Dearest

by Belldandy123

Could Harry ever forgive Severus for a mistake uttered in a moment of passion? Snarry, 7th year, AU after Book 5, Non-explicit BoyXBoy, Non-explicit Violence.

9. Chapter 9 Beloved

Chapter VIX: Beloved

It was some time before Severus was able to pull himself together and gather the strength to return to the infirmary. When he finally arrived, he noticed the privacy screen, and then approached Madam Pomfrey. She greeted him with her usual cheer.

"Good Evening Severus. I'm pleased that you've made it back in to see how he's doing, now that he's awake. I think you'll find Harry will be pleased as well."

"I was by earlier, Poppy, but I was reluctant to interrupt the conversation you and Harry were engaged in at the time."

"Oh, I see. Well, we're finished now, so …"

Unconcerned with his rudeness, Severus interrupted the Mediwitch.

"Why Poppy, was I not mentioned in that impassioned speech you gave to Mr Potter?"

"It is because your interactions with Harry are an entirely different situation. I feel free, if not entitled, to discuss Harry's family and friends with him, as I very much consider myself among them. He is in a desperate state Severus, and I'll not withhold something which is in my power to provide. If this helping hand comes in the form of a much needed pep talk, then I am more than happy to give it. Yet it is not my place to say anything to him with regards to you as that is between the two of you and no one else."

"I see."

"Don't despair Severus. If you overheard our conversation, then you know that it was you whom I spoke of when I mentioned the one other student I've grown so fond of. I understand that the two of you are at a bit of an impasse at the moment, but I would not dream of interfering. I treasure you both and, yes I would love you two to work this out, but it is not my business to project any of my feelings in this regards onto him for fear of misinterpretation and making things worse."

He thought about that for a moment. "In that case, I thank you." Severus gave a slight bow in appreciation to her and met her eyes in understanding.

Without another word, Severus left Poppy's office, approached Harry's bedside, and prepared himself for whatever may come.

~oo0oo~

"Harry."

Harry's head snapped up and his eyes narrowed, but he said nothing.

"I overheard your conversation with Poppy earlier, and I would very much appreciate the opportunity to add something."

"No!" Speaking to Severus for the first time since that disastrous evening, Harry's voice was irate, even if it was quiet. "You have said enough and frankly I cannot endure any more of your venom. If you think that weak of me, I simply do not care." By the time he'd finished speaking; his voice was even quieter than when he'd begun. Once said, Harry rolled onto his side; his back to Severus.

Severus had known this wouldn't be easy. He knew Harry's hostility came from his aching heart, and Severus could certainly understand, but he would not be discouraged. Now was the time to start to make amends.

"Harry, I know that I've said and done some dreadful things, but this you must know … I'm in love with you."

Harry whipped back around as quickly as his tired, aching body would allow. He stared at Severus with wide, horrified eyes.

"What?"

When Severus came close enough to the bed, Harry lashed out. In spite of his weakened state, Harry struck Severus with enough force so that he staggered back a couple step. The sound of the slap all echoed in the quiet of the infirmary.

"Bloody hell!"

Harry saw the bright red handprint blooming on Severus' cheek with some satisfaction; only half regretting that he hadn't close his fingers into a fist. It was a bit cliché perhaps, but he simply didn't have the strength for any of this and the ache in his heart was too unbearable.

Severus, for his part, made no other sound after his initial astounded outcry. Shocked though he was, he could see the utter agony in Harry's eyes; agony that Severus himself had put there. Harry was a fierce warrior, to be sure, but that had been from necessity. Despite his training, the boy was a very gentle person (who had no taste for violence) and to have been brought to physical blows was without doubt a sign of the sheer anguish he was going through. Severus sighed quietly, he knew what he had put his dearest through - was still putting him through now - and he also knew he deserved so much more than a simple slap. He would take it, and any more Harry had to dish out, for the chance to reconcile with his beloved.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Severus Snape swallowed his pride. He met Harry's gaze resolutely and tried to approach him again.

"I love you."

"No!" Harry jumped away so quickly that he actually fell out of the bed. Indifferent to the added pain, he struggled to his feet even before Severus could get all the way around the bed to help him. Harry backed away as though Severus' touch would be the end of him.

"You miserable fucking bastard!" Harry trembled even as his eyes stung with tears. "How dare you say that? That's cold and heartless even for you."

"I say it because it's true Little One." He reached out to touch Harry's face, but his hand was slapped away.

"Don't you touch me!" Harry backed away. "Don't call me that, I mean nothing to you!"

"You are precious to me." Severus' voice was calm and steady, belying the turmoil he felt inside.

"Well that's just too fucking bad, because the feeling is not mutual. I hate you!" His breathing was ragged so Harry had to lean against the wall for support.

"As well you should. But know this; it'll not change my affections for you."

"You're lying! You used me as a convenient substitute for my mother. I was so stupid and naive to believe it was what I wanted it to be. Well, no more! Go find yourself another pathetic fool, this one's used up, so get the hell away from me and don't come back!"

Like the pathetic fool that he truthfully believed himself to be, Harry sank to the floor. Leaning against the bed, he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and then dropped his forehead onto his knees as he tried to hold his grief inside. His thin body shook with silent tears; a lifetime of conditioning had taught him to stay quiet (Uncle Vernon used the belt if he disturbed the family). Silent or not, the tears did not lessen the agony coursing through his chest. It was unbearable, and he found himself once again praying for Sirius to come for him.

Severus watched helplessly as Harry curled in on himself to seek his own comfort. The anguish in his own chest grew into an insufferable ache with each tremble of the frail body in front of him, yet not a sound was heard. Severus lowered himself to the floor and watched. He yearned to take Harry into his arms, but he dared not.

The Potions Master knew he deserved to be punished for what he'd done to this young man. His cruel words and actions, while meant to protect, had nearly devastated this one whom he loved so much. Yet, it seemed that trying to fix things between them was only causing Harry further pain. Severus vowed, then and there, that no matter how much it hurt, no matter how long it took, he would make this better for Harry. He would take away all of the anguish and misery and replace it with love and warmth. He would make it their future, no matter what!

So, Severus sat on the cold floor and watched over his Harry throughout the night. For hours the ache in his chest increased with each silent tremor from Harry's shaking form. He paid no mind to his own tears, when Harry crawled, slowly and painfully, under the bed and curled up into that little ball again.

Knowing he could not approach, Severus managed to levitate a blanket from the bed and draped it over Harry when it became clear that the boy had cried himself to sleep. Severus hated himself at the thought of how many times Harry must have done this in his short life, so he ignored his own discomfort and continued to watch over him as the room began to lighten with the coming of dawn.

~oo0oo~

When Remus arrived it was to this very sight: Harry curled up under the bed, with Severus sat cross-legged on the floor a few feet away. Though his eyes never left Harry, Severus sensed Lupin's presence.

"Severus, why haven't you moved him onto the bed?"

"He wouldn't let me near." Severus responded in a whisper. Trying not to anger, Remus also whispered.

"Are you not a wizard? Have you no wand?"

"That's how I was able to get the blanket over him. That was the best I could manage without waking him, or angering him further."

"What happened here Severus?" Remus' voice was filled with concern, though it was unclear if he was anxious for Harry or Severus or both of them.

The darker wizard's only reply was to shake his head. This was between Harry and himself and everyone else had already been privy to far too much of their personal life.

"Get out Severus."

"I will not."

Remus sighed in exasperation and decided to simply ignore Severus' presence for now. He crouched down to check on Harry and found those beautiful green eyes wide open, and filled with unimaginable heartache.

"Will you not come out Sweetheart?" Remus kept his voice soothing and quiet, as though he were addressing a frightened animal.

When Harry's only response was to close his eyes and shake his head, Remus followed his instincts. He crawled under the bed with his Cub and curled himself protectively around him.

Feeling those warm strong arms around him, Harry began to sob as he clung to his Godfather. Remus pulled him tighter and kissed his head.

"It's all right my Cub. We'll get through this, I promise." Again he kept his voice soft and gentle. He was startled to hear Harry's trembling whisper.

"Why did Padfoot make me come back? I wanted so badly to stay." It almost ruined Remus to hear his Cub so defeated, his voice so full of anguish.

"I know Luv, believe me I know. But, we're not ready to let you go yet. We need you too much."

"How can I go on when every breath I take is more painful than the one before it?"

"You just keep taking those breaths Cub, one at a time."

"But, I don't want to Moony. It's the only way I've survived my whole life and I'm just very, very tired."

"It will get better Cub, I promise."
"I can't do it anymore. I want to be with Sirius."

"Why Sirius?" Remus tried to take another approach.

"He loves me." Despite the aching in his own chest, Remus continued.

"Do you not think I do?" Harry shook his head, unable to voice his doubts. "Why not? Have I never shown you enough?"

"I'm a worthless freak. There's nothing about me to love, I don't deserve it.

"Oh, Harry." As he increased his hold on his Cub, Remus didn't know who he hated more; himself for not being there for Harry, or those bitter, cruel Muggles who so carefully taught him to hate himself and believe himself so worthless.

"Is that why Sirius loved you?"

Instead of showing Harry that he could be loved, Remus' statement had the opposite effect. Harry tried to pull away, but being too weak to battle a werewolf, he wasn't able to pull completely out of Remus' arms. His sobs increased.

"Was I wrong about Sirius too? Didn't he love me? Is that why he wouldn't let me stay? He … he said he loved me … he told me … he did …"

"Of course he did Little One. After all those years in Azkaban ravaged him so, you were the one who gave him life again. He was my mate, but he and I were connected on a different level. You're our Cub. Only you Harry, only you could restore what he lost those twelve horrific years. He loved you more than life itself, as do I. I truly love you Cub, as do a great deal of people."

"But, Moony … Sev … Prof … Snape …" Harry simply found himself too distraught to even say Severus' name, in any form.

Remus (and Severus) had a lot to deal with, but they both knew they were at the root of the problem now and would address it head on.

"Let's talk about that, shall we Sweetheart?" Harry shook his head.

"You don't know … what he did … what he said …"

"No Cub, indeed I do not, although I have a fairly good idea. But I do know what Padfoot said."

"Padfoot?"
"Yes Luv. He came to me, as he did you. He told me to be easy on Severus. Why do you think he'd tell me that? We both know that in life Sirius disliked Severus a great deal,"

"No." Harry shook his head again. "He said he didn't anymore, because he knows so much more now."

"Yes Harry, and what else did he say to you?"
"He said … Sirius said … he …"

"Go ahead Cub, you can say it."

"Sirius said that Severus … that he … needed me, that he was waiting for me … and that … he never left me."

"Indeed he did not. He's been here every moment he could be. They practically had to drag him off to teach his classes, but then he's right back here." Remus allowed himself a small chuckle. "Which, I might add, his students are loving, since he's been assigning next to no homework."

"Really?" Harry sniffled, tears tapering off.

"Absolutely."

"Just my luck to miss out on that!" Remus took heart in the lightened mood.

"I know you doubted Sirius for a moment, but that is down to you, not him. Those Muggles have devastated your self-image Harry. You have no idea how very dear you are to so many people. Now that all this Voldemort shite is behind us, we're going to work on that."

"No, but Remus …"

"It's okay Cub, we'll work on it. In the meantime know that I love you very much and Sirius loved you to distraction. He would never lie to you, would he?"

"No."

"So, what else did he tell you?"

"He said to give Severus a chance, to let him explain himself."

"That's pretty much what he said to me as well. I've taken his advice Cub, and I've not regretted it. Shouldn't you?"

"I … It hurts so much Remus. I don't know how I can bring myself to try."

"I have faith in you my Cub. Sirius and I both do." They were both quiet for a time. As Remus held onto his Cub, Harry calmed down, but continued to cling to him. Finally he spoke in a very small voice.

"Moony ..?"

"Yes, my Cub?"

"May I … will you stay with me?" Harry's soft voice was tentative and insecure.

"I'll never leave you, Cub. You can tell me anything."

Harry remained quiet for a little while longer. He buried his face even further into Remus' chest and took a deep breath, bracing himself.

"I love you, Remus John Lupin."

Though Remus thought his heart would break at Harry's obvious fear of rejection, he rejoiced all the same. Harry hadn't given in to his fear. They still had a long way to go, but his Cub was on his way back, for real this time. Remus tightened his arms around his wonderful Cub and kissed his head.

"As I love you, my Cub."

At that declaration, all of the tension left Harry's body and he snuggled into the comforting embrace of his Godfather. It didn't take long for Harry to slip into a quiet dream-free sleep.

When he thought it safe to do so without waking Harry, Remus maneuvered them out from under the bed. Once he had them both comfortable in the bed he was surprised to find that Severus was still in the infirmary.

Severus was still sat there, unmoving, on the floor. Instead of the pained, haunted look that he'd worn when Remus arrived, Severus now looked devastated. Remus spoke quietly, so as not to wake Harry.

"Severus, it's good news. Harry will listen to you now."

As he rose to his feet, Severus simply shook his head. The words still echoed in his mind …

~ 'I love you, Remus John Lupin.' ~

~ 'I love you, Severus Tobias Snape.' ~

… only his response had not been loving and gentle, as the werewolf's had been. No! Severus had foolishly felt that he must be hateful and cruel, and so he was. Harry would never forgive him, nor should he. As though he had read his mine, Remus looked at Severus in sympathy.

"Don't give up on him now Severus. You've come too far to give up now, don't you think."

"I have classes."

~oo0oo~

Draco arrived not long after Severus' quiet exit. He gave Harry a kiss and a whispered 'Good Morning Baby', without disturbing him and took a seat. He kept his voice low as he addressed Remus.

"How's he doing Remus?"

"As you can see; resting now, but he appears to have spent the night on the floor, under the bed." Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever happened?"

"I'm not entirely sure. As near as I can figure, Severus tried to talk to him, but only succeeded in upsetting him further."

"I'm not surprised. I knew Severus wanted to talk to him, so when he didn't show yesterday, I figured he was waiting until he could speak to Harry in private."

"Well, Harry and I have talked. I think Severus will have a better reception when he tries again."

"Let's hope so: For both their sakes."

Remus couldn't agree more, although he also hoped that Severus tried again tonight and did not put it off. Harry was very skittish right now, and a delay could splinter what little confidence he had at the moment.

By the time Ron and Hermione arrived for their 'before class visit', Harry was sitting up and trying to choke back a light breakfast.

~oo0oo~

The day passed, not like the previous day, but as it had in the preceding weeks. Harry's company came in pairs throughout the day stayed for a pleasant visit. This kept his day quiet, and restful, though he had not much sleep.

Remus and Draco stayed with Harry until Severus arrived after dinner. Draco rose, gave Harry a kiss, and then approached his Godfather. They spoke quietly for a few minutes as Harry and Remus said their 'Good-Byes'. As they finished speaking, Draco kissed Severus' cheek and then left.

Remus, after kissing his Cub 'Good Night', simply smirked at Severus on his way out. Harry took note of the entire exchange, but said nothing.

Despite his queasy stomach, Severus had decided to play this out as ordinarily as possible. He'd spent the last two days in Purgatory, and during that time he concluded this to be the best course of action, at least to get things started. Just as he had done every day since waking from the final battle, Severus strode over to Harry, gave him a gentle kiss, and then he sat down on the bed.

"Good Evening Dearest." He took Harry's hand in his own as he spoke.

Harry just blinked at him in wide-eyed astonishment. He knew Severus was never one for displays of affection, especially with him, and yet the endearment touched something within him: It sounded so familiar. Not trusting his voice, he waited for Severus to speak.

"Would you allow me to explain?" Although his voice sounded calm, Severus felt unusually anguished. Harry simply nodded. Severus took this as a good sign, perhaps the day had allowed both their tempers to cool.

"I panicked."

Harry raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

"I know that doesn't sound like me, and indeed under normal circumstances it is not, but this was something else. I felt that you needed a clear head, free from distractions, in order to accomplish what you must. I said those reprehensible lies to make you hate me. I didn't want you to worry about my welfare on the battlefield. I also thought that the hate and anger would fuel your strength against the Dark Lord and help ensure your victory. I was wrong, I know that, and I can't say enough how much I regret ..."

"The flaw in your logic is that it did not make me hate you." Harry fought to control his voice, but when his shimmering eyes met Severus' he could not hide his agony, despite his efforts. "Nothing could do that – it simply devastated me."

Severus wanted desperately to pull Harry into his arms, to take away as much of that devastation as he could, but he feared to only make things worse, so he settled for kissing Harry's hand.

"Believe me Little One; Draco has taken great pains to point out my folly. All I wanted was to ensure your survival, even if it meant you would hate me. If your affections for me were the cost of your life, I was willing to pay it. I thought I knew best and I could not see beyond that ..." He trailed off, for once Severus was unsure of what to say. Harry's soft voice penetrated his thoughts.

"It may have worked if I could have hated you. But I couldn't survive that, I couldn't … I cannot live with your rejection, nor do I want to." His phrasing was awkward, hesitant and unsure. Harry knew he'd never have Severus' command of the English language, so it was the best he could do to make himself understood.

None-the-less, Severus did understand. He'd already thrown his pride to the wind last evening (and he had spent the night on the floor doing penance as a result), so he cared not for letting Harry see his anguish. He met those incredible verdant eyes with a bravery that would do a Gryffindor proud.

"I know this now and believe me; I have spent the past few weeks trying to right this terrible wrong. There will never be enough punishment in the world to make amends. If you can't ever forgive me I will understand, you must know this though …" Severus paused to drop his occlumency shields so Harry could be in no doubt as of his sincerity.

"I love you, Harry James Potter, more than I can ever express; with everything I am. You are more to me than anything in this entire world. I know I've wounded you and I will do anything and everything to make this up to you. I will never, ever stop loving you.

"Despite the vocabulary at my disposal, making love with you was more precious than I can find the words for. If it must, that moment will carry me for the rest of my life. Even if you can't forgive me and even if it has to be from afar, I will continue to love and cherish you forever."

Every fibre of his being was so consumed with Harry and the tears that were trailing down his face that Severus had no awareness of his own free falling tears. Without breaking eye contact, Severus kissed Harry's hand again and waited … for Harry's next words would make or break him. So Severus waited …

Harry's own shields had long since collapsed under the sheer magnitude of the emotion that came at him from the wizard in front of him. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice was laughing, screaming: 'I was right! He was making love to me! He does cherish me!' The conscious part of his mind though, was still struggling to accept what he'd been hearing and feeling from Severus.

"Say it again?" Though his voice was a barely-choked-out whisper, Severus heard and he did not hesitate.

"I love you, Harry James Potter."

Without warning Harry threw himself at Severus and buried his face in his neck. Neither made any attempt to hold back.

"Really?"

"Truly Dearest, I do love you!"

At the repeated declaration, Harry began to sob so hard that Severus feared he would need a calming draft. Instead, he simply held on for dear life. Severus rocked him gently and rubbed Harry's back. He ran his other hand through Harry's hair to calm and comfort him as much as possible. It was quite some time before either found their voices again.

"Could I … may I call you 'Severus' again?"

Harry's voice was shy and unsteady, but Severus couldn't help but smile. Their relationship was far from perfect, but they were well on their way to getting there, and Severus was adamant in his vow to do everything he could to make it so.

"You may call me anything you want Dearest, it matters not!" At Harry's half laugh, half sob, Severus tightened his hold.

"Please?" Again, Severus did not hesitate to answer Harry's plea. He had the distinct feeling that he would be repeating this declaration very, very often, but he would comply each and every time. Hopefully for the rest of his life!

"I love you Dearest Beloved, truly I love you."

To Severus' surprise, Harry pulled back to take his face between this hands. They both tried to ignore the younger man's trembling as their eyes met. Intuitively, Severus knew …

"I love you, Harry James Potter."

There was hesitation on Harry's behalf, but he swallowed his fear, none-the-less, his voice was but a whisper.

"I love you, Severus Tobias Snape."

Harry's efforts were rewarded when Severus lowered his head for an all-consuming, devouring kiss to end all kisses. When they broke for air, Harry buried his face in Severus' neck once more – it was quickly becoming one of his favourite places. Again his voice was haltering, shy and unsure.

"Will you … make love to me?"

Severus held that thin, trembling form as tightly as he dared. His heart was filled with such radiance, as he kissed Harry's head, that he was uncertain if he could keep it from bursting.

"Not again Dearest, until we are properly wed: Bonded, as our souls are meant to be. Harry's breath hitched at those gentle words. "It is no less than you deserve Little One."

Harry's sobbing resumed as Severus continued to hold him dearly. Though words escaped him, Harry felt his shattered heart begin to mend and he finally let go of his grief.

Just before Harry drifted off, he was sure he heard Severus sulk to himself.

"I suppose I'll have to make room somewhere in my quarters for that crazy elf of yours." Harry smiled softly and mumbled sleepily.

"Wouldn't go anywhere without him."

Severus returned the soft smile, kissed Harry on the neck while held onto his beloved as though he would never let him go again – as was indeed the case. When he felt Harry's delicate form relax into sleep, Severus made them both more comfortable in the bed and joined him in his slumber.

~oo0oo~

Poppy dabbed joyful tears from her own eyes and re-set the privacy charms around Harry's bed. She stepped quietly back into her office and placed the vile of calming draft onto the proper shelf and retired for the evening with a smile and a light heart. Her boys were in good hands … Everything would be all right!

~oo0oo~

END

~oo0oo~

This story is now complete, but I shall be posting a short overview of the back story just to fill in any gaps that may have been left. Let me know before tomorrow if there is anything that you feel has not been covered so far, and I shall try to include it in the overview.

-Belldandy

~oo0oo~

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Potterverse! I'm just taking them on a play date; I'll return them to the Scottish Blonde when they've had their fun!

~oo0oo~

This story was inspired by this amazing artwork:

Stability by ~tripperfunster

~oo0oo~