Amanda had always been good with children. She had been an only child, but all through her childhood she'd yearned for a little brother or sister, someone that she could cherish and take care of. This had translated into an excellent babysitting record when she reached her teenage years; several families in her home town had employed her for several years to play with and take care of their children. She knew, therefore, how to deal with tears. She had never expected she'd have to soothe a crying Vulcan child, however, and now she was wondering if she could use the same techniques that she had before.
On a whim, Amanda had brought in colored chalks and escorted her little charges outside to write hieroglyphics on the flagstones of one of the Institute's many little courtyards. The exercise had started out well enough, with each of the children settling down to busily draw out their names and simple words in the pictorial language. It all turned sour, however, when T'Dia, hasty in her excitement to get Amanda to look over her writing, had tripped over her own feet standing up and crashed back down to the ground. Amanda had been more than surprised to see her face crumple and tears well in her eyes as Amanda rushed over to help her. The little girl had scraped her hands and banged her knee rather roughly, and now big, wet tears were running down her green-flushed cheeks. The other children gave her wary stares - obviously this was not a common occurrence among them.
Once she had hurried to T'Dia's side, however, Amanda didn't know what to do next. She couldn't comfort the girl by pulling her into her lap, or stroke her back, or smooth her hair out of her eyes. Instead, she sent one of the other children for the first aid kit in the classroom, and administered to T'Dia's scrapes with the lightest of touches that she could manage. The little girl's tears were strange to Amanda as well. She made no noise beyond hiccuping snuffles. There were none of the wails and sobs that Amanda was used to in this situation.
"All patched up," She said, trying to sound cheerful without actually sounding cheerful. "Does it still hurt?"
T'Dia nodded solemnly, using her sleeve to dab the tears off her face. She did it with more dignity than a queen. "I'm sorry," Amanda said. "Would showing me your drawings help?"
"No." T'Dia said, looking at Amanda as if she were slow. "That action will not do anything to help my wounds to heal faster." Amanda raised an eyebrow - little scrapes were hardly wounds, but T'Dia's eyes were still wet, and a little extra drama didn't do any harm.
"I wish to see them, nonetheless." Amanda said lightly, and T'Dia resigned herself to the task, tucking her little hands against her body to protect them from any further assault from the world. Amanda gave her approval of the pictorals, needing a minute to translate them. It was hard enough to read Vulcan script - harder still to translate from Vulcan to Egyptian hieroglyphics to Standard.
The rest of the class passed without incident, and T'Dia was back to her normal stoic self once Amanda dismissed them. Amanda was still worried, though. There were many things that Amanda had taught herself about children throughout the years, and in her education courses at school. Not all of these rules applied to Vulcan children, and there seemed to be a myriad of new ones that Amanda needed to respect. She would ask T'Rea for advice, she decided. The Vulcan woman might not know about education specifically, but she could explain some of the Vulcan ideas about childhood and children. It would be helpful to have that knowledge.
Amanda saw Selek in the main hallway when she was all packed up. The boy approached her immediately, and Amanda was pleased to see his eyes were full of recognition and pleasure. "Hello, Amanda." He said. "It is good to see you."
"And you, Selek." She replied. All of the sudden, her question seized her tongue, and rattled off words without the full consent of the rest of her. "Selek, I had an incident in my class today, I wonder if you can help me with it. One of my students started to cry, and I didn't know how to help her."
Selek's brows furrowed ever so slightly. Amanda was reminded of the expression Sarek took on when he was concentrating. "Help her? I do not understand."
"I wanted to soothe her. She was upset."
Selek still looked puzzled, but after a moment he seemed to grasp something. "Oh, I see." He said. "A loss of control should be dealt with by the individual, you need not do anything. It is our own responsibility to maintain decorum."
Amanda frowned slightly. "Even for young children?"
"Yes," Selek replied evenly. "Childhood is when we learn how to control ourselves."
Amanda wasn't quite sure she agreed with this, but she knew that this was something that she couldn't understand. She wasn't Vulcan, and therefore some things would always be a mystery to her. She sighed and pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I understand. Thank you for explaining it to me, Selek."
Later that afternoon, Amanda had a meditation practice session with Ataur. She was glad to see him - they hadn't had a proper lesson for quite a while, since Ataur was confident that Amanda had the basics down. For this visit, Amanda was sure that the light was lowered in the room where she and Ataur would be talking, and lit several candles. They were her favorite scent: a clean, earthen smell that reminded her of the air off the mountains from home. When she heard Ataur's knock at the door, Amanda swept her hair up into a messy bun before going to greet him.
"Eshikh t'sai!" Ataur exclaimed when she opened the door. "Desert princess!" There was a joking expression written plainly on his face. Amanda paused, puzzled.
"What? What do you mean?" She asked as she gestured for him to come inside.
"You are wearing your hair like a lady from one of the rural desert peoples." Ataur said, the hint of a chuckle on his voice. "It is very...becoming."
With a private scowl Amanda undid the bun, letting her hair fall down to her shoulders again. "Must you always mock me?"
"I was not mocking you. Remember that I came from one of those desert tribes myself." Ataur said, walking into the little living room space. He nodded approvingly at the glowing candles placed about the room. "I mustn't lie, however. You did look a bit ridiculous."
Amanda huffed and followed him into the room, taking a seat on the floor unceremoniously. "Thank you, wise teacher." She said dryly. "I suppose you have never looked the least bit ruffled."
"No indeed." Ataur said placidly, sitting down across from her. "I am strict when it pertains to my appearance." Amanda rolled her eyes - it was nice to get away with a few things in Ataur's presence. He was not nearly so censorious as the other Vulcans. "Shall we begin, ashal-Amanda? My dear Amanda?"
Amanda was about to agree when something tugged at her mind. "Oh! Uh, not yet, Ataur. I have some questions, first." Ataur nodded, his eyebrows raised. "I wonder if you know much about dreams."
Ataur settled back, looking thoughtful. "I do. Dreams are almost as important to a Vulcan as meditation is. They are similar things. Dreams arise unbidden; they are the expressions of the emotional core that lies within us, the one thing that we cannot control through meditation or other techniques. Would you like to hear something interesting that a Terran philosopher said once, about the subconscious mind?"
Amanda blinked, curious despite her preoccupation with her own troubles. "Please."
"There is a large creature native to Earth called an elephant, correct? The idea is that the mind is like a man riding an elephant. The man is the conscious mind, and the elephant the subconscious. The elephant is much bigger and stronger than the rider, however we, in our conscious minds, believe that we can steer and direct the elephant - the subconscious. It is not entirely so. An elephant may be trained to follow commands, but it has a mind of its own, and will act according to its own will. The mind will be the most efficient when the elephant and the rider can act as one, when they are in synch with each other. An interesting thought, I have always believed."
Amanda, puzzled, tilted her head slightly. "That is...interesting. I'd never heard it described that way. I know about the difference between the subconscious and conscious, though."
"The Vulcan mind is different. Instead of a rider on an elephant, picture...let's say, a man in armor on an elephant that is very rowdy. The rider cannot command the elephant very efficiently, but should the creature throw him off, he is protected by his armor, and can climb back on again. We fashioned that armor ourselves, through meditation and controlling practices, but it does not make the elephant any more docile. Perhaps if it were not an elephant, but a sehlat..." Ataur frowned slightly, and Amanda could tell that he was about to start ranging off into the wilds of theory for quite a while. Hastily, she brought him back to the present.
"What does this have to do with dreaming?" She asked.
"Oh, of course. Dreams are creations of the subconscious - perhaps you could think of it as what the elephant thinks about what it has done and what it has been ordered to do."
"I understand about the elephant," Amanda said, waving a hand in an impatient gesture. "What I want to know is, can dreams be somewhat...telepathic?" She had been wondering this ever since she first wandered on to that unknown desert, and found the gorgeous house she'd never seen, and the Sarek she'd never known. It had felt as though she were borrowing someone else's memories and making them her own.
Ataur was suddenly all attention. "What do you mean?" He asked. "Please explain in more detail." Amanda licked her lips and did her best. She told him about the house in the desert (she'd wanted to omit Sarek's presence, but it seemed too important to leave out) and the pine forest. After a moment's hesitation, she'd told him about the strange sadness she'd felt as well. "It's...eerie, Ataur. I feel as though I'm seeing things that I shouldn't see, and feeling things I shouldn't feel. Things that don't belong to me."
Ataur looked solemn, and for a long moment he didn't speak. Amanda began to feel nervous. Had she done something wrong? Was Ataur angry with her? Maybe her strange dreams had indicated something odd about her, something sinister. She was about to ask him to say something when he finally began to speak. "Amanda, have you ever heard about the concept of soul mates? Two people who were created in perfect harmony with each other?"
Surprised, Amanda nodded. "Of course. That's not really true, though. It's all brain chemistry and endorphins, that sort of thing."
"Not entirely. Certainly not with Vulcans." Ataur said, smoothing his robe across his lap. "You see, sometimes when two minds are in such harmony with one another, they will reach out to each other -" He stopped and sighed. "Do you remember when I told you about Vulcan bonding, and how important it is to our survival?"
Amanda nodded, recalling the day when Ataur had explained the principle. She'd come to think of it like a network of dense, thick roots that held the soil in place while giving and receiving life at the same time. In all honesty she hadn't thought about it much, and hadn't ever suspected that it would affect her in any way.
"Where shall I start then..." Ataur thought for a moment. "Ah. Well. When Vulcan children reach a certain age, say ten or eleven, their parents seek out a potential spouse for them. Someone who has a mind that resonates with their own, with whom they are compatible. Some of these connections are stronger than others, but the parents will do their best to seek out a perfect match for their child. A preliminary bond is formed between the children, so that they can rely upon each other in times of turmoil or sadness. I understand that arranged marriage is sometimes frowned upon on Earth, but here on Vulcan it is a practice that has ensured the survival of our race for thousands upon thousands of years. As the children grow, the bond may become stronger, if their match is truly compatible with them. They become very close with this person, until, when they are old enough, they marry. At that point, a true bond is formed between them. This bond is stronger than any other. It is the core that keeps us strong. I understand that Humans generally marry someone that they love deeply, a true love. Marriage between Vulcans creates something deeper than love. When partners are truly right for each other, they become two halves of the same soul."
Ataur paused again to think. Amanda stared at him, unable to say anything. He had told her that the marriage bond was the strongest a Vulcan would ever experience, but she'd never imagine that it went so deep. It sounded to her like magic.
"On occasion, the childhood betrothal isn't quite perfect. The two individuals may come to love each other, they may not. If they should decided to separate, then they each seek out their own true partner in the progress of their lives. However, after a marriage bond has been formed, the two will not separate. They are devoted to each other. Vulcans are truly monogamous - it is built into our very nature. In any case, if two incredibly compatible minds happen across each other, they may start to initiate a bond unintentionally. Feelings, dreams, and thoughts can be passed over this link, although it is not as strong as a true bond. This sort of resonance only occurs between two minds that are perfect for each other - something akin to the "true love" of some ancient Terran stories. They are two pieces that are meant to become one." Ataur fixed Amanda with a pale stare that made shivers run down her spine. "If you are indeed dreaming in tandem with Sarek, and borrowing his feelings, then you and he are t'hy'la."
Amanda thought at first that he had misspoke. She didn't recognize the word, although her conversational Vulcan had grown almost to the point of perfect fluency. "I'm sorry, I don't know that word. T'hy'la?" She asked, repeating the word for herself.
"Indeed. It has...many meanings, and will not translate easily into the Standard tongue." Ataur looked around, grasping for a word. "It could mean friend, a life friend, or brother or sister, or lover...it is different in every case." He shrugged. "In essence it is a soul mate. The other half of a single soul."
Amanda's heart thudded wildly. "No, that's impossible. I'm not a Vulcan." She said, trying to convince herself as much as Ataur.
"It is very rare," Ataur said gently, "but it is not unheard of. I told you last time we discussed bonding that you were special. Now, it seems that you are very special." Ataur folded his hands in his lap, his lovely eyes showing compassion and gentleness. "It is not something to be feared. In fact, it is rather wonderful. There is not a t'hai'la in this world for all of us. It is a single, solid, true love. An undying love."
Amanda swallowed, feeling a little dizzy. "But, no, it can't be." She protested weakly. "Sarek hates me."
"Does he?" Ataur raised an eyebrow.
"...Hated me. Or...I thought he did." Amanda's throat felt very dry. "You're certain about this?" She asked after a pause. "This is the only explanation for my dreams?"
"Well, no, not exactly..." Ataur said, reluctant. "But it is the most likely, especially if Sarek is appearing this frequently in your dreams, and from what you told me I believe he has been experiencing the same anomaly..."
Amanda stood up, suddenly flooded with adrenaline and anxiety. "It has to be another explanation. I'm Human. There's no way that I could ever love a Vulcan. It's not...right." Even as she said this, though, Amanda's heart was thudding quick and fast. Excited. The strange, fluttery feeling she'd felt around Sarek hadn't been some fluke, it was really true. As soon as this thought popped up, Amanda slammed it back down again. "I refuse to accept this!" She said, the words flying from her like angry bees. "I won't!"
With that, she turned and raced up the stairs for the comfort of her bedroom, closing the door behind her and locking it shut. For a few minutes all she could do was pace her room, wringing her hands together in anxious flutters. She wasn't meant to do anything. Her destiny was her own. She would stay here on Vulcan until the end of her fellowship and then she would go home. Back home, away from all this strangeness, away from these Vulcans with their magic and mysticism, back to a world she understood. A world where she had some control left.
Amanda would deny it forever if she had to, this harmony that Ataur described. She would lock it away and keep it hidden. It would never come to the surface, and she would be safe. She would be safe, and free.
It took Amanda a while to calm down, but she managed to slow her wild heart and settle her shaking hands. She thought once or twice of calling home, or George, but she didn't want to have to explain the bombshell Ataur had broken over her. Instead, she stayed in her room and read the books and stories she had brought with her from home. Novels in Federation Standard that would distract her from her fears. T'Iva brought her some dinner a while later, only slipping in to bring her a tray before leaving with a respectful little bow. She did not ask any questions. Amanda felt wretched.
The sun sank below the horizon, slowly and laboriously, as it did on every Vulcan night. Amanda watched it make its slow arc across the sky, trying to restrain her fears like Ataur had taught her to do. It was a long struggle, as tough as the sun's journey across the sky. Finally, when the sun had long since slipped away, Amanda felt cool and clear, like a still pond under the first gathering stars.
Sleep was another matter. She was tired, weary from her anxiety, but sleep might bring dreams. Sleep would bring Sarek, and she must force him away. He was not to intrude on her any more. But still Amanda worried, unsure of what her unruly elephant might bring to her while she slept. Not Sarek, she whispered to herself as she lay in bed, her eyelids growing heavy as anvils. Not Sarek, not Sarek, not Sarek.
Despite her fears, and perhaps because of her overwhelming weariness, Amanda did not dream at all.
Author's Note: Aha! We get to the bottom of this mystery! There are some points that I'm not completely satisfied with in this chapter. I hope they aren't too jarring for you readers. But, as a special bonus, the next chapter is going to be EXTRA long and packed with some quite dramatic things. Think of it as a season finale chapter, only without a big long pause afterwards. I hope you guys get excited, because I am! I'm really enjoying writing this next one ;) It should be done soon~
ps. I was looking over the past few chapters and realized that a few of my darling beta reader's comments got left in by accident. I hope you all don't mind too much, and I'll try to extricate them when I get a moment. In the meantime enjoy her little snippets - I find them quite funny :P