My Best Friend's Wedding
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. I'm just playing in Victor Hugo's sandbox.
AN: I want to thank everyone who reviewed and/or thought that this was interesting enough to follow. This chapter is dedicated to my friend Mary, for always being there with comments and suggestions when I'm a dork and need help. She was also nice enough to look this chapter over! Yay Mary!
Chapter one: In for a surprise
You are cordially invited
To the wedding of
Marius Sebastian Pontmercy
Cosette Michelle Fauchelevent
"What the actual flying fuck?" is her perfect ladylike reaction to the invitation.
This is the last thing that she needs today, because her day at work has been positively terrible and her boss tried to hit on her again and the thought of Marius calling her soon was basically the only reason for making it through the day. Her twenty-eighth birthday was only a month away, and she was waiting for him to keep his promise.
But apparently he had forgotten all about the promise they made.
"Asshole," another curse word slips past her lips.
She had been doing so well on the scaling back with that, but of course all of her progress is forgotten with a single message from Marius. This is not the first time that she has gotten her hopes up over the last few years when it comes to the promise – it has started happening more and more over the last year. She was so close.
Once again happily ever after is not in her grasp.
There is also an RSVP notice in the envelope, and that makes her even more resentful of her dear old friend Marius and his stupid lady friend. She has been so busy waiting for Marius to finally notice her that she has had no time to try to find someone else to come with her to this stupid wedding – and she is damn sure that she is not going to go there alone and wait for the pitying looks that everyone will surely give her.
The only good thing about Marius giving this epic party is that there will be plenty of alcohol there – unless R is in grand form again and drinks the town dry.
That makes her remember: the Amis! Of course Marius' old college friends will all be present at the festivities. That means that she will not have to be totally alone, but it also means that there will be more men to either pity her over her obvious crush on Marius – most of the guys figured it out within a week of meeting her – or to roll their eyes at her inability to get over Marius 'Dumbass' Pontmercy.
She makes a mental list of all of the Amis and their respective love lives, because at least one of these guys has to be dateless enough to go with her to this shindig.
R Grant – finally has a serious relationship after years of pining over one of his close friends. R loves her and would totally ditch his date for her, but she would never take away his happiness after all of this time.
Joseph 'Joly' Leigh – has been with his Melody for years now, even though they often include their friend Bossuet in their liaisons. She does not want to know all that much about this open relationship, but it makes them all very happy and so it means that she has no right to judge. They are doing better than she is.
Courfeyrac and Combeferre will both have dates if she knows them at all. Combeferre is a serial monogamist and Courfeyrac is the most notorious flirt she knows. They will both have absolutely no problems with finding a date to a wedding.
Jehan will have written some lucky – or unlucky, if you ask her – some love poetry and convinced her to go with him to the wedding. Honestly, while she pretty much adores Jehan and his beautiful flowers – he has the best flower shop in the country, and pretty much the only one that also provides cards with original poetry on them. She would rather die than admit it to anyone but Jehan himself, but his romantic poetry is absolutely beautiful and she wishes that someone would send it to her.
No one ever will, and she knows it.
Also, that is pretty much all of the Amis – at least the ones who would actually remember her. She can barely remember Feuilly and Bahorel for example, and she doubts that they will remember her name or her face. They were always either working hard on their respective craft or carefully listening to- Fuck!
It looks like her only option is Enjolras, the fearless leader of the Amis who has never shown a hint of having a deal or a sex drive. His priorities are always with lady Justice, who is also the only lady who has ever gotten close enough to him to possibly determine if there is anything other than Ken doll down there – she has certainly never been allowed close enough to find out. She now doubts if she even needs to know whatever he is hiding down there. There are other priorities to figure out first.
Like, is she desperate enough to even ask Enjolras to come as her date?
She has only met the guy a few times and she doubts that she made very much of an impression on him at those times, because she was probably only there to spend time with Marius, rather than to meet his friends from college.
Enjolras was not the most sociable friend Marius had at the time, so they mostly stayed in their respective corners while he dared to speech about her neighborhood and how terrible and unsafe it was. At one point she just had to tell him to perform some kind of anatomically impossible sex act upon himself because she was sick of it.
He did not take it well, but she earned the respect of most of the Amis – mostly R, because he had always wanted to say something like that to the man without being called lovesick. Honestly, that thing was years ago, they should get over it.
That is what she told R, and she made a friend for life.
Still, that is definitely not going to help her with Enjolras – she thinks it is his last name, because she heard a drunken R call him Gabriel once. That is what she is sticking with.
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
She is standing outside his apartment – R gave her the address without asking too many questions about why she needed it. She may have told him that she was going to pull the most epic of pranks – she may be right about that, only R will believe that she is pranking Enjolras, when she is in fact trying to freak Marius out at his own wedding.
That is, she will get to freak Marius out at his own wedding if Enjolras does not laugh in her face and reject her idea without even thinking about it.
The odds of him rejecting her are pretty high, but she is still going to give it a try. One cannot win, if one does not try, right? She has to try.
"Don't kill me," she requests as soon as her opens the door.
"I don't see why I would," is the calm response from him.
At least he does not seem to hate her all that much, which is a relief. If he still hated her for the anatomically impossible action she advised him on, it was going to be a much tougher sell to make him come with her to the big event – she has been invited to everything from the rehearsal dinner to the bachelor party, since apparently Cosette really wants her in the wedding. More like, Marius is feeling guilty again.
Enjolras looks pretty much the same as she remembers him. His lovely curls are still there, luckily, because she feared that the law firm he works for would make him slick it all down to make him just another drone. The curls make him look softer and younger, and she likes that for some reason – maybe it is because seeing something out of order on him is a sign that he is not completely perfect. He always seemed to be overly perfect in absolutely everything except for some of his opinions and that hair.
"Do you remember me?" he has to remember her for this to even work.
"Of course I remember you," his affirmative answer gives her the opportunity to relax at least a little bit. "You are Marius' friend, miss Éponine."
The fact that he calls her miss even when he has seen her drunk and wearing very little clothing is just typical of him. She just gets really hot when she drinks and removing clothes usually helps with that – there is nothing hinky there, okay!
He calls her miss and she hates that, but she does not want to anger or frustrate him, since she still needs to ask a pretty big favor of him.
"Yes, I'm Éponine Thenardiér," she introduces herself again anyway.
"I'm Enjolras," he is once again trying to be like Madonna.
"You're Gabriel," she takes pleasure in surprising him with that name. "I remember."
There is a chance that he might be really pissed with R for revealing that name, but she cannot bring it upon herself to care about that all that much. It made her able to surprise him, and he is always more intrigued by someone who surprises him. She does not know anything to say, or anything that might sway his opinion, but she will try it all.
"Nobody calls me Gabriel," his arms are crossed and he is not letting her inside.
"I remember," she responds with a grin, "and I still don't care."
Honestly, what was he even expecting from a girl like her? She lives for making people squirm in several different ways, especially upstanding lawyers like him. She should be beyond that relatively childish urge, but she is not and probably never will be.
"Since you are undoubtedly here to ask for a favor," he is finally letting her into the relative warmth of his apartment, "that is not a good start."
He has to have hired some kind of interior decorator for his apartment to look this good – it does not even look remotely like the typical bachelor pad that she has seen with most of the other Amis. She expects that he is a naturally neat and tidy person, but this just crazy and straight out of a catalogue. There are warm colors and hints of a lovely burgundy red – if she had more money, she would get some of this stuff too.
"Why would I be here to ask a favor?" she sends him an innocent look.
"One: I rarely see you unless Marius is around," Enjolras definitely does not mince his words, making her flinch at her friend's name. "Two: I got the same invitation."
Damn! Shit! Bugger! Fuck! Of course he would already know that Marius was getting married to his darling Cosette – he has gotten the same invitation she has, only without the invites for some of the stuff before the wedding. There is so much going on for her, and she really does not want to do that all alone. She really needs someone to be there with her, and it might as well be Gabriel Enjolras.
"Will you go as my date?" she blurts it out quickly, to get it over with.
There is silence then, because he obviously is not expecting something like this. So she waits, sitting down on the damn comfortable sofa she kind of wants to live on for the rest of her natural born life – she could sleep on this thing and she would still be more comfortable than she usually is on her own cheep and crappy bed. She might have to fake an emergency as an excuse to sleep on this couch. She could do that.
"Are you planning to actually attend?" that seems to be the biggest surprise for him.
"If only to show Marius that he's making a mistake," she holds her head up.
She has the perfect dress in her closet to make a grown man weep and more than enough time before she leaves to plan some serious mischief and stop this stupid wedding in its tracks. All she needs is for a date to be there with her.
"That is the Éponine I remember," he scoffs at the entire idea.
Of course he is another one of those guys who only remembers her as being the Shadow, that skinny little thing who was always chasing Marius around while Marius himself fooled around with many a single co-ed. As long as he does not pity her, she can refrain from tearing him a new one – she does not respond well to pity.
"Will you go?" she asks him again, hoping for a real answer.
"It is not as if there is anyone else," a dismissive look. "Sure, I will go with you."
What can she promise him that will make him agree to go with her? There is nothing that she knows of that he will even want – he is not like the other guys she knows.
"I promise I will –," she tries to think of something. "You said yes?"
So it took a while for the words he said to actually make sense in her head. She was just so prepared for him to deny her request that she did not even bother to prepare for a situation in which he almost immediately agreed to help her.
"Yes, I did say yes," he is obviously trying not to laugh at her.
If it was anyone but the high and mighty Enjolras, she would have casually stepped on his foot or otherwise have made him pay for laughing at her when he is the one who is acting completely out of any expectation that she has for him. He is supposed to be this completely different person, and she still suspects that he has a completely different reason for saying yes to her than just trying to be nice. He has to have some kind of ulterior motive for going to the wedding with her – she needs to know.
"Why would you even say yes?" she has to question him because she is an idiot.
"Because Marius is an idiot who treats you like shit," he completely baffles her.
What the fuck is that? Marius is his friend, and he is not supposed to talk about any friend of his like that – and she is damn well not going to let him talk about her best friend like that. Marius is occasionally oblivious, but he is certainly not an idiot and he definitely does not treat her like shit. There is nothing wrong with Marius.
"Marius is perfect," she vehemently protests.
Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, because no person in the entire world is perfect, but Marius is the closest thing to perfection she has ever known. He is kind and generous to a fault, and she would hate that in any other person, but he has never made her feel pitied and small – he has made her feel appreciated because no one else ever bothered with her. Marius is the only person in her life who has ever really listened to her and made things better and stupid Enjolras does not get to hate on him when she would not have made it through if it had not been for Marius.
"Whatever you say, Ponine," this guy actually dares to nickname her.
"It's Cosette who worries me," she admits with some trepidation.
If she knows Marius at all – and she knows him better than anyone – Cosette will be another pretty blonde with a double-digit IQ and huge… tracts of land. Marius has a history of falling for the shallow type, which is why they made the pact and why she hoped that he would finally grow to understand that he needed someone more like her rather than another buxom blonde who did not laugh at his jokes.
"And you could use another friend there," he is surprisingly understanding.
Yes, she could use another friend as the love of her life marries a stupid girl, but she is unlucky enough to not really have any other real friends other than Marius. She knows some of the Amis, but she does not feel that she knows them well enough to leave them with her as their burden for such a long time. They deserve better.
Even Enjolras deserves better, but apparently he is still signing on for this.
"When did we become friends?" she is trying not to look down on him.
"When you asked me as your date to Marius' wedding," he is quick to reply.
Well, he actually kind of maybe has a point there, and she hates that.
"This is not a date," she has to remind him, even though he knows.
"I never thought it would be," he rolls his eyes briefly.
She doubts that he has ever been on a date in his entire long life. He is getting closer to thirty, just like she is, and still there is no interest in love and in a family. He still continues to sound bored with women and/or men and dates and other romantic business. She is doubtful that he will ever get a family, and she is kind of sad about that, because staying alone is one of her biggest fears for herself – and she really does not want it to happen to anyone else, even Mister Moron Enjolras.
"Your one true love is Patria," now it is her turn to roll her eyes.
"Always has been, always will be," he replies without a hint of humor in his voice.
Shit, he is actually serious about that? She thought the whole Patria thing was just some kind of exaggeration that R has told her about because he wanted to make her laugh. But now it seems that Enjolras is actually serious about loving his country above all people and creatures on the planet. She thinks that is just damn weird and a bit creepy.
"R told me about seven minutes in heaven," she reminds him of the olden days.
"It was high school," Enjolras is not happy. "I was forced to kiss her."
The anecdote made her laugh hysterically at the time, and even now she still finds it funny as hell to think of a teenage Enjolras with all of his formalities and distant words, forced into a closet with a classmate. She knows that the other kids where probably hoping for him to get more normal after that, but they ended up only strengthening his belief that relationships were not interesting and merely a distraction from the greater goals he already aspired to at that time. He has not changed much since then.
"You asked him if kissing girls was supposed to be this gross," she has to continue.
A part of her kind of understands at least this part of the story, because middle school and high school kissing is usually just gross and wet. She has a few similar experiences herself, but she did not go around complaining about how kissing sucked. She figured out that she needed to try it with older, more experienced boys first before she wrote it off completely – she ended up firmly on the pro-kissing and sex side.
"I was fourteen," he needs to remind her of how long ago this happened.
"And he kissed you later and you broke his heart," the sad part comes in.
So little R was in love with his best friend even back then, and it has taken him a very long time to be able to get over it and stop waiting for Enjolras to see him as a possible romantic partner. She admires R's strength and she still feels a bit of resentment for Enjolras for not treating his friend properly when all this happened.
"I was fourteen and was not interested in any of these things," he tries to sound strong, but she can hear some regret in his voice as well. "I'm still not interested."
When he speaks like that, and she can hear that he never wanted to hurt R, she can see his side of the story as well. While R undoubtedly thought that Enjolras denouncing girls was a dream come through, for the man himself it was only a reaffirming of the idea that relationships were a bad idea – with anyone. So the kiss was doomed to be a disaster, and things were doomed to be awkward after that. Still, she admires that the two of them continue to be friends to this very idea, after everything.
"Which is why you were the only person without a date to the wedding," she shrugs.
"In that case, you should be glad I'm celibate," he replies pointedly.
So maybe she actually is a little happy that he is celibate, otherwise he would not be sitting next to her on his comfortable couch after having agreed to be her friend and date to Marius' wedding. Yeah, she likes it when it is convenient for her.
Wow, that really makes her sound like a terrible person.
"Yeah, you're my favorite monk," she jokes, jostling his shoulder.
He almost flinches at the touch, and she is trying really hard not to feel insulted by that.
"I'm still an atheist, Éponine," he continues to not have any of this.
She really needs to work with him on showing a sense of humor if they are going to be undertaking Mission No Marriage For Marius together. A sense of humor might be vital when she is too depressed to even look at Marius and his stupid bride to be – and it will be the key to rubbing their pretend relationship in Marius' face.
"I'm still joking, Gabriel my angel," she winks at him happily.
The name is strangely appropriate, because she has heard him described as an angel who is capable of doing terrible things for the sake of justice and equality. He is a warrior angel, and she is going to have herself a nice inside joke over that while he looks on in annoyed surprise. Only he seems to be almost okay with her teasing him like this, and that makes her even happier about it. Finally, there is a sense of humor.
"What does that make you?" the teasing tone in his voice is still a complete surprise.
"A devil in a red dress," she grins in response. "Red is your favorite color."
There was some minor research before she arrived at his apartment to actually ask him the important question. The fact that red is his favorite color is actually quite handy, because she has a killer red dress in her closet that she has been dying to wear – she just needed the right reason to wear this gift from her boss. She likes to spend her Christmas bonus on frivolous things now that she can afford that.
"What does that have to do with anything?" he does not get it.
"I have to remember all information that might make Marius jealous," she explains.
Because she does know all of these things about Marius, and nobody else until she bothered to ask for these things concerning Enjolras. She hopes that Marius will be annoyed by her possibly having found a replacement for him – and turned on by her wearing that fucking fabulous red dress. If all goes well, even Enjolras himself will be stunned and aroused enough to start worrying about the pole in his pants.
"How is that going to make Marius jealous?" Enjolras continues to miss the point.
"Just watch and learn, grasshopper," she jokes. "You'll understand eventually."
Maybe she could take him under her wing and teach him the politics of girl world, because that will undoubtedly come in handy for him in the future, whether it will be for a case or for the moment that he finally realizes that he is actually pretty good-looking and that is why women keep staring at him. God forbid, maybe it will be useful for the moment in which he finally realizes that he wants love and/or sex after all.
"And my friends wonder why I don't understand women," he is only partly joking.
"At least you are honest about it," she can most definitely applaud him for his honesty and bravery in admitting it. "Most men seem to think that they get it."
She likes the idea of silly Éponine being able to teach the wise Enjolras things, because he is the one with the Ivy League education and the big job and the fancy suits, while she is the girl from the streets who finally snagged a scholarship and made herself into a passable guidance counselor at a nearby private school – thank God for summer break.
"I'm not most men," his voice is harsh and fraught with pain.
"That is just too cliché, Gabriel," she makes a joke out of it.
Even though it is quite obviously true; he is very different from most men she knows, she still feels the need to make a joke about it. She has heard this line before from other men, and Gabriel is the first person that it actually applies to.
"Just don't call me that," he is still not amused.
"I'm your date," she pouts at him, sticking out her lower lip in a way that used to drive all the boys crazy. "I should at least be able to call you by your first name."
It would just be odd for the two of them to arrive together under the guise of them being a couple and her constantly having to be formal and calling him by his last name because he is being a stick in the mud again and he will not allow her to call him Gabriel. She does not understand why he hates his name so much. It is not even embarrassing.
"I'd rather hear a pet name than that," he makes the mistake of telling her that.
He has given her free reign to think of the weirdest things that she has ever heard someone being called by their significant other – and she definitely has a long list of weird names to choose from. He does not know what he has done.
"I don't understand why you can hate your name," she gives it one last try.
"I'm still not talking about it," he is frowning, and she knows the game is up.
Well, now it is just his own fault and he should be prepared for embarrassment the likes of which he has never known – and he has been friends with R for most of his life. The mental list does not start out too bad, but it just gets progressively worse until she gets to the names that she can barely say without cracking up herself.
"Okay, snookums," she starts trying some of the most ridiculous pet names that she can think of – without losing it. "Baby. Dear. Honey. Sweetie. Darling. Pookie."
These are some of the milder ones, but she just completely loses it at Pookie, because she can just imagine the look on everybody's face when she calls the great Gabriel Enjolras Pookie in front of his friends. R would probably give her the biggest high five that she has ever received and everyone else would be too surprised to do anything but laugh really loudly. Enjolras himself would just be really pissed.
"Can you not call me anything?" he demands of her.
"That is not going to happen," she announces happily.
The answering groan that she gets is a good representation of what she will be able to expect over the course of the next few weeks.
This should be good!
AN: I don't have a strict update schedule like I did last time, because it all depends on how fast the writing goes. These chapters are a lot longer than the ones I wrote for RAWM, so it'll probably take longer. Come hang out with me on Tumblr (textsfromumbridge) or Twitter (dutchmoxie) in the meantime, or go read Tides by AliceInSomewhereland/thisislavieboheme/MARY! – 'cause it's good!