I should already be asleep by now, I wonder how I'm going to get up tomorrow...
Anyway, penultimate chapter, guys! Yeah, this story is really not that long. And I really wonder what you'll think about this chapter because I'm not sure if that whole first part with Thor thinking about... stuff, does even make sense or sounds natural. Just lots of jumbled thoughts, I hope they are at least not contradicting themselves anywhere! :D
Thor's thoughts were becoming darker and darker still. Only two things occupied his mind: His death and Loki. Concerning the former, he was less and less sure he would ever get out of here and it depended greatly on the latter. Loki looked like he wanted to try and persuade Hela, but what if it turned out the other way around and she persuaded him?
Maybe he shouldn't have tried so much during the battle... no, no, what is he thinking, did his fear blind him so much that he would stoop to something so dishonourable? Fighting to protect others with all his might even if it meant staying dead – was it not the same as fighting for others with his life at stake?
This directed his thoughts towards the Avengers, towards the Warriors Three and Sif, towards his family... towards Jane... He didn't spare a thought for any of them when he decided to follow Loki. Would they mourn for him or be angry at him? Probably both. He left them all... Stupid, so stupid! Loki was right! Thor felt like pulling his hair in frustration. He was stuck here, dead, far from everyone he loved and all by being reckless and idiotic.
Yes, he couldn't not fight with all his might after arriving here, but if he were to choose again whether to go after Loki to this realm or not – he would not. Of course he would not! The sole thought of dying to help someone who would – albeit less quickly – win the battle anyway, was now looking absolutely absurd, especially when there was a bit slower, but perfectly usable way to get there without dying.
This was... not a good enough reason to die for. He would have been so much more helpful if he had stayed alive. If he had stayed with his friends... What hope did he have to be revived, really? If he was useful here, Loki would not deprive his daughter of such an advantage. And even if he somehow cared for Thor – he visited Helheim often, he could meet with his dead brother whenever he wanted. Similar to Angrboda, she and Loki were not on very good terms either but Thor did not doubt they cared for each other. She surely did, considering his short conversation with the frost giantess, and Loki... Loki had cared for his second wife deeply up until the fateful day when he found out about her shapeshifting abilities and jotun nature, not moving a hand in his shock to help her when a group of enraged Aesir slew her like a beast. Loki refused to speak of her ever again afterwards, acting angry at the slightest mention, but Frigga once commented that he was deeply hurt by the betrayal and by the fact that despite it all, he could not bring himself to hate her.
And Thor now knew more than one reason for the sadness in their mother's words. But... he was sure Loki and Angrboda would eventually reconcile. Maybe... maybe now even he could be reconciled with Loki, start discovering his brother's true self, start accepting what Loki really is, no matter what he might find out along the way. Changed or not, they were raised together as brothers and Thor would never think of them in any other way. This seemed like the best opportunity he had since before Loki's invasion of Midgard.
And that was another thing the current situation had changed: They were no longer fighting on opposing sides on the realm of mortals, there was no reason for such enmity here in Helheim. So maybe Loki would also stop attacking them now. Thor wasn't sure if it was the only reason, but Loki did target Midgard because Thor loved the realm. If staying dead meant keeping Midgard safe and having greater hopes to make peace with Loki... then he felt he might accept his fate more easily. Loki could even eventually make peace with Asgard... yes, of course Thor would miss his family and friends from any of the realms. But so is the ordeal of every man dying – and everyone else being left behind. They would all eventually... get used to it, to their new reality.
There was a quick but soft knock on the door, a sound Thor easily recognized after hearing it for centuries. That was it, then. Loki came to tell him he was to remain here forever. Very well.
"Come in," he called in a steady voice.
His brother slipped inside silently, his posture sure and radiating energy. He seemed very content, despite keeping his expression neutral. No signs of tiredness from the previous battle either. Thor's heart sunk. Yes, he expected Loki to be... glad for being rid of his long time rival – no matter how much Thor did not want to be one for him – but such... happiness? Did Loki really care so little? Thor sincerely hoped that it was just the elation in the moment of triumph. And maybe it was better to see Loki in such a good mood, it might be easier to make him talk, make him let Thor talk to him. So they could reconcile. After all, it was to be Thor's only goal from now on, he would not give it up. He took a deep breath to calm himself again.
"Brother," he greeted.
"Not your brother," Loki replied automatically but before he could say anything more, Thor interrupted him:
"No, you are. You are my brother and I am determined to do anything to make you see. I... I want to be a better brother to you, I know I have made mistakes, have not paid enough attention to you-"
"Now you decide to bring this out again?" Loki said incredulously.
"I should have sooner, I know," Thor sighed in resignation, "but I cannot change the past therefore I can only try to create a better future. In this realm, we are not enemies, it is our chance to start anew! Please, Loki, will you not let me get to know you? I do not want to be ignorant towards you anymore," he felt like he was babbling now, words falling out of him in a tangled heap, "I – I admit I wish I did not have to die to have my eyes finally opened, but now that it has come to this – I do not want to waste this opportunity. Will you give me a chance? Just... just a few minutes every time you visit Helheim is enough."
Loki blinked in surprise, finally realizing that Thor jumped to some rather pessimistic conclusions in the past few hours. As if you are any better, he heard in his head an amused voice sounding suspiciously like Hela's. He chased the thought away and willed himself to show a mocking smile:
"How... thoughtful. But not possible." Let the oaf stew for a little while.
Thor's brows furrowed slightly, eyes showing signs of desperation. "Why? Do you think it so hopeless? Do you think us so hopeless? Will you not give me just one more chance? I swear that this time-"
"Thor!" Loki silenced him. "While I am sure you truly wish for a reconciliation – be it for fear you will be left alone here," he couldn't help but add, but didn't let Thor to defend his intentions, "you will have no need to stoop so low." Loki slowly crossed the room while he was talking and now he was looking out of the window at the dark, blue-grey sky. "For I came to bring you to my daughter," he turned sharply at Thor, "she is waiting for us to send us back to Midgard."
He watched intently the Thunderer's reaction. First there was a wide-eyed stare, as if not fully comprehending those words. Then came the joy that brightened his face and right after that a wary suspicion darkened it again. "Is it true? Or is it merely one of your tricks?"
Loki gave him a humourless laugh: "I am glad to know I am as trusted as ever. What was it you were saying just a moment ago?"
Thor panicked a bit. "No, no this is not how I meant it! Well, you do have a reputation of... but, no, I am sorry. I – I simply did not expect that the queen would let me leave..."
Both were silent for a little while, Loki still studying Thor curiously, before asking: "So? How do you feel about this unexpected turn of events? You seemed to be looking forward to this... reconciliation attempt. And now your plans are for naught, we will go back to being enemies the moment we leave this realm." He silenced himself for a second, face contorted in a thought. "Say, would you prefer staying dead then? What is more important to you?"
Loki felt like he shouldn't be saying this. He wanted Thor to live but the impulsive prince was able to decide on the spot that he would rather stay here, just as his idiotic decision to die to follow Loki. But Loki wanted to know the answer, it was too much of a good opportunity to pass up. And he can always talk him out of staying in case it came to it, Thor was easily susceptible to Loki's words.
Thor's brows were furrowed, sure that Loki was expecting a certain answer, but not sure which. Would he want Thor to say that nothing was more important to him than their brotherly bond? Or would Loki want to be reassured of his expectations that his adoptive family did not really care for him? In the end, it did not matter, because Thor was not capable of a convincing lie, not would he attempt crafting one.
"Our brotherhood is very important to me, do not ever doubt it-"
"But you would rather go back to your mortal friends," Loki finished triumphantly, not sure if the feeling of satisfaction was caused by the realization that he wouldn't have to persuade Thor to leave, or by his assumptions of Thor's lack of care for him being proven right – but what did the sharp pang of betrayal mean then?
"It is not just the Avengers, but my friends on Asgard, my family and all the people, Midgardian, Asgardian or of other realms, whom I wish to protect. I do love you, Loki, but you are not the only one I hold dear to my heart."
Loki snorted with derision. "Well, if your heart is such a big crowded place, I am sure there is a dark corner somewhere for the monsters."
"You are not a monster and it is not what I meant!" Thor repeated, more desperate than before.
"Then how did you mean it?" Loki asked calmly, not addressing the 'monster' topic, and kept a mildly inquisitive look. It was a cruel game but one he couldn't bring himself to stop.
"Just because I care for more people than you does not mean I care little," Thor shook his head; this was going nowhere. He said nothing for a moment and then gave Loki a sad look. "Does it mean you would accept me only if I were dead?"
Loki's whole body jerked at the accusation and he hoped it wasn't too noticeable. Then he cocked his head, expression blank, and countered coolly: "And if it does?"
"That is not an answer," Thor said more firmly. He didn't want to continue this charade.
They stared unwaveringly into each other's eyes for a few minutes, before Loki averted his sight, sighing gently. In a low voice, it was him who uttered those words this time: "No, it was not what I meant." He hoped for a neutral tone but clearly failed.
"Then our dilemma is solved," Thor beamed immediately, his foul mood all but instantly forgotten, and started to the door.
"Thor, I did not say I would accept you if you were alive," Loki reminded him in a slight panic but the older god just laughed and patted him on his shoulder as he walked by: "But we have hope. Now, let us find my niece!" he boomed exuberantly.
"She is not your niece," Loki corrected the energetic god as he followed him out of the room, feeling exactly as the many times before, back in Asgard, when Thor took liking to some idea and refused to let it go, dragging Loki along, disregarding whatever trouble it would lead to.
"Well, she called me her uncle," Thor grinned when Loki caught up to him.
"You mean... recently?" the younger god frowned as he fell into step next to him. Hela called Thor as such many times, but that was before Loki had found out he was adopted. And as far as he knew, this was the first time since then that the Thunder God and the Death Goddess met.
"Indeed. During the battle," Thor confirmed. Loki only managed to roll his eyes and huffed. Hela was doing this on purpose, of course, and that made it all the more irritating. In their brisk pace, they quickly reached the courtyard. There, Thor stopped and looked around in confusion.
"To be truthful," he turned to Loki like a lost retriever, "I do not know where to find her. But you do, brother, do you not?"
"Not you brother," Loki shot at him but lead the way, to the north-west where the outer walls were seen in the distance, damaged but already under reconstruction. Loki eyed them from afar, gauging the destruction. Yes, it would take a much shorter time to repair them than it did after the previous battles. It was still crucial to be finished with them before the next wave of invaders appeared though, even small cracks needed to be sealed, nothing left for the demons to exploit in their efforts to get inside, right to the residential areas and the castle.
"Then I think we should start working on it right now," Thor proposed eagerly.
"You want to help rebuilding the walls?" Loki asked genuinely confused as his thoughts were focused on the repairs ahead.
Thor blinked, unsure if his brother was making a jest. "No, I was talking about our relationship."
Oh, right. Loki didn't even notice what he said that Thor reacted to, voicing the "not your brother" line automatically by now. "This again?"
"We have time to talk now," Thor explained. Their walk to the walls promised a good fifteen minutes. "Once we are back to Midgard, such an opportunity might be... harder to come by," he looked at Loki from the corner of his eye, worried what the reaction to that statement could be. Trying to talk to Loki out of causing trouble on Midgard always went about as well as one could imagine.
"I am a busy man," Loki shrugged nonchalantly. Thor sighed.
"But could you not really find some time... Loki, please, just once in a while, what is the harm of exchanging a few words."
The Silvertongue knew very well what 'harm' a few words could cause, but they could also cause other things. Things... he might, somewhere deep in his frozen heart, hope for – and fear them at the same time. He tried to fight off the conflicting emotions, not liking what they insinuated. Then he noticed Thor, now fully turned to him as they walked, and realized he didn't say a word for at least a few minutes. He cleared his throat, purposefully not meeting Thor's eyes, and said in his best disinterested tone: "Very well, you have until we reach the walls to persuade me it would be worth my time."
This, this was his opportunity. Finally. But Thor never was very good with words and now he felt like his wits had left him altogether. He opened his mouth a few times without making a sound, wondering how to start. Then he pursed his lips in frustration and decided not to think about it and just talk.