Chapter Five- "Prayer cards and Newtons. Gifts from the Lord."
The counter seemed so far away as we walked through the CVS. I could almost smell the sex wafting towards us from those tiny blue pills. Each step towards the pharmacy brought me a step closer to knowing Edward in the biblical sense.
"Pick up for Cullen!" Edward stated, fast and meshed together, when he was about three feet away from the counter.
My insides quivered with enthusiasm as the pharmasist headed in the back to retrevie our bedroom helpers. We would soon be doing the big nasty and all my wildests Vampirey dreams would come true.
Edward penned his name to the paper thus passing the pure pills into our posession. Extatic, I went and grabbed a bottle of minieral water for him to swallow the little friend down with and we headed to the check out line.
Reaching the line we noticed yet another snag in our shag. An elderly woman not long for this world was ahead of us. Infront of her, she had a pile of pennies and a package of Depends. It was almost endearing, how she was counting the pennies to properly pay for her adult diapers.
Her arthrtic hands slowly counted each penny at a time in order to acheive two dollars and fifty cents worth of pennies.
"One dollar," The women counted quietly to her self. "One dollor and one cent," a sound of little kids crashing through the aisles forced her feeble head up. When she turned back down, she seemed to be confused. Soon after she pushed all her pennies into the uncounted pile. "One, two, three," she began recounting her pennies again.
Edward's face flushed to a deep pale. He was getting visibly annoyed. His jaw clentched in annoyance as he fished around in his wallet for two dollars and two qaurters.
"HERE!" he screamed, almost giving the poor woman a heart attack. "TAKE THE STUPID MONEY!"
"Oh... dearie me," the woman answered him feebly. "What a kind young man." She turned again to her pennies, "Now... how much do I owe you?"
"NOTHING. GOD WOMAN!" Edward once again screamed.
"Oh, well that just won't do," she retorted, searching in her purse. Pulling out a stick of gum and a prayer card, she handed the items to Edward. "There we are."
Edard visibly shook with anger, and sexual frustration, as he snatched the useless items from the old lady.
"On the plus side," I tried to calm my dear sweet Edward down, "Prayer seems to turn you on." When Edward is in church he isn't the only one that rises for the Apostle Creed.
Edward glowered in my direction as he jammed the ten dollars into the self-checkout. The machine wirled and sputtered and finally farted into a non working state. Edward had jammed too hard. I vwondered if that was a coming attraction of later that night. My loins quivvered with excitement imaging his inserting of the top dollar into my change machine.
"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" he screamed again as he smacked the machine with viggor. "Will nothing go right for me today?!" Edward hit the machine once more with his fist and his head followed soon after. His flawless back began to tremble as, once again, Edward broke into an open weep.
"Why... Why can't I just have an errection?" he cried as he fell to his knees, sobbing openly. "All I want is to take Bella to be my own. I just want to thrust! To plunge! To impose! To push into her! Is that so much to ask, Lord? IS IT?" He looked down at his prayer card and gum, tears streaming down his face and leaving small watermarks on the cardboard. Saint Anthony, the parton saint of lost items, smiled a serene smile back at him causing yet another wave of tears down my beloved cupcake's face.
"WHY GOD? WHYYYYYY?" He bellowed, throwing fisted hands up to the heavens. People were staring.
"Hunny, Hunny," I rubbed his back trying to calm his heaving sobs. "We can just go to the regular checkout."
"We can?" his crying stopped as if his tears were controled by a faucet.
"Yes. Yes we can."
"HOT DOG!" Edward jumped up with vivacity, the same vivacity that made me fall in love with him, and sprinted to the assisted checkout only a mere two feet away. "Let's do this!"
He threw his ten dollars on the counter without saying two words to the cashier, and then snatched the viagra and me before dashing out of the CVS without waiting for a recepit.
We rushed back to the hotel with the speed that only a child who had been denied food and was now recieving it could rush. He popped the little blue friend into his mouth, downed his mineral water, and then sad on the bed.
"It takes about thirty mintues to work," he explained as I started derobing myself. "Might as well wait for the big show and not bother starting the activities early. Should we order room service?" he asked calmly.
'ROOM SERVICE?" I demanded. I wanted my sex, I wanted my sex badly. But, as he always was, Edward was right. It would be silly to waist the half-an-hour we had before the big moment, so I begrudgingly agreed, handing him the menu.
"Oh look, Bella! They have Fig Newtons! I love Fig Newtons. They're not a cookie, they're fruit and cake, you know." Edward said jovially.
"Yes, Edward. Yes. I know. Fruit and cake. Fine. Whatever."
"You seem a bit put-off, Bella darling," Edward observed.
"I just don't like the idea of this waiting thing! I've waited so long already! Nineteen years of my life have passed me by without prodding your member into my bits! I don't want to wait another moment!"
"Soon, my love. I can already feel a tingling. I think this is a good sign."
I sighed as Edward rang up some Fig Newtons from the room service.
"They'll be here in fifteen minutes!" he stated with the excitement of a kid who just got a toy store from his parents, once he hung up the phone.
"Cool. " I relied without emotion. Now I know why people of the religious profession are always so grouchy. This no sex thing was killing me, and God can always fulfill ones desires.
"Oh come on!" Edwards tone changed sharply. "It's a measley twenty-five minutes! I've waited over one hundred years. I've been a very very lonely man Bella. All I want is a few Newtons before we get started. Is that too much to ask."
Edward shot me puppy dog eyes, and I melted. His happiness was enough to put of sex until he could eat some delicious fruity and cakey treats.
"It isn't, I'm sorry Edward. I'm being impatient, but can you blame me? I've been longing for so long! And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!" I qouted without mentioning the source in the footnote. All this deprovation was making me a little crazy, denying Newtons, forgetting copyright laws...
Setting the full force of his eyes on me, Edward sighed, letting me get my girly movie quotes off my chest. "Are you quite done?" he asked.
"...Yeah, yeah I think I'm good now." I replied, substantially calmed.
"Good, because the roomservice bellhop is almost here and I wouldn't want you to embarass yourself infront of him. He believes himself to be very much a ladies man and I wouldn't want to kill his buzz. Poor sport."
Sure enough, the bellhop knocked lightly on the door a minute later. As Edward went to open the door I noticed that something else had just arrived as well.
"Hello my good sir!" Edward greeted the man with cheeriness, his pants protruding from his crotch.
"Hello sir." the Bellhop returned trying hard not to focus on the perfect denim lump in Edward pants. "Um...Here's your roomservice."
"OH BOY!" Edward jumped in place. "Let the heavens rain puppies and rainbows upon the world! My Fig Newtons are here!"
"Um have you been drinking sir?" the Bellhop inquired.
"Only the sweet smell of Newtons!" Edward once again jummped for joy, but seems destracted on his flawless landing. It would be a ten dismount in the Olympics.
"Oh. OH look-ey there!" Edward was now staring at his pants. "What ya know? The little bugger just surprised me. Well I guess the nights going to be even better than just devoring scrumptous not cookies but fruit and cake, ay?" he nudged the bellhop with a devious grin on his face.
"Can just have my tip please?" he asked.
"Sure me boy! For really stubborn stain use Club Soda!" with that Edward slammed the door on the confused and somewhat disturbed Bellhop.
"Now," he spoke to his Fig Newtons. "It's just you and me...and Bella! Look hunny! Fig Newtons!"
As angry as I was that here Edward stood erecting and not wanting to do the sideways tango, it was hard to stay mad at him when he was being as cute as a stuffed hippo.
He ate his Newtons with the vigour which I was soon to engage myself in. A smile spread across his face each time the confectionary delight touched his lips. I felt slightly envious as he never looked at me with such love, but I stopped such thoughts from becoming unflattering. Edward would never devour me and I continuted to exist for such a wonderous reason.
Once he had finished his figs, he stood and removed his belt thus allowing his pants and long-johns and underwear to fall.
"Shall we?" he asked, his voice smouldering with love, lust and (most importantly) tumescence.