My Best Friend's Wedding
Disclaimer: If you think I own this, you are dumber than [insert stupid person here]
AN: We're heading towards the ending. One more chapter after this one – you're going to like that one – and then an epic epilogue.
I've been asked to include the following warning:
Warning: this chapter may contain feels. Too much consumption of these writings can have the following symptoms: laughing, crying, hysterical behavior, unexplained switching between happiness and depression, screaming of key phrases, and in extreme cases DEATH Read at your own risk.
Chapter seventeen: Let's Talk (About Sex)
Her big brother has always been one of her favorite people in the world, and that is why it always broke her heart that he resented her stupid brain. She idolized her big brother regardless, because people liked him a lot more than they liked her – apparently Gabriel never made people feel quite so stupid as she did. She was so much smarter than most other people her age that they taunted her and teased her and bullied her. Her brother may not have liked her all that much, but he always protected her.
"Can we talk?" her big brother looks particularly nervous, and she knows that this is probably going to get really good, really fast. "In private."
Gabriel is looking all around him like he is trying to find a spy, but that only serves to make him seem extremely paranoid about their conversation being overheard by the family members now present in the house. Everyone else is preparing for the farewell brunch, because her big brother is going back home – and taking his girlfriend along with him. She knows that Gabriel says that Éponine is not his girlfriend, but she also knows that Gabriel would not be sharing a bed with just anyone.
"Let's go upstairs," she walks ahead of him to the now empty guest bedroom.
All of his stuff has been packed already, and even dear Éponine has already tossed her bags into the back of Gabriel's car. The house already feels different without her brother's presence in the room down the hall, and she wonders why her own house would feel empty – she and Henry have barely gotten used to having Marie around, but there is still this emptiness where her brother used to be. Still, she appreciates having him around at all. She will miss him, but this time she knows that he will be back.
"What's wrong?" she asks, seeing him awkwardly standing in his own room – or the room that she kind of considers to be his. "You can sit down, you know."
He has followed her upstairs, but he has not quite managed to follow her into the bedroom, as he appears to be awkwardly hanging in the doorway. She has to motion rather exaggeratedly for him to come sit down right next to her, and it still takes him really too long to follow her orders to the letter. She is usually much more successful at making people do her bidding – she was a terror when she was pregnant.
"Éponine and I," he stammers, wringing his hands. "We are… I am… She… We…"
Oh, she is about to get that further look into that relationship after all. She thought that he would manage to stay away from her until the minute he left the house.
"Take a deep breath and just tell me what you need to say," she has to hide a smile.
"Would you happen to have some condoms lying around?" he just blurts it out.
That is just about the last thing that she would have expected him to ask her. He is her celibate big brother, the one who agreed with her when she said that boys were gross, and the one who understood how weird and gross first kisses were. He just never moved on from that stage, because he continued to believe that any kind of romance was a very ridiculous distraction from what he could accomplish out in the world. She is happy to see him change his mind about that – she never wanted him to be alone.
"That is a curious question to ask," she delays giving him any kind of answer.
"I suppose it might be," he continues to stammer. "Still, do you have any?"
His Éponine is surprisingly right for him, even though at first sight they seem like a very odd couple. The woman is much more mischievous and carefree than her brother has ever been, but somehow that manages to make him take on more of those qualities.
Still, he is remarkably embarrassed about having to ask her this question about his relationship and how it has been progressing – she is really trying not to pat him on the head and trying extra hard not to make a patronizing comment. She is still definitely going to make a few stupid jokes at his expense – she is his little sister after all, which means that making fun of him is basically in the contract. It comes with the deal.
"Why would you need them?" she has to make this embarrassing for him.
"I was going to have a water balloon fight later," he deadpans. "Natalie, please do not make this any worse than it already is. This is already mortifying enough for me!"
Oh, she is just going to keep drawing this out for as long as she can. Her big brother is coming to her for a freaking condom, and there is no way that she is going to let that opportunity for mockery just fly by without comment. She is going to go for this, because she is a recent mom who does not have a lot of fun excitement going on at the moment – especially not the kind of excitement that involves her older brother being the one to basically ask her for help. She kind of wants to give him the actual sex talk.
Then she realizes that him asking for condoms means that this would be the first time.
"You and Éponine have not had sex yet?" she asks, surprised at that much.
"I do not want to have this conversation," he looks away from her.
That is a definite yes, and she is starting to worry that the relationship between her brother and his first serious girlfriend is less than perfect. She wants him to have the same kind of happy ending that she got – finding the right person on the first try and building a life together. She wishes that he would realize that he is capable of so much love that any person in his life is lucky to have him. Right now, she will just tease.
"When you ask me for condoms," she starts with a gleeful grin, "you can expect getting the full interrogation of your relationship and your sex life."
There is no way that she is going to just give him condoms and send him off without so much as a "have good sex!" on the way out the door. She is going to make sure that he is ready for this huge step, and she is going to make sure that he actually loves this damaged girl – Éponine cannot hide everything behind a smirk or a smile. This relationship might be difficult, but she thinks that it can work.
"What do you absolutely have to know?" he reluctantly gives in to her.
"Everything," she starts, wanting to see him freak out a bit more. "Well, only just about everything. Why do you not have condoms when you are obviously with someone? How is that celibacy thing working out for you? How does Éponine feel about this?"
She has so many questions that she can ask him at this point, but she is already having trouble not tripping over her every word because she wants to say so much in such a short amount of time. She wants to fix his every problem and she wants to comfort him – but most of all she wants to know if he is very sure about taking this step.
"Are you even ready for this?" she runs out of steam.
"I don't know," he follows her lead, and they are both lost for words.
Her big brother is still so confused about relationships, and she knows that they have not gotten the most normal or conventional example of love – she never doubted that their parents do love each other very much. They have trouble showing it in normal ways, and they love each other too much to think of the children – at least that was how she used to feel when she was younger. Gabriel probably felt that way too.
"Talk to me, Gabe," she relies on the childhood nickname to do the trick.
"Nat," he sounds like that lost little boy again. "I do care about her. I really do. I don't know how she wormed her way into my heart, but she did. But I can't fall in love with her, Nat. I cannot be like dad, or like mom. I can't do it."
The sort of epic love that their parents have always claimed to have is not for the two of them. Sure, she loves Henry very much, and she will happily spend the rest of her life waking up next to him – but if he asks her to choose between him and Marie, she will choose her little girl without so much as a doubt. Still, she knows that Henry would do the same, and that he would never make her choose. Theirs is a love that will last a lifetime, but not the ages. She has enough romance, and she is happy in her own life – now all that is left is to make sure her big brother is happy as well. It is difficult.
"So why would you have sex with her?" she asks, hearing her heart breaking.
"I want to know what it's like," he stammers, but she knows that is only one part of his reason. "I do like her, and I am very much attracted to her physically. I think she might love me and I don't want to hurt her by withholding sex. I like her. I really do. I cannot picture myself being with anyone else in this way. I do not want anyone else."
Oh, he is in love with his Éponine, and while their love might not be as epic – no lives ruined yet, no bloodshed, no years and continents – she is sure it is a good kind of love and she is sure that it will make him change and grow.
She has seen this love in him – it has become so obvious to her in only a few days that she wonders why others have not seen it as well. He gravitates towards his Éponine whenever she is even remotely near him – she is gravity and he feels the pull every single time. He smiles more around Éponine, and when he talks about her she can read him like a book – he loves that girl, whether he wants to admit it or not. He touches her more than she has ever seen him touch anyone – he was always the way who was uncomfortable with hugs, until she saw him holding Éponine's hand as if this was just normal procedure for the two of them. That was when she knew it was real.
"Sex should be about love or like," she has to lecture. "Sure, you do not want to hurt her feelings, but if you are less than sincere about this, you will hurt her more."
He wants her to like him, it seems, but he does not want to admit to it. He wants to make his Éponine happy, but he does not quite know how to go about it without coming out of his comfort zone. He must though, because if he really wants to keep her, he cannot keep himself from loving her or keep himself from being with her. They must be able to move further, to progress and learn from each other. This is just one of the steps to take.
"I know," he seems pained at this.
"I will give you your condom," she tells him, trying to reassure him. "But I think you should think about it more. And I think that you should talk to Éponine about what you are feeling. You can tell her, and she will understand you."
At this point, she has stood up from the bed. She starts rummaging through the drawers of the nightstand next to it – because she was smart enough to leave condoms there if her brother was silly enough to forget them. Apparently he did not look very closely for the condoms – because they are right there in the drawer where she left them.
"She can't," he tries again, and she shakes her head.
"Gabe, that girl loves you," she now feels like an older sister. "I don't think she has ever been in a happy relationship, but she is still willing to try with you."
He appears to be thinking about that, as she tries to grab a whole bunch of the condoms in the drawer just so she can start getting him flustered again. This is just the kind of stuff she needs to make him blush and eventually crack a smile after she managed to bring up some old issues. Oh well, they'll muddle through.
"What kind of condom do you want?" she is ready to tease him once more. "I have ribbed for her pleasure, and there are probably some with flavors – if you want to get down."
That last dirty pun might be a bit too much, because her big brother appears to be choking on thin air in response. She is having too much fun with this, so she is just going to wait until he gives her a real response. She did ask a question, after all.
"Natalie," he is trying to sound admonishing, but she is not having any of that.
"Gabriel," she speaks in response, waving the merchandise in his face. "Which kind?"
All of this stuff so close to his face makes him fall off the bed, but he manages to catch himself before he hits the floor and actually hurts himself in the process. She stifles a laugh, and waits for him to get up before waving the condoms in his face again, just delighting in how flustered he gets because of it. Teasing her big brother is just too much fun, and she does not ever want it to end. He still has not answered her question.
"One of those ribbed things," he mutters so softly she can barely hear him.
"That is so lovely of you to think of your girlfriend's pleasure," she just has to make it worse than it already is. "You should take several. I don't know about your stamina, and you need to have a spare if one breaks. Just take the box, really."
There is no way that she even wants to think about her big brother's stamina and the dirty details of what he will get up to in bed with his dear girlfriend – yet, he reacts so wonderfully to her calling Éponine his girlfriend that she is going to keep doing it just for the response. And this conversation is so wonderfully awkward that she just has to basically throw the condoms at him just to see how he will react. Yes, she is remarkably immature for a young mother, but she really does not give a – crap. She cannot curse.
"Please just stop," her big brother begs of her.
"Only if you take all of these with you," she states her demands with a smile.
He takes the condoms quickly, obviously trying to figure out a place to hide them so that Éponine will not find them and think that he is either being extremely presumptuous or that he is actually sure about taking this next step – because she knows that her big brother still has not made up his mind about how he is going to proceed. She knows that he will make the right choice eventually, because he really does love Éponine – only he has yet to completely figure that out for himself. She is trying to give him time for that, while at the same time encouraging him to let go and to go for it. She is not sure if she managed to strike that delicate balance while handing out condoms, but she tried.
"Nice talking to you, big brother," she calls out as he rushes out the room.
Oh, she is going to enjoy making him uncomfortable throughout the entirety of brunch, because it amuses her and because it might make him step up and admit his feelings for Éponine. Really, she just wants her big brother to be happy.
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The brunch that she helped prepare has turned into a picnic rather quickly; seeing as this will probably be one of the last lovely days they have this year. There are no tables and no chairs. Everyone is just sitting on blankets and pillows that have been found in the attic or somewhere else around Natalie and Henry's house. She is currently sitting next to the man of the house, and she has absolutely no idea what to say to him.
She has not gotten to know Henry all that well over the craziness that were the last few days, and since Natalie is currently feeding little Marie, she does not even have the baby to play with to stave off the awkwardness. Her other option is staring at Gabriel's mother who is trying to attract everyone's attention by attempting to perform all kinds of acrobatics – to her son's great embarrassment. The woman will not be swayed though, and she is starting to understand that this is what can happen with someone who has her manic days. Every second brings a new impulse to go with, and she refuses to listen to the opinions around her. It seems terrifying to her.
"Are things always like this around here?" she figures she might as well ask Henry.
"Just about," he answers calmly, as if he is indeed used to this mess. "Usually Gabriel Senior is here to calm her down a bit, since he is the only one who can get through to her when she is – like this. It can be a bit difficult to adjust to."
If these are the happy days – the good days – she wonders how terrible the bad times can get. She does not want to ask, because it is an impertinent question – and also, she is not sure that she even wants to know right now. She was thrown right into the deep end with her Gabriel's family, and it feels like a lot to deal with when she does not even know if she will ever see these people again – 'Jolras might still reject her and leave her behind like the wedding never happened. She is not yet sure of her place in his heart.
On the one hand, he did tell his Dad that he actually has feelings for her, and he told Natalie the same thing, so that would mean that he might love her. On the other hand, he has run hot and cold with her so much lately that she does not know what to think. One moment he is kissing her and making her feel good, and the next moment he is distant and he cannot talk about anything anymore – let alone touch her. He creates both physical and mental distance and she cannot be in a relationship that way. Honestly, she just wants him to choose already – he needs to figure this out!
"It is still more pleasant than my family gatherings," she blurts out.
"I know what you mean," Henry tells her in return. "At least here you can see that they love each other, even though they show it in the oddest ways."
Mother dear is currently trying to outrun her son, and she is surprised to see him actually give chase – and even more surprised that she can tell by the hint of a smile on his face and his relaxed body language that Gabriel is almost enjoying running after his crazy mother. It seems like an old ritual that is repeated for the first time in ten years, and she shakes her head and hopes that one day she will understand.
"How long have you and Natalie been together?" she asks, not knowing what to ask.
"It's been ten years," Henry smiles at her awkward question, and he just goes along with the flow. "Nat and I are high school sweethearts, and high school was a pretty difficult time for the entire family – the meds were not working too well and the Gabriels were almost constantly fighting over school and everything else. Nat and I did some stupid things to get away from our families – but we grew up after your Gabe left."
Oh, while those stupid things sound relatively interesting, she really wants to know about her 'Jolras and his childhood and teenage years. She wants to know about all of his awkward moments and his fights with his dad and she wants to make it all okay again – and maybe then she will be good enough for him and they can be together.
"That must have really hurt Natalie's feelings," she sympathizes.
"Yes, very much so," Henry has no fond memories of that time. "She was left behind, and that is actually when their dad finally realized how left out she had been in the drama between everyone else. So, yeah, it got better after your Gabriel left."
Every single time that Henry calls him her Gabriel she gets those stupid flutters in her stomach and she just wants that to stop. At the same time, she loves that everyone can see that he is sort of hers, which means that there will not be any other girls coming out of nowhere to take him away – not that she thinks he would be interested in anyone else: she herself is more than enough of an exception for him. It is all so messed up.
"You keep calling him my Gabriel," she feels uncomfortable saying this.
"There are two men named Gabriel Enjolras here," Henry tells her, and she really thinks he does not understand what she is trying to get at. "And I know you both say that you are not together, but he is so obviously yours that I cannot say it any other way."
Only he is not hers yet, and she knows that a little too well, because she has spent the last few days worrying if he will ever be hers in any meaningful way. That is not fair to him though, because he has already made such a difference in her life. She is just trying not to get catty about her hurt feelings, and she is not succeeding all too well.
"He will get there eventually, Eponine," he continues to be a surprise.
Henry eyes her knowingly, and she has no idea just what it is about him, but she is trying to figure out just how much she said about her 'Jolras within earshot of him, because he has obviously managed to get a damn accurate picture of their relationship.
"Who are you?" she stammers, because somehow he sees everything.
"I am just Henry Goodman," he shrugs, as if he is nothing special, as if there is nothing to him whatsoever. "I am a pretty decent journalist at a reasonably prestigious newspaper, I have a lovely wife, a beautiful daughter, and my family is a total mess. There is not that much to me, Éponine. I am just alright at observing people."
This man is the calm at the center of the storm. Nothing seems to surprise him, and she does not doubt that he can be crazy when necessary for his wife or his daughter. He just accepts people and observes and listens so well. He reminds her of a mix of Combeferre and Jehan, and she knows that if Henry had not married Gabriel's sister, her 'Jolras actually would have been his friend. She actually rather likes Henry.
"I think you're brilliant," she tells him honestly, a content smile on her face.
"I happen to agree with that," Natalie and Marie join them on their quiet area.
The little baby girl is making pleased sounds as she sees her father, and Henry is quick to lift her into his arms. That makes little Marie even happier, and the girl gurgles, drooling on her father's clean shirt. He shares a fond smile with his wife and continues to play with his daughter. Natalie looks at her little family with love, before they are all distracted again by the running mother and son coming right past them.
"Mom is getting out the baby pictures," Natalie tells her that with a face that is much too happy for someone who is about to be extremely embarrassed. "I am so glad I hid my personal album, but she did bring Gabriel's childhood photos for you to see."
Oh, score! That might be a really childish way to respond to the probable humiliation of the man she loves, but she knows that this might be a whole new way to get to know more about him. His mother is bound to reveal some things, and even if she does not: a picture is worth a thousand words. She will be able to write novels about him after this, and she really cannot wait. She feels like she can barely write a decent brochure about him at this point, and she needs more if she is going to be in a relationship with him.
"You are looking as pleased as I hoped you would," Natalie grins at her.
Somehow the sight of Natalie grinning evilly has managed to stop her 'Jolras in his tracks and made him come over to the two of them. He is desperately making shushing motions to Natalie, and she appears to be trying not to break out in raucous laughter.
"Don't tell her about the things," he is still trying to be cryptic.
"I haven't said a thing about the things," Natalie does the Scout's Honor gesture. "We were just talking about the baby pictures Mom is going to show everyone."
For some reason Gabriel actually becomes more relaxed when he finds out about the embarrassing pictures, which means that the secret Natalie and he share is even worse than old pictures – which means that she will harass him on the way home until he tells her absolutely everything. She has lots of interesting ways to make him talk.
From the corner of her eye, she notices Senior carefully stepping outside – she is beyond happy that the man has been allowed to come home. He has been resting inside for most of the day, but he will be outside with them for the actual brunch part. His wife is almost too caught up in her delightful treat – the worn down photo album in her hands – to notice his arrival, but her 'Jolras points Senior out to his mother, and she smiles.
"There you are, dear Éponine," the mother in question sits down next to her.
"Hello Mrs. Enjolras," she has absolutely no idea how to address this woman.
This is more awkward than she thought it would be, even though Senior is right there and she likes him – and her Gabriel is there too, and she kind of loves him. Natalie is a great person, and she likes Henry and his observing skills – it is only Mrs. Enjolras that she does not really know yet. She is not even sure if she could like her.
"Call me Alice dear," Mrs. E is acting like a perfect suburban mother at this point.
"Just show her the pictures mom," Natalie interrupts, a big grin on her face. "You are going to die laughing. Especially when you see some of his brilliant hairdos."
Her 'Jolras is sitting behind her now, settling one of his legs on each side of her. They are nestled so close together that way that she worries about embarrassing herself in front of his family. She is also once again surprised by a 180 turn – he is pulling another back and forth and she just cannot keep letting herself go along with that. Still, they are in front of his family and he is showing affection and she still loves him.
"I love the curls," she blurts out, letting herself lean into the man behind her.
"Just don't tell me any gory details about that," Natalie teases, because of course there are things she would not want to know about her brother and his girlfriend.
That makes the man behind her huff, and she can feel his huff and his breaths because she is leaning against his chest and he is keeping her close. She experiences his every move up close and she is trying not to notice how good he is smelling and how his breath occasionally tickles the back of her neck – sometimes he does it a few times in a row and she just knows that he is doing it on purpose to get a response out of her.
"Here's our Gabe as a baby," Alice starts showing her the album.
The first picture is indeed of a newborn baby, one with wide blue eyes trying to take in the entire world all at once – and she can still recognize her 'Jolras in that tiny face. The little baby does not have that many curls yet, but it is so obviously him that she has to giggle at it. He sighs again, and the air tickles her neck. She cannot sit still.
"He is adorable," she smiles, and waits for Alice to turn the page.
"Here we have the typical naked baby photos," Natalie knows just what's ahead.
She is pretty hesitant about looking at those, because it feels awkward for a baby photo to be the first time that she actually sees him naked. She hums noncommittally and waits for the next picture to appear, hoping that this did not make him too uncomfortable.
"We're skipping the nudity," her 'Jolras turns the page, and comes even closer to her in the progress. "I don't mind stupid Halloween pictures, but no nudity!"
There is some protest from his mother and his sister, but she pointedly refrains from protesting, so they allow her 'Jolras to move on to a surprisingly weird picture of little Gabriel in his Halloween costume – dressed as a pirate one year, and dressed as what the captions say is "a revolutionary" in a later year. The curls are already wild and untamed and his eyes shine with a passion that she finds admirable.
"Where is that picture from?" she points to her 'Jolras in tights.
"That is from one of the many shows dear Gabriel starred in in high school," Alice is practically beaming with pride. "His friend Ralph got him into that."
Ralph? Ralph? Her dear R is actually named Ralph? That is just too much. She is really trying not to start laughing, but the chuckles get the best of her and her shaking shoulders seem to get Gabriel's attention, because he starts to laugh along with her.
"Ralph?" she manages to sputter in between bursts of laughter.
"Why do you think he makes everyone call him R?" her 'Jolras asks in return.
While she is so busy laughing her Gabriel exhales near the back of her neck again, and a shiver rolls down her spine slowly. She is already a bit off balance when he actually plants a soft kiss near the side of her neck – where it meets her shoulder. She takes a deep breath before he does it again, and her laughter is almost forced now.
"That is too priceless," she is still laughing, though she is startled by his actions.
"And this is Gabriel playing the Captain in the Sound of Music," Alice shows her a lovely shot of a cute teenage Gabriel wearing a swoon-worthy uniform. "I've always thought that he looked so very handsome in that uniform – and I can see you agree with me."
Yes, she does love a handsome man in a uniform. And while the picture of him playing Danny in Grease makes her giggle at the memory of karaoke night – the slicked back curls do not really do it for her. She keeps looking back at the uniform until Alice turns another page and she sees her 'Jolras in another uniform in the picture on the right side, and in the most unforgiving pants known to musical theater in the picture on the left.
Her Gabriel has actually worn those tight white pants – and he wore them well.
"Nice ass," she shifts a bit to whisper those words into his ear.
"Don't objectify me," he replies, and she can actually almost hear his smile.
Their interaction earns them some comments, like "aww" and "how sweet" and so many other cutesy things. She would normally hate every bit of that, but now that she is with her 'Jolras and his family, it seems to be rather pleasant.
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"Give him a break," Natalie tells her as they hug goodbye. "He really is trying. We talked earlier – he came to ask me for advice. We talked about sex. He is getting there."
She is startled to hear that confession, but she tries to pretend that her future sister-in-law said nothing special – yes, she is still going to try to hold on to the silly idea that she and Gabriel might live happily ever after in the end. Gabriel cannot know that Natalie told her any kind of secret, because she suspects that this has something to do with the supremely awkward "things" conversation that they had earlier.
"Thank you," she tells Natalie, unable to specify just one single thing.
"I'll be seeing you," Natalie really seems to believe this. "Even if my big brother is content to be an idiot forever, you should not forget about us. Okay?"
The wink she gets after that statement makes her smile, and she knows that she just might have made a friend for life in Natalie, even though she has messed up several times over the last few days. Henry is smiling as well when they hug – a bit awkwardly, because they have only had the one conversation with just the two of them.
"I am not an idiot," her 'Jolras does hear that part, of course.
"You can be sometimes," Alice tells her son, and immediately turns to face her. "My dear Éponine, you must ask Gabe to bring you for a visit more often!"
While her 'Jolras is left dealing with that slight insult from his mother, Alice steps in for a hug – what is it with the Enjolras family and hugging? She has never been the kind of girl to hug a family member as a goodbye – only dear Gavroche lets her do that from time to time. Azelma does not particularly like physical contact from anyone, and she cannot blame her for that. So this is all very new to her, and that makes it uncomfortable, but also kind of pleasant at the same time. She will learn to get better at this.
"I can see if my wiles still work on him," she immediately goes back to teasing her 'Jolras when she is let out of that big hug. "So far it has worked pretty well."
This has managed to make Senior laugh as well, and she is extra gentle when giving the old man a hug too – he looks better now than he did in that hospital bed. Senior does not let her treat him as if he is a frail old man, because he gives her a strong hug that makes her smile – he just as stubborn as his son, which definitely explains a lot.
"Say bye to uncle Gabe and auntie Éponine, Marie," Natalie fans the flames again.
She is nobody's aunt, but she values the sentiment, and she appreciates that it brings the blush back to her Gabriel's face. Everyone around him knows that something is going to happen between the two of them, if only he would just give in already.
"Okay, that's enough," Henry gently admonishes his wife. "We don't want to ruin this."
Her 'Jolras is already getting in the car, and she is left smiling at his family and wanting to tell them just how much their open arms have meant to her, but not being able to find the right words to say just that. So she just smiles at all of them one more time, gives a cute wave to little Marie, and then she gets in the car next to the most confusing man she knows. They will be locked in a moving car together for the next three or four hours, and that will give her plenty of time to get some answers to her questions.
"I will see you back here for Thanksgiving," Alice orders them, almost bouncing in place.
"I will try," her 'Jolras says, before starting the engine and drowning out his family's pleas for the two of them to come back soon. "Goodbye!"
With that, he unceremoniously drives off, and she has to bite back a laugh – she knows that he is trying to avoid any awkward questions or comments, and she also knows that is not going to work out too well for him. She is not going to forget her questions that easily, and she still does not know what the mysterious things are. She is going to find out everything if it is the last thing she does – he should be warned about this, really, but she likes it more when he is surprised and flustered. He is much more likely to give her all of the answers that way. As long as he doesn't crash the car, they will be just fine.
"Question time," she tells him before they have even left town.
"I should have known," he replies, now looking more resigned than scared.
He is still maneuvering through traffic with remarkable ease, so she figures that they are not in any particular danger of him accidentally crashing the car and killing them both.
"You talked about sex with Natalie," she figures she has to get the sex issue out of the way before they can make any kind of progress – and since there are still four hours left, she knows the topic will not have to be cut short. "So, since you have told me that you are celibate, I am curious to find out what was discussed in this conversation."
In her own opinion, she has every right to hear his thoughts about his celibacy and if he is going to continue not pursuing her sexually. She would jump on him the minute he said that he wanted to and was ready to have sex with her – no lies.
"She told you that, didn't she?" he still has to ask the obvious question.
"No details, just that you talked about sex," she promises, quickly taking a peek at him.
Yes, he does look distinctly uncomfortable talking about sex, but if they even have the slightest chance of building a real relationship together they are going to have to have this talk eventually. So she is just going to steamroll right over any objections he might have to the topic and get her damn answers. Honestly, sometimes she is so turned on by him that she has trouble stifling moans and she is damn well going to find out if he feels the same and if he wants to do something to relieve that sweet, sweet ache.
"That much is true," he continues to be spectacularly evasive on this topic.
"Do I really have to drag it out of you?" she is not happy about that idea. "I have my tricks and I can probably make you tell me everything if I want to. I just want you to tell me of your own volition. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who wants this."
The hurt from his several 180s has not gone away, and if he does not change his actions pretty soon, she knows that she will be hurting over this for a long time. If he does not want her this way, she will probably still be the best friend that he could ever want, but she might have to seek out other avenues of satisfaction. If there was absolutely no way that he would want her, she would have been happy with her hand and some toy – but he has shown so many signs of wanting her that she is confused about the reasons he could have for not asking for more than kisses. She is just so confused and (sexually) frustrated and she wants some damn answers, and she wants them now.
"Fuck, 'Ponine," he raises his voice and she tries to shake off the fog that came over her brain when he said those words in one sentence. "Don't ever think that this is not hard for me too. I want you pretty much all of the time and that is terrifying!"
And with that outburst they are finally getting to the root of the problem. He does not know this kind of feelings, never having felt this way before, and he is probably terrified at the intensity of them and at their frequency. Lord knows that she is occasionally freaked out about how intense her feelings of lust – and occasionally love – are for him, and so quickly after she gave up on her feelings for Marius.
"You could have just said that sooner, you know," she fondly rolls her eyes at him.
"I am still figuring this out," he tells her in response, his hands white from holding on tightly to the steering wheel. "I am not even sure that I am ready, and I am not sure that I want to give up on celibacy – I am not sure I want to change my life completely. That is what would happen if we did give in to these feelings. Everything would change!"
Okay, so he is planning on this being life-changing sex, and she can totally get on board with that. She is totally ready to make this life-changing for him, and she has no doubt that he will try to make it as life-changing as possible for her as well. Still, this is all in hypotheticals if he cannot figure out if he really wants to proceed with this.
"I am scared too," she blurts it out before she can second-guess herself.
"Why would you be scared?" he does not seem to understand that. "You have been in a relationship before. You have done this before. Why would it still be scary?"
Oh, sometimes she forgets that he is inexperienced and that he does not know the effect that unrequited feelings, lost love, or bad endings to a relationship can have. He might think that he knows if from having seen it, but he has never been there himself. But she can make him understand that, if she is just honest with him, no matter how absolutely terrifying she finds that. Everything about this is scary and terrifying and awkward, but it is the only way that they will be able to figure this out together.
"I am scared because I have feelings for you," she figures that she might as well go all out and admit everything. "I just got over my stupid feelings for Marius, and my last and only boyfriend turned out to be a violent asshole who almost killed me. I'm terrified that I will hurt you or drag you down with me somehow. I don't want to hurt you or be the reason that you give up on love or sex forever. Fuck. I need to stop talking."
They have reached the highway and he puts the pedal to the metal – he is not going over the speed limit, of course, but he does like to go fast, at least when he is driving.
"So we are both not sure where to go," he summarizes.
"What now?" she asks, wanting to let him call the shots at this point.
She is the one willing to go forward with this regardless of her fears, but she is also going to let him make the decisions, since he is the one with serious doubts. She would never want to push him into something like this without being sure about his actions, and if he needs more time for that her libido is just going to have to deal.
"Ask your questions," he speaks calmly, and she is pretty darn surprised by that.
"So, you do have feelings for me?" she knows that she is asking a pretty stupid question, because he has mentioned this before – but she has to know.
"Yes, I do," he answers her question honestly. "And before you ask the typical follow-up question: yes, these feelings are feelings of love and lust. I think I am in love with you, and of course I am attracted to you. I guess you already knew that last part."
It is so nice to hear it straight from him and right to her face instead of him telling it to his family. Now they both know, and that will make things easier for them.
Oh, honestly, while she can try all she wants to make this just another casual thing that he says, she still has all of the silly aftereffects of his statement. Her heart is racing like she has been on a long run instead of sitting still in a car, and the butterflies in her stomach are keen on making their presence very much known to her. He does love her, he really does! The smile on her face might approach coat hanger in the mouth proportions at this point, but she is simply too happy to give a shit about that. Why would she give a shit about anything else now that she knows that he loves her?
"He loves me," she mutters it under her breath, trying not to let him know.
Sure, their problems are not entirely solved by this. But it still means everything.
"Now, what do we do about this?" she asks the all-important question.
She is vibrating in her seat and she is willing him not to notice, but the way he keeps looking her way from the corner of his eyes and trying to hide chuckles, that tells her that her subterfuge skills might not be as good as they used to be.
They share a quick and shy smile, ready to move forward.
"I'd suggest we take it one step at a time," he shrugs, seemingly not having a clear answer ready for her. "But I know that's what we've been doing, and I haven't always been too good at taking steps away from what I've always known."
Yes, he is indeed a big fan of staying in his comfort zone, but he has also already taken several steps away from this comfort zone. He has held her and touched her and he has actually fallen in love with her – she never would have been able to imagine anything like this happening when she asked him to come to Marius' wedding with her.
"Can we try for more?" she has to ask, hoping he will understand what she means.
"I asked Natalie for condoms," he does seem to understand just what she means, but this confession definitely surprises her. "She insisted on embarrassing me for a while, but she eventually gave them. Should I have said that? I don't know. I just – I just want you to understand that I am trying, and that we should try. Just, I want to be ready."
Now she worries that he might try to hard to make things okay for her, and she would never want him to do anything like that. She wants him to be ready, but she would not want him to force it. Ugh, her thoughts are a mess on this whole topic.
"Please don't force it," she pleads with him, wanting to make this thing perfect.
"You can count on me to say what I think," he is now actually teasing her.
He does have a good point about that, because he has never been the type of guy who would hide his opinion about anything. He would tell her very openly if he thought that something was wrong, odd, or otherwise unpleasantly different than before. He would not just agree with her to keep her complacent – that is actually one of the things that she just might love the most about him. He fights for what he cares about, and he is not going to be shushed by other people's opinions on the subject.
She knows that he would fight for her, if he were so inclined.
"I am still going to be around even if we fuck up the relationship part," she suddenly understands that this is something that he needs to hear. "I was your friend before I figured out that I wanted to be in a relationship with you, and I can go back if you want us to just be friends, so you can live the life you lived before."
Knowing her, she will probably fuck this and him up beyond belief, and after that he will not even want to be her friend anymore. But she has absolutely no doubt that she will always want to be near him – for the rest of her natural-born life. She loves being his friend and his partner in crime, and while she would prefer to be more than his friend, she could be content with being a best friend to him. That could work.
"It will not be like it was before," he too has a point he wants to make known. "Once I know what a relationship is like, what sex is like – I am not sure I will want to go back to before. And I can't be like my mother, taking and not being able to give."
So he is saying that being celibate only worked for him because he did not know what sex was like? He is seriously underestimating his own powers of compartmentalization and his strength of mind. He can do anything he wants to do, if he just puts his mind to it – and that would work on sex and love as well as anything else.
Still, the part that gives her the most cause for concern is his mistaken idea that all he does is take and take and take – when he is honestly one of the most giving people that she has ever met. She is not even sure what she would have done without him.
"You give plenty," she smiles at him, placing her hand on his thigh.
"But I walked away so many times," he sputters, trying to hold true to these ridiculous thoughts. "I walked away from you at the hospital, when you almost died!"
Really? He saved her life and still he feels guilty for leaving her in the capable hands of the doctors and not sitting at her bedside until she woke up? He gave her Marius sitting at her bedside instead, and finding him there instead of her best friend would only have made her very hostile towards him – she really disliked him back then, and she might have done something stupid to thank him for saving her life.
"Gabriel," she says, trying to pour out all of her feelings for him in that one word. "You saved my life that night! I don't mind that you did not stick around for whatever reason you had. I woke up and Marius was there and that is all I wanted back then."
She was so stupid back then, only wanting her Marius and not seeing anyone else around her. The Amis were distant friends, but they were so nice to her after she broke up with Montparnasse – even if they did not know the real reason behind it. Her 'Jolras would look at her scar with a paling face and clenched hands. She never made the connection to him being her savior – she just figured he had a different reason to see her wounds and for him to be terrified of them. She did not know him at all.
"I was scared," he tells her, hands clenched on the steering wheel.
"That's okay," she tells him, because she knows plenty about fear and hospitals.
There have been so many times that she was scared to be caught out and taken into foster care away from her siblings – but she still had to go to the hospital with them because broken bones do not heal easily without professional help. She knows fear too well, and while she knows his will be different, she is trying to understand.
"When I was ten or eleven years old," he starts a story that she has never heard before, and one that will undoubtedly be painful. "My mother went through a really bad depression. She tried to kill herself one night with my father's razor. Nat and I found her on the bathroom floor, bleeding out. It took ages for the ambulance to come, and she was in the hospital for such a long time that I was scared she wouldn't come back."
Well, she certainly was not expecting that. She has to wrench his right hand from the steering wheel so that she will be able to take it in hers, because he will not respond to calming words – he needs to feel that she is there for him, to support him.
"I was scared for you," he continues, choking back the feelings.
"I am still here, and so is your mom," she reminds him of that, squeezing his hand. "I am going to be here for as long as I possibly can. We'll be okay, Enj."
He worries so much that he cannot love the right way, when he is the one saving almost strangers from their evil boyfriends and making sure that the person they love is right there at their bedside. She is going to spend the rest of her life making sure that he knows just how amazing he is and how much he means to her, and she is surprisingly okay with that idea. She could see herself doing that for the rest of her life.
It is a terrifying but wonderful idea.
AN: As always, leave your favorite parts/lines/moments/etc. in your comment/review/message. I love you all!