Author's Note: The first few lines of the Canterbury Tales are property of the (very) late G. Chaucer. Not us. Technically, we should be saying that the characters from Twilight are also not ours, but really? Really now people? Duh.

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CHAPTER EIGHT - "I Just Don't Know How This Threesome Happened!"

"WHAT IS THIS?" Edward bellowed pulling my naked body away from the naked body of John, a man who would be a perfect English teacher if he wasn't so dedicated to being a bellhop.

"Edward!" I gasped. Who knew he would be back so soon? I wasn't the one with the ability to read minds. "This isn't what it looks like!"

"Well it certainly isn't an anatomy lesson!"

"Well actually," John cut in. "Technically it could be."

"AND WHO A-" Edward stopped mid-sentence. His eyes locked on to John's still surprisingly erect penis. "YOU HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL PENIS!"

"Thanks! Try to get this broad to understand the greatness of it!" he gestured towards me.

"She doesn't appreciate any penises!" Edward muttered from beneath a scowl.

"Don't I know it," John agreed. "I mean, here I was, in the prime of me hour, strutting to the stage and all she wanted was the climax instead of the exposition! So much like youth in this day, to not want proper story structure. They just want the action. This is why I hate going to movies, all the kids do is talk and text and make out and it's so noisy! I hate it!"

"I agree completely," Edward replied, sitting beside John on the large, heart shaped bed, pushing me off. "Stories now are nothing compared to the works of masters past. I cannot see anything in modern times which compares to the awe inspiring power of..."

"You cannot be thinking..." John gasped.

"Oh, but I am!" Edward grinned.

"THE CANTERBURY TALES!" they both cried out in complete and pure joy.

Then, to my utter surprise and horror, they began reciting the opening prologue to the tales. In Middle-English. I sat, jaw dropped as these men recieted olde tyme poetry to each other. Oh, how I wished for Edward to write a sonnet for me, to declare prose in my honor, how I longed for him to speak roses and sunsets and sage to me on the beach, naked while lying in the sand.

Instead, I was 'blessed' with the 'wonderful' Geoffrey Chaucer's best known (and probably only) work.

" Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote

The droghte of March hath perced to the roote

And bathed every veyne in swich licour,

Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth

Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,

And smale foweles maken melodye,

That slepen al the nyght with open eye-

(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages

And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes

To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;

And specially from every shires ende

Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,

The hooly blisful martir for to seke

That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke." They recited, getting more excited with each line, until they were screaming the last line at the top of their lungs.

After, Edward walked to where he had left his Newtons to lie, perfectly contained with in the freshness re-sealable pouch.

"Newton?" he offered one of his sacred goods to John. An honor I had yet to acheive.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW THEY ARE MY FAVORITE!"

"THEY'RE NOT COOKIES! THEY'RE FRUIT AND CAKE!" The both squealed in unison before chowing down on the figs.

"But seriously," Edward's tone changed to one of seriousness. "How do you keep your penis looking that amazing? Teach me your ways, oh master!"

"Well my dear boy, I let it soak in shea butter for twenty minutes each day before I give it a light exfoliant and then finish off with my secret ingrediant."

Edward leaned in close to John to hear the key in awesome penises.

"I...use...Curel on it."

"NO WAY! I've always wanted to, but I wasn't sure how it would be on the bits."

"Just a thin layer now. Just enough to keep it smooth and gliding nicely for the ladies!"

At that I let out an audible scoff. Like Edward needed to please the ladies. He could only manage two and half thrusts.

"Well, some are unpleasable," John said to Edward, patting his shoulder consolingly. "I'm sure you did your best for her. Sometimes you just find that uncatachable fish. You've got to give yoruself credit for doing the best you could to catch it. But when it gets away with your heart, money, bank account, house, kids, dog, mom's good China, some silverwear, the comfy chair... well, you've got to know when it's time to give up."

"Yes..." said Edward, nodding solemnly. "Yes, I believe you are correct. I have tried my hardest... two and one half thrusts,"

"Not bad!" John interjected.

"I didn't think so," Edward responded. "But... women. You know? Never satisfied. They don't know the feelings of a man. I... now, I must admit, I am not lacking in the southern regions, but..." he sighed a heavy sigh. "She makes me feel so... so... Inadiquite!"

"May I?" John asked. "May I look upon your tool of the trade?"

Edward nodded, removing his pants for this stranger much faster than he ever did for me. It took me years to woo Edward to the point of no-pants. As Edward slid the unnecessary garment off his Adonis body, I let out a soft moan. No man could be as sexually pleasing to look at as my Edward. His evey muscle shone through his granite skin, rippling with his every move.

John nodded approvingly. "Not bad," he said, patting Edward like an old pal. An old pal who pats people on the penis. "Not bad at all. You just need the Curel, you'd be all set."

"You think so?" Edward asked, looking down at his limp noodle. "I feel as though it could do with more..."

"Perhaps a spray tan?"

"Would that work? Do you think?"

"The ladies love a tanned bod," John nodded. "Trust me, I know."

"I have so much to learn. Teach me all your ways!"

"I would, but I should probably get back to work! Don't wanna loose this job! Here's my cell," John pulled out a little buisness card from the jacket in which he threw over her messily clothed shoulders. "Call me if you ever need any more advice. I'm a wealth of knowledge. So knowledgeable, I can't enjoy the fact that my kids soccer team won their last game."

"NO!" Edward clung to John's knee as he tried to leave. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I NEED YOU!"

"It's okay," John padded Edwarded softly on the head. "I've taught you well enough to go out on your own. You don't need me anymore."

"NO PLEASE!" Edward cried as John shook loose from Edwards grasp and quickly flitted out the door.

"WHY?" Edward collapsed on the floor in a mass of heavy sobs. "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE?" he sobbed into the carpet. "HE KNEW ME SO WELL! HE WAS ALL I COULD EVER ASK FOR!"

"Edward," I knelt beside him and tried to wrap my arms around his quivering body.

"NO!" he bellowed before running into the bathroom. "A TOILET AND NEWTONS IS ALL THE COMFORT I WANT RIGHT NOW!"

"But Edward," I pleaed, once again, with a closed bathroom door. "I'm your wife. I'm here to help you through the tough times. No matter how strange and alarming about you sexuality they might be."

"YOU DON"T GET ME BELLA! YOU DON'T GET ME, AND YOU NEVER WILL!"

I stared at the bathroom door in complete shock. "I... don't get you?" I asked in a small voice. "I? I who raised you? I who comforted you during the Exlax? I who brought you from the vally of the shadow of death and you feared no evil for I was with you? I DON'T GET YOU!?" I turned, huffing. "WELL MISTER MIND-READER. DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE? YOU DON'T GET ME!?" I fell to the floor, huffing loudly. "WELL... FINE THEN! MAYBE I DON'T GET YOU! BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CERTAINLY DON'T GET MISTER EDWARD CULLEN!?"

"What?!" he called through the door, still obviously in tears.

"YOU DON'T GET ME!" I screamed.

"YOU JUST SAID THAT, BELLA!" he yelled back.

"SHUT UP! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T UPSET ME SO, I WOULDN'T REPEAT MYSELF STUPIDLY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EDWARD CULLEN! YOU AND YOUR STUPID ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT I HAVE BELLA?"

"WHY COULDN'T WE JUST HAVE MORE SEX? WHAT MAN DOESN'T LIKE TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE IN ONE NIGHT? CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? I KNOW YOU'RE ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND ALL, BUT THE TIMES HAVEN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH!"

With that Edward opened the door. A devious and seductive smile was spread across his face. His tears gone.

"It's more sex you want, ay?" Edward picked me up and threw me on the bed.

He climbed on top of me taking off his clothing as quickly as his mood had changed.

"I think I might be able to manage that!"