T'Rea looked much the same as she always did when Amanda next saw her. It was only a few hours after she'd said goodbye to Ataur. T'Rea had asked if she could stop by for tea and conversation, and Amanda had happily agreed. She was excited to see T'Rea after her wedding – excited until she realized what she would have to do when T'Rea arrived. Telling Ataur had been easy. Telling T'Rea would not be.
Nevertheless, Amanda was pleased to see her friend. T'Rea's countenance was as calm and still as ever, but she seemed to Amanda to be radiating a sort of peace. Amanda thought it must have come about from her marriage to Kavonn. Amanda had never met T'Rea's new husband, and knew very little about his personality, but he made T'Rea happy. That was plain to see, even through the Vulcan armor that surrounded T'Rea, just as it surrounded all her other Vulcan friends. Amanda had wondered why she felt as though she could read her friends relatively easily. Of course, they were nowhere near as expressive as Humans, but Amanda was never truly unsettled around her Vulcan friends. Perhaps this was what Ataur meant when he said that Amanda was more "telepathically receptive" than other Humans. She could see the heart of a Vulcan while her fellow Humans could not.
And they can all see straight to the heart of me, Amanda thought glumly. As soon as T'Rea had set eyes on her, she'd pursed her lips ever so slightly and said "Well, ko-kan, it would save us both a lot of fuss if you were to tell me now." Amanda grit her teeth, but she knew T'Rea would have it out of her soon anyway. "T'Rea, I'm involved with Ambassador Sarek. Um, romantically."
Amanda knew right away from T'Rea's expression that if the woman had been Human, she would have been laughing loudly. Just the slightest twitch of T'Rea's eyebrows conveyed it all. Amanda looked down at her tea. She knew – she hoped – that T'Rea's mirth was only in the spirit of friendship, and she wasn't actually mocking Amanda. T'Rea cleared her throat and said in her even, smooth voice, "This is an unexpected turn of events, Amanda."
Amanda let out the tiniest of sighs. "Not exactly, T'Rea. Ataur said he suspected it from the beginning. I do wish that you wouldn't mock me for it, though. I can't control how I feel." A stupid thing to say to a Vulcan, but she had to say it anyway.
"Ko-kan," T'Rea said gently, and Amanda looked up. "I do not wish to mock you. I congratulate you, truly. Ambassador Sarek is a strong, intelligent man. I had thought that you two were perhaps well suited to each other, and now I see that I was correct. But something else is preying on your mind."
T'Rea was right. Even though Sarek had told her not to worry about what his father or others might think of them, Amanda still felt a knot tighten in her gut whenever she thought of anyone besides her friends knowing of her relationship with him. "I am worried, T'Rea." She said in a quiet voice. "Ambassador Sarek holds an important position in the Vulcan government, his father even more so. Should anyone discover our relationship, I fear that it would lead to trouble for them. I'm not exactly the paragon of women for Sarek to enter into a relationship with."
T'Rea thought for a moment, her clear gray eyes focused on some far off possibility, her long elegant fingers steepled. Amanda was glad to see that she had stopped "laughing", but her pensiveness was making her worry just as much. What awful outcomes could her friend be analyzing? Was Sarek doomed because he had risked his heart on a Human woman? Amanda's emotional refuge felt as though it would burst with anxiety before T'Rea finally spoke. "Amanda, had I known the extent of your relationship with Ambassador Sarek, I would have cautioned against it. You must not forget that you are here because of the Starfleet program which is still in its infancy – your romantic involvement with a Vulcan official has the potential to endanger my work, and the work of countless others, both Vulcan and Human. Many Vulcans will be offended by your conduct, and I cannot imagine that there will be no humans in opposition. This situation could become an immense crisis between Earth and Vulcan. Alliances could be destroyed. It is worrisome."
Amanda could feel the color drain out of her face. She stared at T'Rea, her mouth slightly open. This was all that she had feared – T'Rea had brought to light the severe consequences for her actions. And all I did was kiss him, Amanda thought, could everything be brought to ruin because of a kiss? A touch? She tried to speak, but her voice was shaking, and her trembling lips made her stammer. "I apologize T'Rea, I did not realize…"
"However," T'Rea cut across her with all the smoothness of a frigate sweeping a little dingy out of its path, "there is also the possibility that your actions could positively influence Vulcan Human relations. Two lovers breaching the cultural gap could very well lead others to do the same." T'Rea turned her eyes on Amanda, as gray and glittering as a winter sky. "You have either destroyed my work, or completed it. As of yet, I cannot say which. I advise you to be careful, Amanda Grayson. As careful as you are able to be."
From that moment on, Amanda's insides roiled with worry. She found herself starting to cry over her dinner that night, which horrified her almost as much as it must have T'Iva. She did her best to hide them from the maid, and forced herself to keep her eyes dry for the rest of the meal. When she fled upstairs to her bedroom and was able to escape to cool silence of her own space, Amanda felt something tugging at her consciousness. She sat down and tried to think clearly, to identify what exactly was trying to get her attention.
Amanda. T'hy'la. My Amanda.
Amanda felt her heartbeat quicken, a little thudding drum between her ribs. So this was the true power of the bond – Sarek had felt her distress, and he had answered it. He was sending her comfort. It seeped into Amanda's consciousness with the gentleness of a first snow and the warmth of a hot bath. Don't worry, Amanda, don't worry. Amanda let out a little sob of relief and collapsed on her pillows. It was as if Sarek were beside her, pulling her into his arms and shutting out the world of uncertainty around her. He sent her comfort and affection, a warmth that she had never felt before, and it soothed her anxiety as easily as if he had been there, reassuring her. She was amazed at the strength and integrity she sensed in him, and so close. The bond is getting stronger, she thought, before she drifted off to sleep, safe with Sarek's affection to guard her.
"Why do you worry so? I felt it."
Amanda recognized the place. She was back in the mansion she had seen once, where she had met the young Sarek and the thin, fragile girl from his past. Now, however, she was sitting with Sarek, on an elegant chaise on the patio. The panorama of the desert was stretched in front of them, a sunset painting of reds and purples and iridescent gold. Amanda leaned back, and felt Sarek's warmth behind her.
"I am still a stranger here. I don't belong." Amanda heard herself say.
"Here," Sarek said, "you belong. I thought it strange when I first saw you at this house, but now I understand."
Amanda shook her head. "Not here," she said. "On Vulcan. Among Vulcans. I am a Human, and I am weak and emotional and insane." She laughed. This didn't seem to bother Sarek. Perhaps it was all right to be as she really was inside the walls of a dream. I would never speak or act this way if dreaming didn't dispense with everything but the truth, Amanda thought. When her laugh had spent itself, she continued. "I worry that I am wrong for you; that I'm…disrupting something that was intended for you. Your ko-kugalsu."
Now she felt Sarek stiffen. "That has already been disrupted, and not by you. That future is not what is intended for me." Amanda turned to look at him, for the first time. Sarek was not fifteen, as he had been when he saw him here before. He was himself, the strong jaw and dark eyes, which held a depth that she could never hope to fully explore. "That was a broken pact, and nothing which concerns my feelings or intentions towards you." He said.
"Shouldn't you have a Vulcan woman?" Amanda continued, the anxiety in her breast pushing her forward. "A proper lover, who will act the right way, and always understand and always do what is correct? I don't know how to be your lover. I can't be a Vulcan bride."
Sarek drew her closer to him, and Amanda inhaled his spicy scent, her face pressed against his collarbone. It was realer than any dream-scent she had experienced before. There was something that fascinated her about the captive power of his body, the strength in his muscles and the force that drove his heartbeat. His fingers were in her hair, stroking away wild auburn curls. "Has it not occurred to you," He asked, in his quiet voice that sent chills down Amanda's spine, "that I prefer what you are to what a proper Vulcan woman may be? I don't want perfect, Amanda; I want you." And Amanda knew it was true – a dream could deceive, but not one that he was dreaming too. And then, Amanda knew that she didn't need to worry, not as she had done, at least. She could rely on him, as well as she knew him.
"It's interesting," Amanda commented, wrapping her arms around his waist. "That this is going so fast. Humans always think that Vulcans are prudes." She felt his momentary confusion over the word "prudes", but he understood it through her quickly. She was surprised to hear something like a laugh from him, not exactly something that a Human would do, but a laugh nonetheless.
"That is just the way of things, Amanda." Sarek said, tilting her face up to his.
"I suppose it is," She said. The rest of the dream was a tangle of images and feelings, things that made her pulse quicken. Nothing was identifiable; there were no true images, only a shared expression of desires and thoughts. At first it was strange, and it took her a while to realize that the other powerful force she encountered was Sarek's own desire and libido, but once she did, it spurred her on. But it was only a tangle, a whirl of colors and projections and wonderings that Amanda had kept secret. It didn't feel wrong, letting these things mingle and mix with Sarek's own. In fact it was…
Amanda woke breathing hard. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and there was a tingle going down her spine that was undeniably familiar. Amanda felt her face go hot with embarrassment – at what? She put her hand up to her forehead and groaned. Dawn light was just beginning to filter through the window, an obnoxiously cheerful reminder that the day still awaited her. Amanda rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Yes, that dream had definitely evolved into something…sexual, but was that really surprising? She knew that she found Sarek attractive, and she'd supposed that he thought the same way about her. It was just a new sensation to be imagining those things in a dream, and feel the desired party reciprocate…Amanda took a deep breath and drew the covers up over her head. Just another aspect of the bond that she would have to get used to...but there were definite possibilities.
Deciding that she should get up and get dressed, now that she was awake, Amanda wondered what the sexual aspect of Vulcan relationships was really like. She knew that Vulcans had sex, because how else would they make more little Vulcans? The thought of a screaming green baby with pointy ears made her smile. Amanda wondered briefly if there would be anything in the VSA or Principle Building's libraries that would enlighten her on the subject, but it was only a brief thought. As private and severe as Vulcans were, there was bound to be absolutely nothing to do with their reproductive habits in a library – at least where she could access it. Did male Vulcans even look the same as Humans…down there? Amanda was suddenly struck with a shock of horror. Vulcans and Humans were relatively the same, anatomically, but what if beneath all those heavy robes they were hiding something really, really different? What if there were tentacles?
Amanda forced herself to calm down. Her reasoning went thusly: one, tentacles were ridiculous. She had never heard of any alien race that had tentacles intended for reproductive purposes. Secondly, if she and Sarek weren't sexually compatible, it didn't matter. She could either exclude that factor from their relationship (not likely) or she could say no. After all, she didn't have to be with Sarek, no matter what Ataur said about bonding and compatibility. She would always be able to make her own decisions. It would be horribly disappointing, though, if she and Sarek weren't able to…well. It would just be disappointing.
Amanda had never been one to group love and sex together. It had been abundantly clear to her, just through information gained from friends and the world around her, that the two weren't mutually exclusive. She wasn't a virgin, but she wasn't exactly experienced either. There had been a few nice, clumsy boys that she'd invited to spend the night with her, but after them she hadn't really been sold one way or the other on sex. It had never been horrible, but it had never been amazing, either. Amanda was vaguely aware, though, that her ideal man, off drifting in the nebula somewhere, would be a good sexual match for her as well as romantically. She didn't exactly know what she wanted, but she didn't expect to find out without some more practice, either. She'd imagined that she'd have plenty of time to discover those things with a man who she loved. That was, after all, the point, wasn't it?
Throughout the day, though, Amanda kept thinking back to biology lessons that she'd had in high school. She had been particularly interested in the unit on genetics, just because it was so fascinating. So many species had risen and fallen just on Earth, during the tiny chunk of the universe's time in which Earth had existed, that she couldn't help but be amazed. Genetics were so very complicated, and even after scientists had devoted themselves to the question for so long, there were still mysteries that lay completely beyond them. In any case, what was really preying on Amanda's mind was the concept of species hybridization. She'd learned about it as a matter of course, but her musings about Vulcan sexuality had brought her to wonder about the subject. Some species were able to hybridize, like dogs and wolves, or many other of their canine cousins, but there were lots of obstructions to successful hybridization. The first, and most important, of those was simple mechanical incompatibility. Amanda wasn't sure whether she minded if she would be able to produce a half-Vulcan child, but if, for instance, Tab A wasn't able to fit into Slot B, then that would be a problem. If only she had some way of finding out these things before she would have to confront Sarek about them!
The answer to Amanda's unhappy questions was presented to her that afternoon. She had finished up with her class, who had thankfully been quite sweet and peaceful, and was headed to the main lobby in order to meet up with Selek. They were going to have their habitual outing that afternoon, and Amanda was pleased to be able to spend some time with him. Selek was uncomplicated, as far as that went, and Amanda was able to enjoy his company as a friend, even if he was only 12 years old.
"Good afternoon, Amanda," Selek said, cheerful as always, when he caught sight of her in the lobby. "I thought perhaps we could spend some time in the garden today. My parents do not want me to stray too far from the Institute." There was an attitude of glumness about him when he said this, leading Amanda to ask him whether Sarek was coming to fetch him or not. "No. My parents allow me to go where I like when Sarek agrees to take me home from the Institute. He is too busy today, however." Selek seemed to slump even further at this, and so Amanda launched into a scientific question before he could become much more miserable.
Amanda managed to keep Selek in good spirits for the rest of their visit. The garden of the Children's Institute was pleasant, and cooler than the street outside, and so Amanda was able to relax comfortably with Selek while they talked about Earth, Vulcan, and other natural wonders. It was nice to get away from her own complicated problems and simply amaze Selek with descriptions of Earth's varied geological and biological wonders. Amanda was surprised that these discussions never made her homesick. Selek's interest was such that she never found herself with time to dwell too much on her home, though. He kept her talking, and amused her on more than one occasion with witty remarks or stubborn refusals to believe facts. ("How could there possibly be a plant that is able to digest insects? Amanda, I believe you are fabricating.")
So relaxing and pleasant was Selek's company that Amanda felt slightly guilty about downloading information off of his PADD when he went to speak with a teacher. She tried to convince herself that it was a crime of necessity. Selek had let slip that they were embarking on their own study of genetics, and that made Amanda wonder: what if Vulcan children were given the same health class treatment that Human children had to suffer through? Her curiosity was sufficient to make her sneak the data chip out of Selek's PADD and quickly copy the information onto her own. She borrowed only from the "Academics" section – she didn't want to spy on Selek, quite the contrary. All she wanted was the same basic knowledge of Vulcan reproduction and anatomy that any twelve year old would receive at school. After all, Vulcans had teenage years just as Humans did; there was no way that Vulcans escaped elementary and high schools without getting some embarrassing information flung at them by an awkward teacher.
Still, Amanda's insides burned with shame when she departed from Selek. She tried to keep the feelings from reaching Sarek, although she had no idea how to do that properly. She only hoped that he would be too busy to react to her thoughts before she had managed to figure out what she needed to know. When she had reached home, Amanda got herself a glass of juice and settled herself on the floor of her bedroom (she had found that the meditation posture really was more comfortable than a chair or her bed) and opened up the files she had sneaked away from Selek.
Selek's genetics curriculum, for the most part, was very dense. Amanda had to pick her way carefully through the texts, although she was surprised and a little proud that she could still remember the basic concepts of genetics. It appeared that the same laws held true on Vulcan as they did on Earth, although the actual construction of genetic material was somewhat different. Amanda found herself more absorbed in the text than she had expected to be, but it was amazing to be reading about a system of heritance and genetic diversity that worked differently than that of Earth's creatures. It was different, but it worked. Just like the different cultures and societies of the ever-expanding universe, the genetic code was just as stable and complex as the one Amanda knew, it only worked in a slightly different way. When she took a break to finish off her juice, Amanda looked out the window at the sky, where the first evening stars were emerging, and marveled not for the first time at the strange beauty of the universe, that was at once so diverse and so unified.
Finally, Amanda found what she was truly looking for. And not only did she find that, she also found illustrations.
Oh.
Amanda powered down her PADD, leaning back against her bed and feeling, not for the first time since she'd arrived on Vulcan, like a complete idiot. Vulcans, it seemed, were very much the same as Humans, when it came to the bits underneath their robes. The women had two breasts and one uterus, although only one ovary; as well as two arms and legs and all the other pieces. Vulcan men had one penis, and, bizarrely, two nipples, just as Humans did. Amanda puzzled at that – it was strange enough to have these vestigial things on Humans, but seeing it mirrored in another species many millions of light years away was quite strange. Perhaps they just demand to be there, Amanda mused. But, as far as she could tell, Vulcan men were much the same as Human men, although they only possessed one testicle instead of two. That didn't have an effect on Amanda either way. Well, they look the same, and it seems like the, er, reproductive process is pretty much the same too. So there was nothing to worry about, you big idiot. And now that you understand the theoretical, you should have no problem with the practical.
Unfortunately, the key word in that sentence was "should".
Still, armed with this reassuring knowledge, Amanda felt more at ease. Not so much at ease, though, that she was completely soothed. There were still things preying on her mind, and try as she might Amanda couldn't banish her thoughts about Sarek's previous fiancée. She had glimpsed the girl once, back in that dream, but seeing the frail slip of a girl was very different than seeing the woman. Who had she been, to leave Sarek and bring about this crushing sadness that Amanda had once tasted? Amanda felt that she both wanted to know, and didn't. It should be enough for you that he's yours now, stupid, Amanda told herself over and over again. But that depth of loss that she had felt once before was still hidden in her new lover somewhere and Amanda couldn't help but be as curious for its cause as she was eager to banish it. She wanted to heal that empty space.
Amanda was working on a report when she received her next invitation from Sarek. It had been a few days since they'd seen each other – what with her work and his there was little time for them to see each other in person. Amanda's pulse jumped when she saw his name on the little message alert blinking on the screen of her PADD. "AMBASSADOR SAREK" it read. She tapped on the alert and the message opened for her, neat little block letters spelling out Sarek's words for her.
Ashayam,
I apologize for not getting in contact with you sooner. I have wished to see you, but my duties keep me busy and I have not had any time for my own concerns. I hear from Selek that your work at the Children's Institute continues to detain you as well, but I hope that you will have the opportunity this coming Friday to visit me at my home. I would like to have the privilege to prepare a meal for you. Please contact me with your availability at your next opportunity.
Sarek
Amanda looked down at the note with a mixture of surprise and pleasure. It was the most informal note he had ever sent her. He had signed his name as simply Sarek, not Ambassador Sarek, or any of his other titles. The term of address he had used for her was what Amanda's heart skip, though. Ashayam. A term of endearment that meant "beloved".
"Ashayam," Amanda said aloud to herself. "Ashayam, ashayam." She closed her eyes and sought for Sarek in her mind, looking for the little corner that belonged to him, and giving it a tug. Yes, I will come to dinner. Yes, Friday, she said to the corner, hoping that somehow the thought would travel through to Sarek. She didn't really expect it to work, and was even opening up a reply on her PADD, when she felt the warmth and color that meant "Sarek".
Good. Abi'yi. Until then.
Author's Note: Oh thank god. I was having the worst writer's block – I was really not sure what was going to happen in this chapter! I have a plan, but it doesn't start until a bit after this…and so I was stuck. But I know what I'm going to do now! Aren't you all excited? I am! 3
Ps. Reviews make me so happy. That's both thanks for past reviews and an encouragement for future ones! :)
Pps. A few people have told me that I've given Sarek the wrong age - thanks for the correction! My question to you is, though: is he around 60 and looks 25 ish, or around 60 and looks 60?