When Amanda woke, she felt strangely cold. It took her a few moments to realize that this was because Sarek was no longer beside her. The room was dark and silent, with one window open to the night that had fallen while she slept. Amanda felt a breeze touch her skin and wondered how long she had slept. Sarek's absence was beginning to gnaw at her, however, and she soon sat up and tried to locate her clothes. It took her a little while to find all of her garments - they had been scattered far afield, and the light of the moon outside wasn't quite enough to see by. Once she had pulled her dress on - without bothering about undergarments, she didn't feel like giving up the entirety of her relaxation - she padded outside and glanced down the hall.
Sarek was sitting on the deck where she had once seen him reading in an un-Vulcanly state of repose. He was fully dressed, watching the darkening sky with a thoughtful expression on his face. Amanda slid the door open and joined him there, her bare feet making no noise on the deck's surface. He turned to look at her, and Amanda suddenly felt slightly self-conscious. She wrapped her arms around herself; the air was slightly chilly. "You left me alone," she said, with a half-smile. Sarek stood and went to her, placing his hands lightly on her waist.
"Yes, I apologize. I do not require as much sleep as you do." Sarek's voice was quiet, and at his touch Amanda could feel the buzz of his consciousness strongly. There seemed to be an extra element to their connection now, an added strength that hadn't been there before. He brushed her hair aside and kissed her neck lightly. "You can feel it as well. Our bond is nearly complete." Amanda smiled and slid her arms around him, enjoying the pleasant sensation of both his body and mind close to hers.
"I like it," She said. Just then, something tugged at her mind, and she drew back from him a bit, searching his face and the surface of his emotions for any sign of distress. "Are you all right? I know Vulcans...what we just did..."
"I am perfectly sound," Sarek said, as though he were slightly surprised by the fact. "I feel no misgivings or discomfort. I am simply pleased that we engaged in intercourse." Amanda had to laugh at that intensely Vulcan turn of phrase. He was unfazed by her amusement. "However, I believe there is something bothering you, Amanda."
Ah, the dark side of the bond...he notices things even when I'm trying to hide them. Perhaps because I'm trying to hide them. Amanda sighed. "There are some things I need to ask you about. When you fought - er, had that discussion with your father, you mentioned a few things that I don't understand. I need you to explain them to me, or I won't feel right about this."
Sarek's calm expression became grave. "Of course." He said. "I should have told you earlier. Before we-" Amanda cut him off.
"No, it's all right. Let's just talk about it now." She said, giving him a reassuring smile, or at least what she hoped was reassuring.
"Very well. We shall go back inside, the night air is too cold for you." Sarek gently steered her back into the house and shut the door behind him. "Do you require food or drink? It is past the normal dinner hour."
"Perhaps some juice," Amanda said. She wasn't quite hungry, but she knew that she would be soon. Her anxiety to get her questions answered was more powerful, however, and she didn't want to slow down Sarek's answers for food. Sarek gave her an amused look, and Amanda knew that he had sensed this, and understood her. They went downstairs and Amanda snuggled into a comfortable space on the couch while Sarek poured out some juice for them. When he handed Amanda her glass, she noticed it was the same kind as he had given her when they'd had dinner together. The taste made her smile.
"Now," Sarek said, joining her on the couch, "we shall talk." Amanda noticed that his feet were as bare as hers. Seeing him in this relaxed attitude made her feel another little wave of affection for him. "What is it you want to know?"
Amanda set her glass aside and drew her knees up to her chest. "Your father said that your "ponn farr" was coming. And that you would hurt me." She couldn't suppress a little shudder. Skon's words had been frightening, let alone that they were charged with fury. You will leave wounds that cannot heal. She looked up into Sarek's face, and she could feel the worry that was immediately present within him, invisible to anyone but her. "Why was your father so worried? What is ponn farr?"
Sarek looked down at his juice for a moment. Amanda could see the machinery working in his mind, trying to come up with an answer for her. She could tell that ponn farr, whatever it was, was something very personal, and very taboo. Unfortunately this only made her worry and curiosity rise. "Ponn farr is part of the Vulcan mating cycle," Sarek said finally. "Every seven years of adult life, Vulcans experience a neurochemical imbalance that outwardly presents as a kind of madness. The imbalance can only be counteracted by bonding and mating with a suitable partner...or, in extreme cases, by killing." Amanda knew she had gone pale. When she was unable to say anything, Sarek looked away from her. "It does not matter how much control we have over ourselves. The savagery always remains." His tone was so defeated that Amanda reached forward and put her hand on his leg, trying to convey some sort of reassurance while she herself was still reeling from the information.
"What do you mean by madness?" She asked, trying to banish the horrible images she was forming in expectation of his answer.
Sarek still wouldn't meet her eyes. "Our emotional barriers are completely demolished. We become beasts. Until our urges are met, we are unable to control ourselves, physically or mentally."
"Oh." Amanda clenched her teeth. Well this was certainly a huge bomb to drop on her, although Amanda supposed she should have expected something of the kind. She couldn't help the fear that was flooding her now. She had seen Sarek act on an impulse before, and it had been frightening...very frightening.
"There have been cases," Sarek was speaking again, and Amanda forced herself to cut through her sudden fear to focus on him, "where an individual has harmed his or her prospective mate with excessive force." He finally turned to look at her, and there was a fear in his eyes that made Amanda's blood run cold. "Vulcans are approximately three times stronger than Humans, on average. My father was expressing anxiety that I would grievously harm you, should we be together when my ponn farr overtakes me. It is a fear that I also share."
"Sarek-" Amanda began, but Sarek raised a hand to stop her.
"Please, I must tell you all. I am experiencing a considerable amount of guilt for not having informed you of this earlier. In addition to being physically forceful, I would also be disregard your mental barriers. Should you be unwilling to mate with me at any other time, I would respect your wishes, as it is your right to refuse me. However, under the influence of ponn farr, I would...not be able to resist. In Vulcan society there have been instances of rape associated with the blood fever brought on by ponn farr, both physical and mental."
Amanda withdrew from Sarek, feeling her body grow cold. Amanda thought herself very fortunate to never have been the victim of any molestation, but she had known people who had. A girl in her high school, a young man in her Political Science class in college. In all her previous relationships she had been careful to protect herself against any sign of abuse. But Amanda knew that no one could be held accountable for being a victim of abuse or rape - it could happen to anyone. And here she sat, beside a man she was more than half in love with, and he was telling her that he might rape her. Amanda couldn't think of anything to say. She could dimly sense Sarek's distress, but she couldn't meet his eyes, or do anything to reassure him. One little, brazen thought rose in her mind, battling off all the others: how could he have done all this, said he loved me, slept with me, if he knew? How could he have been this...irresponsible? Amanda looked up and met Sarek's eyes, and she knew that he had heard that thought. He looked as if he'd been stabbed between the ribs.
"Amanda," Sarek's voice was quiet. "I will not ask you to stay if you do not wish to. You are free to leave me. I would never willingly hurt you."
Amanda licked her lips, watching his face. She could feel the depth of his fear, his dread of harming the woman he loved...of harming her. "There have been other relationships between Vulcans and Humans." She said, her voice almost a whisper. She felt like she were clinging to the tiniest, flimsiest little piece of hope left to her.
"Yes," Sarek said, and Amanda could see a hint of desperation in his eyes as he continued, "In Vulcan relationships, ponn farr often arrives for the different partners at different points in their lifetimes. However, rapes and abuse are very rare because the fever is communicated through the bond. When one partner enters ponn farr, the other follows them, and neither is harmed." He paused and began to speak more slowly. "It is possible, although less likely, that the same sort of communication can happen between a Vulcan and Human partner. The only successful relationships between Vulcans and Humans are achieved because their bond is strong enough to support the transference of the fever. I believe that...because you are my t'hy'la...I believe that I would not harm you in my ponn farr. I believe you would join me." Amanda could see Sarek's jaw clench when he was done. She watched his face; the strong, dark features, the beautiful curve from his jawline to his collarbone to his shoulders. This could be my undoing, Amanda thought, this could be where it all goes wrong and where I make a horrible mistake. But she could feel the current that ran between them, the harmony between her pulse and his, and she made her choice.
"Yes," she said, moving back into his embrace. "We're together - I'll join you." Amanda could feel his grief and pain subsiding and he pulled her close to him, and she buried her face in the warm hollow of his neck and collarbone.
"I need to talk to you," Amanda said through the console to the slightly worried face of Ataur. "I have a lot to tell you, and I need your advice." It was the following day, and Amanda was back at her own home, fully dressed in fresh clothes, with her auburn mane successfully tamed. Her worries, however, had not been fully tamed, despite the wonderful night and morning she'd spent with Sarek, tangled in each other's embrace and sharing warm, slow kisses. She blushed to recall what they had done together after their discussion the previous night - but it was a pleased, happy blush. Now, however, Ataur seemed to sense that there was something wrong - Amanda wondered if her relaxed attitude with Sarek was seeping through into her behavior with other Vulcans, and sincerely hoped not.
"Of course, Amanda." He said. "Shall we meet at your home?"
Amanda chewed on her lip. "The public gardens," She said. "I need some fresh air." Her emotional vacillations between anxiety and joy over the past few days were wearing on her, and Amanda felt as though she could absorb some peace from the quiet, expansive gardens at the center of the city. Her assumption was not in vain. When she arrived at the gardens an hour later, Amanda was immediately struck with the deep, calm silence of the place. Despite the garden's location at the center of Shi'Kahr, the noise of the surrounding city was completely dampened. There had been some modifications to the climate in the gardens, of course - Shi'Kahr was far too dry to support such lush greenery, and Amanda assumed that there had been some sound proofing involved in that as well. She wandered down a shaded path, enjoying the plant scents in the air and lost in her own thoughts. She was so lost, in fact, that Ataur had to call her name twice before she realized he was there.
Ataur was sitting comfortably underneath the spreading canopy of a bone-white tree with dark leaves. As he stood and gestured Amanda over, he said "It is a wonderful specimen, is it not? Local to the mountainous regions north of Shi'Kahr. It is called the igen-fo-dan, colloquially, sky shield." Amanda took a seat on the bench Ataur had been sitting on, and he joined her. "Now please Amanda, tell me what is bothering you, so that I may do my best to assist you."
Amanda nodded. "Thank you, Ataur. I assume you got my note about me and Sarek." Her meditation teacher nodded, and she could see the concern in her eyes. It made her feel a little better to know that her friend cared for her so. "We still haven't resolved the issue with Councilman Skon," She continued. "He is determined not to accept us, and T'Rea is..."
"Yes, I know of T'Rea's reaction." Ataur said gravely, and Amanda felt her heart sink.
"I went to see her yesterday. She was so angry..."
Ataur shook his head. "T'Rea is not angry. She is concerned, both for her project and for you, Amanda. The Councilman is a very powerful man, and should he decide to act...improperly, you could be in significant trouble. You may be in significant trouble should the Councilman decide to do nothing, in truth. There are many in the city who do not approve of your presence here at all. If they should learn of your relationship with the Ambassador you would be less in trouble than in danger." Amanda looked away and sighed.
"This is turning out to be far more complicated and worrisome than I assumed at the outset," She said.
"Do you regret it?"
Amanda paused. "No. Sarek is...well, I'm willing to withstand everything else for him."
Ataur gave a near-smile. "So it is with all t'hy'la." He said. "You are a remarkable young woman, Amanda. But all of this I know already - what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
Well, here goes. Amanda took a breath. "Sarek explained ponn farr to me."
"Ah." Ataur's face immediately changed, becoming more closed off and serious. Amanda hoped she hadn't broken a serious code of conduct with her teacher, but she had to continue, now that she had started. After all, who else could she ask?
"I'm not worried...not really worried. I just want to know how probable it is that I'll, er, be able to receive the fever. I know it's happened before in Vulcan Human relationships. Is there any way to know whether we'll be..."
"Safe?" Ataur asked, and Amanda could see a glimmer of his normal self behind his eyes. "I had wondered about this, Amanda. Between Vulcans, the bond of t'hy'la can withstand anything. I can't imagine that it would be much different for you and Sarek. You have shared dreams, which demonstrates to me that your bond runs very deep. Beyond that, however, I cannot say. I have never heard of a situation exactly like yours, therefore I cannot give you an absolute answer. If you need to know, of course..." Ataur trailed off, his brow furrowing.
"What? What can I do?" Amanda asked. She wasn't sure if she needed a solid answer. She wasn't quite sure of anything, except that she wanted to stay with Sarek, despite this danger.
"It is possible to induce ponn farr, if the individual is close enough to that turn of the cycle. With the help of skilled mind healers, of course. It has been useful for individuals who are scheduled to go on long journeys away from their mates. It does not always work, of course. It depends on the nature of the bond and of the individual wishing to induce ponn farr." Ataur gave Amanda a sidelong look. "If you are worried, you may ask Sarek to do this for you. That way you can know."
"But what if it doesn't work?" Amanda asked, twisting her hands together. "What if we aren't compatible? Won't I just end up getting..." She trailed off, but Ataur got the message.
"You would be in a controlled environment. Sarek's needs would be seen to without your help, assuming you do not fall into sync." Ataur seemed uncertain. "At the present time, however, I would advise against such a venture. It would require the help of a trusted healer, and a compatible individual waiting to mate with Sarek should things go wrong. The matriarch of his family -" Amanda cut him off.
"Sarek would...with someone else?" She asked. The idea grated against her, and she felt as though there were a bad taste in her mouth. "No. I don't...no." She couldn't explain to Ataur why. It was too personal to say to a Vulcan, in public. She shook her head. Ataur looked relieved, however.
"Yes, I thought perhaps this idea would be disagreeable to you." He said. "In any case, now is not the right time for such considerations. You have time."
Amanda fiddled with the end of her scarf, not meeting Ataur's eyes. "Um, I apologize for asking you to tell me about this. I know Vulcans do not like to discuss it. There was no one else I could ask."
"I understand, Amanda." She looked up into his eyes and saw that he did. Ataur's face was open and relaxed again, he was her affable teacher once more. "May I offer you some more advice?"
"Please do." Amanda said, resisting a smile.
"Do not worry about Councilman Skon and T'Rea, or your position in the program. I believe that you will be reinstated soon. In truth, this is not as much of a scandal as some would make it out to be. In my opinion, it is a reflection of the success of the program, and not a failing. Marriage between our peoples, on such a visible level, will promote good will between Earth and Vulcan. Even to Vulcans, a good love story is appreciated." There was the lightest hint of a smile on Ataur's face. Amanda, however, couldn't help squirming.
"What if it doesn't end in marriage, Ataur?" Amanda asked, her heart starting to skip oddly. "What if we break up?"
"Hmm. I believe there is a saying on Earth...'we will cross that bridge when we come to it.'"
Author's Note: Hello again! Have you missed me? I apologize for my long absence. Settling into Italy is taking time...but I had a free afternoon and I realized that I missed writing this thing, whatever it is. I'm sorry it's a short chapter. I thought you would appreciate getting an update even if it was kind of a dinky one. I will attempt to keep updating regularly, but if I may disappear suddenly :( I will try not to though! 3