My Best Friend's Wedding
Disclaimer: Don't ask me!
AN: I love you all, dearies. The next few chapters after this will surely strike your fancy. As for this one: you get to meet Senior. It'll be good.
Chapter sixteen: 180 and 180 equals a mess
Gabriel walks out of the hospital room and she just pretends that she does not know what happened. The fighting between him and his father was loud enough for her to hear, and the nurses had to come in two times to make sure that senior stayed calm – that is probably why he was sent away now. His father had a heart attack and heart surgery just one day ago, and here her 'Jolras is making him scream and yell. She worries about him, but she also knows that it is just who he is.
The words coming from the hospital room told her a tale of a father with big dreams for his only son – but these dreams were really not the same as the ones his son had for himself. His father wanted his son to go into the family business – he wants his son to be as good of a doctor as he is, rather than the excellent lawyer that he turned out to be. She giggles at the mere idea of her 'Jolras being a doctor, because while he is kind and caring and he wants to help people, he is not very good with blood and guts.
Just him being in a hospital seems to be enough of a victory, because she remembers when she was in the hospital, and he spent the entirety of his five-minute visit to her trying not to stare at the bandages or the tubes. She was just wondering why he was there in the first place, but she eventually managed to find out the truth about that.
Her 'Jolras is a hero whether his father can understand that or not.
"Hey you," she pats the empty chair next to her.
"He wants to meet you," he tells her what she already knows.
He sits down next to her and she immediately grabs a hold of his hand, because she knows that he is going to need her support throughout this ordeal. They still have not talked about them, but there is an unspoken understanding between the two of them.
"I am not going to meet him without you," she tries to look strong. "I don't generally make a good impression on fathers. I hate my own father – I hate his effing guts."
Her wording in this might be a bit too strong, because even after all of the things that have happened over the years, she is still having problems actually hating her parents for what they did to her. They are still her parents and even after everything, she is still their little girl – and that continues to hurt. This business with him and his father is just another reminder that other people have parents who love them very much, and that most people still have the chance to reconcile with their parents. Even though she can never stop loving her parents at least a little bit, there is no hope for a happy family.
"I will go with you," he promises, now looking even more uncomfortable.
"Take a deep breath," she tells him, hoping that he will listen to her. "And then you are going to tell me what the problem is before we go in there."
She waits patiently, because they trust each other a lot, which should mean that he could tell her absolutely everything that he wants to reveal. He does not have to keep any kind of secrets from her, but she is worried that he will withdraw back into his shell and let her guess at what he is feeling. And she thought that they were making real progress.
"There is no problem," he is not willing to admit a single thing could be wrong.
"If that is how you want to play it," she shrugs. "Let's go, 'Jolras."
This is hard: trying not to get frustrated at him and his problems with his father because no matter how much she cares about Gabriel, his problems with his family still feel so minor in comparison to her own – and she knows that she should not be comparing their families to each other, but she cannot help but think that at least his family can be happy again, when it is too late for her and her parents.
"Hello, sir," she is trying her hardest to be polite to this man.
"Who are you?" the man clearly has no idea who she is.
When Enjolras just told her that his father wanted to meet her, he neglected to mention that his father has absolutely no idea who she is. That definitely puts a damper on something that she did not particularly want to do anyway. Sure, she definitely wants to help fix this wonderful family, but she is not in the mood to be treated as a stranger.
"This is Éponine," he introduces her by just her name again. "'Ponine, this is my father."
"It is nice to meet you," she offers her hand for his father to shake.
The shaky handshake that she receives in return is easily explained as being the aftereffect of suffering a massive heart attack and being in surgery all in the last twenty-four hours. She tries a gentle smile, and she gets a sharp stare in return – but it seems more calculating than actually cruel. If she had to guess, she would say that he is trying to figure out if she is good enough for his son. She can understand that much.
"Are you the girlfriend?" his father seems only mildly curious.
"Éponine is a good friend of mine," her 'Jolras is once again being evasive.
Wow, that is such a nice description, and this is just the reason why she should not get her hopes up for this kind of thing. She thought that they were finally moving close to being official, which meant that he could introduce her as his girlfriend, or just as his Éponine. She should not be so upset about this, because there are more important things going on in their lives at this point. So she is going to try to move on from the issue of their relationship, to the issue of his relationship with his father.
"I thought she was more than that," his father notices her frustrations.
"This is still none of your business Dad," 'Jolras huffs. "What did you want us here for?"
This is a conversation better discussed without her there, so she is really trying to stay in the background and not let her voice dominate this conversation. She is going to try to let both of the men have their say, but she will step in if it looks like they are going to be screaming at each other again – she is not going to be responsible for a heart attack, no matter how distantly. She will try to keep her loudness relatively muted for this, because it is not about her whatsoever, but she will try to prevent utter disaster.
"I wanted to apologize," his father grasps his son's hand in his.
It is a very touching moment between these two men, or at least it should be a very touching moment between father and son. The father is reaching out and willing to make peace with his son, and 'Jolras is just not having any of it.
"You wanted to what?" her 'Jolras appears to be developing hearing problems.
"I know I haven't been the best dad," his father appears to be trying not to cry, and her heart goes out to the old man on the hospital bed. "Even before you left for college."
While she will choose the side of her 'Jolras if push comes to shove, she feels so humbled to see an old and fragile man pleading for forgiveness from his child. Her father has never been so vulnerable, and he has never wanted her forgiveness for everything that he had done to her and her siblings. Her father still thinks that everything that he did was the right thing to do, no matter how damaged his children are because of it.
"Are you really doing this now?" her Gabriel is just exasperated and worn down.
"I want to make things right," his father replies. "I don't know how bad things are, but I could be done within the year, and I really don't want you to hate me."
Gabriel Senior has been confronted with his own mortality, and he is terrified of having to go before he made things right with both of his children. Natalie seems easier to deal with in comparison, because they have been in touch over the last few years, while his son – her 'Jolras – has been distant and there has been no contact for a decade. There are many issues to fix here, but at least the man is trying, and she has to give him so much credit for that. At least he is trying, and she hopes that 'Jolras will try too.
"Why would you ask Éponine here for this?" 'Jolras does not get it.
"He is counting on me being a good influence on you for this," she smiles and nudges him before taking a step back. "And he might be right, 'Jolras. Don't keep him away forever."
This time when his father reaches for his hand, he actually holds it for just a little while before taking his hand back and trying not to get emotional about this. Oh, her 'Jolras can be such a curious creature, with his resistance to real and honest emotion.
"Please son, I know that I was wrong about your school," the father is getting emotional.
"You should have known that back then," her 'Jolras responds in a very stoic way.
Oh, the school question is a big issue for them. Her 'Jolras chose a different school and a different major than his father wanted him to, and while she knows that this was a crucial moment in their relationship, she knows that it is only a culmination of other issues that they have yet to address. She wants them to speak of everything; of their love for each other and of the things that they appreciate. She also wants to hear them speak of how they changed in the last ten years, and what they learned about themselves while the other person was apart from them. She wants them to show growth.
"You're right," Enjolras Senior is forced to eat humble pie yet again.
"Someone call the papers!" Junior is being a shit. "My father admitted that I was right."
There is no way she can just let that happen; she is too used to mediating discussions like this one to just let this go without any kind of response. Still, she has to bite her tongue, not able to do anything but to grab the arm of her 'Jolras and to shake her head at him. She knows he is in pain, but she does not want him to go too far.
"I deserved that," his father is resigned to that response.
"Yes, you did deserve that!" there is pain in Gabriel's voice, and she both wants to help and wants to stay distant from this. "I spent most of high school biology working my ass off and hoping that I would not faint or throw up during any kind of practical, and you thought it would be a great idea for me to become a doctor like you!"
He would have been such an awkward teenager, and she wishes she could have known that guy. She met him only shortly after high school, but the minute he set foot on campus, he became so much more self-assured and strong and sure of himself. She has not seen him insecure, except in those last few months since he became her date.
"I believe that you could make a great doctor," his father believes in his son.
"I know you believe that," her 'Jolras is starting to move closer to his father. "I just know I'm better at being a lawyer than I ever would have been at being a doctor."
This, she has absolutely no doubt of, because he is a wonderful lawyer. Some of her students are fans of his work, and now that they know that she is in touch with him – most of the students have made up their minds and started "shipping" the two of them together – she gets many questions about him and his cases. He has inspired several students to attempt to become lawyers themselves, and that makes her proud of him.
"I want to see you in action, then," Enjolras Senior is just so proud of his son.
"You changed your mind that easily?" the meaning of this does not get through to 'Jolras.
Of course this has not much to do with changing his mind, but more to do with just wanting his son to be happy. So if his son is happiest being a great lawyer, he is going to support that decision in any way that he possibly can. Like his father, she definitely wants to see him in action in a court of law – he would wow them all.
"I just want you to be happy, son," father and son are closer to catharsis.
"This is just too cliché," her Gabriel is not having any of this.
She hates clichés just as much as the rest of them, but she still understands where his father is coming from. This is just a thing that most parents say, and something that they mean from the bottom of their hearts – and she cannot help but be so jealous of him for having parents who say things like that to him. She would love to eventually call these people her family as well, because while she loves her siblings and her boys, she would love to have some kind of parental figure that she can lean on when she does not know what to do – she will never be old enough to not want to have parents around.
"Clichés are all born out of truths," Senior is a smart man. "That is what they tell us."
Pinching the hand of her 'Jolras, she is trying to make him see how much it is hurting her to hear him in pain, and to hear him deny the love that his father is attempting to give to him. She wants these two men to reconcile, and she will do anything to accomplish it.
"That is so nice," Gabriel is rolling his eyes at his father.
"That is not what I mean, Gabriel," his father continues to plead. "You know that."
If any of the students coming to her office acted so childish and petulant, they would be in so much shit with her. Even now she is close to reprimanding Gabriel for acting like this, but she can also see that he is lashing out because there is still so much pain left in him because of his complicated past with his father. She wants him to release that pain and to move on from it while he still can – it is too late for her.
"I don't know anything," he is still so hurt. "I haven't seen you in ten years."
Ten years is a long time to go without family, but she also knows that it is not too late for this family to heal itself. She will help her 'Jolras and his family to make things better, and she knows that her presence has already made a difference in the relationship that her Gabriel has with Natalie. Seeing her brother as a normal guy has made Natalie feel closer to him, and Gabriel is so interested in being a good uncle to Marie.
"Can we try again, Gabriel?" there is a final plea from Gabriel Senior to his son.
"I don't know," it is such a correct answer that she is not sure that it is genuine.
He is a strong man, and he has proven that to her so many times that she wonders why it is still so easy for him to turn back into an insecure teen – still, she can get that it has to do with seeing his father again after ten years. She just wants to stand by him and support him during this difficult moment, and she will not stay silent the whole time.
"You can try, 'Jolras," she knows that he needs the encouragement at this point.
"Why would you say that?" he seems hurt at this insistence. "You know that I…"
She knows all about hurt feelings when it comes to parents, and this is exactly why she is urging him to try to mend bridges with his father and the rest of his family. She knows what happens when hatred and pain are left to fester until there is nothing left of love and other more endearing qualities. There is only pain left in her relationship with her parents, and there are few memories of happy times to make up for it.
"I told you about my parents," her voice breaks a little. "At least, I told you only some of what they did to me, and if I have my way, you will never know everything. They beat me down, both with fists and with words, and I can never forgive them for that, but I still love them. Can you forgive your father for what he has done to you?"
There is very little to forgive, in her opinion, compared to what she has suffered – still, she does not want to act as if his problems are somehow lesser than hers. She wants him to feel heard and acknowledged, but instead he chooses to pity her.
"Ponine," he moves to wrap his arm around her, and she reluctantly lets him.
"Don't start pitying me, or we are done," she warns him, whispering in his ear.
If all he can do after her little speech is pity her, something has gone terribly wrong. She did not say any of this to sound sad or to garner pity; she just wanted him to understand that while her family is beyond saving, he still has a chance to fix things. While it is very nice to have him so very close to her again, she does not want this to be for any stupid reasons of pity. She is a strong woman who does not need anyone's pity, and for once she is not using the strong woman part as some ironic joke about not needing a man.
"I was not going to pity you," he speaks, and she wants to tell him not to lie to her.
A story like this always gets her unwanted pity, and that is why she so rarely tells her story to people. It is not only because they simply would not understand how terrible and hurtful family and parents can be, but also because they often look down on her for not escaping or not doing anything to stop it. She still believes that she has done what she could – or what she was brave enough to do, anyway – but still people have blamed her for how she and her siblings have turned out. Honestly, she believes that they have managed to be excellent and functioning members of society, and she is proud of them for managing that after the abuse they endured together in childhood.
"What were you going to do?" she is skeptical of his words to her.
"I was going to tell you how amazing I think you are," he smiles down, and she is floored.
This is not something that she expects him to say, because he is not that guy who throws around compliments like this one. He does not always use his words, especially when things can be misconstrued as possibly being romantic. The idea of romance, especially in public, terrifies him – even though he can be very sweet and almost romantic when they are alone together. Still, now that his father is present, he is so much more hesitant around her. She wishes that he would hold her more, and that is a terrifying thought.
"Did you switch bodies with Marius?" she has to make light. "You are never this sappy."
She already needs him too much, so if he finally decides to remain celibate – or more accurately, to go back to celibacy – she will be quite lost without him. She has gotten a little too used to being held at night and to feeling safe. That is not something that she ever thought she would feel again, let alone long enough to get used to it. Still, he has made her feel safe and stronger than she has been before, which partly makes her feel ridiculous – because she was fine on her own – but it is also a nice feeling to have an equal partner that she can depend on. She has never had the chance to feel that before.
"How do you ever expect me to say nice things when you respond like this?" he teases.
"Is this the part where I should tell you to get a room?" Senior joins in on the fun.
There is no other way to respond to that than to burst out laughing at the old man's wicked sense of humor, and even her 'Jolras reluctantly cracks a smile. She elbows him until he acknowledges just how funny it was. The resulting smile takes her breath away, at least a little bit. She always likes seeing him happy, and making him happy.
"We share a room at Natalie's place," she speaks up with a proud grin.
"You did not have to tell my dad that!" her 'Jolras is immediately terribly embarrassed.
Honestly, is 'Jolras still going to pretend that they are totally platonic friends? She has seen his naked butt – by accident – and she has had his tongue in her mouth. He gave her hickeys while she had her legs wrapped around his waist – in front of their friends. It is more than a little too late to make this into something simple and platonic. She feels that it is too late to stuff their want for each other back into a secret hiding place, because she wants to be free to kiss him whenever they feel like it. He is still holding back from her.
"He will find out eventually, right?" she shrugs, hating the secretive atmosphere.
"Nothing weird happened Dad, really," he turns into an awkward teenager.
He fidgets, and he tries to let go of her in his embarrassment. Gabriel is still so awkward about this that she just has to shake her head and press him closer to her. She is curled up into his side and trying to stifle her giggles into his neck – but she is sure that Gabriel Senior notices all of it no matter how much they try to hide.
"You are so effing adorable," she smiles at her 'Jolras. "Pardon my French."
Oh, she is just trying to be ironic and funny with that last bit. She really wants to drop an f-bomb in front of 'Jolras again to see him go crazy, but even she is not brave and/or crazy enough to say that in front of his father. That would be going too far.
"Are you trying to drive my dad crazy?" he just does not let her in enough.
"I am trying to drive you crazy," she sticks her tongue out at him. "And it is working."
Since she is used to driving him crazy in various other ways, it takes a while for him to make the connection to this situation, and that cracks her up beyond belief. She has managed to get him flustered again, and that always considerably impacts his usual wittiness and sharpness. She is proud of herself, and his father is grinning.
"How do you -?" Enjolras stammers when he finally figures it out.
"I will just let you and your dad talk a bit more," she pats him on the shoulder.
She leans in just the slightest bit, trying to make him believe that she would move in for the kill – or the kiss, really. She withdraws at the last second, because she is still not done messing with him. She doubts that she will ever really be done with that.
"Ponine!" he calls out her name with surprise and affection.
"And remember to be forgiving," she grins at him and then turns around.
Mister Enjolras is still smiling at their antics, and because she has to leave him for a little while as well, she is going to say goodbye to him as well, in a friendly way.
"Miss Éponine." Gabriel Senior addresses her with a pleased smile.
"It was nice meeting you, sir," she clasps his hand, already a little fond of him.
Having him as a father-in-law of any kind would be quite lovely, and she is now already starting to imagine being a real part of Gabriel's family – she is taking it too far again, because he does not seem to really want to make this relationship work. He is still so scared of committing to this thing, and of giving up on his idea of celibacy. She wonders if she is still perceived as nothing but a distraction from what he wants to accomplish, because he just wants to find out what having sexual feelings is like.
"Call me Gabriel," Senior asks of her, and she has to shake her head.
"Nope, that is just going to be too awkward," she smiles at him in consolation.
There is just no way that she is going to call Gabriel's father by the same name that he has – even though she rarely calls him Gabriel out loud. It will just be too weird, so they have to come up with an alternative that will not make her flinch all of the time.
"Senior?" the old man proposes, and she ponders it for a while.
"I can do that," she tells him finally, smiling. "And maybe when darling Gabriel here finally pulls his head out of his ass, we can move up to Dad."
The words used might not have been the best option, but she feels that they do get her point across quite well. She wants to be significant, and she wants to at some point be seen as a daughter-in-law by this man. Enjolras and his doubts about celibacy, those things are basically the only things in the way of that – she wants it to be real.
"That is a very nice idea," Senior seems happy to have her around.
"You just call me Éponine," she reminds him in return. "No miss, no nothing."
Somehow she has already charmed his father, and his sister also likes her. She is usually so abrasive and divisive at a first meeting, and here these people actually like her almost immediately. It is so new to her that she is still a bit surprised.
"How do you keep doing that?" her 'Jolras is trying to sound exasperated.
"You're impressed and you know it," she says. "I'll see you in the waiting room."
She plants a quick kiss on his lips, to tell him that she will see him again soon. He will not let her get away so easily, so there is another kiss, and another one. It is all relatively chaste – there are no tongues, because they are still in his father's hospital room – but it is still not completely appropriate for his dad's eyes. Still, she likes it.
"I am not into this kind of thing, kids," they are interrupted. "Not in front of me, please."
They break apart rather quickly after those words, and she is more than the slightest bit embarrassed at being caught in front of his dad – at starting something in front of his father, who he had been feuding with. The situation is indeed odd, but she still believes that this is a good thing – he did not let her go when she had planned to walk away from him to leave him wanting. Now they are both left wanting, and very embarrassed.
"Sure thing, Senior," she tries not to blush as she speaks.
"Sorry about that, Dad," her 'Jolras apologizes to Senior as well.
After hearing the apologies, she walks into the hallway and tries to hear the rest of the conversation from there. The best things are often said when a person walks away, and she would love to hear just what they think about her without them having to censor themselves because she is in the room with them. She wants to know.
"She is certainly a firecracker," Senior sounds like he is still smiling.
"That does not even begin to cover her," even her 'Jolras now sounds happy.
The scores are in, and they are overwhelmingly positive. Now she is ready to walk away from the Doctor's hospital room – calling him that in her head makes her giggle – and to go back to her same old chair in the waiting room, because she figures that these two might be a while longer. Only she stops in her tracks when she hears that she is the topic of conversation still, because she cannot resist hearing what else they have to say.
"I like her," Doctor Enjolras has made his opinion clear.
"I might be in love with her," that is the admission that really floors her.
When she finds out that he feels confident enough about his feelings that he is admitting them to his estranged father, that is when she is seeing how serious he can be about this relationship that they are still working on. This is just another step for them!
"He loves me," she whispers to herself, giddy with the feeling.
She has to walk a bit further away from Enjolras Senior's hospital room, because she does not want her happy dance to be heard or seen by any of the two men who are currently in that room. She takes the steps, careful not to get into anyone's way as she makes her way into the mostly empty waiting room.
"He loves me," she says it out loud this time, her smile taking over her face.
The few people who are in the waiting room still are slowly starting to take notice of her and her happiness, and they appear to be a bit apprehensive. Still, she cannot contain herself, and her feet start dancing before she even thinks about what she is actually doing. She spins and twirls and jumps and she does not think that she has ever been so ridiculously, obnoxiously happy in her life. He loves her. He actually loves her!
"He loves me," she needs to hear those words one more time. "He loves me!"
There are some laughs at her movements and her words, and that laughter; it only fans the flames going on inside of her. Gabriel Enjolras loves her, Éponine Thénardier!
e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e- e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
That night, when they are in bed together, after she made up a stupid excuse about being really tired to his mom and sister, he is so quiet and distant that she feels like she might as well just start trying to get some sleep. It seems as if he is actively avoiding her and her touch, and her feelings are pretty damn hurt. She just wants to lick her wounds in private, but that is not possible, so she might as well get some sleep.
What the hell happened between the moment where he told his father that he might be in love with her and this, she does not know, but the 180 he did is terribly upsetting and it does not bode well for the future. If he can change his mind about her so easily, she is not going to be able to depend on him as much as she wants to. She just wants him to own up to his feelings in front of her, and while she understands that he might have some concerns about ending his celibacy, she just wants them to move further. But maybe she is just not good enough, and that is why he is having second thoughts.
Maybe it is her fault that he cannot seem to make this official.
"You are not really tired, are you?" he asks her that as if he is more than a little scared.
"Of course I am not tired," she smiles. "I wanted to have some private time with you."
He is looking distinctly uncomfortable at this, and she wonders what she did wrong this time, because all she did was admit that she wants to spend more time with him. She is admitting that he is important to her and she wants to move forward from where they are now, and he is not reacting the way that she had hoped that he would. Why is every move that she makes too much for him? Why can she not do a thing right?
"You should be looking happy, instead of terrified," her tone is a little too accusing.
"Can we not talk for a while?" he still does not give her any kind of reason.
There are miles between them, metaphorically, even though they are close enough to look at each other very clearly. And this distance is all him, because she is trying to move and she just cannot do it because he looks away from her too much for her to feel comfortable with him at this point. He is making her feel inadequate, and it hurts.
"What else would you propose we do?" she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, trying to distract the both of them from the hurt and the pain going on inside.
It seems as if he actually has to think on that for a while, because it takes a while before he slowly brings her closer to him so that he can hold her better. They are no longer facing each other – she wonders if he is scared to look her in the eyes – because he is being a big spoon to her little spoon. While it is nice, she has come to like the moments that she is pillowed on his chest or that they are more entangled and able to look at each other when they do decide to talk. He is distant even when holding her.
"I can still talk this way," she says this as a way to teasingly warn him she is on to him.
The only way to keep this thing between them from happening is to distract her from what she is planning to say to him – and with the two of them in bed there is only one kind of distraction on her mind. While she would love to get physically closer to him at this point, she really mostly wants to make this thing real between the two of them. A talk would actually be her preferred option at this point, but she knows that he would rather distract her with physical affection than talk to her about their future.
"Please, Éponine," he still sounds actually scared of her and what she will do.
"You are going to have to come out of your comfort zone some time," she warns.
There is a long silence, as he appears to be pondering this. She is tired of being the one to make the moves, and if they do ever want to move forward and make this an official relationship, he is going to have to get over his fears. She is legitimately tired now and there is still in ache in her heart when she is reminded of just how easily he can let her go. She just wants him to keep her so close – but she cannot see it happening.
"Jolras?" she is still waiting for a response from him.
He moves to face her instead of giving her any kind of verbal response, and he kisses her passionately, maybe – or probably – so that he does not have to talk about anything involving their relationship. She lets him distract her like this, with his magic fingers on her skin and his lips covering hers, because she wants him so badly. .
"Gabriel," it is the wrong word to moan, but it slips out anyway.
It is too late to do anything about it, though. He stills for a little while, and then he slowly starts to continue his ministrations. His lips are moving on her neck, gently applying suction and occasionally softly nibbling on the sensitive skin he finds. She is breathing heavy, and her skin feels like it is on fire – his hands are on her waist, barely moving but still leaving her stomach tangled up in knots. He is good at this, and she just wants.
Oh, how she wants and wants. So she entangles their legs, practically wrapping herself around him to make sure that he will not go anywhere – she is not going to let him change his mind about this again.
They are now tangled up in bed together, and he does not even seem all too disturbed by that, seeing as he is trying to take his own shirt off without letting go of her or ending their kisses – which is basically impossible, but he manages it somehow, only letting go of her for a second and then starting to unbutton her own shirt – with his teeth.
"Please," her voice is a cross between a breath and a moan.
He breaks it off without another word, and she is once again disappointed and hurt by him doing a complete 180. In theory, him doing two 180s would involve them being right back where they started, but that theory has failed her, because all he is doing is distancing himself even more than he did before. She has never thought him so changeable and fickle, and it is surprising that he has turned out to be that kind of person when she expected so much more of him. Fuck, this hurts!
"Damn it, 'Jolras!" she is not even trying to hide the break in her voice.
"What are we even doing, 'Ponine?" he asks in return, sounding so frustrated as well.
When a boy and a girl like each other very much, they often try to express that love in a really physical way – and she cannot finish that thought without getting even more annoyed with him for being a total dick about this. She would like to be a total sarcastic bitch to him at this point, but she also knows that is not going to help their already annoying slash complicated situation. She just has to deal – again.
"I really wanted to crack a stupid joke, but I won't," she rolls her eyes at him.
At this precise moment, she is so angry with him that she just wants to drive back to her apartment – in his stupid car – and go back to work. She has already missed several days' worth of work for him, and now he is being a distant asshole and it feels like the whole trip was not worth it, because he obviously does not want her there with him. It seems like a waste, and maybe she did jump on this Enjolras thing too soon after she tried to get over Marius. Maybe she should just be single for a while.
"I don't mean what we're doing right now," he now seems annoyed as well.
"I get that," she lets her annoyance speak as well. "But since you are intent on being super vague and irritating, I can't always know what you fucking mean."
There are a whole lot more terribly bad words currently going through her head, and she really wants to scream out all of them – but she also does not want to wake Natalie, Henry, or little Marie. She has grown to like all of them, and she does not want to be responsible for their lost sleep. So she waits for him to infuriate her some more.
"I am not being vague on purpose," he is trying to make her calm down a bit.
"But you are being vague," she responds, taking deep calming breaths.
He seems to have realized that he has not been very clear, and that his refusal to talk about things has actually hurt her feelings pretty badly. He now has to start to make things right for her, and she is not going to lift a finger to help him unless he has something really good to say to her. She honestly doubts that he can say anything other than that he is sorry, but she is still going to let him give it a shot.
"This is just a bit of a mess, 'Ponine," he follows her breathing example. "So many things have changed between the two of us. First we meet and you hate my guts, suggesting that I perform something anatomically impossible on my person. Then you show up at my doorstep to ask for my help and we become partners in crime. And then you want me to kiss you. I never wanted to deal with this, because I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with what we are doing in general."
So, he is just as scared and confused as she is, and that makes it a lot less easy to be angry with him. Her anger is fading by the minute, because she understands just how confusing this whole thing has been for the both of them.
"In general?" she snipes. "I think we're doing this thing called falling in love."
At least, she is doing this thing called falling in love, and he was supposed to be right there along with her, falling as well. He was supposed to tell her so, and they were supposed to live happily ever after – because she has earned her happy ending.
"I can't do that," he sounds angry and terrified all at once.
"Then who was the guy telling his sister and his father he might be in love with me?" she just has to ask him. "I like that guy. If you could send him along, I'd be much obliged."
This is the closest she can get to telling him all about her feelings without having to say the words outright, especially when he is acting like this. There is no way that she is going to admit to having romantic feelings for him right now. He is too unpredictable and too insecure about his own feelings for her to take another step forward in their relationship. This in-between stage is terrifying and tiring, and she just does not know which way to move. There is absolutely no way to go about this that won't get her hurt, and she is tired of being the one who always gets hurt.
"Éponine," he just sounds tired now.
"Nope, I am not having this," she is not letting this go even for the slightest or shortest amount of time. "You said you had actual feelings for me and then you suddenly turn into an asshole. Are you trying to beat Marius as my worst experience in love? Because Montparnasse might beat the both of you on that front!"
It is suddenly so easy to snipe at him, and to throw out the words that she has been keeping in since he did his first 180. Finally it is like the shame has gone and she can finally really tell him what she is feeling. She is tired and frustrated and she is oh so very angry and hurt by his behavior. She is basically falling apart because she has once again pinned too much on her hopes for a relationship with him – she should have known, she should have learned from the debacle with Marius. Still, nothing has really changed.
"Are you really comparing me to him?" he misunderstands her yet again.
"You are not that terrible, no," she reassures him. "But you are being a total asshat!"
The word probably does not even mean something, but she is just so angry that any other word just will not form. He just needs to listen to her!
"Asshat," the mood shifts again when he starts laughing.
"Stop laughing," now she is really, rightfully, furious!
She smacks his arm because he is too busy laughing like an idiot to listen to her. Her shirt is still half unbuttoned, and she huffs while focusing on that, trying to let him get the madness out of his system first. The buttons are a bit messed up, but the shirt is still wearable – she wonders why she is not wearing an easier shirt. All she is going to be doing in the shirt is sleeping. Any option for wildness has gone away.
"I'm sorry, 'Ponine," he smiles at her and pulls her close.
"No, we are not doing that again," she pushes him away. "You cannot think that things will be fine as soon as you touch me. We need to talk about things!"
Cuddling is nice, and she will always like being in his arms, but she is not just going to let him make up for his asshole behavior by wrapping his arms around her and hoping that solves everything. There has to be so much more to it than that.
"What do you want me to say?" he goes from amused to being resigned to his fate.
"Do you have feelings for me?" she asks it outright.
They do need to talk, and she is stubborn enough to make him talk. No matter how much he will try to avoid answering such a loaded question, she is going to wait him out, because he has to tell her eventually. He will tell her everything eventually – he has no idea of all of the ways that she can use to make him talk.
"I do," he says, and that answer makes the butterflies in her stomach flutter.
So, no matter what he says next, when she has to start with the more difficult questions, she will still know that she has feelings for her – beyond a shred of doubt. She holds that truth and hides it somewhere in the walls surrounding her heart. She feels like doing another stupid happy dance, just like the one she did in the hospital, but she cannot do that when she is in bed, and she certainly cannot do it in front of him.
"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?" she asks a more difficult question.
"I don't know," he gives her an answer she does not want to hear.
The feelings are there, but he is not completely willing to act on them, and she does not know if he will ever be willing to take it as far as to get into a legitimate relationship with her. It is something she wants badly, but it is also something that cannot be forced if he is not ready or simply does not want to go that route.
"I am willing to try," he offers then.
It is a relatively harmless statement, but it also does not tell her very many things about the future of their relationship. His willingness to finally give this thing between the two of them a try is good, but it does not say or promise anything real.
"What does that mean exactly?" she asks, snuggling into his side.
"It means that we can take steps," he starts. "I don't want to go around telling everyone that we are in a relationship, but here, with my family, we can try."
So it is basically going to be a relationship, but it is just going to be his dirty little secret – he is not going to tell anyone that this thing between the two of them is real. She fears that he is embarrassed or ashamed of her for some reason, and she hurts again because of this. She does not want to be anyone else, but she wants him to love her.
"Are you ashamed of me?" the feeling that gives her hurts pretty badly.
"Of course not," the passionate reply assuages her fears and doubts. "I just want to make sure I won't end up being terrible at being in a relationship before I hurt your feelings again. I am still celibate, and I have to come to terms with that too."
His life has changed so much because of her, and she should not blame him for needing more time to deal with that on his own terms. She cannot force him to be ready for this, because that would be wrong and the consequences would be disastrous. She just wants so badly, and that makes her even more impatient than she is normally. She cannot wait for her happily ever after for too long – and she is starting to doubt that he even is her happily ever after. Still, she just wants to make sure, and for that, she has to wait.
"You are not quite celibate anymore," she has to remind him.
"I still define myself as celibate," he mutters, and she knows that this is not going to end well. "While I am attracted to you, I really do not know how to proceed."
What she wants from him at this point in time is basically progress, and if he can give her that, she will be content to wait quite a long time for the full package of him. She just wants him to acknowledge that she means something to him so that they could move on from there. All she wants is to move further, no matter how slow of a process that is.
"One step at a time," she offers up a valid option.
"I think that I can do that," he smiles at her, leaning in for a sweet kiss.
She smiles happily and goes in for the next one herself.
AN: This is just another step – and they are getting closer, but they are stubborn. Still, I can now tell you that it looks like MBFW will have 20 chapters, and a prologue and an epilogue – 22 parts in total. We're getting closer to the endgame.
Leave me your favorite parts/lines/etcetera in your reviews! Love you all!