the tree...
...clutching the handles of a large, bulging brown Arthur's Deli logo shopping bag in her left hand...
...and, hoisting it high into the air, she began pointing at it rapidly and repeatedly with her right one...
...while breaking into a wide, triumphant grin...
...and suddenly, I wasn't even thinking anymore about how we were soon going to be intimate...
...because all my mind could focus on now was how I couldn't wait to feed her!
Smiling back, and gazing at her through suddenly-watery eyes, I pointed to the bouquet I was holding.
Without hesitation, she nodded understandingly...
...and stepped back behind her tree.
Out of sight.
And, turning back around...
...I observed a moment of silence...and then, leaning forward and down, I carefully placed the bouquet onto my grandmother's grave...
...fervently hoping that she couldn't read minds from where she was, up in heaven...
...and therefore would have no idea what I was about to do with Sam, less than two hundred feet away...
...behind the Warren family's mausoleum.
I took a moment to collect my thoughts, and then said, "Hi, Grandmom. I just wanted you to know that it's the Seventh, and I haven't forgotten...and that, even though I miss you terribly, I'm happy that you're not suffering anymore...and that you're with Mom...and that I love you, and I always will."
I spent the next five minutes in silence, remembering the many wonderful, happy times the two of us had shared together...
...and then, after promising to come and see her again and see her before I left for Seattle, I said 'goodbye'...
...and then looked over my right shoulder...
...and caught sight of Sam.
She was peeking out from behind the tree...
...waiting.
Seconds later, I was looking down into my backpack, fumbling around for my baseball cap...
...slightly annoyed, as I realized that I'd left it at the bottom.
Nearly a minute passed before I finally found it, tangled up in the bedspread's folds...
...and then, before I could even put it on, I felt a thrill shoot through my entire body; because, even though I hadn't given the signal yet...
...I felt gentle hand on my shoulder...
...and, full of nervous excitement, I spun around...
...but instead of my brown eyes clamping onto two blue ones...
...I found myself staring at the front of a black polo shirt...
...and lifted my shocked eyes to see...
...Grandad.
No!
Oh, God...no!
And, devastated...
...and without meaning to...
...I burst into tears.
"I know. I know how much you miss her," he said gravely.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" I sobbed...
...while shaking uncontrollably.
"I came to be with you," he answered.
I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt...
...frantically trying (and failing) to pull myself back together.
"But what about the golf g-game...and your b-bet?"
He shook his head, then stated, "As I drove away, saw you walking into the florist shop, and I remembered how upset you'd looked this morning, and that's when I remembered that today is the Seventh...and so I realized why you wanted to go buy flowers; so I called Rick and canceled for the day."
Lifting my mournful eyes to his, I said, "Thank you, but...I'd...l-like to be by myself right now."
"Nonsense," he replied, not even stopping to think the matter over. "When you're grieving, with your family is where you belong."
"Wh-what?" I blurted out, not believing my ears. "You two couldn't stand each other!"
He hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I'm...sorry that you remember that."
"Please, I just w-want to be by myself," I repeated.
"Why?" he asked. "Is it because me being here brings back bad memories?"
I didn't know how to answer, and so, trying to buy time, I wiped my still-streaming eyes on the back of my hand and stared down at Grandmom's grave. From the corner of my eye, I saw Grandad pull a clean handkerchief from his back pocket and hold it out to me...
...and then, as I took it from his outstretched hand...
...I felt his other one on my right shoulder...
...and, before I realized what was happening or could protest, he was leading me over to a nearby bench. Sitting down on it, he reached up and then, to my horror, he pulled me down next to him...
...with my back to the park...
...and to Sam...
...and, instantly, I began cursing myself for asking him to drop me off where he did...
...directly in front of the florist's shop!
If I hadn't, none of this would be happening!
And what the hell could I do about it now?
The sound of his voice pulled me back to the present.
"It wasn't always that way," he began. "I thought that the two of us would be together forever."
"Grandad, I...I want to leave."
"Shh. I don't want you to walk out of here thinking only of the bad times she and I had. We spent our honeymoon in Ocean Shores."
"I was there once...and I'd love to go back; because it is beautiful," I agreed...
...hoping to hurry the reminiscing along...
...so he'd leave...
...me alone.
"Yes, it is," he repeated. After a long moment of silence, he continued, "Our first five or six years together were the happiest ones of my life."
From there, his oratory dragged on...
...endlessly
...and unbearably...
...and as soon as I could, I sneaked glance down at my watch.
Nearly half an hour had elapsed...
...and I wasn't even hearing what he was saying anymore...
...because all I could think about was Sam...
...and what she must be feeling.
"...was a good mother to Steven," he continued...
...and, suddenly, I absolutely couldn't take it anymore.
"Grandad, I...really want to be by myself right now," I said again.
Stopping mid-sentence, he looked at me in surprise.
"Why?"
"I...just want to...to think."
"About what?" he asked.
How to answer that?
"I don't know...I just...do," I replied lamely. "And then...I...I want to take a walk."
"To where?"
"I...don't know," I repeated.
"No," he argued, "Not right now. I see how distraught you are, and I don't want you absent-mindedly wandering out into traffic as a result. We can go for a walk tomorrow...just the two of us...to watch the sunrise."
"B-but...I promise I won't wander into-"
Grandad reached forward and took hold of my hand, interrupting, "Come on, I'll drive you home."
Panicking, I tried to withdraw my hand from his.
"No!"
Yes," he answered firmly, "I insist."
"No!"
"Carly, I see how upset you are. Staying here is only going to make you feel worse; so it's time to leave now."
B-but-"
"Come on," he persisted...
...and somehow, before I even knew what was happening, he was leading me through the front gates...
...and then about twenty feet down the street, to where his car was parked.
As we exited the cemetery, I looked frantically toward Sam's tree...
...but I didn't see her sleeve...
...or her hair...
...but...she was still there! I told myself.
She had to be!
And then I saw Grandad holding the car's passenger door open, and I felt him put his other hand on my shoulder, and steer me forward...
...and, completely helpless, I got in.
Thirty seconds later he was sitting beside me, in the drivers seat...
...but before he could start the engine..
...I lost it...
...and leaned forward, where, with my forehead pressed against the dashboard...
...I started to bawl.
"I know, I know," he murmured, "you'll feel better once we get home."
"N-no!" I sobbed. "I want to be by myself!"
"But-"
"I just wanted to walk!" I reminded him.
"Look, Car-"
"Grandad, please!" I begged...
...now way beyond desperate. "Please, just let me go! I want to w-walk for a while!"
"Okay, he agreed suddenly...
...and, shaking from relief, I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand...
...but immediately started crying again, as I I heard him say, "We'll walk."
"But...I want to be alone!" I insisted.
Completely ignoring my request, he continued, "I'll come back and get the car later."
"No!" I argued. "I want to be by mysel-"
"We can stop at that little bakery over on Spruce Street," he added...
...still ignoring me, "I know how much you love their butter cookies, and you haven't had them once since you got here. It's my treat."
And then, he was holding the car door open for me...
...and desperate, yet dutifully, I got out...
...convinced that things couldn't possibly get any worse...
...but soon realized that I was very, very wrong...
...when he put an arm around my shoulder and steered me across the street...
...and my sorrow turned to terror, as I realized that...
...he was taking a shortcut through the park!
With my heart in my throat, I followed him across the street...
...and through the front entrance gates.
Ten feet up the path, now completely frantic (and for more than one reason), I looked over, behind
Sam's tree.
She was gone.
As Grandad led me forward, he was looking to his left, over to where the park's fountain was...
...which meant that I was the only one who saw the large, overstuffed Arthur's Deli shopping bag...
...its contents still completely untouched...
...less than ten feet away from the tree...
...protruding from the top of the park's nearby trash can...
...where she had abandoned it.
She was gone.
Twenty minutes later, we were walking out Yakima's Swiss Haus bakery...
...and he was handing me a huge bag of butter cookies...
...but even though they're my absolute favorite...I couldn't even eat one.
We walked around aimlessly for another half hour or so, Grandad obviously thinking that he was indulging/satisfying my whims; and then, to my utter relief, we headed home.
The minute we entered the house Grandad headed straight to the kitchen, announcing, "I'll make you some hot tea."
"No...thanks," I mumbled.
At this, he looked back over his shoulder, asking, "Well then, would you rather have milk with your cookies?"
"No...I...I didn't sleep last night," I replied...
...desperate to get away from him...
..before I killed him for ruining my day...
...and my life...
...then continuing, "and so, I...want to try to take a nap."
"That's a good idea," he agreed, "so go ahead. I have to run some papers down to the office anyway, for Monday morning, and I'll pick up the car on my way back."
Nodding, I slowly and wordlessly walked over to the kitchen counter and set the still-full bakery bag down...
...and then, worn-out and numb, I headed down the hall toward the bedroom...
...dragging my feet the entire way.
Sitting down on the far edge of my bed, I stared listlessly out the window; but as soon as I saw Grandad reach the end of the driveway, turn left, and begin walking down the street...
...I was frantically dialing Sam's number.
She didn't answer.
"Sam, it's me...and I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Look, I'm home right now, and he's not here...so it's safe to call me. Please call me...as soon as you get this!" I told her...
...but she didn't call me back...
...even though I left four more messages in the next two hours.
By that time, I was becoming frantic...
...begging her to call me back...
...but she wasn't answering her phone...
...and I was panicking...
...because during a whispered conversation I'd had with her that morning, right before she boarded the bus, she'd assured me that she had her cell phone with her...
...and that it was fully charged.
And, by the time I'd left my eleventh message, I was crying my eyes out...
...because it didn't take much to figure out what had happened.
And it was all my fault.
I had selfishly neglected her for so long...
...and now our plans were ruined...
...and we both knew that there wasn't going to be another chance...
...and now she's given up.
She can't take it anymore and she's giving up...
...on us.
And now, she doesn't even want to talk to me ever again!
Tearfully, I snatched the phone off my nightstand yet again.
"H-he's not here! P-please, Sam...I know you're there! I'm sorry about what happened! I swear I'll find a way to make it up to you...I swear it! Please, just talk to me!"
But she didn't...
...even though I tried, over and over again...
...all the while praying that I was wrong...
...and that there was some explanation for why she wouldn't call...
...and that she still wanted to be with me.
Finally, at nine pm, I stopped.
It was no good.
In all the years I've known her, Sam has never, ever thrown food away. And now, even though she's starving, she's turned her back on a huge bag of groceries...
...just like she's turned her back on me.
Oh, God! This isn't happening! It can't happen!
Because if it does...I'll die!
And then, despite having given up, I called her again...
...nine more times...
...leaving nine more messages...
...crying, apologizing...
...begging...
...but still, not a word.
Around seven, Grandad had practically dragged me from my room...
...sitting me down at the kitchen table, in front of a huge platter of London Broil...
...which he knows is my favorite of all his barbecued specialties...
...but, after staring at it for what seemed forever...
...with my stomach growing more and more agitated by the minute...
...I just shook my head...and then got up silently and headed into the bathroom...
...where I spent the next half hour taking a long, hot shower...
...letting the rushing sound of water drown out my sobs.
Thirty minutes later, I was in my pajamas, lying on my bed in the darkness...
...alone...
...staring up at the ceiling...
...and forced to confront the truth.
She's given up on us.
And now, somehow, I have to find the strength to let her go.
But I have no idea how to do that.
July 8th:
I don't remember passing out...
...falling abruptly into a shallow, tormented sleep...
...but I do remember what woke me up.
It was the tapping that was coming from across the room...
...the tapping on my bedroom window...
...and, as I opened my eyes, I saw the illuminated display of the alarm clock on my bedside table.
12:03 a.m.
Groggily rolling onto my left side, I stared across the darkness, to the other side of the room, and looked out window...
...and there she was...
...her dark shape silhouetted against a cloudless, midnight blue sky, full of stars...
...and I had to clamp my had over my mouth to keep from screaming her name.
Immediately, and without making a sound, she slid the lower half of the window sash upward...
...and climbed through it...
...into my room.
Sitting bolt upright, I flung my open arms toward her...and, my voice trembling violently, I managed to utter a single word.
"S-s-sam!"
Shh," she whispered softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed...
...with her hips right next to mine.
Immediately, I flung my arms around her neck.
"I know, Carls...I know," she said softly. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to call you; but, considering what happened earlier, I was afraid he'd walk in on the conversation and hear what we were plan-"
Stopping mid-sentence, she looked nervously toward my bedroom door...
...and I knew what she was thinking.
"Don't worry," I whispered. "I always lock it."
With a nod, she continued, "Anyway I wanted to call you; I really did-"
"Don't," I interrupted...
...forgiving her instantly. "Don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong."
Instead of agreeing with me, she added, "And there's...something else I have to apologize for. The bag of food...I'm really sorry, but I...I was so frustrated that I...I stuffed it...into-"
"That doesn't matter," I said quickly.
"Yes it does," she insisted, in a very low voice, "and I'm really, really sorry. I went back for it two hours later, but it was gone. The can was completely empty, so I guess the grounds crew emptied-"
"Sam, I don't care about-"
"I do care," she persisted, "...that was over eighty dollars worth of your mon-"
Not wanting her to dwell on it, I attempted to change the subject, asking, "Where have you been all day?"
"Down at Murphy's Pool Hall," she replied, "getting your money back."
Stunned, I repeated, "Murphy's? The pool hall over on West 27th street? That's right in the middle of the worst neighborhood in Yakima!"
"Shh," she admonished, "keep your voice down. I don't care. All that matters is that, even though it took almost nine hours, I got your money back...all of it."
Releasing herself from my arms and standing up, she reached into the right front pocket of her navy cargo shorts and after a bit of digging pulled out about twelve crumpled bills. Getting up off the bed, she walked around to its far side, over to my nightstand; and, after stacking the money and folding it in half, she slid it partway under my alarm clock.
As she sat back down, this time on that side of the bed, I reached over, pulling her as close to me as I could, but seconds later, she was gently untangling herself from my arms...
...and with her hands on my shoulders, she leaned back, saying in a faltering voice, "I...I just want to...look at you for a minute."
But I couldn't wait that long...
...and I pulled her close to me again...
...and suddenly, she was holding me too, just as close...
...and with a profound sense of relief, I felt my body go limp in her arms.
Seconds later, my lips found hers in the darkness.
As she felt them moving gently on her own, she hesitated...
...but only for a second or two...
...and then she was kissing me back...
...with such love and gratitude that I was blinking tears away.
And then, suddenly, her lips left mine, and understanding why...
...I obediently tilted my head back.
And, as she kissed my neck...
...again and again...
...I felt my stomach swoop...
...and then, less than five seconds later, my entire body lurched sharply, up and to the left...
...from the intensity of the first violent contraction I'd just felt between my legs.
"Oh, Sam," I breathed, "...please!"
Instead of answering with words, she merely nodded; and, wrapping her arms more tightly around my waist...
...she brought her lips to mine again.
And, only a few minutes later...
...seconds after her mouth had opened against my own...
...my hips were shifting on the mattress...
...not once, but several times...
...because of the way my body was awakening to her touch...
...not gradually...
...but with a rapidly-escalating, aching and desperate urge.
Letting go of her shoulders, I reached down and, taking hold of her left hand with my trembling right one...
...I brought it up to my chest. After a moment's hesitation, she rested it between my breasts...
...and I could feel the warmth of her open palm through the surface of my pajama jacket...
...but only for a moment...
...because it was soon far surpassed by the heat of my body...
...as it reacted to her touch.
Dropping my own left hand to her lap, I began caressing her bare knees, first one and then the other...
...and then, less than a minute later, I felt her left one flinch sharply under my palm...
...and I knew why.
She had just felt a sharp contraction between her legs.
And then, the headiness of how I was making her feel, coupled with the rapid and powerful sensations that were coursing through my own body...
...more and more frequently...
...were suddenly surpassed by another sensation...
...a much subtler one...
...but just as meaningful...
...because my swollen, sensitive vulva was now brimming with the wetness of my arousal...
...and I clearly felt, with the slightest tremor, my outer lips part slightly as, unable to contain even one more drop, it overflowed...
...and I felt first dribble of wetness leaking out of me..
...and into my panties...
...and I shifted my hips, loving the way it felt...
...causing a second, longer one to escape my body...
...and, as I felt it soak into the silk between my legs...
...and while struggling to master my uneven breathing, I whispered, "Be with me."
N-no," she replied...
...without even pausing to consider.
"Yes," I persisted.
"We can't, Carls," she whispered, "...you know we can't."
"Please!" I implored her. "We won't make any noise...I promise!"
She shook her head.
"Please, don't stop," I repeated.
"I...have to," she announced...sounding genuinely regretful.
"Just help me feel good...just for a little while longer, we won't finish,"...
...I lied.
And then, while I sat, motionless, fearful, and hopeful ...
...slowly, ever so slowly...
...she nodded.
Seconds later, I was kicking the covers down to the end of the bed...
...and she was kicking her sneakers off...
..and barely had they thudded to the floor, she was climbing on top of me...
...and, as the weight of her body pushed my own far down into the mattress, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to feel her hand on me again...
...directly against my bare skin this time...
...but both of them were currently tangled in my hair.
Reaching up and around her, I rested my palms against her back, feeling her gray hooded sweatshirt under them as I pulled her even closer to me.
And then, as I lay under her...
...helpless and weak...
...she was kissing me again...
...and my body responded to it eagerly...
...rapidly becoming more and more aroused...
...and suddenly, I nearly cried out, as I felt another contraction...
...one so strong that a long stream of wetness spurted thickly out of me...
...its warm slickness completely saturating the crotch of my already-damp panties.
This was soon surpassed by yet another sensation...
...the feeling of her body shifting on top of mine, occasionally at first, but then more and more frequently...
...and obviously from the sensations of arousal that were shooting rapidly through it.
As her lips came to the right side of my neck again, I was turning my head to the left on the pillow...
...looking out of my window, and into the star-filled night...
...and, as I lay watching, from somewhere up and to the left of the window, just out of sight, a sliver of moon came out...
...its faint light turning the darkness a slightly less deep shade of black...
...lighting up the countless stars even more brilliantly, before sending its rays sliding silently through the window...
...and across the bed.
Suddenly, I realized that her kisses had stopped...and, anxious and confused, I turned my face away from the window, and found myself looking upward...
...into her sad eyes.
"Carls," she whispered, "I'm sorry...but we can't."
"Sam...please!"
"But-" she began...
...but I was unwilling to let her finish.
"Please," I begged, whispering as loudly as I dared, "I want to so badly. I need to...so badly!"
Clearly hearing the pain and desperation in my voice, she hesitated...
...wavering.
"Sam, please!" I urged. "I swear I won't make any noise!"
"But-" she began again.
I cut her off with my lips...
...but less than a minute later, she pulled her head back, repeating sadly, "I...can't."
"You want to," I reminded her.
With a look of surprise, she asked, "How do you know tha-"
And then, she stopped speaking...
...because my right hand was moving downward...
...and then upward...
...up between her legs...
...and I clearly felt the wet spot on outside of her cargo shorts. After a bit, my gently-searching fingers found its edges...
...and, from its wide size, I knew what it meant: That her boxers were soaked.
And that she needed release just as desperately as I did.
Immediately reaching down to her zipper with shaking hands, I tried to open it...
...but she stopped me with both of her own.
"No. You first," she said softly...
...and, without hesitation, I nodded.
Without a word, I took hold of her right hand and slowly guided it down between my legs...
...and then, I looked into her eyes and uttered a single word.
"Please."
And then, I felt her fingers probing gently...
...feeling how wet the outside of my pajama pants were...
...and then, they came to rest directly against them...
...pressing against me gently...
...and I knew why. She was feeling the faint, yet unmistakeable pulsing underneath them...
...which was caused by the non-stop throbbing of my vagina...
...and, seconds later, she was fumbling with my drawstring.
"Please, please touch me!" I whispered frantically. "Please, Sam! I'm begging y-"
"Shh. I...will...I'm...trying to" she replied struggling to get them open, helped only slightly by the faint light in the room. "You know," she added, "you're the only person I know who ties their drawstring in a double bow."
"Doesn't everyone?" I asked in surprise.
"I don't," she answered.
"What? Why not?"
"Because I prefer...easy access."
"For who?" I demanded.
Instead of answering, she smiled wickedly...
...but only for a moment.
"Kidding, Cupcake."
Finally, nearly a minute later, she had them untied.
"I love you," I breathed.
"You know I love you back," she whispered, hesitating, "but...are you...sure about this? I wanted your first time to be special."
"Please!" I begged her, "Sam, please...I swear I can't wait any longer!"
"O...kay," she answered slowly...
...yet still hesitated, for almost a minute...
...but finally, she pulled them down, over my hips...
...and then completely off me...
...and as she did, I felt a rush of coolness between my legs...
...but only in one spot...
...as the night air easily penetrating the soaking wet silk.
And then, Sam was looking between my legs...
...and, leaning forward, I was too...
...looking down at the crotch of my panties.
Even in the semi-darkness, it was easy to see that they were drenched.
Less than five seconds later, leaning forward, she slid her hands under my back...
...and then carefully pulled me up into a seated position...
...and I sat patiently, as she unbuttoned my pajama jacket.
After sliding it from my shoulders and then completely off me, she lay me back down...
...and reaching up, I put my hands on her breasts...
...but she moved them away.
"No...don't," she murmured. "Just let me...okay?"
Without hesitation, I nodded...
...and she leaned forward again...
...directly over my body...
...and, wrapping my arms around her, I rested my hands on her upper back...
...as her right one slid down between my legs.
And, as I felt its heat warming the wet, clammy crotch of my panties, I turned my head and looked out the window again...
...at the brilliance of the innumerable stars...
...which began to blur as she pressed her fingertips against me and began sliding them up and down the drenched silk that clung wetly to my vulva...
...blurring from the tears in my eyes...
...but this time, they were tears of relief...
...because after all of the pain I'd just lived through, my suffering was about to end...
...at least for one night...
...and all of this accumulated, unbearable stress was about to leave my aching body.
And, as I lay under her...
...nearly naked...
...feeling my arousal building steadily...
...as wave after wave of sensation rippled through me...
...pulling me, willingly, closer and closer to climax...
...I was breathlessly waiting...aching...for her hand to slip inside my panties...
...and then inside my body...
Now breathing raggedly...
...I turned my attention away from the window and upward, turning my face to the ceiling...
...watching its subtle, shifting patterns of dark and light patches from the moon's pale light, as it slid through the tree branches outside my window...
...until seconds later, I gasped loudly...
...because suddenly, the ceiling was a uniform shade of glaring, bright white...
...because the light fixture in its center had just been turned on...
...and seconds later, I felt Sam's body being dragged off mine...
...and across the bed...
...toward his.
And, as she sprawled at its far edge, on her back, uttering a cry of surprise, I saw that he wasn't looking at her at all...
...but instead, was staring down at me, lying there...
...with my legs still wide open...
...but instead of looking into my eyes, he was staring directly at the soaking wet crotch of my panties...
...and instantly, his expression of anger morphed into one of pure rage.
Whipping his face around to hers, he yelled, "How did you get in here? And what were you doing to her? Answer me, you filth! Right now!"
But before she could...
...he had reached up with his left hand and, grabbing a fistful of her hair...
...he yanked her head back...
...and, as she cried out in pain...
...he swung his right arm back.
And, heart in my throat, I sat up and grabbed it...
...but my hand slid off it as it moved back and out of my reach.
"Grandad...no!" I begged...
...but it was too late.
Swinging his arm back around...
...as hard as he could...
...his open palm collided violently with Sam's face...
...with an ear-splittingly-loud crack...
...and, with a scream...I sat up in bed...
...in complete darkness...
...just as a second crack of lightning lit up the night sky...
...followed by the sound of pouring rain.
And, suddenly, I found myself looking out into the pitch black, completely starless night...
...but only for a second...
...because then I was looking frantically around my room.
She wasn't there...
...and neither was he.
It was just me...
...lying in my bed surrounded by complete darkness..
...alone...
...still dressed in my pajamas.
No!
NO!
This isn't happening!
She...she was here!
She was!
No matter what he did to her...and no matter what he was going to do...she was! She must have escaped! She was here!
Because, if she wasn't...if she didn't come back...then...then it means that...that she doesn't love me!
Flinging my body across the bed, I switched my table lamp on and, heart pounding frantically, I looked across the room at the bedroom door...
...the closed bedroom door...
...which was locked!
No!
She was here!
He must have locked it as he was leaving! After she had escaped!
She was here!
The money! The money that she left on my nightstand!
That proves she was here!
Reaching over, I grabbed my alarm clock, and lifted it quickly...
...but there was nothing underneath!
It fell! It fell onto the floor! It must have! And it's lying there right now...
...right next to her sneakers!
Scrambling out of bed...
...I frantically searched every part of the floor in the dim light, including under the furniture...
...but it wasn't there...
...and neither were her sneakers.
Grandad took the money!
He took it!
He took it before he left the room and locked the door! And she grabbed her sneakers just before she climbed back out the window and escaped!
Please, God...please!
SHE WAS HERE!
Still on my knees, with both hands shaking violently, I grabbed the bottom of my pajama jacket and lifted it...
...and then, I looked down at my drawstring...
...which was still tied...
...in a double bow.
NO!
NO!
I reached up and snatched my phone, which I'd set to vibrate, off the nightstand.
There were no messages.
Tearful, I jumped back onto the bed, yanked the covers over my head, and dialed her number.
"Sam, please...Please! I know you're getting these! If you still love me, we can work this out! I'm begging you...please pick up the phone! Please!"
She didn't...and, throwing it down on my mattress...
...I cried into my pillow...
...for nearly half an hour.
It can't be over...it can't! And, even though I'd given up, I realized that I have to call her...
...one last time.
And, desperate, I took a few minutes...
...planning, word for word, what I wanted to tell her.
And then, I dialed again...
...one last time...
...but she didn't answer...
...and I didn't get her answering machine either...
...because, after only one ring, I heard an unfamiliar, pre-recorded voice.
We're sorry, but we can't connect you. The person you are trying to reach has blocked your call...and is no longer accepting calls from this number.
And, flinging the covers off my head, I slapped my phone down on the nightstand...
...and rolled over onto my stomach.
And, now crying hard...
...I shoved my hand inside my pajama bottoms...
...and far down inside my panties...
...my completely dry panties...
...as far down between my legs as I could...
...and then, shoving two fingers inside my outer lips...
...I began to finger myself...
...as hard as I could...
...as I buried my face into my pillow and bawled.
It was over.
No Sam.
No First Time...
...and at that moment, all I could think about what that I absolutely couldn't take it anymore...
...and that I desperately needed to orgasm...
...or I'd go insane.
And I was crying...because it hurt so badly...
...both my heart and my clitoris...
...but not caring...
...because, even though I was rapidly becoming sore, I couldn't feel anything else...
...was completely unable to become the least bit aroused...
...and I needed to...
...because I was about to lose my mind...
...and so, I doubled my efforts...
...but still, nothing.
And then, I was slamming my crotch down against my frantically rubbing fingers...
...as hard as I could...
...now thinking about the most despicable thing in the world.
I was thinking about Sam raping me...
...vividly picturing her holding me down on my back, and forcing my legs apart...
...while, in my mind, I screamed for her to stop...
...but she refused...
...and, after ripping my clothes off, she began doing the most horribly painful things to me...
...between my legs...
...and, even though she was hurting me so badly physically...
...I had to let her...
...because being ignored by her would be far worse.
And now, I was crying even harder...
...because I finally felt myself starting to get wet...
...and that was the reason why.
And I hated myself for it...
...hating that it was only way I could feel anything...
...hating that the thought of her forcing herself on me...completely against my will...
...was causing me to get wetter and wetter...
...and then, while crying hard...
...as my body began climbing toward orgasm...
...while, in my mind, she forcibly and violently raped me...
...suddenly, my bedroom light switched on.
I hadn't heard him unlock door...
...with his extra key...
...and, terrified, I lifted my face from the pillow...
...and then slowly turned my head to the left, facing in his direction...
...with my hand still inside my panties...
...while fervently praying that he wouldn't pull the covers the rest of the way off me...
...and that he couldn't smell my arousal through them...
...even though I clearly could.
"Carly, what's wrong?" he asked.
"B-b-b-bad dream," I managed to utter.
"Yes, it must be from the storm," he observed.
"I'm f-fine."
"No," he replied, "you're not. I see how upset you are...and I know that you've been afraid of thunderstorms since you were a little girl. Between that and your grandmother's-"
"N-no...I'm okay now," I said quickly.
He shook his head...
...and then announced, "I'm going to leave your bedroom door open, for the rest of the night."
"N-no!" I gasped. "That's not neces...I don't want you to!"
"I'm going to anyway," he replied. "And I'm going to leave mine open also. In case you have another nightmare, I want to hear, so I can wake you up again."
And then, before I could argue further, he'd left.
And I knew that I didn't dare disobey him.
And now, I realized that Sam hadn't been here at atll...
...and that she was gone...
...forever...
...and now, I couldn't even do anything to relieve my overwhelming agony. Not moving from the position in which he'd found me, I reached across to my nightstand...
...with my trembling left hand...
...and then, I checked my messages...
...one last time.
She hadn't called.
And so, extending my arm fully...
...until it was hanging over the edge of the bed...
...I let the phone drop onto the floor.
And then, I lay there in the darkness...
...completely numb...
...until, only minutes later, through some small act of mercy, I blacked out...
...still lying on my stomach...
...with my right hand still in my panties...
...and with my heart shattered in my chest.