Chapter 18: Eyes on Fire
Jill's POV:
A pounding headache brings me to the room that is strange to me. My bedroom in Mineral town was never big. It had a bed pressed to the wall with a window at its side, a wooden dresser, mirror, and a little side table with a lamp and French flowers.
"I'm heading out for work okay? Make sure you get to school on time!" my mother's voice sounds from the hall.
I don't speak, just swing my legs over the side of my desk and head to the bathroom. The apartment is small, but it seems big because we don't have much inside.
I quickly tie my hair up in a ponytail, my cold hands slipping around the elastic band and pulling back my brown hair in it. The hair naturally divides in two as I shower and put on my overalls, the act familiar and practiced. I wander into the kitchen and grab some rice balls, eating them quickly. I sigh and grab my rucksack, slinging it over my shoulders and heading outside.
The town is bustling.
For a couple seconds I'm lost. Where is school? Where is the crepe building?
Then I laugh to myself. Mineral Town doesn't have crepe buildings. What brought on that thought?
"Pony!" someone calls. I turn around. I turn to face a guy with long silver hair and gleaming green eyes, he smirks at me, and suddenly, the boy dissolves, leaving an orange haired boy wearing a white shirt, cargo pants, purple shoes and an UMA cap.
"Hi Gray," I say, the world's rolling off my tongue naturally.
How do I know this?
You've known him forever.
But how? I can't remember meeting him, can't remember who he was...
You've known him forever.
The voice repeats the sentence in my mind until it aches with a sadness I can't comprehend. Gray says nothing, doesn't react, almost as if he doesn't see it happening.
"Let's go," he says, putting an arm around my shoulders.
You like this boy.
How can I like him, I don't even know him?
Stop questioning.
Since when did I become scared of my own thoughts?
We walk to school, and I seem to stumble around, trying to figure out what it was that I should be doing. Gray leads me to all of my classes, somehow knowing almost too much about me for someone I can't remember.
Stop trying to remember who you are and just do what you're meant to in this world.
What is this voice? It doesn't belong to me. It doesn't feel right. But there's a huge ache in my head and I submit to it.
Gym class is easy; I have muscle somehow and take down my opponents in wrestling with ease. Then, I'm paired with a girl with short brown hair, gorgeous eyes, and a rich demeanor.
"Lumina," I say, though I don't know how I know her.
You should feel anger towards her. Be angry. Hate her.
Hate her? Why should I hate her?
She took something from you, don't you remember? She took your world away from you. Be angry, let this anger contain you.
I don't feel anger towards the girl. But when the whistle blows she runs to me, and I dodge her swiftly. She throws a punch at me and nails me in the stomach.
She hit you. Anger.
But I am still not angry. She's meant to do this, she has to hurt me, and it's not her fault. She doesn't hate me. I don't hate her.
HATE HER.
I can't. That is all. I cannot do it. I do not hate this girl, there is no reason for me to hate her, and I do not hate her. That doesn't stop pain from crawling along my shoulder as she throws me to the floor.
Perhaps he will refresh your memory.
Who?
There's no answer, and for some reason, that's what scares me the most.
The rest of the day I am a flightless bird. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who I am. I can't remember, or…I don't want to. What if who I was is just a weak human being? What if I'm better off trying to fix who I am now?
A loud alarming ring sets my mind on fire. I clutch my ears in pain.
"Lockdown procedures initiated."
Like it had been doing the entire day, my body moved itself forward, hiding in a little space by the desk. I held my breath as boots ran through the hallway.
Nothing's going to happen. They're trying to scare us.
My heart pounds in my chest.
And then, the door bursts open, and the windows shudder as a silver-haired boy with gleaming green eyes and a satisfied smirk on his face approaches us.
"Hey beautiful, it's been far too long," he says, taking my hand. My heart stops for a moment and the boy lifts me to his feet.
You know him.
I do.
I do know him.
What's his name?
"Skye," I say, and my hands fly to my throat.
He smirks. "You remember? That's good Beautiful, that's good."
How do I know Skye? He seems to be the only real part of this entire dreamlike world. I itch to know him somehow, to remember.
Remember him.
Remember.
And I do.
I remember the bits and pieces that border a passage into the other world the voice had been talking about.
You love him. And yet, it is Lumina that he loves.
Hate them.
Hate them both.
Skye's eyes flicker from mine, and he suddenly flings me to the ground and takes Lumina into his arms. He strokes her face and for some reasons my heart aches for him.
Hate them.
But anger doesn't perturb me. Something else rips at me. Sadness.
Why do you not hate him?!
How can I hate that he's happy? I don't want to be evil; I don't want to seek the unhappiness of others. A tear slips down my cheek.
"I hope you can be happy," I mumble.
My world goes fuzzy for a moment, and I don't know why. Then Skye stands, his hands balled into fists, Lumina sitting on the floor gleaming.
"What makes you think I'm happy?" he asks, snarling.
I look at Lumina, then back to him.
"Don't you know me at all? Who am I? Jill, who am I?!"
Jill.
I snap my head up at him.
"How do you know who I am?" I ask him.
"Why don't you?" he asks. "Wake up Jill. Why are you here? Why are you hiding?"
"I'm not hiding!" I say.
"Why are you being so defensive then?" he asks, sounding annoyed.
"I…"
"Wake up Jill, please," he says, tugging at my arm. "You liked our world, you loved it. I want you back in it. I miss you Jill. You have to come back."
"You miss me? You know me?"
He looks at me sadly. "You don't remember then?"
"I only remember…parts…"
"That's because you're scared Jill. You're scared of finding out. You're scared that you'll find something you don't want to remember."
"That's not true," I mumble. "I think I want to remember you."
"Then wake up. It'll be so easy if you just wake up."
"Are you sure? What if I'm not the right person?"
"There's only one Jill Suzumiya. How can you be anything but the right person?"
"Promise?"
"Trust me," he says, staring into my eyes. The green orbs sparkle and he takes my hand. "Wake up."
I squeeze his hand hard and clear my mind. Whatever this world was, I want to be back in it. I want to wake up. Who knows if I'll be able to face it? But it's better than whatever this is. It's better than following a path like a robotic sheep, wondering about what life could be like if I had the chance. I do have that chance, and it's time that I take it with both hands.
With all the willpower I have, I force my eyes open. I feel my throat closing, my head pounding, my arm shrieking in pain and I can't find my leg. Its pain, but it's real. This fire that I feel, that is real, no matter what else isn't.
And the fire or being able to feel something, even when the world is somber, sometimes, that's enough.