Amanda was beginning to grow worried about her meditation. Sarek had managed to get under her skin twice, and she'd responded to his goading by acting incredibly inappropriately. But it really was very hard to put aside the natural Human pride and responsiveness that she'd grown into. And, as much as she hated to admit it, the fact that Sarek was male made things a little more complicated for her. Amanda wasn't exactly inexperienced with men, but her real interest had always been with her work, leaving little time for romantic relationships. She had faced competition from a few young men in her classes, who sometimes put her down or dismissed her because she was female. She didn't like it, but Sarek's offences were slightly more…offensive because he was a man. She didn't like being treated that way.
Amanda tried to clear these thoughts out of the way as she worked, but her emotional responsiveness still nagged at her. She applied herself more readily to Ataur's lessons as a result, and after a week of practice she had managed to build up a thin but relatively strong wall for herself. It was a great relief to her to have that resource and protection – she felt much easier in her mind when she was surrounded by Vulcans, to know that she had her little place of refuge tucked away in her mind. By the end of the second week, Ataur proclaimed himself very impressed by her progress.
"You are gifted, Amanda," He said to her at the end of one lesson, with a hint of a smile. "I must admit I had not expected to see such progress from you – not because you are Human, but because this is a difficult concept to teach. You are doing well."
Amanda felt a little glow of pride flare in the refuge she had created. It was comforting to hear those words from him, and she still felt the emotion strongly, but it was secreted away and protected, just as strong as any emotion, but kept private. "Thank you, Ataur." She said with a respectful nod. "I am very grateful to you for your instruction."
Ataur returned the nod, his light eyes holding just a hint of pride. "It has been my pleasure. You must not abandon practice, however. You may still be tested yet, and I will continue to do my best to aid you."
Unfortunately for Amanda, that test arrived sooner than she had expected. She was working on reviewing student work from the Children's Institute when she noticed that she had an incoming call from T'Rea. She took a moment to make sure she looked presentable before answering – she'd been working hard after all, and more often than not she found herself looking a little worse for wear after a long day.
"Hello, T'Rea." Amanda said when the Vulcan lady's face appeared on the screen.
"Greetings Amanda," T'Rea replied in her low voice. "I have news for you. Councilman Skon has requested that you assist him in a political matter."
Confused, but not showing it, Amanda folded her hands in her lap and asked "What sort of thing would he need me for?" She couldn't think of any 'political matter' in which she could be of use. Did the Councilman have to sort out a Human relations problem? Or was this some sort of cryptic hint that she had been doing something wrong?
"He wishes you to travel with some members of his party to the town of Kamteh, where there is to be a cultural festival." T'Rea explained. "The Councilman says that including you in his delegation will be a sign of the positive modernism that has evolved in Shi'Kahr. I too believe that this is a good idea – the Starfleet program will benefit from your experience there." T'Rea paused here, and her expression gained a hint of mischievousness. "I believe he wishes you to experience more of Vulcan regional culture. Kamteh is a much smaller city than Shi'Kahr, and the more traditional values of our people are still in practice there."
Amanda was at once excited and apprehensive. The phrase "traditional values" put her on edge – it could either indicate that she was about to see some incredibly interesting and hidden parts of Vulcan society, or she was going to be openly despised by Vulcans who were not as approving of Humans as the citizens of Shi'Kahr. This worried her, as Shi'Kahr had only partially accepted her. For every friendly Vulcan that she encountered, there were two more who glared at her in the streets. Amanda took a deep breath. "I am honored to receive the invitation," She said, her heart beating fast. "I would love to be a part of the Councilman's party."
T'Rea nodded approvingly. "Excellent," She said. "I will inform the Councilman of your decision. I will give you more details regarding your departure soon." T'Rea raised the ta'al and closed the connection. Amanda sighed deeply. This trip would be either incredibly interesting or excruciating. She would just have to wait and see which it would prove to be.
Oh, no. Excruciating it is, then. Amanda felt her heart sink as she approached the landing platform where the small shuttle would depart to take them to Kamteh. There were four figures waiting for her there: Councilman Skon, in magnificent dark robes; T'Rea in equally fine attire; a middle-aged Vulcan man that Amanda did not recognize; and Sarek. Amanda didn't meet his gaze, but she imagined she could feel his gaze boring into her as she greeted the other members of the party.
"I am glad to see you so well," The Councilman said, after they had exchanged a more formal greeting. "I am equally glad that you have accepted my invitation. I believe that you will find this excursion to be very informative." Right, informative, Amanda thought as she replied politely to the Councilman. Potentially incredibly horrible as well.
"I think you have not yet met Renvan, my deputy." Councilman Skon said, indicating the man Amanda did not know. He said nothing, only nodded to Amanda. She thought that he had a very severe face, even for a Vulcan. "And of course, you know my son Sarek." Amanda had to force herself to look at Sarek. She could feel guilt bubbling in the walled-off refuge in her mind. She lent a little more strength to the barricade. She would not allow those walls to collapse today. Sarek himself gave Amanda a polite, if somewhat rigid, sign of the ta'al, which Amanda returned.
"Miss Grayson," He said. Amanda knew her face was as still and calm as a quiet pond, but inside her barricade little sparks of anxiety were flickering.
"The journey shall not take you long," Councilman Skon said, in a tone that was jovial for a Vulcan. "You will arrive in Kamteh by mid-morning. I trust that you will enjoy the ceremonies – the shuttle will return you to Shi'Kahr rather late tonight, however. Do try not to overexert yourself in the heat, Miss Grayson." He said it with a tint of actual concern in his voice, or perhaps Amanda imagined it. His words were sincere, however, and Amanda thanked him for them.
"Thank you, Councilman, I will take care." She said.
"Very well. I hope that you enjoy your visit to Kamteh. Farewell." The Councilman extended the ta'al to them, and he and T'Rea turned away. Amanda swallowed and looked towards the shuttle, which she noticed with a sinking heart was rather small and intimate. The trip was only about an hour long, so fortunately she wouldn't have to be in that small space with Sarek for long. She remembered Ataur's encouragements, and used them to bolster her barricades a little more. She wouldn't fail either him or herself.
Fortunately, Amanda was excused from the conversation during the trip. Renvan and Sarek discussed politicians and decisions of the High Command while Amanda watched the hot desert scenery flash past them. She had seen little of the Vulcan countryside, for lack of a better word, and was fascinated by the strange rock formations and vegetation spread out on the red desert sands. She could see swirling heat waves shimmering off of every surface. She even spotted a curious looking lizard for a few seconds before they left it behind them. Inside the shuttle it was very cool and comfortable, thankfully, so she was able to enjoy the scenery without feeling its less pleasant heat.
To her own shame, Amanda felt herself listening carefully to Sarek and Renvan's conversation after a while. She was surprised to find that Sarek was insightful and polite in his conversation – at least when he wasn't speaking to her. She felt a little throb of guilt to be listening to them so closely, but she couldn't turn her attention away from them. Therefore she was glad when they arrived at Kamteh, feeling that the short trip had lasted much longer than the hour that had passed.
The first thing that struck her about the little city was the blazing heat. As soon as they stepped off the shuttle, Amanda felt the heat envelop her like a close, hot blanket, clinging to her skin and clothes. Thankfully T'Iva had set out a very light dress for her, which was accompanied by veils that covered her hair and shoulders without trapping in any more heat. Sarek and Renvan appeared entirely comfortable however, and Amanda couldn't help envying them as they proceeded down towards the center of the city.
Amanda was soon distracted from her discomfort, however. The city was arrayed in decoration in celebration of the holiday. Renvan explained the purpose of the festival as they went towards the city's main square. "Kamteh was the site of a great volcanic eruption many hundreds of years ago. The city used to be very great, greater than Shi'Kahr. It was called Kamtvar, and was one of the oldest cities of our civilization. There was a great wealth of knowledge and religious significance, as well as works of art and other achievements. The entire city was reduced to nothing in the aftermath of the eruption. There were very few survivors, and the destruction of the city was a great grief in for our people for many years. Finally, after many years, a traveler discovered one of the city's greatest artifacts – a gemstone that came from the holy site of Sha Ka Ree - that had been exposed by the shifting of volcanic rock. It was undamaged. Inspired, we rebuilt the city as Kamteh, around the gemstone in the location in which it was originally found. This festival is to commemorate the anniversary of the destruction of Kamtvar and the creation of Kamteh. We shall be able to see the gemstone's site very soon." Amanda listened with her mouth slightly open, looking around at the subtle but beautiful decorations on every door.
"It's beautiful," She said, watching as a woman and her two children wound a gauzy streamer through the black branches of a small tree. There wasn't any one surface that wasn't decorated in some way, and although none of the citizens showed any outward joy or excitement, Amanda could feel it in the air, as though it had drifted in on a warm breeze. When they reached the central square, Amanda's heart leapt. There was a large, dark spire of volcanic rock in the center of the paved square, rising high above the buildings around it. In the core of the spire Amanda could see a large gemstone, almost the size of their shuttle. It was a dark jade in color, and it glittered with mica-like striations running through it. It was lovely, seemingly untouched by the jagged black rock surrounding it.
"This stone is one of the greatest artifacts of the Vulcan people." Amanda heard someone say behind her. She turned to see Sarek behind her, gazing at the monument with a strange look in his dark eyes. "I am happy to have the privilege of seeing it again." Amanda looked away, feeling a little cloud of embarrassment flutter in her mind. The expression on Sarek's face had been almost gentle as he gazed at the stone, far more humble than she had ever seen him.
"Yes," Renvan said simply. "We should find our places. The celebration will begin soon." He walked off towards a cluster of pavilions on the opposite end of the square. Sarek followed him promptly, but Amanda hung behind for a moment, watching the harsh sunlight reflect off the green surface of the Kamtvar stone. Sarek stopped and looked around at her. When Amanda met his gaze, he raised an eyebrow. Amanda blinked, the largest reaction of surprise she would allow herself, and hurried to catch up to him and Renvan. Sarek said nothing to her as they made their way to the pavilions, but Amanda was deeply puzzled over the gesture he had extended to her. It was the equivalent of him giving her a huge grin, had he been Human.
Thankfully Amanda didn't have much time to devote to puzzling over this any further. When they reached the shaded pavilions (for whose coolness Amanda was infinitely grateful), they were greeted by tumblers of very lightly sweet juice and trays of delicacies prepared by the citizens. "They have been preparing all week for the festival," Renvan explained, stony faced, as he selected a fruit. "It is the tradition in Kamteh for everyone to prepare feasts and decorate, so that on the day of the celebration everyone may enjoy food, drink, and music." There was indeed music playing, more upbeat than the melodies Amanda had heard at the party at Councilman Skon's home. There were Vulcans everywhere, in robes of different colors and styles; men with elegant tunics and robes, women in flowing dresses like dusty desert flowers. Amanda was delighted at the spectacle. She even saw children playing together, their higher voices louder over those of their parents. Their play was, of course, more subdued than that of Human children, but they were enjoying themselves nonetheless. Amanda felt like just a pair of eyes wandering around the crowds, observing everything she could. She was brought out of her entranced reverie by the sound of a huge gong echoing across the square. Sarek was suddenly at her elbow.
"Come," He said. "We must go to our seats as the representatives from Shi'Kahr. There are going to be performances." He gestured towards a larger tent to one side of the main festivities. Amanda could see important looking Vulcans relaxing in the shade, talking quietly to one another in quiet voices. They looked to Amanda like princes and princesses in their court. She nodded silently and followed Sarek, a little sheepishly. They joined Renvan at a sitting area on a little raised dais. There was already food and drink there waiting for them. Amanda sat silently, watching the activity around her with wide eyes.
"What sort of performances are we going to see?" She asked Renvan, who was sitting beside her with a glass of something that looked to Amanda to be k'vass. She wondered how diluted it was.
"There will be dances and parades, commemorating the events of the history of the city." Renvan said. He sounded almost bored. Amanda wondered how many times he had gone on Councilman Skon's request to see the festival in his stead. She herself couldn't fathom how he could find all of this boring. Sarek, on the other hand, seemed to be as focused on it as she was. He was seated on Amanda's other side, sitting back in his chair with his hands steepled in front of his face. He noticed Amanda's eyes on him, and their gaze met for a brief moment before Amanda looked away, annoyance rising in her mind. She wished that the Councilman had sent another person in Sarek's place – anyone was better than him!
Soon, however, the performances began, and Amanda was immediately entranced. There were dances, severely Vulcan in their execution, but somehow expressive and nuanced at the same time. There were songs and poetry recitations, a few of which Renvan had to translate for Amanda, as they were in the ancient dialect of Kamtvar before the volcano. They were beautiful and sad, and Amanda's little refuge was filled with emotion for the death of the city. More joyful performances followed, however, illustrating the rebirth of the city. Amanda's favorite by far was put on, to her surprise and delight, by a group of small children. They enacted the rediscovery of the Sha Ka Ree gemstone, very solemnly and slowly, as any small children will act when they are asked to perform. Amanda found it difficult to conceal her pleasure at the performance, and she could feel Sarek's eyes on her when it was over. She immediately shored up the walls and retreated behind them. Sarek would not find fault with her today!
The sun climbed higher as the celebrations went on. After the performances there was a luncheon, during which Amanda tried several dishes that she had never encountered on Vulcan before. She had to keep a glass of juice close by her, however, as many of the things she sampled turned out to be either extraordinarily hot or very bitter. After they ate, music struck up again, and the Vulcans left their seats to speak with each other and enjoy the music. Amanda saw children presenting small greenish stones to their elders, and asked Renvan what they were doing.
"It is a tradition associated with the holiday," Renvan said, in his bored tone. "The children give their parents and elders semi-precious stones and pebbles to receive a blessing for the rest of the year." Amanda watched as a little girl presented quite an old man with a stone. He extended the ta'al to her and said a few words that Amanda could not hear. The girl ducked her head in appreciation and then hurried off to distribute the rest of her gifts. Amanda smiled on the inside, tucking the memory away for later to tell to her parents.
It was drawing towards evening, however, when she received a petition of her own. A boy who couldn't have been more than seven approached her with a blue-green stone in his open hands. Amanda froze – she didn't know the blessing to give! She was about to apologize to the child and tell him to seek elsewhere when she felt someone lightly touch her shoulder. She turned to see Sarek standing behind her.
"Tell him: vokaya Kamtvar, ugaya Kamteh, Kamtvar's memory, Kamteh's promise." He said quietly. Amanda blinked, stunned, but before she could reply the child in front of her had tugged on her sleeve.
"Kudaya, a blessing?" He asked, holding up the offering pebble with a sort of determined scowl.
"Uh, vokaya Kamtvar, ugaya Kamteh." Amanda said, stuttering slightly. She showed the ta'al to the boy, who dropped the stone into her other hand, looking satisfied. Amanda turned around to face Sarek again, but he was gone. Amanda felt a strange sort of sinking in her chest as she scanned the crowd for him. She couldn't decide whether to be exasperated at Sarek, or grateful to him. She gave up and decided to get a glass of k'vass heavily watered down with juice to settle her mind a bit. As the sunlight faded, much to Amanda's relief, lights appeared at the edges of every pavilion and building, illuminating the square with slightly bluish light. The brightest lights glowed around the edges of the gemstone monument, making the stone glitter and shine. As Amanda watched it, she felt suddenly very alien. She was constantly discovering her deficiencies – words she didn't know to say, ways she didn't know to act. It was as though she was constantly two steps behind, and she was growing weary of trying to run and catch up. Loneliness settled behind her barricade, sulking and heavy. She wasn't sure if she would truly ever be at her ease here. Could Ataur teach her to deny her loneliness, like any other emotion?
It grew later, and Amanda watched as Vulcan parents gathered their children to herd them home. Her feeling of alienation grew as she watched the children leave. Now she would have no one to relate to. At least the children weren't so very closed off as their parents. She found a spot by herself on an open balcony overlooking the central square. The stones were still warm under her sandals from the sun's heat that had been pouring on them all day. She sipped at her juice and k'vass without much conviction, letting her mind wander as she watched the Vulcans celebrate below her.
"Are you not enjoying the celebration?" Amanda nearly jumped and spilled her drink, but she managed to contain her surprise. She looked around to see Sarek coming up the stairs behind her. A little tangled knot tightened behind her barricade as he approached.
"I am," She protested, relaxing again like a bird settling her ruffled feathers. "I suppose I wanted a moment to myself." The words were a little sharper than she had intended. In fact, she didn't really want to be alone, and was even glad to see Sarek here. She couldn't tell if she was annoyed or relieved when he ignored her.
"My father used to take me to this celebration when I was young." He said, coming up to stand beside her at the balcony. He folded his arms behind his back, looking down at the crowd. Amanda immediately thought he looked like a pretentious snob that way, but she surprised herself by with a follow-up thought that protested that he looked stoic and striking. Puzzled, she didn't say anything in reply, only took another sip of her drink. "He used to say that I always gave the better pebble to my mother." Once again, Amanda was inwardly surprised. Why was he telling her about his childhood?
"Oh." Was all she could muster in reply. Feeling that that she was letting her side of the conversation sag, she continued. "Why didn't your father attend this year?"
"Neither of us has returned for the festival since my mother died." Sarek said flatly. Amanda wanted to back away and flee down the stairs. It felt uncomfortable and strange to be hearing these things from Sarek. She had to hold her ground, however.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry." She said, for lack of anything else to say.
"Why should you apologize?" Sarek asked, turning to look at her for the first time. "Why do Humans always feel the need to apologize for things they have no control over?" Amanda was dumbfounded, unsure of how to reply.
"It's courteous among Humans." She said, after a pause. Sarek made a dismissive noise, but said nothing else. Amanda, full of confusion, went to rest her hands on the railing. An incredibly unpleasant shock went through her – she had accidentally placed her hand on top of Sarek's. The Vulcan jerked his hand away, his normally stony face contorted into an expression of shock and shame.
"I'm sorry," Amanda blurted, clenching her hands together behind her. "I didn't see your hand." How could she have done that? One of the first things that everyone learned about Vulcans was that their hands were completely off limits. No touching. They were touch telepaths, and only made contact with their hands in incredibly intimate, private settings. It was considered incredibly vulgar to touch another Vulcan's hands in public in any other way than the socially acceptable "kiss" that a bonded pair could exchange. Amanda had just pulled a very, very serious faux pas.
Within moments, however, Sarek's face was back to complete composure once more. Amanda, however, could feel the walls of her emotional fortress crumbling, bending under stress. She fought to keep them upright, forcing herself to breathe deeply. She wondered if Sarek was experiencing the same kind of crisis as she was – obviously he had handled it much better than she had. She could still see the strain in his eyes, however, as he said tightly, "It is of no matter. Be more careful in future." Amanda was surprised. She had expected him to spit at her and insult her clumsy Human ways. He did, however, turn abruptly and hurry away in tense, measured steps. Amanda collapsed back into her seat, her shoulders trembling very slightly.
Why did Sarek keep making her fumble like this? First his father's party, then the incident at the Children's Institute, and now this. She had to avoid him at all costs, Amanda decided. She could not risk any more mistakes that could compromise her position on Vulcan. No speaking to, seeing, or touching Sarek.
Author's Note: Sorry I took so long on these past chapters. I've been crazy busy, but I'm finally back home and I can write more now. I hope you guys are enjoying the story!