DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SUPERNATURAL OR ANY OF ITS CHRACTERS! TITLE INSPIRED BY A LINE OF JUMPER BY THIRD EYE BLIND. I DO NOT OWN ANYOG THEIR MUSIC OR LYRICS!
Icing Over a Secret Pain
Dean stepped over all the hidden spots on the hardwood floor he knew would creak from notches the cheap workers didn't bother to fix. He didn't want to wake Lisa and Ben. Dean sighed at the foot of his bed, the one he shared with Lisa. The same bed he had for a year. He never had a roof over his head, a bed, or even a pillow for any length of time longer than a month at the most. The only thing he had for longer than a year was his Impala, his guns, and Sam. The latter being his only possession that was always taken away from him. Dean squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the tears he wanted to spill. It had been a year, one long and depressing year. A year that seemed to be set on auto pilot. Dean tried, he really did. He loved Lisa and Ben and the life they shared with him but without his brother, without Sammy, it wasn't right. The only reason Dean was with Lisa and Ben was because Sam made him promise that he would try to live a normal life after he was gone. Sam made Dean promise him that he wouldn't try to bring Sam back. Dean had never been more mad or hurt with Sam after that. He did listen though, because Dean would do anything for his brother.
And this is what it got him, feeling stuck. He felt like there was no where he could possibly move from his feet firmly planted and entangled with the roots in their front yard. Dean was supposed to be living a normal life filled with friends and marriage and Ben. Maybe even have Lisa pop out a few kids, but he shuddered at the thought of all that. He didn't even have friends. The men Dean put on barbecues with and went out to grab a beer with were all acquaintances. They were Lisa's friends and were there so that Dean didn't feel so alone, but he still did. When surrounded by smiling, happy faces he wanted to go hide behind a tree and call for his brother. The only real friend he ever had was Cass, and even he stopped visiting. Dean had Bobby and Sam of course but they were family, they didn't count. Sam. Sammy. The name left a bittersweet taste on the tip of his tongue, like coffee without enough creamer. Dean turned on his side, away from Lisa, not wanting her to see he was anything other than happy. The salt and pistol he kept under their bed proved otherwise. Dean didn't think he could go on feeling so detached, like he was floating. Sometimes going with the flow was dangerous and he was tired of just going through the motions. Dean loved Lisa and Ben but he knew something had to give. He couldn't live not hunting; he had to make his brother proud. He couldn't live without his Sammy. He needed something to change, desperately. Otherwise, Dean didn't know how much more loneliness he could take.