Warning: Lots and Lots of Angst Coming Up!
Chapter V: Harry's Cupboard (or A Safe Place)
Ron turned to Hermione with a self-conscious grin.
"I wish I'd eaten before we came up. I'm a bit peckish now. Maybe we could get a house elf to bring us something?"
"You most certainly will not Ronald Weasley! You stay with Harry and I'll go get something." He smiled gratefully at her.
"Thanks Luv." She leaned in for a kiss then quickly left the room. Ron turned back to Harry.
"She's one of a kind, that one. You were right back in forth year. I wish at times that it hadn't taken the two of us so long to figure ourselves out." He was quiet for a moment, trying to think, before continuing. "You know Mate, she misses you like crazy. We all do, even 'the Ice Prince' – and who would have ever thought that? We're so worried and we're all waiting for you to come back to us and … Mum needs you Harry – you don't even know about Ginny yet. We really do need you back here Mate."
Ron paused again for another moment to let this sink in. He hoped with all his might that Harry could hear him; that he could hear and understand them all. Hell! He would do or say just about anything to have his 'Best Mate' back.
"Here's the other thing, Harry. I don't know what's going on with you and Snape, but he's acting all weird and stuff. He seems to really be worried about you and …" Here Ron lowered his voice to a whisper. "… He called you 'Dearest' and ... he kissed you. I know you two have gotten on really well this year. It even seems as though you like and respect each other and all, but this is beyond the pale. In fact … if I didn't know better, I'd even think … he's … in love … with ... you."
These last few words slowly trailed off. They were no sooner out of his mouth when Ron was struck with this epiphany. His eyes grew comically wide with shock as he stared down at the still form of his best mate.
"Oh! Sweet Merlin's beard! It's true, isn't it? Now I've said it out loud, it all seems so real. It's the only explanation really and … wow … just wow! I think … I … I really need to talk to 'Mione … right now … oh … I just … listen, you'll be okay for a few minutes won't you Mate? I promise I'll be right back!"
Ron gave Harry's hand a squeeze then rushed from the room in a daze. The magnitude of it all had him practically staggering. His mind was so befuddled; all he could think of was his quest to find his own love.
~oo0oo~
As Fate would have predicted, with a roll of her eyes, Ron was gone much longer than he expected and so, over an hour later, Harry began to stir. He struggled his way back to consciousness, more than half hoping that somehow he was mistaken about what his nose was telling him. He had hoped to wake on the other side of the vale. He wanted so badly to see Sirius again and his parents. He had done his duty; made the world safe, now couldn't he have some peace for himself? Didn't he deserve that much?
Harry's heart sank when he opened his eyes to the blurry sight which was as familiar to him as the scents surrounding him. He was in the Hospital Wing, at Hogwarts!
While he had been unconscious and struggling, Harry was certain he'd heard words of compassion, and felt the warmth of love, encouraging him. But that couldn't have been real though? Surely, if that had been anything other than a creation of his baffled mind, he would not have awakened here, alone, would he?
With his heart and spirit sinking even further, Harry called on the only one he was certain would be pleased to see him.
"Dobby, are you there?" Though Harry's voice was barely a whisper, Dobby appeared instantly. His eyes were wide and watery at seeing his adored wizard.
"Oh! You is awake! Dobby is so pleased, so very happy to see you! Mister Harry Potter is such a brilliant wizard, all house elves is overjoyed that you is finally awake again!"
"Please Dobby, where are my robes?" Harry tried to smile at the little elf, but it came out more like a grimace. He was in a great deal of pain and his throat was parched and sore.
"Your robes is with all your things, in Gryffindor Tower, Sir!" As Dobby replied, he helped Harry to sit up enough to take a drink of water.
"No, the ones I was wearing when I was fighting Voldemort."
"Dobby is taking care of that robe himself, Sir. They is wanting to take it for the trophy room, but Dobby says 'No'. Dobby has cleaned and repaired it and returned it to Master Potions Professor's wardrobe." He smiled brightly, proud to have done a great service for his Harry Potter.
"No, Dobby I want it back."
"But, Harry Potter, Sir …"
"Please Dobby?" At the quiet plea, Dobby popped away and returned a moment later bearing the robe in question. Harry took the robe from Dobby and sighed in relief.
"Thank you Dobby." Clean though it may be, the robe still had that exotic scent of spices and potions ingredients, perhaps from hanging in Severus' wardrobe with his teaching robes. Although it had also been repaired, the hem had not been let out again. He wasn't even sure why he wanted it, but Harry was grateful that it still bore traces of the Potions Master. He clung to it for a while, before he began to struggle out of bed.
"No! Mister Harry mustn't be getting up. You is still not well." Even as he spoke, the elf helped his young wizard get to his feet and change into 'his' robe.
"It's okay Dobby, I just need some air. My legs ache to be moving." Without further word, Harry began to wander.
~oo0oo~
The Chosen One was mostly still delirious and wandered aimlessly, as well as slowly due to his wasted body. It did not take long for true despair to take hold of Harry's spirit. He was alone and unloved. He had committed a murder, and even if the world celebrated his actions, he could not. Voldemort may have been a monster, but in his frazzled mind Harry felt himself to be little better. He could not help but see it as premeditated murder. He'd been trained; groomed into a soldier (a weapon really) with one purpose: To kill the Dark Lord. It wasn't justifiable or self-defence, it was simply murder. The events of the past few days – that he could remember – weighed too heavily for Harry to see his way clear.
Pain began to eat away at him as Harry considered his isolation. He had thought he was loved – cherished even. He had dared to hope, only to find that he had been fooling himself. When he realized his folly, something inside him broke. Despite everything he had experienced since entering the Wizarding World, it all came back to his Aunt and Uncle's teachings. It had all been an allusion. He was still an ugly, worthless, little freak that no one could possibly care about. If that wasn't bad enough, he was a killer now as well. Love and tenderness were for others; he was simply unworthy of any such things.
Now that his mission had been accomplished he had nothing left. He was fine with it all the same, as he truly wanted nothing more than to go on to 'the next great adventure', preferably with his Godfather.
Harry had lost track of when and where he'd been drifting. All he knew was that he needed someplace quiet and safe to rest. The Castle answered his plea, when he unknowingly passed the portrait of 'Dancing Trolls in Tutus' for the third time. Harry's weakened and exhausted legs gave out from under him and when he tried to get himself up off the floor he saw it: His Cupboard!
~oo0oo~
Draco and Severus arrived back at the Hospital Wing, both physically and emotionally drained. Although he had no desire for Poppy's fussing, Severus looked for nothing more than to sink down into his (Hospital) bed and stare at Harry until sleep claimed him. Draco was at his Godfather's side to guide his faltering steps and make sure he had not overdone it that evening.
So, both were more than surprised when they found a quiet, Weasley-free infirmary. The reason for such a state became obvious almost immediately:
Harry's bed was empty!
For a moment, their hearts leapt at the thought of Harry finally being conscious and neither could wait to see and talk to him again. Reality however, quickly reared its ugly head. Even if he were awake, there was no way Harry would be up and about. He certainly was not well enough for that; Poppy was not likely to even let him go to the bathroom by himself yet.
"Poppy!" Severus tried to keep the anxiety from his voice as the Matron appeared. He quickly took in her hassled posture, confirming something was very wrong. "Where's Harry?"
"Oh! Severus, thank goodness you're back. Harry has disappeared and we've been unable to locate him yet!"
"What are you talking about woman? How the bloody hell could he just vanish? He was fucking comatose!"
"Please Madam Pomfrey." Draco stepped in before Severus could really lose his temper. "How could this have happened? We understood that Harry would not be left alone while we were gone."
"Miss Granger and Ronald Weasley were here with him while I was in the Great Hall, with the rest of the family, for a late dinner." Poppy pursed her lips (never a good sign) as though trying to control her own displeasure, and let out an agitated sigh. "Mr Weasley , apparently, had gotten hungry (she ignored the snort from Draco) and because Miss Granger refused to call upon a house elf, she went to get something for him. Sometime after she had gone Mr Weasley – for reasons he refuses to clarify – decided that he had to see her immediately. He says he didn't intend to be gone long, yet Mr Potter must have awoken during that time. Harry was gone when they returned."
"So," Draco spoke through gritted teeth. "Just so we're all clear on this: While they were off snogging somewhere, Harry finally came to, only to find himself all alone?"
"I assure you Mr Malfoy that certainly was nobody's intention."
"Yet it has happened! We have spent the last two days trying to convince Harry that he has every reason to live, that he has people here who care for him, love him and need him. Can you imagine what it must have been like for him, what he must have thought, when he awoke and found himself alone? We'll be bloody lucky if he hasn't thrown himself off the Astronomy Tower!"
At Severus' choked sob, Draco spun around. He reigned in his anger as he took in the devastation on his Godfather's face. He took Severus' elbow and gently led him to sit on his bed.
"I'm sorry Uncle. Now is not the time for this, I know. We have to think clearly enough to find him."
"The Weasleys have been looking for him for hours." Poppy spoke up, her face pale. "They have had no luck so far."
"Okay, just give me a minute to clear my head. I'll think of something." Draco sat beside his Godfather and tried to clear his mind – not an easy task after just having buried his own parents. After a moment he looked up; his eyes clear.
"Yes! Dobby!" Instantly the odd little elf appeared.
"Yes Master Draco, how is Dobby helping you sir?"
"Dobby, do you know what's happened to Harry? Where is he?"
"Dobby knows not Sir. Mister Harry Potter is waking up, making all house elves very happy and asking Dobby for robes. Mister Harry Potter then goes for a walk even though Dobby tells him he is too sick."
"Did he leave the castle?" Dobby disappeared for a moment, and then he was back, shaking his head miserably. "No Master Draco. Mister Harry Potter is still at Hogwarts, but we knows not where." At this the little elf began to wring his hands together and his huge eyes began to water. Draco saw his distress and he knelt down, as he'd seen Harry do on numerous occasions, to deal with Dobby before he got too out of hand.
"It's okay Dobby. You're doing a great job, but I still need your help. Harry needs your help. You have to stay calm for him!"
"Yes Master Draco."
"Good. Now what can you tell me about Harry's 'spare bit of parchment' ?"
"Oh! Master Draco!" Dobby's eyes lit up with excitement. "It is in Mister Harry Potter's trunk, in his tower."
"Fantastic Dobby, can you retrieve it for me?"
"But Sir …"
"Please Dobby, you know it's important. We must find Harry as quickly as possible. Even though he's awake, he is far from better and this is our best hope."
"Yes Sir. Dobby wants to help good Mister Harry Potter!" Again the house elf disappeared from view to reappear a moment later. He was clutching the worn piece of parchment. Draco gently pried it from his shaking hand.
"Thank you Dobby. You have done a splendid service to your wizard."
Dobby's only response was to smile brightly; his little face was full of pleasure at the praise, and the chance to do a service worthy of his beloved Mister Harry Potter. He popped away without further word., as Draco grabbed a tray and smoothed out the parchment onto the trays surface. Severus came out of his distracted state enough to recognize that particular 'spare bit of parchment'.
"Really Draco, is this an appropriate time to be messing about with a bit of parchment that insults people?" Draco smirked impishly and pulled out his wand.
"Oh! Uncle, our little Harry clearly has not shared all of his secrets with you. Just watch, you'll love this." He pressed his wand tip to the parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!"
Severus watched as spidery lines made their way across the parchment, starting outward from the tip of Draco's wand. Curly green words began to form across the top of the parchment.
Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief Makers
Are proud to present …
"Yes, yes," Severus began impatiently, "I was already aware that those fools had managed a way to insult me from beyond the grave!"
"No Uncle, watch closely." Severus' eyes widened as those spidery lines continued to spread all over the surface of the parchment.
THE MARAUDERS' MAP
In moments the map had completed itself. Every detail of Hogwarts Castle and grounds appeared. It was complete with tiny labelled dots showing the whereabouts of the castles current residents. Despite the gravity of the situation, Severus could not help but be impressed: Gits they may have been, but they were clever.
"It shouldn't be too hard to find Harry now," Draco spoke with a bit of a smile. "with so few people in the school at the moment."
As one, they bent their heads to study the map. Almost everyone present in the castle appeared to be wandering around, obviously searching for Harry as well. No sooner had they realized that there was no dot labelled 'Harry Potter', Severus and Draco noticed that most of the Weasleys were congregated together.
"What's going on there?" At Severus' inquiry, Draco studied the map for another moment.
"That's the corridor outside the 'Room of Requirements'."
"I don't see Harry there."
"No, you wouldn't if he is actually in the room. No one shows up when they're in there. It's part of the magic of the room. As long as the door's closed, no one can see it, not even the map and the house elves can find it."
"They must be there for a reason as the whole family appears to be present." Severus' sighed in frustration, "There has to be an indication that Harry's inside."
"But the room is concealed if it's occupied."
" 'If the door's closed', you said. Perhaps he's left the door open."
"There's only one way to find out." Draco pointed his wand at the map again. "Mischief Managed." The map cleared while Draco looked up at his Godfather's pale and drawn, but determined, expression. "Are you up for a trek across the castle Uncle?"
"Bloody right I am!" Without waiting for further word from his Godson, Severus swept from the room. Amazingly, he somehow managed his usual billowing grace as Draco fell into step at his elbow, just in case.
~oo0oo~
Upon approaching the Weasley Clan, they all seemed to be at a loss.
"What in the name of Merlin is going on here?" Severus spoke harshly, then before anyone could reply, he turned and pinned Ron and Hermione his deadliest glare. "You two will answer to me later!" They both paled but remained silent.
"Now, now Severus," Arthur Weasley came to his son's defence. "Don't be too hard on them; after all, it was Ronald and Hermione who thought to look in this place."
"Just explain this gathering to us, please?" Draco stepped in again, before Severus' temper got any worse.
"It appears Harry is in that room …" Charlie had been the first to relocate his wits under Snape's scrutiny. "But, we haven't been able to get inside."
"I … I … I'm not sure how," Ron began anxiously, "but when I paced by asking for Harry, that door showed up. It's closed, though, so I'm not sure …" He trailed off as Severus and Draco turned to the wall indicated. The look on Severus' face (as he recognised the door from countless visions of it during Harry's lessons), was enough to scare even those who had never been one of his students.
"Do you not recognize that door, woman?" Severus' angry eyes met Hermione's.
"No. Why, should I?"
"What are you on about Severus?" Arthur asked.
"That's the cupboard from the Dursley's house, where they locked up Harry's school things …" Fred began.
"We had to pick the lock when we went there, to get Harry, before his second year." George continued.
"You mean, you don't know?" Draco was the first to find his voice as he and Severus looked at the rest of the clan, all of whom wore puzzled expressions.
"He mustn't have been hiding this from just me." Severus replied for them.
"Wait! What was he hiding from us?"
"Come on Bill! Why would the Room of Requirements provide a door of that shape – that door with the lock on the outside – if it was simply a cupboard?" Draco demanded; his own temper was beginning to fray. "That's where they locked him in every night!"
"It was his bedroom for ten years. They locked him in whenever they felt like it: When he was being punished, or whenever they simply wanted to pretend he didn't exist, which was all too often."
"Severus, surely that can't be right?" Molly's look of horror demonstrated her earnest wish for this to be a mistake. Deep down however, she couldn't deny that it was real.
"Don't be ridiculous! I saw it when we resumed our occlumency training last year. That's how I finally recognized he was capable of learning the skill."
"What do you mean by that Professor?"
"It was when I broke through to his memories of severe abuse that I realized Harry had actually been hiding these things from me all along. It was rudimentary, yet an effective form of occlumency."
"It's also why Uncle fought so hard – and went to such extremes – to have Harry stay here at school last summer. Under the guise of training he was able to keep Harry away from those people. It's also why …" Draco made to continue, but Severus interrupted impatiently.
"Now is not the time for any of this! We must get him out of there!"
"We've tried everything we can think of. None of us can gain access to the room, or even get closer to the door."
"We must be missing something. How is it that we can even see the door?" Draco couldn't hide his confusion; he knew how this wasn't how the room worked.
"I guess we hadn't considered that." Before Percy could elaborate, they were startled by the Headmaster's arrival.
"Alas, I have. I've managed to communicate with the castle. Hogwarts wanted us to find that door. She is also concerned about Harry's well-being."
"Yet, she won't let us in?" Percy asked, confused even further.
"She cannot override Harry's wards. He's very powerful, as you all know. We must wait until he has exhausted his magic enough to weaken the wards."
"But, he's so sick and weak already!" Hermione was barely unable to contain her tears.
"Is there nothing we can do?" Bill asked anxiously. "I'm a curse-breaker for crying out loud!"
"She suggests that perhaps Severus may have some access."
"But Headmaster …" Ron paused; they all fell silent when Severus simply walked up to the door and turned the handle. The door opened immediately. In the hushed stillness they were able to see inside the small space, which clearly showed that it was the underside of a staircase.
There, on a thin mattress on the floor, Harry lay curled up into a tiny ball. He was as far under the 'steps' as he could manage. The sight seemed to spur Molly's maternal instincts: She rushed forward, only to hit a barrier that lit up as she touched it. Then, without harming her, it slipped back into invisibility when she backed away.
With a quick look from his Godfather, Draco helped him to slowly lower himself to the floor. Severus then crawled in, to the shaking boy's side. He did his best to keep his voice soft and reassuring, as Dumbledore cast a quick eavesdropping charm.
"What are you doing Harry?"
Without opening his eyes, Harry replied in a surprisingly clear voice.
"I'm just taking your advice Professor." His spoke barely above a whisper.
"What advice is that?"
"I tried to find a dark corner Sir, but I couldn't. I don't know how, but I somehow found my cupboard instead."
The stillness was broken by Severus' sharp intake of breath. Frantic looks were exchanged in the hallway. They had all heard Snape chastise Harry before the final battle. Each and every one of them knew what the reference to a 'dark corner' meant.
"Your cupboard?" Severus had to struggle to keep his voice steady.
"I think I prefer it really." Harry spoke again in a voice devoid of life. "It's where I started out, after all, I guess it's as good a place as any to end up."
"Harry, please … I didn't mean …"
"No, but you did Professor, that's the thing. It's all I deserve really. Aunt Petunia was right about me; I've always known it. But it's okay, because Voldemort is gone, you're free and everyone is safe now. I'm going to see Sirius."
"Sirius?"
"He loves me, you know. He has to, because he's my Godfather."
"Harry, I …"
"Don't you dare say you care, because I know it's not true. It's my own fault, I guess, but you were so tender and loving that I forgot, that's all."
"What is it that you forgot Harry?"
"That I don't deserve it; that there's nothing about me to love. Such a gentle hand is wasted on me."
"That's not true …"
"It is and you know it too. You weren't making love to me, you said it yourself. 'Just two warriors engaged in a century's old tradition, indulging in a little sexual release before a great battle'. I thought because you were so … no … it doesn't matter what I thought. You saw my mother's eyes. You did what anyone would have done. You took what you expected to be your last chance to be with Lily Evans."
"No, no … Harry …" Harry interrupted again, his voice still lifeless.
"It's okay Sir, I understand. But, you must be quiet now. I can't hear the Grim with all this prattling."
"The Grim is not coming for you."
"He is, don't you get it? It's Padfoot. He'll come."
"You can't go with him Harry. You have to stay here."
"Why Professor? So I can continue in this pathetic existence: A worthless freak? No thank you." Harry turned his head slowly; just enough for Severus to finally see into green eyes that were as lifeless as the voice which accompanied them. "Even worthless freaks get lonely and want to be loved. My parents and Sirius …"
"There are plenty here who love you. They're outside that door, praying for you to return to them!"
"Outside that door?" That was the first time since he'd entered the cramped little space that Severus could detect anything but hopelessness in Harry's manner.
"Yes! Harry, right now, I …"
Though Harry had never raised his voice above a whisper during their entire conversation, he still sounded so defeated, as though Death had already come for him. Those dull green eyes met black again.
"No. I can't see you anymore, I need to be alone. Sirius is waiting, you see, just for me. He may not come if you're here."
"I can't leave you here …"
"Get out."
With a choked sob and a bang, the cupboard door was shut, with Severus on the other side. Unknowingly imitating Harry's stance of only days ago, Severus sat there, staring with his knees pulled to his chest, waiting for the door to open once more.
Absolute stillness filled the corridor. All any of them could do was wait helplessly, as they felt the wards gradually weaken. It was as though they could feel Harry's life and magic slowly ebbing from him, until the wards finally broke.
Draco was the first one inside the small space. With George's help he was able to get Harry out into the hallway. Draco could barely feel a faint heartbeat through the thin back as he hoisted Harry more comfortably into his arms. He turned toward the Hospital Wing when Severus reached out, needing to know if Harry was still alive. Angry mercury eyes stopped him.
"Don't you touch him!" Clutching Harry close to his chest, Draco turned away.
Severus stared ahead, unseeingly as a much shaken Molly and Arthur took a look into the tiny space their precious child had been consigned to. Sobbing and holding her husband for support, Molly was led away.
"Come along my boy. I'm quite sure it'll all work out in the end." Dumbledore's gentle hand took Severus' elbow as they also turned toward Madam Pomfrey's domain.
~oo0oo~
NB: So, yeah … Lots of angst! But hey, I warned you! Hope you enjoyed it.
- Belldandy
~oo0oo~
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Potterverse! I don't have to tell you who this belongs to , do I?
~oo0oo~