A/N: A special shout-out to the first person who can identify the movie that the title of this story refers to. (Hint: it's well before your time. Heck, it's well before my time, and I'm a lot older than most of you.)

Also, I don't know whether anyone much cares, but I'm planning to resume "Ye Ice-Falls" sometime soon. "Sorrows and Joys", on the other hand, is on hiatus until such time as I figure out a way to make it not suck so much.

Disclaimer: As ever, don't own.

One week later

Suzanne Goggins, erstwhile history teacher at Hollywood Arts, looked out over her class with a barely suppressed sigh. She was trying her best to explain the causes of the Civil War, but, as usual, most of her students were paying her only the bare minimum of attention, the rest of their minds lost in dreams of platinum records and stars on the Walk of Fame. Only two faces stared unwaveringly at Suzanne: Gunther, the new exchange student who seemed to take a keen interest in everything that went on around him, and – amazingly enough – Caterina Valentine. Normally a bundle of irrational energy, today she was almost supernaturally focused. Suzanne swore she could see flashes of lightning sparking behind the young redhead's corneas, as if the activity of her brain were so intense that it was bleeding over into her facial expression… no. That was ridiculous.

Suzanne forced herself to turn back to the blackboard. "So, as you can see, the anti-slavery North and pro-slavery South were bound to come in conflict after the election of Abraham Lincoln in 1860. Any questions so far?"

Cat's hand shot up.

"Look, Cat, we really don't have time to hear another story about your brother."

The redhead's face darkened. "This isn't about my brother, ma'am. Nor does it have anything to do with candy or SkyStore, in case you were wondering."

"All right." Suzanne's curiosity was piqued. "What is it?"

"I don't mean to be rude, but – don't you think that explanation is a bit facile?"

The teacher stared at her, uncomprehending. She had never imagined that Cat even had such words in her vocabulary. "I beg your pardon?"

"That is – while sentiment over slavery was certainly divided in antebellum America, it would be awfully remiss to neglect economic factors as a motivation for civil discord. The agriculturally based South resented and feared the greater wealth of the industrialized North, seeing it as a threat to plantation society."

"I…wha? That's not in the textbook…"

Cat ignored her and continued with her rush of words. "Not to mention that it's something of an exaggeration to call the North 'anti-slavery'. Abolitionist sentiment was very much in the minority, and concentrated largely in New England. The Midwest, on the other hand, was so full of Southern sympathizers that, once open war broke out, so-called 'Copperhead' societies were formed in Indiana and Ohio that were devoted to sabotaging the Union war effort."

"I…I don't…where did you learn all this? Who are you? And what have you done with Cat Valentine?"

Cat raised an eyebrow. "I'm still the same person I've always been, ma'am. Just a little…enhanced." Her face suddenly brightened again. "Oh, while I'm thinking of it – would you like to see the miniature black hole that Mr. Longneck and I made?"

Suzanne snorted in disbelief. This must be a dream. Or had she fallen through the looking glass at last? Had years of teaching disaffected prima donnas finally driven her to madness? "Cat, the finest minds in the world don't fully understand how black holes function. Do you expect me to believe that a seventeen-year-old girl and a stuffed giraffe managed to create…oh, dear God."

With a Cheshire cat smile, Cat held out a cubic metal frame, enclosed on every side with magnetic fields. Within it, a tiny, swirling pool of darkness sucked light into its greedy center and devoured it whole.

"It was a lot trickier than I thought – Mr. Longneck and I had to spend a whole evening on the quantum mechanical calculations alone!"

Suzanne's face went deadly pale.

"Your blood sugar looks dangerously low," remarked a worried Cat, reaching into her bra. "How about some licorice?"

"I…this…it doesn't…I can't…EEEEEAAAAGH!" Suzanne threw her lesson plan in the air, dropped her chalk, ran out the door, hurried to the parking lot, leapt into her convertible, and sped off homeward, shrieking like a banshee the whole way.

"Nice goin', Cat," said Rex. "You broke the teacher's brain."

"Oh, dear. I suppose my newfound intelligence can be a touch off-putting. Isn't that right, Mr. Longneck?" She waved the giraffe, now wearing a tiny lab coat, about in the air and said in a comically deep voice, "It certainly is, Miss Valentine!"

One by one, the uneasy students slid from their desks and filed out, all of them eyeing the tiny tear in the fabric of space-time lest it escape its containment field and begin to collapse the entire room into an infinitely dense singularity. Only Gunther and Robbie remained behind.

"Um, Cat?" The young ventriloquist's hands were shaking, though he desperately tried to hide it. "Maybe you should…I don't know…shut that thing down?"

"Oh, you silly-billy. It can't be shut down!"

"Uh-oh…"

"What do you mean, 'uh-oh'? That's the beautiful thing about it! Once I figure out how to tap into the power differential around the event horizon, this little beauty will provide the world with an infinite source of free energy!"

With a thoughtful look on his face, Gunther slipped away, taking care not to be noticed by Cat and Robbie. Once in the hall, he looked to his left, then to his right – no one in sight. Quickly he ducked into the supply closet, shut the door behind him, and pressed a tiny button on the underside of his watch. The digital display faded out, and a television picture crackled into view: a shadowy figure seated at a desk.

"This is Operative Gamma," Gunther whispered. "I've stumbled across something that may be of interest to our organization."

"Shall I send backup?" The figure's voice was electronically distorted; it was standard protocol in the organization that controllers' identities were kept a secret even from the field agents under their command.

"At once, please."

Gunther thought for a moment, then added:

"And, if possible, select personnel with special expertise in abduction and interrogation. There's a girl here who should have some interesting things to tell us, once we…persuade her properly."