Disclaimer: I do not know anything by IS: Infinite Stratos and/or Linkin Park's song Fallout. They belong to their respected owners. However, original characters all belong to me, Grayjedi-Productions...
A/N: This is a bit lengthy, nearly 5000 words. But please do,
READ, REVIEW, AND ENJOY! XD
April 14, 2022-IS Academy-Room 1025-1702 Hours
(Main theme is Heaven's Divide from Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker...Trust me, it'll make more sense as the fanfiction continues)
"So we finally got the room arrangements correct!" announced Maya. Houki sat at her desk, while Ichika was relaxing on his bed. It's only been a day since the Tournament, and everybody is trying to get back to normal.
"Wait, what do you mean?" asked Houki.
"Ichika is moving out of this room and being transferred over to a new room! Room 1044!"
Ichika and Houki stared at each other, then back to Maya. "There is no Room 1044." They both said.
Maya tilted her glasses, making them shine in the room. "It was a secret of the Academy. We made sure that you guys won't know about it." The three stood in silence.
"Uhhh, it's it slightly awkward for a boy and a girl to sleep together though?" Maya said, breaking the silence.
"Does it have to be immediately though?" asked Houki.
"Yes."
Ichika started packing his stuff. "Don't worry about me Houki. I'll still wake up properly without you."
Houki furrowed her brows. "Sensei, please do get him out of my room!"
1717 Hours- IS Academy- Main Corridor- In front of Room 1044.
Ichika stood outside the door of room 1044. The sterile-like hallway and freshly painted door to the door did say that the entire area around room 1044 was brand-new.
They really kept this a secret. Though Ichika, slowly opening the door. Oh wow...
Inside the room was a complete living room setting; a large couch, two side chairs and a coffee table in between. Two doors on the far wall, and another two doors on the right side of the room. A large screen TV was pinned to the wall, with the American National Hockey League on. Kenneth sat on the couch, leaning slightly forward, as if in the game.
"Oh hey!" said Kenneth, finally seeing Ichika. "I see that you found your way here."
Ichika placed his stuff next to the couch, and sat himself down. "It's quite a nice place we have here."
"Quite...By the way, where were you today?"
"Oh that...Well, I went off-campus to see an old friend, Dan Gotanda."
"Nice, must have been a fun time."
"It was...especially when we got lunch from his sister. By the way, what's with the other door?"
Kenneth motioned to the two doors on the far side of the room. "Oh that one? Apparently this is a three-bedroom suite. We are supposed to get another pilot coming in soon... maybe tomorrow."
Ichika looked puzzled. "Another guy?"
"Yeah, strange how this world works right?"
A soft knock was heard from the main door. Kenneth got himself up. "Don't worry. I got it."
Kenneth opened the door, seeing Houki, arms crossed.
"Oh hi. Is Ichika here?" she said.
"Yeah...Ichika, it's Houki, get over here."
Kenneth left the door open, leaving for bathroom. "Oh hey Houki, what's up?" said Ichika.
Houki started pivoting her body left and right, unsure of what to say. "You know that the Grade Level Individual Tournament? If...I become champion...You will go out with me!"
Ichika stood there, baffled about what was going on. Kenneth, came out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth.
"Hey, what did I miss?" Kenneth said.
April 15, 2022-0144 Hours-IS Academy- Room 1044-Kenneth's Personal Dorm Room
"...And that's the update, Captain. Nothing to report, besides the unmanned drone." Kenneth said to the transmitter screen.
Captain Brian scratched his head, trying to get his mind around the idea. "This is troubling. If any nation was to mass produce unmanned IS drones, then military tensions between feuding nations will become...extreme."
"And that's why the STARIS is here, isn't it?"
"True... But still, this is troubling."
"Well if that is all, this Midshipman Kenneth Buyuu, signing off."
"Just wait Midshipman. You know it's becoming that time of the month again."
Kenneth bowed his head and sighed. "Protocol WALTS, correct?"
The Captain simply nodded. "You know the drill. Protocol Without Any LighT/mass Shielding. Even being at the IS Academy doesn't stop it. Three representatives of the major STARIS units will be coming to get you within the next three days. Get a good nights rest Buyuu; you might need it tomorrow."
Kenneth did a simple salute, and closed the transmitter. I wonder who it will be this time?
0700 Hours-IS Academy-Room 1-1
"Now before we start class today." started Maya. "We have another transfer student in our class."
The door slide out, and figure walked in front of the classroom. A young man, with long blonde hair, tied behind his head. He wore a baggy uniform, out of comfort, yet still carried an air of royalty. If anyone could have describe him, it would be "princely".
"My name is Charles Dunois from France. I'm new to the country, so please take care of me."
"A...a guy?" said one girl.
"Yes. I heard that there's two people in the same situation as me, so I transferred.."
The class exploded in an uproar, much to Charles surprise.
"Another guy in the class!"
"We are sooooo lucky!"
"I call this one!"
Chifuyu slapped her clipboard on the main desk. "Alright that's enough! We are training with Class 2, so everyone to the locker rooms."
She quickly changed her glaze to Ichika and Kenneth. "Orimura, Buyuu. Show Dunois to the guy's locker room."
"Very well."
As the girls started walking out of the classroom, Charles walked towards Ichika's and Kenneth's desks. "So you must be Kenneth, and you Ichika." he said with a smile.
Ichika and Kenneth immediately got up from their seats. Ichika spoke first. "We better hurry to the locker rooms."
Kenneth nodded. "Let's go." Kenneth grabbed Charles hand and the three ran out of the classroom.
"We better hurry to the arena." said Ichika, just a few feet ahead of Charles and Kenneth.
"Oo...okay." said Charles.
"Why you acting so strange? You gotta use the restroom?" asked Ichika. Kenneth immediately left go of Charles hands.
"Sorry about that..." mumbled Kenneth.
A flock of girls started forming around the guys. "Hey everyone! I found the new transfer student guy!" More girls started forming around Ichika, Charles and Kenneth.
"And he's together with Orimura-kun and Buyuu-kun!" another one said. In a blink of an eye, a herd of girls surrounded the three.
"Orimura-kun's black hair...Buyuu-kun's brown hair...And now the new guy's blonde hair!" squealed one girl.
"Damn it... Kenny, you have something with you to deal with this?" whispered Ichika.
"Flash-bang grenades could work."
Ichika shook his head. "Too powerful. Anything else?"
Kenneth withdrew a small pellet from his left arm, making sure that no one saw. "Smoke grenades." Slamming it on the ground, the entire hallway was consumed in a grey smoke, the girls coughing as they tried to search for the boys.
"Alright, let's go!" Kenneth said, dragging both Ichika's and Charles arms out of the smoke.
"Why are they after us?" coughed Charles.
"Being the only few guys in an all girls academy..." answered Ichika.
0714 Hours-IS Academy-Men's Locker Room
"I think we lost them..." said Kenneth, watching the two panting for breathe.
"Did you really..." panted Ichika "have to run that fast?"
Kenneth scratched his head. "Yeah, sorry about that. I'd blame my augmentations, but I think that's becoming too often an excuse."
"I'm sorry if I caused too much trouble." breathed Charles.
"Not at all. Being the only two male students at the Academy is pretty tough." Ichika said.
"Well, I guess it isn't too late for introductions. I'm Ichika Orimura. Call me Ichika, please."
"Yes, nice to meet you Ichika. Call me Charles."
"Kenneth Buyuu. Kenny, Ken, whatever you may like."
"Oh man! Check the time! We're going to be late! Get changed quickly!" Ichika quickly took off his shirt, while Kenneth took out a military-like uniform. Charles simply stood there, embarrassed. Closing his eyes, he turned the other way.
"You better changed quickly." warned Ichika.
"Yeah, remember what happened last time with your sister?" said Kenneth, putting on his SI pants.
"Ooo-okay, I'll change. Just look the other way..." trailed off Charles.
"Uhhh, okay...I don't intent to stare at you while changing..." muttered Ichika, turning towards his locker. Kenneth, looked the other way, mumbling something about French people and their sexuality.
When the two boys looked back at Charles, he was already fully changed into a custom made IS jumpsuit.
"How the hell do you change that fast?" questioned Kenneth, befuddled.
"Especially when these suits become tangled and whatnot." added on Ichika.
"Tangled...?" asked Charles, becoming a little red in the face.
"But that suit looks a lot more comforting than these." pointed Ichika.
"It's a special model from the Dunois Company."
As the three started walking towards the outside doors of the stadium, Ichika and Charles continued to talk about the Dunois Company. Kenneth pulled slightly behind them, focusing his eyes on Charles. A small pop-up screen appeared for his eyes only.
Charles Dunois
IS: Raphael-Revive Custom II
Special Ability: Multitudes of Weaponry.
Kenneth saw a small glitch in his eyes. From behind, Charles figure shifted to a young 18 year old girl's body, then changed back again. Kenneth shook his head. Damn nanomachines must be acting up again...
1720 Hours-IS Academy-Stadium Battlegrounds Arena II
"We'll begin practice with a combat demonstration." started Chifuyu. "Huang, Alcott. Step forward please."
"So much trouble...Why me?" complained Rin.
"Why do I have to be some exhibition?" grumbled Cecilia.
As the two stepped forward, Chifuyu whispered to both their ears. "Here's some enthusiasm...show him what you're made of!"
The two instantly became hyperactive.
"The stage is set for me, Cecilia Alcott, the United Kingdom's Cadet Representative!"
"It's a great chance to show you our difference in skill with personal ISs!" exclaimed Rin.
"What just happened?" asked Charles, noticing the change in the girl's attitudes.
"I don't know. Kenny, you heard what my sister said to them?"
"I wasn't really paying attention..." admitted Kenneth, with a smirk.
"Fighting Rin would be easy." smiled Cecilia.
"I'll slaughter you..." laughed Rin.
Chifuyu looked unfazed. "Idiots. You will be fighting against..."
A shining light sparked in the sky. Falling and falling it flew, directly into the path of the class. It was a green IS, with Yamada Maya piloting.
"OH MY GOD! GET OUT OF THE WAY!" She crashed with a thud, right on top of Ichika. A cloud of dust kicked up with the impact. As the cloud cleared, Ichika was on top of Maya-sensei, with his hand over Maya-sensei's left breast.
Seriously, how does this happen with this guy? palmfaced Kenneth.
"Uuhh Orimura-kun...You see, this is troubling. I have to keep my teacher-student relationship with you... But if this continues, Orimura-sensei would become my sister-in-law, and that's pretty tempting..."
Ichika, noticing where his hand landed, immediately pulled himself away, just in time as a particle beam shot just between the two.
"Oh look..." said Cecilia, with a sadistic smile. "I missed..."
"ICHIKA!" screamed Rin, tossing her scimitar bow staff at Ichika.
With the sound of two repeated shots, the scimitar bow staff stuck to the ground. The class traced where the sound came from. From the mini-crater, sat a prone Maya, a focused look fixed on her face.
"Orimura-kun, are you hurt?" she said, her face becoming the usual carefree emotion she always had.
"No, I'm fine." Ichika said, brushing the dust from himself.
"Yamada-sensei is a former Candidate Representative. Those two shots are nothing for her." stated Chifuyu.
"But that was years ago..." said Maya, blushing with her accomplishment.
"Two against one?" asked Cecilia and Rin.
"I wouldn't worry. You two will be easily defeated." scoffed Chifuyu.
The girls, taking that as a challenge, took to the skies, with Maya trailing behind them. As the three battled, Chifuyu shifted her attention to Charles.
"Dunois. Make a commentary on the IS that Yamada-sensei is using."
"Uuuhh, yes ma'am. Yamada-sensei is using the Raphael Revive IS from the Dunois Company. An end of the 2nd generation ISs, however it rivals the early 3rd generation machines. It's greatest ability is that it can be configured to any and all types, melee, sniper and defensive combat."
With the end of Charles commentary, Rin and Cecilia screamed in pain, blasted from an IS grenade launcher. The two slammed on the ground beside Chifuyu, seemingly expecting that to happen.
"You're evasive maneuvers were too easy to predict!" attacked Rin.
"And you were just firing away without any consideration!" shot back Cecilia.
As the two continued to cast blame on each other, Chifuyu talked over them. "You should understand the ability of the teachers now. Show us some respect. We'll be splitting up into group practice. Personal IS holders will be the leaders."
Girls started filing into the groups, mainly concentrated around the guys. All three of the guys stared back at each other, seeing the sea that formed around them.
A few minutes later
"Buyuu, come here for a second." said Chifuyu, grabbing Kenneth away from his group.
"Continue without me girls!" said Kenneth, leaving his group.
A commotion started with Ichika's group, but Chifuyu continued to drag Kenneth to the side.
"Midshipmen what is this? It was lodged in Yamada-sensei's IS on the anti-gravity wings." In Chifuyu's hand was an eight millimeter bullet. It looked like an average bullet except for the dulled green tip it hand.
"This is a Mauler-round." said Kenneth, fumbling with the bullet in his hand, flabbergasted . "An anti-IS/Shielding round."
"Is there something the matter Midshipman?"
Kenneth glared into Chifuyu's eyes. "This is why Yamada-sensei fell from the sky. How did this happen?" he demanded.
"She said that she was about to do a combat drop near the class when three black IS machines materialized from thin air. The next thing she knew was that she was falling."
Kenneth looked stunned. "The problem is that Mauler-rounds aren't made to disable ISs... They are meant to kill... Anyone else who was to shoot this at Yamada-sensei would have straight up killed her... And the Mauler round is only used by..." Kenneth looked at the sky, scanning for any sign. A small magnification came to view.
Three jet black SI machines hovered gently in the sky, arms crossed. One of them looked like a slimmed down, yet more armored version of the APU's from The Matrix Revolutions. Another one looked like the God Gundam from Mobile Fighter G Gundam. The last one, in the middle of the other two, hovered an SI that Kenneth only knew as the first SI machine ever made; The "Black Knight". The three slowly disappeared from the visible spectrum.
Chifuyu saw a horror spawn from Kenneth's face. Was it fear, excitement, perhaps hatred? Chifuyu couldn't tell, Kenneth's face was all of it, but none of it.
"Is there something that you want to tell me Midshipman?" asked Chifuyu sincerely.
Color slightly drained from Kenneth's face. "No...nothing at all..."
...They sent the Omega squad for the test...The greatest soldiers in the world, MY instructors...out against me...
1300 Hours-IS Academy-Roof
"...What is this..."
"What do you mean Houki?" At lunchtime, the group of Ichika, Kenneth, Cecilia, Rin and Charles sat on the grass garden that was grown on the top of the roof. A partly cloudy day overhung the sky. Kenneth looked slightly distracted by the skies.
"Something on your mind, Kenny?" asked Charles.
Kenneth snapped out of his day glazing. "Who's huh...? Oh sorry..."
Charles looked abit nervous "Are you sure it's ok for me to be here?"
"Don't worry about, being the only three guys in the Academy, we need to stay together." said Ichika.
"Especially if we are going to be roommate now." chuckled Kenneth.
"Thank you...Both of you."
The girls and Kenneth withdrew from behind them their respected lunchboxes. Houki had a simple bento-box, Cecilia and Rin with a simple lunch box, and Kenneth with a gray colored ration tin. Kenneth opened his, taking out several wrapped packages. Dropping them in ration tin, he starting playing around with a military chocolate bar.
"That looks...unappetizing." commented Rin. Kenneth grunted in response.
With a few drops of water from a thermos in the tin, the slops became a full course meal before their eyes.
"Don't be hatin'." grinned Kenneth. "Hey what's this?" Kenneth fumbled a small cylinder tin from the ration.
"Charles, did you bring anything?" he asked.
"No I didn't." chuckled Charles. Kenneth tossed the tin over to him. "Here. A taste of home I guess."
Charles caught and quickly examined it. "Le Cachou Lajaunie? My favorite! Was this in the ration?"
Kenneth nodded. "Must have mixed the packaging with normal French rations. The 'IS' program I was in always got their moral candies from France."
Rin coughed, trying to get the guys attention. Opening her lunch box, she revealed sweet and sour pork.
Childhood friends are awesome! Though Ichika.
"Well Ichika, I prepared this early in the morning, so try some if you like." giggled Rin.
Almost immediately, Houki and Cecilia opened their lunch boxes. Inside Cecilia's, a nice set of sandwiches. Inside Houki's, a self assembled bento-box, seemingly built for two.
"Hear, try some of this Ichika." said Houki. Ichika, chopsticks in hand, grabbed a piece of sushi. The other girls just stared.
"Wow! That's delicious!" announced Ichika, mouth still full of sushi. Grabbing another piece of sushi, he held it in front of Houki's mouth.
"Come'on. It's yours, try it." smilied Ichika.
"Ooo-okay." accepted Houki. She chewed and swallowed it, enjoying every bit that Ichika had fed her. "Wow...it is good."
"Why don't you try this sandwich Ichika!" forced Cecilia, practically shoving the sandwich in Ichika's mouth.
"...I think I'll have more...later." groaned Ichika, face slightly filled with disgust.
"Hey! Not fair!" squealed Rin, using chopsticks to grab some pork from her box. "Here, try this one!"
Charles and Kenneth simply watched the events occur in front of them.
"I would say that what Ichika did with Houki would be similar to what couples do in Japan, but now I'm confused. Does this happen on a normal basis?" nudged Charles.
Kenneth took a large gulp from a separate water bottle next to him. "More often than you think."
2230 Hours-IS Academy-Room 1044
"You certainly know how to make some tea Ichika." complemented Kenneth.
"The tea is delicious Ichika." giggled Charles.
Ichika bowed his head. "Come'on! It was nothing!"
The boys sat in main room, feet kicked back on the coffee table. The TV wasn't on, all he boys did was talk for the past few hours after they finished their homework.
"So Ichika, Kenny... Would you mind if I joined training with you guys after classes?" asked Charles.
"Yeah, I wouldn't mind." said Kenneth.
"We definitely need another guy, since there's three girls. Especially if one of us ditches us midway thru the training..."
Kenneth seemed to hardly react to that comment. "It's not my fault that the girls were mainly after you. They hardly paid attention to me."
Charles got up first. "Well, I guess that I'm going to bed first. Night..."
"See ya in the morning."
"Remember that I wake up early in the morning. Don't mind the alarm."
? Hours-Location: UNKNOWN
(Kenneth's POV)
Don't apply the anesthesia yet. I grunted in pain.
White lights hung up from the ceilings of the medical room. I was virtually nailed in place, I couldn't move a single muscle if I felt like it. One last mission before becoming true Scion Initiates, the Surgery. Multiple mechanical arms lazily hung from the main machines, like drapes.
We need to remove you're left arm; it's damaged beyond healing. It will be you're part of humanity sacrificed for greater good. said a doctor. A man walked into my view.
Captain... I tried to salute, slowing fading to darkness.
Rest easy, LC...
LC...Lieutenant Commander... my rank until Surgery. Everything faded to black. I was prone to the table, waiting. Minutes became hours, hours seemed to become days, the idea of time was lost.
A sudden pain erupted from left arm. Piecing white light shined from it, radiating everything. A stream of memories past by me, torture training, interrogation, destruction and explosions of rogue bases swiped beside me, and I absorbed every bit of emotion from that time.
Please... I cried. Make the pain stopped...
The flood of emotion ebbed away from me, ending at one point I was reliving again.
Kill her. Commodore Adean, pointed at the 25 year old IS pilot tied to the chair. And we stop.
I looked at the Commodore once, and switched over to the IS pilot. She showed no emotion to the events that transpired.
Dunk him again. Two United States Marine Recon men grabbed my head, and shoved it into the water tub in front of me. I felt that I was drowning, but no, the Scion Initiates made sure that the candidates lived to tell the tale. The Marine Recon men stopped again.
I'm not going to ask again, Buyuu. Warned Adean. I could feel my hatred grow within me, a burning desire to kill the apathetic IS pilot...but was it worth it? To lose one's self in emotion?
Adean sighed. With a snap of her fingers, the men dunked my head again. My emotions snapped.
Time to end this.
I forced my head out of the water, the Marines caught-off guard by my movement. Grabbing the pistol in the tub, I shot the IS pilot clean on the head, ending her gaze...and my pain. Adean's face lighten up a bit.
You men can leave now. She said. Quietly the marines left the room. I got up from my chair, noticing that I was never really tied up to the chair at all. I stared at the IS corpse in front of me, kicking it and firing more bullets into her, making sure she was dead.
Never forget this moment Buyuu. While the Infinite Stratos are the light... We are the darkness. We are the Scion Initiates, part of the Special Tactics Against Rogue Infinite Stratos...and we sacrifice for humanity.
? Hours-IS Academy-Room 1044 (Standard POV)
Kenneth woke up in an attack position, knife in hand, grabbing the pillow from behind him. He was panting as if out of breathe, he held back his knife, clutching it close to his chest. A sharp coolness helped wake him up. Kenneth noticed that his eyes were puffy, he had been crying in his sleep.
The past always come back to haunt us. Though Kenneth, collapsing on his bed. Wrapping his hand behind his head rest, he opened a small compartment and withdrew a small flask. Taking one large gulp Kenneth felt the 100% Russian grade vodka numb his senses. Kenneth could hear himself crying, almost sobbing, clutching his synthetic arm and knife together. He grabbed the dog tags that held with flask. Engraved on the tags were the Angel Adrian, Lieutenant.
Angel... A soft beep started from his left arm. He quickly silenced the alarm, and put the flask and dog tags away.
"Time to go..."
April 16, 2022-0654 Hours-IS Academy-Room 1-1
Kenneth sat in his desk, still pondering about his nightmare. A shadow cast over his desk. He looked up, seeing Charles with a concerned face.
"What happened his morning?" he asked.
"Nothing at all." Charles rose an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you heard..." warned Kenneth.
"I did... Ichika didn't."
"Ohh..." Kenneth looked down upon himself. A part of being with the SI soldiers was that the soldiers were in true synchronizing with their emotions. Powering parts of their armor, taking in different emotions in battle held their uses. But in the end, most the SI soldiers were broken inside. Their true emotions shown off the battlefield, sorrow, regret, and grief. In their lost "Battle-Sense" gray-eye indicator, some of the soldiers completely lose track of their memory during this stage.
"Tell me what's up."
"I...I really don't want to talk about it."
"It helps Kenny, no matter what." reassumed Charles.
"Well..." started off Kenneth. "As a child soldier..."
(Minutes later)
"...And that's my story. End." concluded Kenneth. He was careful to omitted main events during his life, such as training, tortures and weapons but the essence of the story was true; that he was an experimental soldier built for war.
"Thank you for sharing Kenneth." said Charles with a smile.
"And you're not worried one bit?"
"Not one."
Kenneth held out his left knuckles in a fist in the air. "Put'a there..." Charles stared at his arm, unsure of what to do.
"Just bump your knuckles with mine." Charles made a small fist, and bumped off with Kenneth.
"There you go..." chuckled Kenneth. Charles started laughing, embarrassed at how clueless he was.
"Alright everyone, into your seats now." announced Maya-sensei. The class quieted down.
"Alright everyone. We are training again with Class 2, get to the locker rooms now." said Chifuyu.
Some of the girls started whispering.
"What's going on?"
"Yeah we usually train with the other class on every other day. Not back to back."
0815 Hours-IS Academy-Stadium Battlegrounds
"I still say that you're holding out on us." mentioned Ichika. The three boys started towards the rest of the class.
"Yeah, how do you change so damn quickly?" added Kenneth.
"I don't know. I just do." Charles rolled his eyes.
The rest of the class started boarding on the mass produced Uchigane IS. Rin, Cecilia were already armored up. The boys quickly deployed their armors.
"Alright class." said Maya-sensei in her Raphael Revive, Chifuyu on the side "We will start off with..."
Before Maya continued, four cans dropped from the sky with a thud, surrounding the class. The students turned towards them. They suddenly exploded with a wispy smoke, surrounding the students.
"Students. Draw your weapons!" said Chifuyu, slightly hesitant.
"What's going on?" said Rin, and Cecilia in unison.
"What is smoke?" Charles asked.
"Kenny you have an idea...?" trailed Ichika.
Kenneth stood their frozen, mind wrapping around what was going on now. So it's today they choose... He closed his eyes.
"Hey what's the matter?" asked Ichika, noticing Kenneth's closed eyes.
A hum radiated from the clouds. Gathering the more echos the hum grew louder. The class nervously looked in the clouds. Suddenly an electronic voice came out of the miasma.
I'm swimming through the smoke... Of bridges I have burned...
"What's going on?" cried out Rin.
So don't apologize... I'm losing what I don't deserve...
Kenneth opened his eyes, singing, walking trace-like towards the edge of the visibility, eyes an ice grey..
"The blame is mine alone... Of bridges I have burned..."
"Buyuu, what are you doing?" commanded Chifuyu. Kenneth stopped a yard from the smoke, staring deep into it.
"So don't apologize... I'm losing what I don't deserve...
What I don't deserve."