Amanda spent the rest of the night in a daze, trying to shore up the semi crumbled walls of her emotional barrier. George was taken aback by her sudden closed-off behavior, but he seemed to accept it as a form of shell shock, and gave her a slightly concerned smile and hug as goodbye. T'Rea also immediately picked up on Amanda's distress. She ushered her away from the party and back into her hovercar without so much as an "Are you all right?" During the ride back home Amanda felt exhausted and feeble with weariness. This made stripping off the beautiful party dress far more taxing than it would have been. Amanda left it in a pearlescent puddle by her bed, the shining hairpins left scattered over her nightstand like greenish stars. Sleep was a welcome relief.
The next morning Amanda woke later than usual. She moaned and pushed her face into the pillow, dreading what would come with the new day. She had accepted sleep as a blissful shut-down of her anxious mind, and now that she was awake all of her turbulent thoughts were back with her. These were shunted to one side, however, by the memory of a fast fading dream. Amanda opened her eyes and looked across her bed out the window as the last eddies of the dream faded away.
A sandcastle, on beaches she had visited as a child, at home, on Earth. The castle was a crude construction, one she had made herself with clumsy hands. The tide was coming in. She knew she had to protect it, to keep the sandy towers from collapsing into the water, but her movements were sloth-slow. Somehow she couldn't get there fast enough to shield the defenseless fortress. The first wave was about to break and destroy her castle, her refuge...
She was alone in the Principle Building, surrounded by the towering thrones of the High Council. Their faces were blurred in shadows, severe shades in an already dark hall. Amanda tried to stand up, but she was encumbered by swathes of beautiful fabric. She stumbled over the colorful cloth, and her palms hit the hard, cold marble.
"Let me help you," Amanda looked up. Sarek was standing by her side. He held out his hand to her. Amanda, unthinking, reached out and took Sarek's hand in hers. A blossom of pain sprouted on her palm and raced up her arm. She cried out...
Amanda blinked and pushed her tangled hair out of her eyes. Unpleasant, but it was fading. She got out of bed and dressed, taking extra time to clean off the previous night's makeup and brush out her hair. Feeling slightly plainer but lighter, she went downstairs. She was surprised to find Ataur standing on her doorstep, looking up at her with a pleasant light in his eyes.
"Good afternoon, Amanda." He said, presenting the ta'al. "Have you slept well?"
Amanda hurried down the rest of the stairs, flustered. "I am sorry, Ataur, I did not realize what time it was." And I completely forgot we had a lesson today. "Have you been here long?"
"I arrived 3.46 minutes ago, but please, do not hurry on my account." He said pleasantly. T'Iva appeared behind him, looking straightfaced as usual.
"T'sai, I have prepared breakfast for you." She said.
Amanda's anxiety increased. "Oh. Er, have you eaten, Ataur?"
"I have, but a cup of tea while you eat your own breakfast would be satisfactory." A little bit of Amanda's worry slid off of her, thankful again for Ataur's understanding.
"Thank you." She said. "The dining room is this way."
She and Ataur sat down at the small table, T'Iva going off to prepare a cup of strong tea for Ataur. Amanda's own breakfast was fresh fruit, a pleasant substance not dissimilar to yoghurt, and nut bread. There was also tea, a little less bitter than Ataur favored, for her to drink. Amanda ate hungrily, but she endeavored to hide it from Ataur. She'd had too many incidents of showing her emotions in front of Vulcans recently. Ataur sat in silence for a few moments, then spoke suddenly, lowering his cup from his lips.
"Concerns are weighing on you, Amanda." Amanda was too troubled to attempt to hide it from Ataur. She set down her spoon and sighed. Ataur quirked an eyebrow. "If you wish to unburden yourself, I will try to help you with your problem." He said. Amanda caught the scent of his tea. It reminded her of the sea.
"Ataur," She began, dreading his reaction. "I am aware of the Vulcan custom of privacy about...romantic relationships, but I need some council. I'm afraid it's over my head."
"A curious Human expression," Ataur said. Amanda met his eyes, wondering at his levity. She had expected him to close off and refuse to speak with her. Instead, he seemed the same old Ataur, airy and somewhat detached. "I will do my best to help you. What is it you wish to know?"
"You're sure it's all right to tell me about it? I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Amanda said, feeling rather uncomfortable herself.
"It is perfectly all right, Amanda." Ataur said, a smile in his eyes. "I understand that you should have some difficulties of this kind. In fact, I am rather pleased to hear it." Amanda blinked, surprised. She certainly hadn't expected him to say that. "Vulcans may not seem to have deep relationships with friends or family like Humans do. Humans perceive us to be exceptionally cold because of this, I believe. In fact, Vulcans create very deep ties to their friends and family - so deep that they are linked in mind and spirit. Every Vulcan child creates telepathic bonds with his or her parents, and siblings if they have any. We draw on these bonds to help stabilize and strengthen us. These bonds are one of the tools Vulcans use to suppress and control their emotions. It is a source of power that is vital to every Vulcan. A Vulcan without these bonds is alone - completely and utterly alone. It is a very painful state to be in." A little flash of something unfamiliar appeared in Ataur's eyes. It was gone as soon as it had appeared, but Amanda was certain she saw it.
"I don't understand," Amanda said. "How could these ties be relevant to me? Humans aren't capable of creating telepathic bonds. We're practically psi-null."
Ataur leaned forward slightly. "That is why I am pleased, Amanda. But you should tell me the nature of your problem before I explain further."
Puzzled, but eager to have her worries about Sarek off her chest, Amanda nodded and licked her lips. "Recently I have...recently...Recently, Ambassador Sarek has been acting different towards me." She felt a blush surging for her cheeks and fought to suppress it. "We touched hands at the Kamteh festival- accidentally, of course, but...it happened again at the market the other day. And last night, I was talking with Lieutenant Kirk, one of the crew of the U.S.S. Kelvin, and Sarek sort of...Sarek grabbed him and pulled him away from me. Violently." Ataur's expression remained calm, although Amanda could see another lightning flash of strangeness in his eyes.
"I see." He said. He paused for a moment - what seemed an eternity to Amanda - before speaking again. "Well, it is as I had supposed. Not all Humans are unreceptive, let us say, to Vulcan telepathy. These Humans can bring about subconscious attraction in Vulcans - I believe this must be the case with Sarek. I think that you are more telepathically responsive than other Humans, Amanda. In many ways this is a great gift, especially if you continue studying here on Vulcan. You will be able to experience parts of our culture that are not available to all Humans. It is rare enough, special enough, that you would be accepted more readily among us. Tell me, have you ever heard of the Vulcan mind meld?"
Amanda stared at him. She'd heard some bits and pieces about Vulcan telepathic communication, enough to know that Vulcans were touch-telepaths, but not much more than that. She shook her head. "I'm not familiar with the term." She said.
"It is a form of communication between Vulcans that is very intimate and very personal. Through the meld, Vulcans can share thoughts, feelings, and emotions with each other. We generally meld with those who are closest to us: our bosom friends, parents, and lovers. The meld is only initiated between two Vulcans who are bonded to one another, especially between lovers, because this is the strongest bond that a Vulcan will form during his lifetime."
Amanda opened her mouth to ask again what this had to do with her, but Ataur held up a hand to silence her. "I tell you this because Humans that are responsive to Vulcan telepathy are capable of forming this type of bond with a Vulcan. Capable of both forming and reciprocating this bond. Of course, you needn't choose to marry a Vulcan, but you have the option." Amanda couldn't help it, her mouth fell open. She stared at Ataur for a long moment before she managed to muster a reply.
"M-marry a Vulcan?" She stammered. "I can barely imagine myself marrying a Human." But then the blush reappeared as Sarek's form appeared in her mind.
The smile came back to Ataur's eyes. "As I said, you do not have to if you do not wish to. It is your choice. However, Sarek's attraction to you is easily explained because of this. All Vulcans are drawn to those that they are capable of forming strong bonds with."
"But, Sarek is...so cruel, and so rude to me." She said. That's not true.
Ataur sat back in his seat and folded his hands in his lap. "Perhaps his rudeness upon your first meeting was a reaction to your allure. I believe Humans would call this a 'knee jerk' reaction. It is not uncommon for our feelings to become confused, just as Human feelings do."
Amanda looked down at her plate. Suddenly she felt very much like crying.
"Amanda, what you choose to do with what I have just told you is your decision. I believe that Sarek's rather reprehensible actions last night were a loss of control. As I told you, Vulcans feel things very strongly, and it is not always easy to keep feelings in balance. I suspect that Sarek felt a surge of jealousy when he saw you with the Lieutenant. In a momentary lapse he allowed his baser nature to take over. Was the young man harmed?"
"No." Amanda said. "George - Lieutenant Kirk - is fine. It was certainly very unpleasant, though."
"I understand." Ataur said, a touch of reassurance in his tone. "But Amanda, I would not judge Ambassador Sarek too harshly. He is young yet, and in our youth we are still unstable."
"Perhaps he shouldn't have been appointed Ambassador then, if he's prone to flying into a rage like that." Amanda said, unable to restrain the dryness in her tone.
There was another smile in Ataur's eyes. "Amanda, I believe you are underestimating yourself. Not many men can function properly when a lovely young lady is in their presence."
After Ataur's visit, Amanda spent the rest of the day trying to meditate. She was determined to complete her protective wall. She was tired of being so vulnerable to own emotions. Back home it had never been a problem. She felt what she felt; anger, joy, sadness, it didn't matter. Now, however, she was frightened of her own reactions. And, after seeing Sarek become so inflamed with anger and jealousy as to physically hurt another person, she was hell bent on making sure she never lost control like that. Of course, she'd never reach the intense level of Sarek's outburst, but a sign of anger at an inappropriate time, a hint of sadness in the wrong place...she couldn't risk it.
Unfortunately her confused state of mind was making meditation even harder than it normally was. Amanda tried to relax - the candles Ataur had given her were lit, her room darkened by covering the windows - but she seem unable to calm herself. Her mind kept straying back to Sarek. She was horrified at how he had reacted when he saw her with George, but some little part of herself was still blushing from their oddly flirtatious moments together. She felt ashamed. What right did she have to flirt with a Vulcan? Well, if Ataur's ideas were right, maybe she did have more license than she thought. Still, whenever Sarek appeared in her mind (which was often) his image was accompanied by currents of anger, curiosity, fear and desire. It was as though her mind was battling with itself; her fear of Sarek's intensity against her intense curiosity about him. She felt spent and tired, but she pushed herself to keep going. She could persevere, and she wouldn't give up until she did.
Finally, exhausted but pleased with her work, Amanda extinguished her candles and opened the curtains to let the afternoon light come in. Although the scent of the candle smoke was still heavy in the air, the light seemed to open the room to the city beyond. It made Amanda smile.
"T'sai," Amanda turned to see T'Iva at the door. "T'Rea is here to see you." Amanda's heart sank. Was she going to get a lecture on proper behavior? She didn't want to talk about Sarek anymore. She didn't want to bare her feelings again, even to T'Rea. But she had to be polite, and besides, she was fond of T'Rea. Amanda nodded and followed T'Iva down to the main sitting room, where T'Rea had already made herself quite at home.
"Ko'kan," T'Rea said, standing. There was gentleness in her tone that quite effectively soothed Amanda's nerves. "I have good news." Curious, Amanda extended a respectful ta'al and went to sit beside T'Rea, who resumed her own seat. T'Iva went off to prepare tea, moving away on silent steps.
"Because of your diligent work at the Children's Institute, the directors of the school have offered you the opportunity to teach a course in Terran culture and languages in their elementary program. I am impressed by your progress mysef, that the directors should ask you to perform this task. As you must have gathered, teachers are very highly valued in Vulcan culture."
Amanda was struck dumb for a moment. Her own class? She had never imagined that she would be able to take an active role in her studies at the Children's Institute. She felt so much like an outsider there, even though they were perfectly kind to her. It was an honor she had never expected to receive. Now she was fighting to keep herself from smiling at T'Rea. "I am very honored," She managed to say finally. "Thank you for bringing me this news. I am grateful." She was immensely grateful, more than T'Rea could know. This was exactly the lift that her spirit needed right now. Her own class!
"You are welcome, ko-kan. I believe that you will be instructing children between the ages of five and seven, for three hour long periods a week. It will not be a large class, of ten students. They have preliminary knowledge of Federation Standard. Your task will be to enhance their understanding of complex grammatical structures, as well as presenting lectures on the history and cultures of Earth."
Amanda felt the urge to raise her eyebrows. "I wasn't aware that Vulcan children leaned foreign languages so young."
T'Rea nodded. "Federation Standard is taught simultaneously with our own tongue. As younger children do not have much opportunity to practice it in their daily lives, they are not fluent until they reach approximately age 10, although some learn faster than others."
Amanda swallowed and nodded. Of course, teaching advanced language would be more difficult than teaching the basics, but she was determined to do it well. After all, this was what she had been dreaming of - a little different, perhaps, but still the same idea. She would be teaching children, bringing new experience to their lives, and that was all she needed. "How should I get in contact with the directors?"
"So you have decided to accept? Very good. I will notify the Institute, and give you the relevant information soon. They are eager to have you start soon. Is that acceptable?" T'Rea said smoothly.
"Ah, yes, that is acceptable." Amanda said, feeling a little dazed, but happy. "I'll begin work on a lesson plan."
"Very good." T'Rea stood suddenly, her long robes moving as though she were a lovely bird taking flight. "I will be in contact with you soon." She looked down solemnly at Amanda. "You have done very well, Amanda. I look forward to your further success." With that, she swept off, leaving Amanda in a bit of a muddle, but a pleased one. Eager to get started, Amanda raced up the stairs as soon as T'Rea had departed. She would, of course, have to call her parents first and tell her the good news.
"Congratulations!"
George was of course the second person Amanda told. It was the next afternoon, and she and Lieutenant Kirk were walking along a boulevard that afforded a wonderful view of the city. Amanda smiled, unable to contain her pleasure. "Thank you, George." She was glad of his company and his warm congratulations - there was nothing like sharing your happiness with a friend to make it bigger.
They paused at a stall selling light snacks to passerby, where George bought them two small bags of a semi-sweet Vulcan treat. "It's on me," He said, grinning. "Normally I'd take you out for a drink or something, but Lang's keeping me on a tight leash and I haven't got much of an allowance." Amanda shook her head, happy for the present.
"Don't worry about it, this is plenty!" She said. "I wouldn't enjoy a drink nearly as much. K'vass makes me dizzy, and it seems to be in every alcoholic drink here."
George chuckled as they set off down the little avenue again. "Oh, yeah, some of the boys went out last night and got completely smashed on that stuff. Lang was pretty huffy about it - apparently the hangover k'vass gives you is five times as long as one from any Terran alcohol. Those guys won't be suitable for any duty for a while."
"Is Prais still giving you trouble?" Amanda asked.
"Not really. Lang has figured out how to shake him off - it works two out of three times. Start talking Starfleet technical and Prais gets a glazed look in his eyes. No wonder he didn't make it past captain before they retired him." George popped another candy in his mouth and spluttered slightly. "Damn, trust Vulcans to put heat in their candy!"
Amanda laughed. "Sorry, I should have warned you about that. I find it so interesting that Vulcans like such strong flavors in their food. I guess it's an outlet for them."
George shrugged. "I like this okay - it's interesting. Here, let's stop here for a while." He gestured to a little overlook that was out of the way of the main walking path. "We can enjoy the view."
They went to the balcony and stood there for a moment in silence. Amanda watched Vulcans in the busy streets below them. Women and men, children and elders, going about their daily lives. "I do love it here." She said out of the blue, watching as two older men chatted with a boy who couldn't have been more than thirteen. She turned to see that George was watching her with a smile.
"Yeah, I can tell you do." He said, and his expression softened. "Amanda, is everything okay? I know there aren't a lot of people you can talk to here...I mean, talk like with a Human. If there's anything bothering you, I'm a good listener, I promise."
Amanda put a hand on his forearm and gave him a little smile. "Don't worry about me." She said. "It's nothing I can't handle." She looked away for a moment, and then sighed. There was a young woman walking with a young man on the street below them. Both Vulcan, and although they didn't show it outwardly, Amanda suspected that they must be a couple.
"Are you sure?" George asked. "I don't know what's going on with you and Sarek but...I don't want you to get hurt. Physically or in any other way."
Amanda met his eyes again. So very blue, much brighter than her own. "I don't think he'll hurt me, George. The problem is that...well, I'm not really sure how to explain it. Apparently I'm more telepathically receptive than the average Human...It was a bit confusing to me, but the long and the short of it seems to be that Sarek likes me. And, even though he's been horrible on occasion, I think I like him too...a little bit." She bit her lip. "Does that make me a weak person?"
George's smile was like a beam of sunshine through dark clouds. "Amanda, don't worry about it. I've seen guys do a lot worse than that for a girl they wanted."
"But, for a Vulcan, that was practically like pulling out a knife and stabbing you."
George chuckled. "Do you see any knife wounds? I don't think that liking Sarek makes you weak. In fact, I'm really impressed with how strong you are. You came out here alone to live with an alien culture that didn't look all that kindly on you, and you're going farther than anyone expected. You just landed a teaching gig, with Vulcans! That's damn impressive to me." George shrugged. "And as for Sarek...as long as you're taking care of yourself, being a little weak sometimes isn't such a bad thing. We all have to let our guard down sometimes." A little frown creased his brow. "Of course, if you're ever worried about your safety, you kick him in the balls and call me, promise?"
Amanda couldn't help it; she laughed. "I promise, I promise!"
"The ship's going to be back in flying shape soon, so I'm going to be out of here in a couple days. But you can always call me - here, I'll send my contact info to you. And don't just call if it's an emergency, either. I want to keep in touch with you. Besides," George smiled again, and Amanda could see a touch of shyness in his eyes. "I've got some leave coming up. I want you to meet Winona in person, or at least, as close to in person as we can get."
"I would love to, George." Amanda said, and she meant it. Her expression turned a bit mischievous. "I want to meet this girl that makes you so sappy all the time!"
They laughed together again. When they parted ways a little while later, Amanda felt significantly cheered, but also a little sad to see George go. With him would disappear the last friendly person with whom she could allow herself to show emotion. When George left, Amanda would have to retreat fully into her fortress - and this time, she had to be on complete and total lockdown.
Author's Note: Whole lotta walking and talking in this chapter. This story just runs away with me a lot! I promise there will be more action (and more Sarek) in the next chapter. Plus look forward to adorable Vulcan kiddies!