Chapter 9-Ivan's Choice

Four days passed and it was a typical Sunday in Mewuskovia. Everyone had just finished Sunday morning Mass at Father Vladivstok's church and flocked to Hypno's Family Restaurant for lunch, including the Aura Guardian and his family.

(Hypno arrives to the table of Ivan and Lucariana; Riolu sits in a high-chair)

Hypno: Did you enjoy meal?

Ivan: As usual.

Lucariana: Riolu must have enjoyed it, too! (Riolu is covered in slop-like food)

Hypno: Dessert, eh?

Ivan: I could go for a Sheer Cold Sundae. I would like hot fudge, caramel, and peanuts for my toppings.

Hypno: Got it! Lady want anything?

Lucariana: No thanks. I fill easily.

Hypno: Suit yourself. Dessert will be ready in a moment. (runs to kitchen)

Lucariana: I will go clean Riolu up in the restroom. (takes Riolu to restroom)

Ivan: (to self) I supposed I will read to myself for a while. (starts reading his copy of George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four)

Narrator: As Ivan read, a strange trio came into the village through the gate. A Weavile, a Sneasel, and a Zoroark looked around with a strange curiosity. Ivan looked out the window of the restaurant and immediately noticed the peculiar trio. Ivan asked himself who they were.

Hypno: (enters with Sundae) Here sundae!

Ivan: (hands cash to Hypno) Keep it.

Hypno: Wha? You never turn down Sheer Cold Sundae!

Ivan: Something came up and I need to address it now.

Hypno: What am I supposed to do with this huge sundae?

Ivan: Give it to one of our poorer citizens! I need to see what that trio is up to! (leaves restaurant)

Hypno: Oh! Those three weirdoes by the gate! Go ahead and investigate!

Lucariana: (comes back to table holding Riolu) Where did Ivan go?

Hypno: Spotted suspicious activity.

Lucariana: (rolls eyes) Of course…that's Ivan. (spots sundae) Who's that for?

Hypno: You, I guess. Ivan did not want—

(Lucariana puts Riolu down and grabs sundae; starts chowing down)

Hypno: (to self with rolling eyes) Crazy lady wants what she didn't order.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Ivan went up to the trio to question them.

Ivan: Good noon to you. May I ask who you three are and what business you seek to conduct?

Gen. Weavile: Thank you for coming to us! I assume you are Ivan the Aura Guardian.

Ivan: I am. Could you introduce yourselves?

Gen. Weavile: Very well.

Brüno: (walks up to Ivan) The name's Brüno, gay fashion model and Chairman of the Sarusian Man-Boy Love Association! (holds hand out to Ivan, Ivan pulls back) BTW, nice piece of *ss there!

Ivan: I am married…with a woman!

Brüno: So? In our motherland, we all have open marriages!

Felicia: Don't forget the gay marriages and polygamies! We are married to each other!

Brüno: Don't forget the lack of age restrictions!

Ivan: So all that is legal in Saru?

Gen. Weavile: In the PEOPLE'S DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC of Saru, it is!

(Ivan's eye twitches)

Felicia: 'Sup? Felicia Woodsworf is the name! Bisexual Chairman of Lambda Saru!

Ivan: Uhh…okay…

Gen. Weavile: And I must introduce myself! (grabs Ivan's hand and shakes) My name is General Joran Weavile and I lead our Dear Leader's massive military of millions!

Ivan: I've seen your massive army on the internet! You must know how to run a military!

Gen. Weavile: Obviously…wait! You people have internet?

Ivan: Of course! We may be stuck in the past, but we're not that far behind!

Gen. Weavile: Shall we get to business?

Ivan: What is this "business" you speak of?

Gen. Weavile: Sure! Our leader has asked us to persuade you to ally your village with Our People's Democratic Republic.

Ivan: You want us to join you?

Brüno: Pretty much.

Ivan: How will this benefit us?

Gen. Weavile: Oh, plenty! Mewuskovia will be protected from anyone who poses a threat to your land! The government will take care of you all! Everyone will have free health care and free abortions for all! Your land will be years ahead everyone else! To receive said wonderful benefits… (pulls out contract scroll and pen)…all you need to do is sign away Mewuskovia to us!

Ivan: I cannot accept this agreement. By the way, you guys still use pen and paper?

Gen. Weavile: Why ever not? What do you have against free health care modeled after the beloved Obamacare of 2010?

Ivan: Our village is rooted in traditional values. We strongly disagree with Saru's values, including sexual perversion, abortion, and religious repression.

Gen. Weavile: If your village is all about freedom of religion, why is there only one church?

Ivan: We all just happen to be in the same religion. I have no explanation. It just happened this way. We oppose murder and intolerance of people. We have not had a single crime in 18 months and I cite our community's strong faith in God as the reason. I have read of the millions of fatalities that are associated with Saru's brutal atheistic regime. Then again, faithless nations will not prosper. Without basic morality, society cannot survive. (tears contract to shreds; trio starts to scowl)

Gen. Weavile: (bitterly) Your people will pay for your insolence.

Ivan: We do not fear you.

Gen. Weavile: You will eat those words when the might of my military comes upon your village and ravages the lives of all.

Brüno: You better hire protection for your family. They will need it!

Ivan: Is that a threat?

Felicia: We will destroy you. (holds claw to Ivan's neck and simulates a throat cutting)

Ivan: (Ivan slaps her hand away) I tell you what—if you are not gone in 5 minutes, I'm gonna kick all three of your pansy *sses!

Felicia: You slapped my hand. Don't you know it is impolite to treat a woman as so?

Ivan: You call yourself a woman?

Felicia: THAT IS IT! (charges toward Ivan; Brüno and Gen. Weavile restrain her) LET ME AT THAT MOTHER F*CKER! I'M GONNA F*CK HIS *SS!

Brüno: (as he holds her) You better watch your back. We will be watching you. And we shall strike when you least expect it.

Ivan: I should probably watch my rear, especially with you.

Felicia: (calms down) Let's go. (trio starts to leave)

Gen. Weavile: You will pay for this. We will bury you!

Ivan: You disgust me.

Lucariana: (trio is finally gone; Lucariana arrives)Ivan? Is everything alright?

Ivan: Yes, dear. We will be fine. Be on guard. I am buying you a gun and teaching you how to use it tonight.

Lucariana: There's something wrong.

Ivan: They wanted us to join them. I turned them down and they are threatening retaliation. It will be a matter of time before Mewuskovia falls to Saru. Our people's will is strong, but we stand no chance against their high-tech army of millions. Hopefully, that daisy-*ssed General was bluffing. We must still be prepared for anything.

Lucariana: Come, Ivan! You need rest!

Narrator: Ivan and Lucariana retired for the night with a slight fear in the back of their minds as to what may come.

Lots of profanity, eh? Don't worry! The plot gets better!