Amanda shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Her heart was beating in her throat, and no matter how much she tried to calm its frenzy, it continued to race. She felt as though her veins were filling up with hot water, and at any moment she would explode, or steam would start pouring out of her ears.
"I assume you realize how grave an accusation this is." Councilman Skon's voice was hard and cold, as deadly as an icicle. Amanda knew she was trembling, but she couldn't keep her body under control. Not like Sarek. He stood by her side, as grave and stoic as the statue of Surak that they'd seen together at the art school. "I am offering you a chance to prove Captain Prais wrong. Please tell me the truth."
Amanda should have realized that Prais wouldn't keep his mouth shut. She had been hoping that perhaps he wasn't as bull-headedly cruel as he seemed to be, but her hopes were in vain. Just as soon as she and Sarek had returned to the house, the Councilman had descended on them, demanding an explanation. "Captain Prais has just told me that he observed you two...embracing in the garden. Come to my study and tell me that he has been mistaken."
And there they stood now, shoulder to shoulder in front of the Councilman's desk. Sarek's father, and one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in Shi'Kahr. He was practically calcifying with the force of his rage. Amanda could see that his knuckles were white as he clasped his hands in front of him on his desk. She tried to take another steadying breath, but no words would come to her.
"Sarek," Skon said. His black eyes were on his son, as terrifying as twin voids. "I demand that you tell me what has happened." Amanda saw a muscle in Sarek's jaw twitch. He's just as scared as I am, Amanda realized. I wish I were as good at hiding it as he is.
"The Captain was not mistaken." Sarek's voice was perfectly even when it finally came. Amanda regarded him with surprise - besides the clench of his jaw, Sarek looked as calm as he ever did, although there was a film of frost forming over him. "Miss Grayson and I are romantically involved."
Skon shut his eyes for the briefest moment, and Amanda thought she could see the disappointment overtake him for just that second. Then he was all brittle and businesslike again. "I am extremely disappointed and shocked, to say the least. I should have thought, Sarek, that you knew better than to engage in such a relationship with - with someone in Miss Grayson's position." His eyes flicked to Amanda then, as hard as flint. "Miss Grayson. You understand that your actions reflect on the integrity of the Starfleet fellowship to which you have been admitted. This is extremely inappropriate behavior. You are visiting our planet through a fellowship that has taken years to construct, representing Starfleet, your people, and the fellowship itself." His tone lowered to a dangerous level. "You are a Human visitor on the most tentative of alliances, and my son is Ambassador to your home planet. I am afraid I was mistaken in you; I had thought you had more sense than to engage in actions that are certain to bring about a scandal. Furthermore, as a Human, your seduction -"
"Father, I must interject." Sarek said, as Amanda's eyes stung with the tears that she denied. "Amanda has not seduced me. She is my match. We are t'hy'la. You should know that there is no greater bond which may be established. You cannot find fault with it."
Spots of high color - green, of course - rose on Skon's sharp face. He half rose out of his seat, and for a moment Amanda wondered if he were about to yell. When he did speak, however, his voice was no louder than it had been, but it sounded significantly strangled. "You are foolish," He took a breath, as if trying to steady himself, "foolish if you believe that you have established such a bond with a Human. It is not possible. Your audacity in profaning the bonds of t'hy'la is deeply shocking. You cannot think that it would ever be acceptable for you to attach yourself to a Human."
"Amanda is Human, yes, but she is extraordinary. We have formed a bond. She is my mate, father." Sarek's tone was growing as ice-laden as his father's. Amanda, in a far off way, realized how very similar Sarek was to his father in appearance. Furious black eyes met equally furious brown ones. She could feel the anger rolling off Sarek in waves. It was all she could do not to be overwhelmed by it.
"And what should you do with her when you reach ponn farr?" Skon spat. "How could she -" He broke off and shut his eyes again. A moment later he resumed his seat. "Miss Grayson, you must leave. I am putting your work at the Institute and with the research associations on suspension. You will be informed when there are developments. A car will take you home. Good bye."
The tears in Amanda's eyes burned as hotly as if they were boiling. Somehow she managed to square her shoulders and bow to the Councilman. He wouldn't meet her eyes. She said nothing, only turned and left the room. She seemed to detach at that point. Presumably she went down the stairs and got into the car and drove home, but it was as if she wasn't truly there. Amanda drifted out away from her body, only loosely tethered to the cluster of shame and fear that had taken over there. It came as a surprise to Amanda when the car pulled up outside her house. She got out and wandered inside, up the stairs, and collapsed on her bed, face down into the covers. She lay there for a few minutes, just breathing in the scent of her coverlet and the candle fragrance that always lingered in her bedroom.
He gave me a shavokh. Sarek gave me a beautiful bird and I ruined his career and his relationship with his father. Amanda pictured the red glow of Kaht's feathers, and the golden look in Sarek's eyes when he saw how happy the gift had made her. She wondered what would happen to Kaht now. What would happen to Sarek? Tentatively, she reached out across the bridge between them that was the bond. It was like catching hold of his hand - instantly she felt strengthened, less afraid. She could sense that he felt the same way too. I'm sorry, she tried to tell him. I'm so sorry.
What Amanda got in return was a wash of regret and reassurance that nevertheless said do not be sorry. After that, however, there was no more. She suspected that Sarek was busy arguing with his father, and couldn't devote much attention to her. Still, even after the horror that had overtaken her, Amanda could sense his love for her, buried away inside her. A little golden nugget tucked into the chest she kept secure in her heart. That was another thing - when Prais had interrupted them, what was she intending to say? Was she going to tell Sarek that she loved him, too? Amanda rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, thinking. Yes, she had compiled a big bundle of affection for Sarek, compiled of all the little things she enjoyed about him and his company. It was a significant bundle, too, but she wasn't sure if it meant love.
If only, Amanda thought, I could open a field guide and find the entry for 'love' and compare what I've got to the picture and the entry. Everything would be much simpler if I had a field guide like that. Unfortunately there was no such thing. How could there ever be, when no one seems to know what love looks like or sounds or smells like, exactly? Amanda thought about calling her mother, or Georgia, or George (yes, that was strange, that her two best friends had practically the same name), or Winnie, but found that she didn't have the energy or desire to do so. Instead, Amanda curled up in a little lump on her bed and found a children's cartoon from home to watch on her PADD. Sometimes, one just needs the most basic of creature comforts in order to recover.
It wasn't until after T'Iva had provided her with some really excellent, comforting dinner than Amanda decided to approach the problem logically. She drew a bath for herself: water incredibly hot, with a few bath salts she'd picked up at the market (their smell reminded her of raspberry), and climbed in. Wreathed in the steam of the water and the scent that was not quite raspberry, Amanda settled down to think. She was still angry, and worried, and scared, but she had to sort this out before she let it consume her.
Councilman Skon had quite a few reasons to be upset with both her and Sarek. For one, Sarek was his only child, and the heir to his estates and wealth. It was a rather close minded, brutish parent who would limit their child's marriage prospects because of that, though. Loss of a point for Skon. Secondly, Sarek and Amanda were both involved in politics, although Sarek was far more involved than Amanda. A relationship between them would be sure to cause comment, and very likely a scandal - a legitimate reason. One point for Skon. Thirdly, Amanda was the poster child of a program that Skon had championed. If she was caught doing anything remotely untoward, the fragile new program would take a serious hit, and potentially collapse. Needling people would cite Amanda's relationship with Sarek as a legitimate reason to close the program. Skon now had two points.
On Amanda and Sarek's side, however, was the fact that they were, as far as Amanda knew, t'hy'la. She suspected that this should count for more than one point, but awarded them just the one for now. Skon 2, Young Lovers 1. Counting against Amanda, though, was the fact that she was still a Human. A fumbly, crazy Human with emotions leaking everywhere and the respectability of a little trick dog at the circus. She was a definite disruption in the life that Skon had intended for his son. Did that count as a point for Skon? Amanda wasn't sure. Not to mention the uncertainty of the 'royal succession'. Vulcans were very serious about relationships, Amanda knew, and both Sarek and his father must be thinking about the potential for children, which once again brought up the problem of Tab A and Slot B. What was it now, Skon 3 and Young Lovers 1? Or was it the other way around?
Amanda sighed and slid farther down into the bath. There was still one point left unconsidered, and it was the third time that Amanda had encountered it without receiving an explanation. Ponn farr. Skon had said "What will you do with her when you reach your ponn farr?" Apparently ponn farr was something to worry about. Amanda could gather from context that it was some Vulcan-specific process that Amanda would potentially not be able to participate in. She'd seen it in the marriage texts, Selek had mentioned it, and now Skon was worried about it. Amanda desperately wished she had someone who would explain to her what ponn farr was, but it didn't seem likely that any Vulcan, even one of her friends, would be willing to tell.
And then Amanda thought of Prais. An overwhelmingly burning anger swept through her. Since she had arrived on Vulcan the smirking devil had been poking and prodding at her, teasing and mocking, all the while hiding it behind that horrible smile. Amanda had never met a person she hated more. She wished that she had simply commanded Kaht to rend his face when he came upon them in the garden - although of course she didn't know how, or even that Prais would betray them. Amanda wondered what he could possibly gain by snitching on her and Sarek, if only the satisfaction of having ruined them. Amanda was so angry that she buried her face in her hands and clenched her teeth until they ached. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Soon, however, the fury began to die down, leaving Amanda feeling as burned out as a house burnt out by fire. Am I simply turning him into a scapegoat? I'm worried. I'm not sure.
There was one thing she was sure of, however. She would not leave Sarek. He loved her, and she wanted to have enough time to figure out whether she loved him back. That is a chance I shouldn't be denied.
You will not be.
Amanda shut her eyes and leaned against the back of the tub, feeling the familiar feeling of 'Sarek' join her. It was immensely comforting, and washed away the ashes of her anger over Prais. It's settled then, Amanda told him. I stay with you. The rest of it may be complex, but this is simple, and the only thing I need really worry about.
You are correct, t'hy'la, Amanda. Everything will be set right.
As she climbed out of the bath a little while later, Amanda thought in the privacy of her own head about the last problem. I may not be out of a lover, but I am out of a job. I need to make that right myself. Even so, Amanda dried her hair and got into bed, feeling calmer and sweeter than she could have hoped. For now, she didn't need to worry. She fell asleep wrapped in the bond, as secure as though she had been holding Sarek's hand.
Amanda's dreams were confused and full of turmoil. Anxiety and anger and guilt roiled together, blurring between Amanda and the distant Sarek. Always there was worry - Amanda had assured herself in her waking hours that she would not lose Sarek, but how could she be certain? She was only one girl, and what could she do if the world turned against them? When Amanda woke for the second time with tears on her face, she curled up into a tight ball and hid beneath her pillow. I'll do what I can, she resolved. I will speak with T'Rea tomorrow, about Sarek and about my job. And I'll call Ataur and George. And my mother...my parents should know.
Having decided these things, Amanda fell into an easier sleep, and didn't wake up again until dawn was stretching towards her through her window. She lay still for a few moments and watched the sun creep up from behind the cityscape of Shi'Kahr. There is a lot that I have to do, but I can handle it. I made decisions, and I have to suffer the consequences - and I know I made the right decisions. Amanda got up and dressed with care. Instead of twisting her hair up into an elegant Vulcan style, she pulled it back in a french braid. Why not reinforce the fact that she was Human, after all? She chose simple clothing as well, opting for a blouse and leggings rather than a dress. Armor for the battle, she told herself. There was one last thing she added to her dress, however. A simple chain necklace with a red stone - as red as Kaht's feathers.
After she had eaten breakfast, Amanda sent out two messages on her PADD. The first was to Sarek; she wasn't entirely sure about the strength of communication through their bond yet, and she wanted to make sure that he was all right. She kept it short, but expressed her worry for him, and asked what his father had said after she'd left. The next message was harder to write. Amanda selected T'Rea as the recipient and then sat staring at the screen for a long while. T'Rea would know about the situation by now, there was no doubt. She didn't know whether T'Rea would be angry. Will she call me ko-kan or Miss Grayson, I wonder? Finally Amanda forced herself to type out a message, although she was less than pleased with the result.
T'sai T'Rea,
I ask permission to meet with you concerning the incident with Ambassador Sarek and Councilman Skon. I wish to express my apologies in person. If there is anything that I may do to rectify the situation, please tell me. I want nothing more than to fix the problem that I have caused.
Whatever the consequences of my actions, I will accept them, but I dearly hope that a solution may be reached wherein I remain on Vulcan.
Yours faithfully,
Amanda Grayson
Amanda stared at the message for a long while after she had written it out. Even with her apologies, it sounded far too bold. She did want T'Rea's forgiveness, but she was worried about what price her friend would demand for it. If T'Rea told her she must leave Vulcan, and Sarek, Amanda didn't know what she would do. Trying not to think about it, Amanda swallowed and tapped the 'send' button. A feeling of relief flooded her - the ball was in T'Rea's court now. All Amanda could do was wait.
In the meantime, she could call home.
"Hi Mom." As glad as she was to see her mother's face, Amanda couldn't make herself smile. Not a real smile, anyway. Her mother seemed to detect the problem at once.
"Hello dear," she said, her brown eyes worried. "What's wrong? You look out of sorts. Did something happen?"
Amanda sighed and fidgeted with the end of her braid. "I have kind of a confession to make, Mom. I'm...involved with someone, here on Vulcan." When her mother said nothing, only looked stunned, Amanda hurried to continue. "His name is Sarek, and he's the new ambassador to Earth. He's - well, he's about 60, but in Vulcan years that's really my age - and he's really smart and kind and funny, too, in a Vulcan way. His father is a member of the High Council, they're like the cultural leaders in the city, and he has a little cousin named Selek who is really cute and smart and wants to know everything about Earth." Realizing that she was babbling, Amanda stopped and bit her lip. "...Mom?"
Amanda's mother swept her dark hair out of her eyes. It was lightly tinted with gray, and Amanda noticed that it had grown more so since she'd left Earth. "Well, sweetheart, that's...quite something. I wish you had at least mentioned this boy earlier."
"It didn't seem all that important," Amanda said, her brow furrowing, "at least, not at first. I'm sorry I didn't say anything."
"That's all right." Faye Grayson gave her daughter a smile, which immediately warmed Amanda's nervous heart. "I'm glad that you've met someone. But he's a Vulcan?"
Amanda tried a nervous smile. "Well, yeah, obviously."
"Oh, right." Faye blinked. "Is that really...possible?"
"Yes, of course it is!" Amanda said, feeling herself blush. "It's happened before. Vulcans aren't all that different from Humans. At least, not where it matters. They're just as capable as loving as we are, they just don't show it as much. I've learned a lot about Vulcans, Mom. They can be very expressive, in their own way, you just need to learn how to read them."
Her mother put up her hands in defeat. "All right, I believe you! You said he was the ambassador to Earth? That's a pretty big deal."
Amanda shrugged. "I suppose it is. Apparently I'm sort of a big deal here, too. That's actually why I've got a bit of a problem." She bit her lip again, wondering where to begin. "Our relationship was a secret...for the obvious reasons. I didn't want to jeopardize the program, and as the ambassador he has obligations. It would have caused a scandal if anyone knew." Amanda sighed. "And we've just been found out."
"Oh." Faye was silent for a moment. "I don't understand, why should anyone object to you two being together?"
Amanda twiddled some more with her braid. "Not all the Vulcans are pleased about me being here. A lot of traditional Vulcans still aren't sure about Humans. Sarek's family is pretty prominent in the city - they're actually pretty wealthy. It wasn't really in his life plan to get involved with a Human, at least not according to his father. He's a bit of a helicopter parent, if you get my meaning."
Faye raised an eyebrow. "He hovers?"
"Yeah," Amanda said, and couldn't resist rolling her eyes. "That together with the fact that Sarek holds a very important political position makes things complicated. Not to mention that I really have to be on my best behavior, as the poster child for this new Starfleet program. It's going to cause a big stink if people find out that I've been messing around with a Vulcan - not that I am messing around. I really like him." Amanda added hurriedly. "But critics of the program will exploit the issue. They'll say that it's a waste of resources if the candidates can't keep it together. To say the least, it's making a really big problem for the people who worked hard to set up the program."
"I see," Faye said. She furrowed her brow and leaned her cheek on her hand, as Amanda knew she did when she was concentrating. It made her feel a little better to see this familiar action of her mother's. "It seems to me like all you can do is keep your head up. If you really care about him, Sarek, then you're going to have to be strong." Her mother gave her a worried glance. "But sweetie, I really hope that you won't let him take the place of all your ambitions. You have such a lot ahead of you, don't throw it away on some man. Promise me you'll think of your own plans first?"
Amanda watched her mother's worried expression, and realized what a mess it must sound like to her. She had gone away to learn and advance her career, to make connections, and out of the blue she calls home and describes this huge wrench she's thrown in the cogs of her own progress. "I know how this must sound to you, Mom," She began, trying to think of a way to make the situation clear, "but believe me, I haven't abandoned any of my plans. No matter what, Sarek won't get in the way of what I want to do - in fact I think he'd like to help me. Vulcans are...really choosy about who they date. They don't get into it unless they're ready for the long haul."
Faye's eyebrows shot up at that. "Are you telling me that you're planning to marry him?"
Amanda shook her head immediately. "No! Of course not. I'm saying that...he's planning to marry me. Maybe. I haven't really decided what I want to do about that." Immediately feeling sheepish, Amanda gave her mom a half-helpless, half-pleased look. "He loves me, Mom."
"Geez, Amanda, you've dropped a bomb on me and that's no mistake." Faye said, sitting back in her chair, but she didn't look upset or angry. "Do you love him?"
"I don't know." Amanda said thoughtfully. "But I'm willing to find out. But either way, if I decide to love him it won't mean that I love my goals any less."
A smile made her mother's brown eyes twinkle. "That's all we can hope for. I've always wanted you to find someone who will love you as much as your father and I do. And I guess as an ambassador Sarek is a good person...although your father will take some time to adjust to you having a Vulcan boyfriend no matter what he's like."
Amanda grimaced. "Don't tell Daddy just yet," She said. "I'd prefer if...well, can we just keep it as our secret for now? I promise I'll tell him soon, just not yet."
Faye shrugged. "All right, sweetheart, but don't keep it a secret too long. You know that he'll sulk if he finds out that I knew before he did. And about this problem - obviously it's not ideal, but you've always been strong, Amanda. I know you can weather any storm, just hold on to the things that are important to you and everything will come out right. You can call whenever you need to, though, day or night. And if worst comes to worst and they send you home, there are plenty of fellowships and jobs that you can get on Earth. Even if that happens, your father and I wouldn't object to having a Vulcan visitor for a while either." She added with a wink.
Amanda couldn't help smiling at her mother. "Thank you, Mom. Thanks a lot. I knew you would help me feel better. I love you."
"I love you too, dear. Very much. And no matter what happens, your father and I are proud of you."
Armed with the happy, calm feeling that her mother had given her, Amanda didn't panic half so much as she might have done when she recieved T'Rea's reply, twenty minutes after they'd said goodbye. T'Rea's message was frightfully short, which made Amanda bite her lip with worry. Was she just being Vulcan concise, or was she truly angry with Amanda? That was the peril of communicating through text other than speaking.
Miss Grayson,
You may visit my home at 17h00 this evening. We shall discuss the situation and I will inform you of what is to happen. The address is included below.
Sincerely,
T'Rea
Amanda knew her hands were trembling when she finished reading the message. After checking to see if there was a reply from Sarek, she set her PADD down. Sarek was silent, and she had to face T'Rea on her own. She thought of calling Ataur and George, but there was a black lump in her chest that was growing larger. If I have to explain this to anyone else, I'll scream, she thought. But, knowing that she would want their council in the future, she forced herself to dash out a quick message to both of them.
Sarek and I have been discovered. Prais saw us together. Councilman Skon is furious, and potentially T'Rea is too. I'm going to see her this evening. I can't write any more, but I will call soon, if I survive. - A.
Author's Note: It feels so good to be back in the swing of things. I've got the next chapters in progress already, at least in my head, so expect more soon! Chapter length has become quite variable, it seems, but I'll do my best to give you a good chunk of action every time. Thanks for being patient for the last chapter guys, I'm sorry if it seemed I was dead! 3