Amanda slept more easily that night. She had spoken with her parents for two hours, and felt much more at ease for confiding in them. It occurred to her that the effort of living among the Vulcans was putting more of a strain on her than she'd realized. As she lay in bed that night, she resolved to work hard with Ataur at their next meeting. She needed to be able to calm and control herself. She knew that she could do this - it was just a matter of adapting and overcoming. Soon, with Ataur's help, she would be able to take anything that anyone threw at her, without batting an eyelash.
She was therefore in a determined frame of mind when Ataur came to visit her the next day. She was waiting for him again in the little sitting room, her hands in her lap. When Ataur came in, he looked at her with curiosity in his eyes. "You're troubled," He said. He placed a little cloth covered basket on the floor, but Amanda was too vexed to be very interested in it.
"Is it that obvious?" Amanda asked, annoyed with herself. She looked at her feet, not wanting to meet Ataur's eyes. "I've run into some difficulties."
"Not obvious, no," Ataur said, making himself comfortable on the floor. His flowing robes were of a stormy blue gray color that accented his eyes in a striking way. "But you are sitting as if you wanted to run away. What sort of difficulties?"
"There have been some people who have been less than kind." Amanda said, sliding off her chair to join him on the floor. She mimicked his cross-legged pose, although she didn't feel as relaxed in it as he looked.
Ataur gave her an unreadable look, reaching for the basket. "I see. These people wouldn't happen to be Councilman Skon's son, would they?"
Amanda's eyes widened and she clenched her jaw. "How did you know that?" She asked.
"Vulcans gossip - not as much as some other races do, but news does travel."
"I don't find that very convincing," Amanda said, knotting her fingers together in her lap. "Vulcans are very private, from what I hear."
"Yes, you are right, although you were being closely watched that night, you know. An interested party thought that I should know of your difficulties. I assure you there was nothing sinister about it." He said, unfolding the cloth and uncovering the contents of the basket. There were three thick little candles inside, of dark red wax. Amanda regarded them with suspicion.
"What are those?" She asked, temporarily forgetting her annoyance at having been spied on.
"Vulcans sometimes use aromatic candles in their meditation sessions," Ataur explained, setting out the little candles with care. "There are certain scents that can assist in clearing the mind. These are mild, don't worry. I wouldn't seek to overwhelm you with Vulcan pungency." There was a hint of a smile in his eyes, and Amanda felt herself relaxing a bit.
As Ataur lit the candles, Amanda tried to settle more comfortably into her position. She wondered what Ataur would try with her this time. More breathing practices? She tried to slow her breathing down, elongating each inhale and exhale. Soon she had reached a more even pace, and was surprised to find that it made her feel calmer. Having finished lighting the candles, Ataur placed his hands on his knees and watched her.
"I want to focus on breathing again," Ataur said, his voice quieter than before. "In addition, I want you to think about clearing the surface of your mind. Banish whatever concerns are preying on you - clear them off as you would clear a table. Whatever is weighing on you, cast it off, and lighten your spirit." Amanda caught the scent of the candles, a clear, spicy aroma that reminded her of the wind off the desert. She listened to the sound of Ataur's voice as he spoke, trying to untangle each worry that was pressing on her and cast it away. It was rough going. Her anxieties about Sarek and the other hostile Vulcans felt sticky, and they clung whenever she tried to brush them away. She felt herself getting frustrated. Whenever she tried to banish them, they only came back in full force.
"Gently," Ataur reminded. Amanda forced herself to relax and let go of her worry, letting it subside a little. She imagined herself using a clean cloth to wash away a stain on a polished table top, using only gentle force to scrub it away. This worked better - when she pictured the last traces of the worry-stain disappearing from the table's surface, her mind felt lighter. She sighed a little and allowed her body to relax with it. The scent of the candles surrounded her, and Amanda pictured herself sitting out on the sands of the desert, a cool wind drifting past her and stirring the sand into little swirls.
She and Ataur sat like this for several minutes. Amanda had lost track of the time, concentrating on nothing. Finally, Ataur's voice broke through to her. "If you can, try to imagine building a wall in your mind. As strong as you can build it. Draw it around your emotional center and close it off, keeping it safe. It isn't a barrier, but a protection." Amanda tried to do as he told her, constructing a little fence around the center of her mind. It felt flimsy and unstable, as though she were trying to build a wall out of spiderweb. She frowned slightly as she felt it droop.
"It's not working," She said, a hint of anxiety in her voice.
"Try again. Let it fall if it must, but continue building. Reinforce it."
Amanda tried again, imagining a wall of steel instead of gossamer. Still, it seemed to fall away from her grip. Exasperated, she snatched at it, but instead of bending to her will, it only dissipated like heavy mist. Amanda tried to calm herself again, taking a deep breath, but the aroma of the candles was thick in the air, and she sneezed.
"This is difficult," She said, scratching her nose.
"Yes, it is. But you are doing well. When you have time, relax yourself and try building it again. Soon it will be stronger. You must only practice." Ataur's eyes were shining when he spoke, and she sighed.
"I'll try," She said, although she could feel the weight of her worries pressing down on her again, but not as strongly as they had before. She no longer felt so oppressed. "Thank you."
"Of course." Ataur said, standing up. Amanda followed suit, but when she put weight on her legs, they stung with pins and needles. Her legs had fallen asleep from sitting still for so long. Amanda scowled, her face turned away from Ataur, as she massaged some life back into them. "What can I do to keep that from happening?"
There was a hint of a chuckle in Ataur's voice as she turned to him. "It is a problem that Vulcans don't often suffer from," He said. "But perhaps you could try a different position. However you are most comfortable. Do not worry overmuch. You will become more proficient in time."
Over the next few days, Amanda did her best to follow Ataur's words. She was busy, though, and had little time to devote to her meditative studies. After her first visit to the Children's Education Institute, Amanda made many more visits. She strolled around in the Hall of the Pits, paying close attention to the questions posed to the children, and sat in the back of smaller classrooms, watching discussions and laboratory sessions. Although she was enjoying the work very much, it was tiring, and she went to sleep each night exhausted by the day's activity.
She did not spend all of her time there, however. T'Sana took her to see the city's monuments and important buildings, giving her a brief introduction to each. Amanda was amazed at the strange and beautiful structures, some of which had existed earlier than the beginnings of Human civilization. There was much to learn in Shi'Kahr, and Amanda was only too eager to learn it. Most intruging were the temples, with their grand facades and huge, quiet halls. They were full of scents from incense and candles, which lit the dark walls and ceilings with golden orange light. Amanda wandered through them as though she were in a dream, absorbing as much information as she could from the ancient writings and pictograms on the walls. T'Sana was not as knowledgeable on the stories depicted there, however, and Amanda found herself having to guess at the meanings more often than not. She spent what little time she wasn't working or meditating on research, trying to eke meaning out of the dense texts to which the VSA had allowed her access. She struggled with the long records of Vulcan history, but her research was mostly rewarding. When she met with T'Rea, she asked as many questions about her studies as she could, and T'Rea was willing enough to answer them.
With all of the activity, Sarek's rudeness had completely vanished from Amanda's mind. She was focusing on more important things, after all. Fortunately, he remained out of her sight as well, as she didn't glimpse him at all in the days and weeks that followed their brief encounter at the Children's Institute. Eventually, however, her luck ran out.
Amanda was sitting in the shade of a large, spiny tree in the courtyard of the Children's Institute. Classes had just let out for the day, and Amanda was exhausted. She'd participated more fully in the classes that day, answering children's questions when she could, although they more often than not directed their questions to their instructor. Amanda got the feeling that the children were wary of her, and she didn't blame them. She must be as strange to them as they were to her. Now, however, she was relaxing, confident that no one could say that her rest wasn't well deserved. She had her PADD on her lap and was absently scrolling through instructions T'Sana had sent her for her next week. When she heard footsteps approaching her over the dusty ground, she looked up.
To her very great surprise, it was Selek who approached her, giving off an air or wariness, but curiosity. She was pleased to see him - after their interaction on her first day at the Institute, they hadn't had an opportunity to speak again. "Good afternoon, Selek." Amanda said, turning off her PADD screen.
"Hello Miss Grayson." The boy said, giving her a brief nod. "May I sit with you?"
"Yes, all right." Amanda said, moving so that there was space on the bench beside her. The young Vulcan sat down, a little awkwardly, his dark gray eyes belying some worry but also determination.
"I wanted to ask you...about Earth. Is it really very wet there?" He asked once he had settled himself.
"Compared to Vulcan, I suppose it is." Amanda said, bemused. "It's quite a bit cooler on Earth than it is here."
"That doesn't sound very pleasant." Selek said. He looked around, as if checking to see if they were alone. "I want to visit Earth when I'm older. We haven't learned very much about Earth, but everything I've heard has been very interesting. You're the only Human I've ever met."
Amanda was surprised to hear this - not that she was the only Human Selek had ever encountered, but that he wanted to know more about her home planet. "I could tell you some things, if you like." She said. "What do you want to know?"
"Instructor Merav said that Earth's surface is between 70.8 and 71.11 percent covered by water, but only three percent is in a form that is useful to most of Earth's creatures."
"Yes, that's true. Most of the water is full of salts. But there are animals that live in salt water. They can't live anywhere else." Amanda said, wondering why the boy found this particularly interesting.
Selek seemed to consider this. "Is does not seem very logical that so much of the planet is unavailable to Human cultivation. Why have not Humans developed a method for living in the water, or converting it into useable water?"
Amanda paused. "I suppose we like it that way," she said. "Humans are better at tolerating being wet than Vulcans are, but we still can't handle it for very long. It's not exactly pleasant in the middle of the ocean - the water gets very cold."
Selek nodded solemnly. "I see. Nevertheless, Earth is not a very large planet, and if Humans can only inhabit between 28.89 and 29.2 percent of its surface -"
"Actually, the amount of land Humans can live on is smaller than that," Amanda said. "Some of the land is constantly covered in ice, or has been turned into desert."
"Humans can live in the desert," Selek replied. "You are living in a desert."
Amanda wanted to laugh, but managed to stop herself. "Yes, but I'm living in a very well maintained Vulcan city. Humans are much more susceptible to heat than Vulcans are. A Human in the desert alone wouldn't survive more than a few days, especially without any water."
Selek blinked. "That is surprising. Humans seem quite...fragile."
"Yes, I'm afraid so." Amanda said. She was about to ask if Selek wanted her to explain anything else, when she sensed the presence of another person close by. She looked up and felt her stomach twist in an uncomfortable knot. Sarek was on the other side of the court yard, approaching them in long strides. Selek seemed pleased to see him, and stood up, but Amanda remained seated. There was an unpleasant cold feeling in her chest.
"Selek, I have been looking for you." Sarek said when he reached them. "I hope you haven't been bothering our visitor." He gave Amanda a slightly stiff nod, which nevertheless surprised Amanda sufficiently so that she couldn't say anything in reply.
"I have not." Selek said, a little defensively. "We were speaking about Earth."
"Were you," Sarek replied, his voice cold and dry. Amanda could feel anger rising already in her. What was he trying to prove, by being rude? That he was above her, and all other Humans?
"Yes." Amanda said, giving Selek an approving look. "Selek has a healthy amount of curiosity. I was happy to tell him about my home."
Sarek's eyes met hers for the briefest of moments before he looked back to Selek. There was something in their blackness that made Amanda's spine tingle, whether with fear or anger she didn't know. "A very worthy subject." He said, although Amanda could detect the strain in his voice.
"Did you know, Sarek, that Earth is covered in water?" Selek asked, the picture of an intelligent child who nevertheless couldn't pick up on some rather obvious things.
Sarek nodded slowly. "Indeed. Selek, I would like to speak with Miss Grayson alone. Leave us for a few minutes, would you?" Both Amanda and Selek froze, although the young Vulcan nodded briskly after a few moments and left the courtyard, his shoes making a ringing noise on the stone pavement. Amanda could feel her throat tighten as she turned her eyes on Sarek, waiting. He looked just as imposing and formal as his father. Amanda was reminded of a giant black crow, with its dark eyes fixed on her.
After a long pause, Amanda was forced to say something. "Well?" She said, with more snap to her voice than she'd really intended. Sarek, however, did not seem to notice. He cleared his throat.
"Miss Grayson," He said, and then halted again. Amanda clenched her jaw.
"What do you want? Have you come to fling more insults at me or my race?" She asked, her voice laced with icicles.
Sarek stared for a moment, then drew himself up. "I recognize that my behavior towards you at our last meeting was...impolite."
Amanda glared up at him. If her gaze had been any hotter, sparks would have fountained from her eyes and sizzled on the pavement. "Impolite." She repeated, her voice suddenly leaden. Amanda thought she detected a hint of unease in Sarek's stance.
"Yes, well..." He began again. "I was informed that my attitude had caused offense. I wish to express an apology for-"
"You were informed?" Amanda asked, getting to her feet. "That's very impressive. I suppose your father or T'Rea told you to apologize to me. While I'm very grateful to them for the thought, I have to admit that it's not exactly mollifying to receive a forced apology. Please, keep your words to yourself, I really don't think I could take any toxins today." With that, Amanda strode off, her Vulcan dress flowing behind her and accentuating her dramatic exit. She found that she was boiling with rage on the inside. He couldn't even deliver an apology without acting as if he were looking down at her from a pedestal! Amanda had never been a prideful person, mostly humble in her attitude towards her own achievements and accomplishments, but it was too much to be judged harshly solely because she was a Human. Sarek had barely even spoken to her before flinging insults at her. Had he formed a dislike of her character after getting to know her, or because of something she had done, Amanda would have understood. However, to act slightingly towards her without ever having had a conversation with her before was beyond her tolerance.
Amanda spent the rest of the day in a foul mood. She barely spoke to T'Iva and left a message from T'Rea unanswered. As soon as she was finished with her duties of the day, she drew herself a searing hot bath and climbed into it. She remained in the bath for a long time, hoping that the tiled walls kept T'Iva from hearing any sounds of crying within.
After she was thoroughly clean and free of tears, Amanda sat down on her bed and began to regulate her breathing. She hadn't really had a chance to practice meditation since her last lesson with Ataur. Now, she let the light of the setting Vulcan sun that came through her windows settle over her like a blanket, her eyes closed, her breathing deep and even. It took her a rather long time to center herself, but it was a wonderful relief to relax into the free, calm feeling it finally awarded her. She carefully brushed off the anxieties and worries of the day. The anger and frustration from her encounter with Sarek clung to her like glue, but after patient work she was able to let it go. Once she felt ready, Amanda started to draw up the wall around her emotions. It was a little stronger than she'd managed during her lesson, more like wool than spiderweb. She patiently guided it into a little fence around her emotional center, making it stronger...
Sarek hadn't really been that horrible today, had he? Amanda had said all of the nasty things. Amanda's concentration faltered. She frowned slightly and shoved the thought out of her mind, turning back to working on building the wall. Amanda hadn't even given him a chance to speak. Amanda squirmed uneasily. Her concentration was ebbing away from her! She had been far ruder to him than he had been to her. She'd had no provocation. Amanda sighed and opened her eyes, staring out the window at the twilight view of Vulcan. She could feel a well of guilt rising in her chest, far worse than her anger had been. She had acted foolishly out of anger. Just because Sarek had been awful to her was no reason for her to stoop to his level. Amanda flopped back on her pillows and groaned. Sarek was really causing her more trouble than he was worth.