I'm an idiot. I can't believe how stupid I am. I could blame the alcohol. Or I could blame that damn game we were all playing. But I can't. I can only blame myself.

I kissed Jess. And I didn't just casually give her a peck on the lips or some stupid little high school kiss. I kissed her with everything in me. All these months, all these feelings I've had toward her were expressed in that one kiss. I've never kissed any other woman like I kissed her tonight.

It all started out so innocently. I went with the guys to the bar to hopefully pick up a woman. Someone to temporarily make me forget all these feelings I have for Jess. Well of course Schmidt, Winston, and I all wanted the same person. Winston screwed up, he's had a lot of trouble with women lately. But Schmidt and I were neck to neck in the same race. I was starting to win when Jess called. I tried to ignore her but her pleading that she needed me did me over.

She suggested we all play "True American". Not a bad idea really. Until we were locked up in the same room, forced to kiss to be able to be let out. I caved in and tried to do it, but it was just too awkward. She kept telling me I was doing it wrong so I gave up. And then when she suggested we try again, I just couldn't. And then that stupid slip of the tongue: "Not like this." I mean seriously, what the hell was I thinking? She gave me the weirdest look too. It's not like I expected her to agree with me. It was a look of questioning and surprise, and perhaps even some slight amusement, almost as if she actually understood what I meant but couldn't believe I had actually said it. And then it went downhill even further. I mumbled some shit and then-I definitely do blame the alcohol this time-I went out her window and walked out on the ledge. Somehow, some way, that seemed like an easier alternative than explaining to her why I didn't want to kiss her then.

I look back on that, wondering why kissing her right then and there would have been such a problem. I've come to this conclusion: it wasn't the right timing. It's as simple as that. I've imagined our first kiss so many times, so many different scenarios, but never ever like that. I didn't want to be forced into it. I wanted her to be taken aback a little bit. "Wow Nick, I never saw that one coming." But if we kissed because of some stupid game, would I ever actually get to kiss her for real?

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. After that neighbor who took the best coat I've ever worn away from me, I decided to just go for it. I knew I was crossing a huge boundary for multiple reasons. Jess wasn't single-in fact, Sam was in the very next room. I was really putting myself out on a limb. And Jess would probably think I was crazy. But I just didn't care anymore. At least, not that moment. I had been such a coward all night. And not just tonight but this whole damn time. So before it was too late-before she walked back into her bedroom where that sorry good-for-nothing boyfriend of hers was waiting-I pulled her to me and kissed her. I put every ounce of passion that was in me into it. I expected many reactions…pushing me away, hitting me, yelling at me…but none of that happened. Instead, the unexpected happened. She kissed me back! Just as hard I might add. For those brief few seconds, she and I were in our own world and nothing else mattered. But no sooner that it had happened it ended. Classy guy that I am though, I briefly kissed her a couple more times and then did what any guy who just put himself out there would do-I mumbled some nonsense somewhere along the lines of "I meant something like that" and went straight to my room leaving Jess flabbergasted. At least that's the reaction I think it was. It wasn't disgust. It wasn't joy. It appeared to be some sort of shock mixed with what I was hoping was some kind of caring feelings.

So now I'm sitting in my room, wondering what's going to happen tomorrow. Have I completely ruined my friendship with the person I care about the most? Did she enjoy it as much as I did? Is this ever going to come up in any of our conversations or will it just vaporize into the night and leave our thoughts, at least enough to permanently avoid discussing it?