Chapter 7-The Hypothesis
Several months passed in Czasuko City and Chairman O'Hair had developed a serious case of stir-crazy. She was tired of Saru not getting any bigger. She wondered how after 298 years of power, how she had not conquered at the rate that was expected from her. Her lead military general, General Joran Weavile, his official title being "General of All Armies", offered her a suggestion. Joran is a Weavile and if you didn't know, Weaviles are Dark-Ice type Pokemon. He preferred to be referred to by his title of General, but he also served as an ambassador of Saru. General Weavile was bisexual and had a polygamous marriage (yes, polygamy was legalized by O'Hair) with Felicia Woodsworf, his bisexual Zoroark girlfriend, and Brüno Björn, a 16 year old gay fashion model Sneasel (yes, gay and under-aged marriage was legalized, too!
ANYWAY, let us continue, shall we?
Gen. Weavile: May I offer a suggestion?
O'Hair: Depends. Is it some Creationist Jeebus sh*t?
Gen. Weavile: My Dear Leader, I know very well that this "God of the Israelites" is nothing but a myth, like all religion, as a means to justify hate and oppression of the people. I know because Richard Dawkins said so and the atheist is always right! He's my FAVE author from the 2000s!
O'Hair: (unsure) Sure… Continue.
Gen. Weavile: I was reading about the planet Earth. I came upon the mythological creatures section and found a rather interesting article on the reported sightings of an ultra-rare Pokemon in the Earth country of Guyana. If you wonder what Guyana is, just think about Jones town—Jim Jones—atheist cult master—the poison Kool-Aid man! Anyway, it is believed that this Pokemon is in fact the extremely rare Pokemon, Mew.
O'Hair: Sightings? I thought us atheists did not buy into that crap!
Gen. Weavile: Do not be quick to judge. I thought it fake, too, until I read the research of the scientist Dr. Fuji. 30 years ago, he created his own Pokemon out of the DNA of Mew from a fossil. We could harvest this Mew DNA if we could find another sample.
O'Hair: I see…but why Mew?
Gen. Weavile: Mew is said to have the DNA of all Pokemon, from Magikarp to Kyurem to even Arceus! If we could capture its DNA, we could create the ULTIMATE Pokemon!
O'Hair: Didn't Dr. Fuji already do this at the Cinnabar Research Facility?
Gen. Weavile: Yes.
O'Hair: And it blew up.
Gen. Weavile: Not the Pokemon! They lost control of their Mewtwo and it wiped out the factory! The factory blew up! BUT, we could harvest some of the uncontrolled rage out of the DNA with modern advancements in genetic engineering!
O'Hair: What a great idea! But where would this DNA come from?
Gen. Weavile: Oh, I sent Brüno and Fefe to get some on Earth! Speaking of which, could I possibly check on their progress via my brand new iPhone 100GX9000 Touch?
O'Hair: Sure. By the way, Windows Phone 666 is better!
(General Weavile pulls out phone)
Brüno: (over phone): Hello?
Gen. Weavile: Hey, Brüno! Did ya get the Mew DNA yet?
Brüno: Felicia and I just found the DNA!
Felicia: (over phone) You don't want to know what we had to do to get ahold of this sample! (holds up bag of some sort of material over video phone)
Gen. Weavile: Awesome! Kisses to the both of you! (hangs up)
O'Hair: When will they be back?
Gen. Weavile: Any time now! Felicia's Blackberry 2900 has a teleportation app!
O'Hair: Regarding the Mew DNA, is there anything we can do to make our Mew clone stronger, yet more controllable, than the failed Cinnabar Island experiment?
Gen. Weavile: Stronger, but controllable, eh? Even with our advances in genetic engineering, it would be extremely difficult to create the perfect clone.
O'Hair: Do what you need to do to get that clone! (hits desk) I WANT THE PERFECT POKEMON!
Gen. Weavile: Yes, Dear Leader
O'Hair: And bring me a BFC of Monster!
Gen. Weavile: Yes, Dear Leader! (leaves)
O'Hair: What a faggot!