NOTE FROM RIOTTORI: THIS WILL BE MY LAST POST FOR TONIGHT, GUYS. BUT I WILL BE BACK AGAIN, BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW MORNING. THANKS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT AND YOUR THOUGHT-PROVOKING REVIEWS. LOOK FORWARD TO REACTIONS TO THIS:
"Go on, Mr Grey." Black's cold command.
"What good is this going to do? Going over the dirty details?" I shout, enraged. Surely this was just hurting Ana even more? Pouring salt into the wound?
"Mr Grey. Honesty is the corner-stone of any marriage. For you to work out your problems and resolve them, for you to even have a chance of making your marriage work, you need to work out why you cheat, what makes you cheat. What's missing in your marriage? The truths that you will reveal in this office are going to be a lot harder to stomach than some sophomoric kiss like the one you have just described. It's often not the action that destroys so much as the reason driving the action."
Suddenly, the prospect of what we are trying to do seemed to loom huge, our issues insurmountable. Black was right. I had somehow thought that the hard part was the confession. But it wasn't. It was living with the beast that lay within me. What if it stirred again?
Alice:
I rode home in the cab, watching the city lights blur and blend before me. He had kissed me, on my lips. It was quick but the desire that lay in the core of the kiss spoke of promise. Everything was coming together, just as I had hoped, had dreamed, lying awake in my childhood bedroom, listening to my mother's harsh laugh at some sit-com. I was going to get out. He was going to get me out.
The next day I dressed to impress. I chose a demure dress that buttoned all the way up the front. As I did up the little pearly buttons, I imagined him ripping it off me in his office. I banished those naughty thoughts from my head and focused on the next part of the plan. I decided to be slightly aloof, to blow hot and cold, make the chase all the more exciting.
I could feel him watching me as I brought him some papers to be signed. I kept my head down and my face blank, as if our mouths hadn't found the other's just hours before. He asked me if I was OK, and I allowed myself to flush a little. He could read that as guilt if he wanted, or desire. Either way, I could see that my quiet act was affecting him.
He called me back into his office seven times that day. The Blondes looked suspiciously at me each time. It only added to the thrill.
He asked me out that Friday. I could tell he was building up to something, some grand gesture on his part. He called me into his office, asked me to stay on late again. I asked if I could get him another sandwich. He'd laughed, told me not to spend my money on him, that we'd grab something to eat when we'd finished. His treat. He made it sound so innocent. I gushed a reply to show my gratitude, but told him that I couldn't possibly accept. I saw a flash of anger then, and wondered if I'd pushed it too far. There's a thin line between keeping them keen and allowing them to lose interest. He told me he wanted to reward me for my dedication to the Grey Corporation and my tireless work these last weeks. I nodded my acceptance with a warm smile, told him that sounded great and got back to my work.
It was just as I dreamed it would be – better in fact. We walked into the restaurant, a restaurant he claimed he took clients and work colleagues to, and I could feel the admiring glances of the other diners. A ripple of whispers surrounded us as we walked to our table. I found it buoyed me up, made me walk taller. This is what it would be like, to be Mrs Grey.
The waiter approached us and they conducted a rapid conversation about the wine list that I couldn't follow. I watched him order for both of us and it made me feel special, looked after, safe.. When the waiter left, I had his full attention. I reveled in it, bathed in it.
We drank champagne – the first real champagne I'd ever had – as if we were celebrating something to do with work, as if this wasn't anything romantic. You can fool the other diners but you can't fool me, I thought, watching his eyes on my lips as I talked. We both knew where this was heading. We both politely declined dessert. When he escorted me outside, I got into the passenger side of his car without saying a word.
Christian:
"So, after dinner, the first night that you went out with this...Alice. What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Dr Black raises her eyebrow. "Mr Grey, please, for the sake of these sessions, please tell the truth."
"I am. Nothing happened. She wouldn't let me...she wouldn't let me touch her."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I never found out. She wouldn't tell me."
"So, you took her back to your apartment and nothing happened?"
"Yes." I notice Ana deflate slightly beside me, as if she's been holding her breath and has just dared to let it go. "She came up. I thought maybe something would happen...but it didn't."
"But you wanted it to." I wince at Black's statement. For Ana, that was the important thing. Not so much the act, but the desire behind the act. When I wanted someone else, it meant I wanted her a little less, that she wasn't the sole sun in my universe.
Alice:
I wanted to leave my mark in his apartment, for him to walk in and think of me, not her. I wanted to usurp, replace. This wasn't some fling, I wanted in for the long-haul. I could get him to sleep with me – that would be the easy part. I needed him to want me for longer than a night. I needed him to want me for life.
I accepted his proffered glass of Dom Perignon and stood in front of the huge window, my back to him. He soon approached, drawn in like a magnet. He reached for me, but I wouldn't turn to him, wouldn't give him any of me. I knew I was being risky – I wouldn't see him until Monday morning and a depressing, Grey-less weekend sprawled in front of me – but I had to be strong and not give in to my own desire which pulsed in my very blood.
I let my eyes brim with tears and turned to look up at him. "I can't do this Christian. I'm sorry." I rushed from the apartment as he called my name, leaving my coat behind, a tangible reminder of me.