A/N: As I complicate things greatly… I know I'm doing it, but I hope it's okay.
This one is huge, I know. We're going actively towards the end, but there are a lot of things to happen. This chapter is full, I thought of making it not one chapter, but who cares, after all? Enjoy!
Chapter 10. Guided.
Mike woke up to the bright electric light. He tried to open his eyes – and shut them immediately, wincing. Endless white thickness cut his eyes, it tried fiercely to climb under his eyelids and Mike had to protect his face with his arms. He groaned.
- Davy, - he managed hoarsely, - what's going on here?
There was no answer.
- Dave! – he called. In fact, Davy could be still asleep. – Da-ave… wake u-up…
Silence. Mike reached his hand behind him, then in front of him. Emptiness. He sniffed. Protecting his eyes with both hands, he sat up and looked around through the tiniest slits between his eyelids… and dropped his hands and gasped. He examined the bed, he ran his hand across Davy's pillow – in case the little one had become invisible again. Nothing. Davy wasn't there, his side of bed was cold. Mike pressed the little one's pillow to his breast – and smelled the beloved scent.
- Mike… Mike…
The little voice called from somewhere – and Mike jerked his head. It was that voice he adored and feared the most. Davy called him. Mike looked around, almost frightened.
- Davy? Sunny, where are you?
The call repeated, so quiet – but Mike would go anywhere if the little man he promised himself to called him.
- Davy, I'm coming! – he exhaled, quickly getting up. The cold floor stung his bare feet, but Mike didn't care.
He was in a long black corridor. Their bed was at the beginning of it under the bright floodlight and the end of it was invisible somewhere far ahead. Music was playing somewhere far away – Frank Sinatra or João Gilberto, something old and familiar, but barely audible. Mike went slowly along the corridor – and stopped when a door floated out of the darkness right in front of him.
- Mike…
The call was a little bit louder. Mike stepped towards the door, unsure. The call repeated and he took the door handle confidently.
- Mike! Mike wake up!
Davy caressed Mike's pale face, calling for the hundredth time. He knew that nothing would happen. When he woke up, Mike was already lying in bed like that – fully dressed, pale and breathing once a minute. His pulse was weak, but he was alive. Davy could only wonder what had happened while he was sleeping. He tried to wake Mike up, but nothing helped. So Davy got dressed and sat up near Mike – he didn't even dare to think 'Mike's body' – to wait.
- God, what's wrong with you?
Davy leaned down to Mike and touched the pale cheek with his little nose. Then he lied down and put his head on Mike's breast. He heard his heart beat slowly and weakly.
- Don't even think of dying, you hear me? – he whispered, stroking Mike's breast softly. – I won't let you go so easily. Or I will follow you. Remember this before you try to die.
Mike took a deep breath – and a cold hand squeezed Davy's heart. He sat up again, because he knew that if he stayed like that the little beating something in his breast would break. He rubbed his eyes with his hands to calm down – and when he opened his eyes the room was dark and the transparent blue figure of a naked young man was sitting on the bed near him.
Davy moved a little backwards and found Mike's hand to squeeze it. He didn't know whom he wanted to reassure. The boy moved towards Davy at the same moment. A smile was on his face, but Davy didn't like it. The boy was beautiful - he wouldn't say 'handsome', it sounded too human for that blue transparent ghost – but his beauty was cold and dead. He reached to touch Davy's shoulder – and Davy jerked it away. The boy's hand slid through his shirt and touched his bare skin. The touch was painful and cold.
- Don't be afraid, - the young man said in a deep wonderful voice, stroking Davy's shoulder under his shirt. – I can't do anything to you unless you ask for it yourself. How are you?
- Don't touch me, - Davy managed hoarsely.
The boy smiled at him softer and moved even closer. He embraced Davy and whispered:
- Listen. I'll tell you a secret. You're alone with me. Michael's dead. Nobody will come to help you. Nobody will hug you. Nobody will give you any warmth.
- He's not dead, - Davy said fiercely, trying to push the guy away. But the disgustingly tender embrace became only tighter.
- If he's not yet, he will be soon, - he whispered as his hands ran down Davy's body.
It was creepy – the guy's hands seeping through the shirt and touching his skin. Davy tried to free himself, but the guy only smiled at him. Davy felt a cold hand on his breast, right over his heart. The boy's fingers were caressing his body, his other hand was stroking Davy's back – but it wasn't at all pleasant. Davy turned his face away as the boy moved too close.
- Who are you? – he asked quietly.
- My name is Despair, - the young man whispered in his ear. His hands became more confident stroking Davy's body and trying to get where nobody was allowed to get. – Come to my arms, David, I'll take you from here. Michael is not with you any more, and I know what you feel… but you will never look in his eyes again, you will never feel him touch you, you will never be with him… come here, in my arms you'll have everything Michael can't give you. I know how sorry you feel for yourself, how you want to be loved… Michael betrayed you… he won't love you… he'll die soon…
Davy shook his head. The boy's words enveloped him like a spider's web. For a moment he even believed him. But Davy forced himself to think of Mike. He remembered Mike's living, beating warmth – it was so much more pleasant than the ghost's cold caress! Davy's heart hit his ribs – he loved Mike, he loved him so much he would follow him – anywhere he goes. Davy put a hand in the middle of Despair's chest and looked in his eyes.
- Get off, - he said firmly. – Mike didn't betray me – and you will, as soon as you can.
- Who told you this? – Despair said with pain in his voice. – Don't hurt me. Just kiss me, David, and I'll take you where you will be praised! I'll be yours forever and I'll never leave you like Michael did. I will never hurt you like Michael did. I will love you all the time.
The words were hypnotizing. But Davy shook his head.
- No, - he said firmly. – Go away. I'll stay here with Mike. I'll never leave him, no matter what.
Despair sighed and got up, releasing Davy at last.
- You got Faith, - he said sadly. – I can do nothing here. With Faith you will never need me. You'll regret it, David, I promise you'll regret it.
- Let me regret. But I'll be with Mike.
Despair sighed.
- I can't fight your Faith, - he said. – If she's on your side, I give up. Goodbye.
- Farewell, - Davy said firmly.
And the darkness slowly lifted off the walls and the furniture, leaving just the room. Only then Davy felt his heart pound in his throat. He rushed to Mike and hugged him, held him tight and pressed close to his body.
- Mikey, Mike, - he whispered. – Don't leave me, don't. I'll be with you, but don't you leave me, please, please!
Mike took a deep breath again and Davy felt his warmth. Mike was warm, he was there, he was alive. Who knew what Davy's childhood monsters were about to do with him…
The room was dark. Mike only heard the door click close after him and then silence surrounded him. He tried to run back – but he couldn't even see himself. The darkness was thick and it covered everything.
- Davy, I love you, - the voice suddenly said. Mike started – it was so unexpected, so loud, the voice was coming from everywhere and from inside his head at once. It was a terrible feeling. And, what's more the voice was so familiar…
In fright Mike understood that it was his voice…
- You know, when I found out that love could save you, I thought a lot about what love was, - Mike's own voice went on. – And suddenly I realized that love is not when people are together. Love is when people are one. Two become one. Love is when the worst thing you fear in death is not stopping existing, but stopping being there for somebody else.
So he'd said it. He had said it once, but he couldn't say it again, right?
- You know, I don't believe in death forever, I think that something anyway will stay after I die – my soul, I think that's a right word. But as long as we breathe we're not only souls. And sometimes we need a little bodily reassurance that we exist. A touch. A look. Some motion, something to do for someone else. And that's what I found out I fear the most in death – to be lost for you.
Mike frowned. Yes, he'd said all that, but it was a moment of utter despair! Yes, of utter despair and pain, and in fact he just didn't want to lose Davy, that's all! Davy was like a brother to him, yes!
- Listen, little one, - Mike's voice said, that time a little louder, - you're more than a brother to me. I don't even know who you are, but I have something for you. I think – no, I'm sure! – that it's what's called love.
- What do you wanna show me? – Mike shouted. – You wanna now make me argue with myself?
- Davy. Baby. My little one, - his own voice answered, so tenderly and bitterly. – I'm leaving. You can catch my hand or let me go. Whatever you do – be happy. Tell Micky and Peter to be. Live on. Please. For me.
Mike listened to the echo of the words as it faded in the darkness and understanding slowly came to him. He'd said it all already. He'd admitted it. He did love. And he had been lying to himself telling himself he was not a queer, that he was not – whatever! He was such a coward…
- But I have a reason to be a coward! – Mike shouted in a desperate attempt to protect himself. – Davy doesn't love me! You hear me? He doesn't!
- You might be a lamppost that plays smart all the time, but, you know, you're the best lamppost I ever knew.
Mike covered his face with his hands.
- He said that just because he was grateful! – he tried again, even more fiercely.
- In this moment you are my warm corner. Would you mind?
The voices were playing with him. They were taunting him, like, 'You say!'
- It's not what it seems!
- It's a vow…
- It's not!
- I'm yours…
- NOT!
And the next moment something hit Mike in the chest hard, he choked with pain – and he hit the floor, and another strike hurt his heart, and another. Something was seemingly telling him: 'That's what you get if you resist! That's what you get!' and at the same time it seemed like Mike was beating himself, he was hurting his own soul.
Mike tried to protect himself – but he couldn't do anything. He gasped just once – and passed out…
A strange sound woke Davy up. He raised his head and looked around. Then quickly sat up and braced himself up, ready to fight anything that would dare to come. The darkness filled the room like a mist – transparent blackness, so terribly familiar. Davy looked around cautiously. He expected anything – but not what he saw.
A naked woman came out of the darkness. She looked young, but Davy wouldn't dare to call her a girl. She was mature, she knew a lot… and she could do a lot. Her eyes were so cold. She didn't know mercy. Shocked, Davy examined her slim body, green and transparent. But what surprised Davy the most in her nudity was that she wasn't made for a man's desire. She was solely for herself, and she was enough for herself. She stopped for a moment – and sat down at Davy's feet.
- How are you? – she asked, and her voice was the finest contralto.
Davy sniffed.
- Better than you may have thought! – he answered courageously, though his insides curled into a little ball of worry.
- I see, - she said calmly. – But worse than you are trying to persuade yourself to be.
- How'd you know? – Davy asked quite mockingly.
- You're alone with me, - she said. – And I'm not a human, so you can now consider me a hallucination.
- Great. What else?
She smiled slightly.
- You're trying so desperately to seem strong.
Davy didn't answer, he just looked her right in the eye. He waited for her next phrase. She tilted her head slightly.
- So you won't object?
- And is there any use?
She shrugged.
- I don't know. But maybe if you object you'll feel better.
- I won't lose my nerve to you, - Davy said angrily. – You're annoying, do what you want and please hurry up, will you? Bet you're something like Despair and came to seduce me. All I can say then is – get off! You won't do anything to me. I'll be with Mike.
- Do I look like someone who came to seduce you? – she asked.
- You look more as if you came to seduce yourself, - Davy snarled.
- Well, on some point you're right, - she sighed. – Despair is so unprofessional, uh! He lives on personal feelings. He likes you, you fool! No, he wants you. Don't think we're made of stone, we can feel, too. and Despair feels something towards you.
- I don't need his feelings.
- That's why he's gone. First of all, he wouldn't give you love. Love is not on our side. But sometimes passion is quite enough. Believe me, you'd never regret if you came with him. You know, Despair easily seduces the weaker ones… and not so long ago our master was pretty sure he'd seduce you easily. I wonder what made you so strong.
- Guess!
- Well, Despair said you have Faith in your army. I can see a huge army behind you, but I wonder where – and when – you got it. And I also would like to know if you have anything to fight me.
- How in the world are you connected to the wall biters?
- Why are you asking? – she squinted.
- Because it was they who locked us in here.
- But you don't think it was their initiative, do you?
- What do you mean? – Davy narrowed his eyes.
- Who are the wall biters? You saw them. They're animals. Trained animals. In fact, you know, their name is Childhood Nightmares. But the one who asked them to do what they're doing now is much mightier. Our master… - she smiled. – But now he's losing patience. You know, he sent me first of all to tell you: if you don't say what you must tonight by midnight, you'll be killed. He'll send all his army – and Childhood Nightmares are the weakest, believe me.
Davy swallowed hard.
- But if you don't want to admit your love I have another option for you.
- What is it? – Davy asked, already suspecting that it was something like Despair's proposal.
- Come with me, - she said softly. – I'll bring you to our master. He likes you. You know, he's not a demon, nothing like that. He's just our master. He has his army. And you can give up yours, I promise, and nothing will happen to you.
She smiled.
- Now you're lonely. Michael will die soon, his hours are numbered. With each little victory he adds himself a little time, but that's no use. You're lonely, David. Michael won't hug you again - and you don't want anybody other in your arms, do you? You won't be able to kiss him – I know you dream about it. He's just a body. His soul is far away and our master will take care of it. He won't let it come back, David. You'll never see your Mike again. Never ever. You can believe me.
Davy swallowed hard again, but he didn't look away.
- Tell me where Mike will be and I'll come to him, - he said quietly. – I won't come with you. But I'll come after him. I'll follow him. It's okay if I have to die… but I won't leave him.
- Are you sure? – she asked, standing up.
- Absolutely.
- You won't be able to follow him, - she said, sitting on the bed and embracing Davy's shoulders. Thank goodness she couldn't reach his bare skin, but Davy could feel how cold she was. – The place where Michael is going is for Michael only. Our master is gonna be the judge in the court where Michael's destiny will be chosen. And your place is for you only. You won't be together.
- But you said we'd have a chance to say… - Davy said, leaning back from her.
- Well, you'll surely have, - she said with a smile. – But it is useless. You won't say it anyway. Or even if you do, Michael won't.
- Why're you so sure?
She shrugged.
- I know. Master told me a lot. David, I'll give you one last chance to come with me. Just think: Michael is no longer with you. He'll never return since he will never say what he has to say. And with me you can be a servant of our master. It's wonderful, David. We have one place vacant – Hatred died in one of the fights with you and Michael. Remember when you told him he wore masks? In that fight you killed Hatred. You could take his place. It's a good place, by the way. You will never be alone…
- No, - Davy said firmly, pushing her away. – I want to be with Mike, I'm telling you. And I'll find a way to follow him. You'll see.
- Okay, - she shrugged. – You've tried to beat me with the most ridiculous warrior of yours – Attachment. And you've made it. I have to go. See you, David.
- What's your name? – Davy called as she rose. – Just so I know who's the chick that couldn't make me come with her.
She looked back at him.
- Well, you know, I have more than one thing to do for our master… but in fact… when we meet again in the places where you're gonna suffer – call me Loneliness.
And she disappeared with the darkness.
Mike opened his eyes slowly and winced. The corridor was dimly lit with a faraway spotlight over the bed he woke up in. His chest hurt. He sat up and groaned. The body was filled with pain. But he didn't allow himself to feel self-pity. He stood up and limped a few steps forward and only then noticed that the corridor changed somehow. He looked back – and saw an empty door frame. He passed through one door. But how many of them were still in front of him?
He limped forward, quietly cursing the cold floor and the painful heavy light of a spotlight behind his back, hurting body of his own and the way he had to go. Every step was hard to take. But Mike hurried himself onwards with a thought of Davy. Only that little thought kept him on feet.
He moved through the corridor – a limping ghost in a nightgown. And his head was filled with Davy. He thought of the door he had passed through. About the voices. About the words. That wasn't for nothing. Whoever was there, he wanted to tell Mike something. Wanted to remind him. But why?
As Mike limped on and on his pain slowly faded and the memories returned. He remembered all the words of the voices of his own and of Davy's. He remembered everything that was in the black room clearly and his head filled with doubts. But he didn't dare to fight them. He decided to just let the one who had decided to guide him do what he wanted to.
As he walked, thoughts filled his head and overflowed and poured down his body. Okay, he thought. He had been reminded of all that for some reason. He'd been reminded that he had already admitted his love, that he had already said what love was – and, clearly, he was meant to understand that he returned to that same old stereotype. Foolish stamp of 'movie' love. Love, as he himself explained it, was a feeling for which the whole life was too short. It was the feeling which was the meaning of life and was over life and death and everything. That was the love which never could be too true to utter, it could be only not true enough. Or it could be true and then it became a whole life to live…
Mike straightened a bit as he walked and soon he saw another door in front of him. He reached it and stopped. He leaned on it to calm down a bit. He had to prepare. He had to roll with the flow. He had to obey the one guiding him. He had to pass through that door…
Mike straightened at last, breathing evenly. Take the doorknob. Be confident. Be calm. Open the door…
Behind the door it was as dark as behind the previous one. The music was a bit louder – he could hear the voice, it must've been João Gilberto. Mike closed his eyes – and at that very moment a warm wet breath caressed his ear, his cheek, tender arms embraced him…
Mike opened his eyes suddenly – and the feeling disappeared immediately. Davy was only a hallucination, another game somebody had prepared for Mike. He closed his eyes again and waited without a move, only breathing. The arms embraced him again, stroked his back, he felt a head on his shoulder and hair near his neck and cheek. Mike tried to embrace the imagined little one – but as soon as he was about to touch his back, as soon as he prepared for that feeling – everything disappeared again.
Mike smiled. He needed to wait some more before the feeling returned. That time the little one's body was so close to Mike's own he could feel the beating warmth radiating from him – but he didn't hug Mike. The little wiry hands caressed his cheeks tenderly and then Mike felt a pressure of soft warm lips on his own…
And his heart pounded in his throat, and he pushed the invisible little one away, but there was nothing but a ghost – and he fell on the floor squeezing his temples. He could stand anything, but not that minute of heaven. That was something so intimate, deeply his, he couldn't let anyone imitate it for him.
He lay down on the floor with his eyes closed. He had to calm down. But as soon as his breath became even again he felt a kiss on the cheek – that same, which was the best thanks for his sacrifice…
Mike moaned quietly and covered his face with his hands. No, he begged in his thoughts, no, don't. It can't be true, why to hurt me? You can't get too deep in me, no, please don't. You can't touch it, it's something my personal, my own! Listen, please! I can't give that kiss to anybody!
All the pain of his was suddenly far away. Warm waves of the ocean caressed him.
'You – The Unwritten and The Undrawn. Hear me call. Hear me whisper. I know you can'…
Davy's voice turned into a quiet murmur of waves kissing the shore – and Mike's self. He was lying naked and endless listening to the warm waves feeling Davy's caress. The beloved beating warmth was so close to Mike's endless self... and he didn't want to be The Unwritten and The Undrawn. He wanted to be just Mike made of flesh and soul – to be able to caress back. He wanted to stay with Davy – at that moment he understood it perfectly.
And in that very moment everything disappeared. Mike opened his eyes – and the light of the faraway spotlight and the dark corridor was all he could see. But something warm stayed at the bottom of his heart. He started moving forward on that road. The one who guided him was satisfied and he gave Mike a little hint – that will to be with Davy. Mike sat up and sighed with a smile.
- Hold on, cowboy. I'm coming.
And he stood up confidently and went forward.
Davy wiped his wet eyes. He couldn't let himself cry because he was afraid that Despair or Loneliness could return and take him with them – or they could send somebody else. He sat curled up on the bed - a little ball of fear and pain. He was afraid to admit he would be even glad if somebody of those appeared to talk to him – they were terrible, but they were company. Davy reached carefully and slowly to touch Mike's shoulder.
- Mikey… Mike… - he called quietly. – You remember how you always came to me? And now you can't and I … I just can't live without you, Mike. I now understand it perfectly.
Mike took a breath. Davy moved closer to him.
- Listen, - he almost whispered. – I need you and you know it. But I know that there, where you are, you might need me, too. Mike, hold on there. I'll try to get to you, but I don't know how… hold on – and please, return. I'll be waiting for you. I'll always be waiting for you. You know you have me to hold on to. I will always be there…
The dark mist filled the room and Davy startled. He looked around, scared.
- Who's there?
No answer.
- Who are you?
- Hush, - the voice said right in his ear. The firm hands squeezed his shoulders – they were cold as death. Davy swallowed hard and bit his lower lip.
- Look at me, - the voice said disgustingly softly.
Davy turned slowly – and saw a young man. His eyes were large and so deep Davy quickly looked away. Their depth was empty.
- Who are you? – he asked, moving away. – I bet somebody from Loneliness and Despair's gang.
- Knock it off, - the boy said, putting an arm around Davy's shoulder. – I came because I'm worried about you. You're so scared and lonely, and desperate and all…
- No! – Davy exclaimed, trying to push the guy off. – I'm neither desperate!.. Nor Lonely!.. Hear me?
- Shhhh…
The boy pressed Davy close.
- I won't waste your time with a lot of useless talk. I don't wanna hurt you. I just wanna suggest you a fast relief. My dear David, do you know what the easiest thing to make you feel better is?
Davy shook his head, still trying to free himself from the ghost's strong arms. But he just moved his lips closer to Davy's ear and whispered:
- Forget… forget, my dear. In my arms you'll forget everything – and I promise it will bring ease… forget Michael… forget your loneliness… forget your pain… forget that Michael was in your life, come with me! What's the use of remembering someone who will never return?
Davy listened to him and felt his memories slowly fade. He shook his head fiercely.
- No, no, I don't wanna…
- David, - the voice said firmly, - listen.
- No!
- Listen to me.
- I don't wanna forget! I don't wanna come with you! Get the heck off!
The boy's fingers squeezed Davy's.
- Why would you want to feel this pain? You secretly want to come with me, but you grasp at your Hope… what for, David? It's useless! Your Hope is empty, don't believe it! Michael will never be with you. Give up your stupid Hope. Hold my hand – that's all I ask. Forget everything. Let your suffering heart calm down. I know what you want.
And for a moment Davy doubted…
He thought of the great pain in his chest. It was eating him from inside. If more than one ghost said that Mike wouldn't return – maybe it was true? Maybe he'd never see him again alive and well? Maybe Mike would never hug Davy, or laugh – Davy dreamt of how they would be happy together and how they'd laugh together and hug each other and play, and be silly – together… tears filled his eyes, he bit his lower lip. The pain bit his heart hard – and little salty drops ran down his cheeks, leaving wet trails…
- David…
Davy covered his face with his hand. He saw the boy's hand move towards it – and he didn't want anybody to touch, to replace the memories of Mike's touches…
- David, stop, - the guy said, holding him tight. – Forget, I'll relieve you.
His hand squeezed Davy's fingers. Davy moved his hand a little, ready to catch the guy's – whatever to take away the pain! – and a sudden thought flashed in his mind and stung his heart. Mike's hand. How he wanted to catch it. How Mike was ready to hold his fingers. And how he did hold them – later… he remembered Mike's soft, warm touches. And he understood immediately – he didn't want to go with the boy.
- No, - he said firmly, making his hand free. – I won't go. I'd better stay here with my pain – and with Mike. But I want you to do me a favour.
- What favour? – the guy asked. – Maybe if I do you will change your mind?
- I'm sure I won't, - Davy answered firmly. – Because I want to ask you to guide me where Mike is. I know that you know the place. Bring me there.
The guy grinned.
- I can't, - he said with a short laugh. – It's not my business to take you there. I'm Oblivion. I came to relieve you. But you wouldn't let me, so I go…
Davy caught Oblivion's wrist.
- No. You can bring me there, - he said firmly. – You can ask your so-called master.
Oblivion shook his head.
- It's not our zone. Somebody else took control of Michael. We can't get there, David.
Davy sighed and let Oblivion go. But the guy stopped before disappearing and looked back at Davy.
- You know, - he said thoughtfully and somehow sarcastically, - I'm glad that you needed two warriors of your army to fight me – Memory and Hope. I'm strong, David. Just think – you refused, and I'm so strong! David, you'd be a great warrior of ours! But you prefer another side… you prefer to command the army of the weaker ones – but how do you make them so strong all of a sudden? But it doesn't matter to me now. Goodbye, David. Mon colonel…
He grinned and winked, and he left Davy - stooped, hands dropped on his knees, holding tears of pain and love inside…
As Mike slowly went on and on through the empty corridor, the light faded. Everything was silent and his head was filled with thoughts. Why would the one guiding him encourage him? What did Mike do so right?
He recalled everything he'd thought when he felt the imitation of Davy's kisses – gorgeous imitation, but he couldn't stand it. He thought that it was so deeply his, so intimate he couldn't share it. Was it really something important?
And then the thought flashed in his mind: why would he care about these kisses?
If all he'd said about not being gay was true, he would have tried his best to forget all his feelings. He wouldn't want those kisses anyway, but the reason for it would be different. The reason would be not to remember how he enjoyed it. Only a queer would enjoy the things of such kind. He'd want to erase everything from his memory, he'd want to pretend everything was as usual.
But Mike wanted to keep the memories. No, not even that – he also wanted it to repeat again and again, not just to stay satisfied with memories, but to enjoy it again in real life…
I'm a pervert. Is it what you wanted me to admit?
Mike sighed. Nobody would answer. It was wrong even then, when he wanted just to touch Davy, when he barely dared to think he loved him. But as Mike went further, he waned more. It hurt Mike. It did hurt him.
He didn't want to do anything wrong to Davy. He didn't want to offend him anyhow. He didn't want to make him embarrassed with his feelings. He didn't wanna force him to love. Love could not be forced, as he knew.
He knew that Davy was attached to him – he really knew it and understood it perfectly. But he didn't see feelings like his in that tender attraction. He saw something almost childish. Davy behaved like a little boy, he'd been listening to his heart all the time they'd been trapped – and it was purely understandable. He was passionate, but it wasn't what it might've sounded like. It was all his hot blood, his mad head. Mike sighed. If he only could be sure of one thing! He'd admit his love a thousand times.
- I'm a pervert, - he told the air. – I'd sell half my life for his one kiss. I'd sell three quarters to spend the last quarter with him and being his.
The air didn't answer. It must've raised its eyebrows.
- I damn want him near always! – Mike informed a little louder. His voice sounded terrible and squeaky. – I lied I'm a pervert I'm a queer!
He forced the words out of himself and they formed one straight line with no pause. And further in front of him he suddenly noticed the door. He ran towards it just to see what's behind it. All in all, maybe it'd prove to him that being a queer was nice! He giggled when he thought of it. Well, but, then again, he could expect anything!
He jerked the doorknob, ran in the room – and stopped.
The man on the back row turned to him and pressed his finger to his lips.
- Shhh… the movie is going to start right now! You'd better take your seat quickly. Yours is in the middle, you'll see.
Mike wanted to politely run away, but the door behind him had already disappeared. So he had no choice but head to the seat in the middle, cursing his humble nightgown.
The other seats appeared to be quite far away from Mike's. It should've made him suspicious, but strangely it didn't. The screen in front of him was filled with letters for a moment more – and then it just blinked and Mike saw the room. In surprise he recognized their upstairs bedroom. He looked around, but all the other spectators were just watching carefully.
Black and white back appeared suddenly on the side of the screen – and in less than a second Mike saw black and white himself in a black and white room. And the worst thing was that Davy – little Davy he wanted so much, the black and white Davy, almost naked, like black and white Mike himself – was kissing him passionately, pushing him towards the bed. And he, black and white Mike, was enjoying it, he kissed back just as eagerly, caressing the smooth beautiful body.
Mike looked around in fear and all he saw was the concerned faces of the spectators who were looking only at the screen not even blinking. Nobody said a word, everybody was watching them. Mike turned his face slowly to the screen, squinting and not really wanting to watch any longer.
Black and white Mike and Davy were laughing on the bed. The Davy tickled the Mike and they were hugging and caressing each other, and then they started a pillow fight occasionally interrupted with kisses and laughter. Mike watched it almost entranced. It was so beautiful – but he didn't want all those other people to watch it so eagerly.
Black and white Mike and Davy stopped their funny fight. They tangled on the bed, kissing passionately and pressing their almost naked bodies together. Their moves slowly grew less and less innocent. Black and white Davy laughed, letting the Mike do what he was doing…
- Hey you! Could you please stop staring at least here?
All the faces turned to Mike – and they were all the same face. A hundred masks of the middle-aged man from the seat in the back. Mike gasped.
- Young man, we're watching the movie. Don't spoil the evening, please, - one of the masks said in a squeaky voice.
- Yes, - another mask added, sounding like an old woman. – Your dreams are utterly beautiful.
Everything was so puppet and harsh it made Mike wanna scream. He glanced at the screen – and covered his face with his hand. The Mike and the Davy were both naked already, their bodies were tangled beautifully on the white sheet…
But he couldn't run away as they were his own dreams – or dreams he dreamt to dream. He wouldn't dare to look at them closely ever before. He squeezed his temples with his hands, but it didn't help. Through the tears in his eyes, through all the shame and fear he saw it anyway – his most disgraceful dreams, his most gorgeous dreams… he watched the two sweat sweating himself, he bit his lips fiercely and licked the blood off.
The Mike and the Davy were completely satisfied at last. Real Mike was shaking, he felt as if that was he himself making love in front of those people, he cried and he covered his face with his hands, but he couldn't help but see. The Davy made himself comfortable with his head on the Mike's chest and whispered:
- I love you…
The Mike kissed him on the top of his black and white head and smiled. They closed their eyes, stroking each other lovingly. The letters crawled from somewhere under the screen and moved on across it. They didn't make any sense, they were just the alphabet.
The men with masks rose and applauded. And Mike curled up on his seat, burying his nose between his knees. He didn't know what to do, he couldn't deny they were his dreams because they were – though he killed them always in the beginning, he didn't let them show even inside his head. He didn't dare to watch them from the beginning to the end, but then he did and they looked gorgeous. But it felt so wrong, so wrong…
The 'cinema' slowly emptied. And then the black and white screen appeared again on the inner side of Mike's eyelids. He didn't even try to fight. He saw the Mike and the Davy kissing again – and then their main moment – and then he saw them sleeping. And it was so beautiful…
- May it be my secret, - Mike whispered. – Or may it be our secret, if you let me… but not their movie… no…
Davy rose and headed slowly to the window. He limped because his leg was numb, but he didn't care. He stopped at the window and pressed his forehead to the cold glass – and looked outside, not looking at anything particularly. There was the beach, and the sun, and the warm waves caressing the shore, he knew. Davy looked outside their cage at the peaceful world outside, at freedom, so close – and so far, and so usual, and so desired – to the pain in chest…
There were some people playing in the waves and children running across the beach under the sun. Davy remembered Mike pressing his forehead to the glass right in the same way, crying. It was when he, Davy, had tried to play cold and careless. How he regretted that now! He'd be glad if Mike was there, even if he was to pretend to be cold and selfish arse and just to annoy. He only wanted to see Mike alive and well. He wanted to look into his eyes. He wanted to say 'forgive me'. He wanted to press him close and feel him hug back. He wanted to kiss him – he did! And he wanted to say 'I love you'. He didn't expect to hear the same back. He just wanted to tell Mike. He wanted to be true to Mike. He wanted to reveal all his secrets, all the most intimate parts of his soul – of his everything – he wanted to show them only to Mike…
- Peaceful view, isn't it?
Davy turned his head immediately to the voice. The naked young girl stood near the window right beside him looking at the world outside. She didn't remind him of Loneliness even a little bit – she was completely different. She looked like a teenager while Loneliness had looked like a mature woman, her hair was curly, her nose was upturned in the most stubborn, naughty and childish way. And what's more, her slim naked body had a little reddish glow.
His first urge was to ask 'who the hell are you?', but Davy knew she wouldn't answer. He just moved a little further from her and sniffed nervously.
- No worries, - she threw over her beautiful shoulder. – No stuff folks suggested before. I'm here just to have some fun, would you mind?
- N… no, - Davy managed hoarsely.
She turned quickly to him and looked at him quite playfully. She examined his whole body with one careful glance.
- Why so stooped?
Davy looked at her, annoyed, and chose not to answer. He went quickly to the bed and took his place near Mike in that transparent darkness. She followed him and sat down beside him again. Swung her beautiful legs.
- Still can't calm down about all this?
Davy remained silent. Something like understanding was in her voice, but nothing like kindness or sympathy. She pushed him playfully.
- Oh come on! Knock it off, bore! You can't sit here forever and damn stare at one spot! People die, man! It happens!
- He's. Not. Dead, - Davy almost roared, still trying desperately to hold his anger.
- Oh my, - she laughed. – Your Hope may sit down, she's already done her job! I'm not here to persuade you. That was left to Despair – and, as I see, he wasn't successful. You know, I came to relieve you.
- They all damn well came to relieve me, - Davy said angrily. – And as you see none were successful
- I see, - she answered simply, playing with her hair.
- Because I don't want such 'relief'! – Davy exclaimed, leaning forward. – I hate you all, and don't think you'll ever persuade me to leave Mike!
- I'm not here to persuade you to leave, - she remarked with a soft smile. – Neither to forget – it was Oblivion's job. I'm here to suggest you not caring. Life is easier when you don't care, you know.
Davy looked at her strangely.
- You crazy?
- Perhaps, - she smiled. – But you'll see it's a huge relief in fact. Just follow me, I'll show you the path to my colourful world. You know, I have my own world. I built it. It's little, but you can have as much fun as you wish. Hey, by the way, I can show you its corner!
She snapped her fingers, raising her slender arm and looking around.
- Hey, Childhood Nightmares! Music, would you?
The scratching sound came out of the walls and, to his surprise, Davy heard one of the Monkees tunes! It was so harsh – he heard his own voice on the lead vocals, and it felt wrong.
- Good thing they chose! – the girl remarked. – Love it. Come on, have a look!
And she made a strange motion with her hands – and suddenly Davy saw a door made of darkness slowly opening towards them.
- Look, - she whispered, catching his arm and pressing close to him.
And Davy looked.
He didn't quite understand at first what it was because he suddenly felt the warmth of the sun and a soft wind on his skin instead of cold darkness. Everything around was fresh and full of light and spring and warmth and sun and, and, and… and happiness. Davy found himself lying in the grass, and it was probably about up to his waist if he stood up, but he didn't wanna stand up. He looked in the sky's eyes, so blue, and felt relieved… but relieved from what? Ah, he didn't even remember, and he didn't really want to remember it. Everything behind seemed so cold and dark. And the world around him at that moment was young and lovely…
- Do you like my world? – a soft purring voice asked from somewhere far away.
- I adore it, - Davy said quietly.
- Stand up, look around – you'll like it even better.
And he sat up – and he knew he was invisible in all that long grass, and laughed like a child. How he loved that world already! He stood up and looked around. The world was little – but endless, like a heart… like whose heart? He suddenly remembered the name – and forgot it immediately. It was from that darkness behind him, but there was something in that name… something… Davy listened to the heart of his own – and he felt something like emptiness. A little empty corner that needed to be filled. A puzzle of his heart wasn't complete without that name and something that went with it…
Davy looked around. The 'little' world was suddenly spread everywhere, in all directions, in its beauty, it was absolutely divine… but he suddenly felt it lacked something important. But what was it? He couldn't understand. The scent was wonderful – but he missed another one, which wasn't like that one a little bit…
He walked slowly towards the river he saw far away. His smile faded, he was deep in thought trying to remember… and the more he tried, the more beautiful the world seemed – it was some kind of trying to make Davy think about itself only…
The water of the river was cool and fresh and so clean he could see every little stone on its bottom – and it was deep. Davy washed his face and felt much better. All in all, why think of something that brought him only a heavy rock on the shoulders and a lump in the throat with utter, desperate ennui?
A little voice seemed to call from the river: 'Drink my water and you'll be happy… nothing will ever make you sad, nothing will ever bother you…' He scooped up handfuls of water and watched it drop back to the river. It was beautiful, it was like a liquid life… Davy slowly brought the water to his lips and drank.
It was a gorgeous feeling. Something filled his body with endless youth and freshness. Somebody or something invisible caressed his face and head – and Davy would be glad to spend his life feeling that caress. He drank from his hands a few more times, enjoying with his eyes closed, and the more he drank the thirstier he became for it. Then he just lay on his stomach near the river and took a mouth full of the liquid life, carelessly and happily…
Davy almost swallowed something that he suddenly felt moving fast towards his throat – but he stopped just in time. He spat the water out and took the little thing out of his mouth and washed it in the river water. Strangely, in the water looking like a liquid life the little light thing seemed so heavy, it pulled Davy down, down to the bottom as something like ennui knocked at his heart – he didn't remember if he had felt it any time before…
He managed to calm down and take the thing out of the river. He unclenched the fist it was in and looked at the little thing on his palm. It was a little locket on a long chain. Davy opened it – it made a slight click – and looked at the tiny picture. Strangely, it wasn't damaged by water. It was a picture of himself…
Davy looked at the picture, amazed. He touched it with his fingers – and felt a smooth surface of the photo. The face was smiling genuinely, but Davy didn't remember that photo. Who had taken it? But then his glance fell on the other side of the locket – and he frowned. The face there was so familiar… it was smiling slightly to him, it was so adorable, though it was the face of a man… barely understanding what he was doing, Davy closed his eyes, leaned his head slowly to the locket and kissed it.
And suddenly a painful thought flashed in his mind, and another, and another! They threw him back on the ground and squeezed his body with scary agony, they overfilled his head that once was empty. But now he remembered. First came the name – Mike, Michael, Mikey. Then it matched with the face – and Davy remembered the body.
The scent.
The feeling.
All the words, everything that had happened.
Every hold, every touch, every kiss.
Everything came back. He writhed in agony and groaned, squeezing the locket in his hand. The pain came from it, ran through his arm and filled the body, but Davy wouldn't throw the locket away. He understood himself through the pain, and the only thing he wanted was to come back – to the darkness, to the cold, to Mike!
The agony suddenly ended – and Davy jumped on his feet and ran to the little black rectangle of the door he still could see far far away from him. The grass was trying to catch him, he fell and got up, and fell again, but he didn't stop his desperate run, full of fear. The only thing he wanted was to be with Mike. Not stopping running, he quickly fastened the chain around his neck and hid the locket under his shirt. The next moment the grass caught his legs and he fell and stayed on the ground, fighting desperately, but not able to do anything.
Mike was walking slowly through the corridor, looking down, with a heavy stone beating in his breast. All his thoughts were about the 'movie' made of his dreams, taken from his head and filmed and shown in front of his eyes. He thought of how he wanted to be with Davy – but how in fact intimate it all was… if he didn't care or it was just friendship it wouldn't be so intimate, surely wouldn't be. Though he surely knew what that big shameful feeling beating under his ribs was. But he wouldn't dare to call its name. Even to Davy.
He didn't notice the door until he touched it with his forehead and had to stop. He opened it without thinking and walked in, closing it behind him. And then he just slowly sat down on the floor and closed his eyes, waiting for anything to happen. He was sitting like that for quite a while and he finally stopped even waiting – he just sat alone with his shame and his passion and his love…
- Young man?
Mike raised his head. The voice was so deep and kind, it was the voice of a man, of a man so kind, of a man who was like an angel…
- What? – he asked.
- You came here to have a little talk with me, - the voice said softly. – Please tell me your name.
- Michael, - Mike replied, burying his nose between his knees again.
- Where are you from, Michael?
- Texas.
- And who are you?
- A failure, - Mike answered lazily.
- Why so?
- If you are talking to me now, I guess you have to know already, - Mike answered sarcastically.
- I don't, - the voice answered with a sigh. – I'm just sent to talk to you and to help you. But I can't read your thoughts. You have to tell me them yourself. Why are you a failure?
- Because I'm a musician and nobody likes my music, because I'm a man and nobody loves me and because I have the feeling and I'm afraid of it.
- Mmm, - the voice drawled, understanding. – I wouldn't be so sure, you know. I was about to have an official talk with you, so let's start, but then I want to say a few words to you personally. Okay?
- I don't care, - Mike replied exhaustedly. – Do what you must.
- So, Michael, please answer honestly and don't hide anything. We need honesty to know how to help you. It's as if we're the doctors and you're sick.
- I am, - Mike answered with a smile. – Glad you understand.
- Let's just see, - the voice said calmly. – So, Michael, tell us, what've you been feeling? From the start.
- Oh…
- I know it's difficult. But you have to. We both – me and you – have to understand what's wrong and what you need.
- I… - Mike started, then made a long pause. The voice waited patiently. – I… first… I just… liked him…
- Him?
Mike sniffed confusedly.
- You see…
- I see. You have feelings to a man.
- Well, what a man… a boy, I'd say, - Mike managed quietly. – He's, like… three years younger than me, and… much more genuine, much more childlike in a way… he's a little man. I… liked him from the start, but then… you know… something happened and I didn't know what, and I was ready to kill him. But then I found out what it was – that it wasn't his fault, and I had to die to save him… and I had to want to die. And he guessed something and he tried to kill himself… I think that's when I knew how much I needed him and how much I was afraid of losing him. And I decided to die… and I did… but he cried and he resurrected me… and… I guess the opera started then. I don't know, but we became much closer to one another after the monster in his body killed me and that little lovely creature that he truly is brought me back to life. And then…
- I know what happened then, - the voice interrupted, still sounding kind. – Don't worry. I see. And what are you feeling now?
- Shame, - Mike answered, rubbing his right palm with his left thumb fiercely. – And… I don't know what. Tenderness. I adore him, just adore. And I want to protect him. And I want to be with him. I want him to be happy. I something like care…
- I see, - the voice said softly. – And I also see how difficult it is for you to find the words. Can you name your feelings in one word?
- I can, but I won't.
- Why?
- Because I won't. I can't say it to anybody except him. And I don't even know if I'll ever say it to him.
- Okay, - the voice said. - I understand. Will you please describe him?
- He's… beautiful, - Mike said quietly. – I don't know, handsome too, but he's beautiful… I mean, I surely know he's got a pretty face, eyes of the colour of wild honey, or amber, I don't know how to say it better. They're so deep and so beautiful, and so alive… and his eyebrows, well, they're almost one, - he smiled, remembering Davy's eyebrows. – And his little nose – maybe that's why he's so childlike… and his lips – he's got great lips, so full and soft and charming…
- Soft?
- Yes, - Mike answered, not caring what he was saying. – Soft and warm. When he kissed me it was like heaven. But I don't think he'll feel the same towards me. He is much more emotional… and the kiss was just brought by despair.
- Keep describing him, - the voice encouraged.
- He's got chocolate hair, - Mike said dreamily. – It's soft and it smells like he does. His scent is amazing. You can't talk about it, you can just feel it… and he has a fresh smooth golden body… and little strong wiry hands… and he's warm… and beating. He's made of life and love. He's a little warrior, a little fighter. And I can't live without him because I'm his. I'm a part of him…
- What do you most desire to do now?
- To come to him and hug him and tell him how I love him, - Mike said, his eyes closed, smiling bitterly and happily at once. – I want to kiss him and I want to be his forever, and I want him to know it.
- What do you think separates you?
- I don't want it to become others' movie, - Mike replied. – I don't want people to talk and I don't want Davy to think badly of me. I don't want to be a queer.
The voice sighed.
- You know, Michael, - it said, - I wanted to talk to you and maybe relieve you somehow… but I see that we've got nothing to talk about. You'll see soon. You'll see everything yourself – and I pray for you to understand it. I have only one bit of advice. Open your mind and break your corny self. Get out of your black box.
And Mike opened his eyes in the corridor with another broken door frame behind his back.
Two strong hands grabbed Davy's shoulders and painfully ripped him out of the world he was in, then he was thrown on the floor and somebody started beating him cruelly. It took Davy a few seconds to pull himself together and fight back. He was brave and soon he managed to get up and see his enemy.
The guy was naked and his muscular body was shining grey with blue shade. Something so evil was in his black eyes that Davy decided not to look at them. He clenched his fists and attacked the guy, trying his best not to get hit.
- Give… up… - the guy roared, panting heavily. – You can't… fight… me, you… idiot…
- I'd love to know… eh… why! – Davy answered, squinting and almost gracefully avoiding being hit.
- Because… you… don't have anything against me! – he exhaled. - You won't… ever… be able… to win!
- Very… impressive! – Davy said with a grin. – How will… you explain… what you're… now claiming? H-ha!
He almost hit the guy in the eye, but missed. With the next hit the boy knocked him off his feet and sat on him – but Davy caught his hands and squeezed his wrists.
- I'm… the one you don't have a warrior to fight! – the guy exhaled, frowning with effort, still not able to free his wrists.
- Prove it! – Davy said with the same grin – and regretted it immediately. The guy jumped on his feet and hit Davy between the legs…
When the pain subsided, the ghost was sitting on Davy, not giving him a chance to move – or fight.
- I'm Fear, - the guy said with a smirk. – And there is nothing more to prove. You're scared. You're permanently scared. You're paralyzed. You're afraid of Michael's death – and you're afraid of what will happen if he wakes up. You're afraid of us – of me, of Carelessness – and you're afraid of staying alone. You're afraid for your skin, my dearest David, - as he said it, he leaned closer and closer and the last words he whispered right in Davy's ear.
- No, - Davy said, putting all his courage in the words.
- No? And remember with what feeling you were running from my peaceful fields? – Davy heard the voice of curly Carelessness.
- Whatever it was, I'm not afraid for my own skin, if you wanna know, - Davy said, trying to sound mocking. – If it was true, do you think I'd fight you, dearest Fear? No! I'm afraid for Mike, if you wish to call it this way, though I call it another way.
- And what do you call it, coward? – Fear asked with a grin.
- I love him! – Davy threw in his face.
And something strange happened to Fear suddenly. He winced and released Davy quickly, he took a step back, and another step – and then he just caught Carelessness' hand.
- Hey, - he said to her in fright, - is that true?
- I don't know, - she answered, backing and squeezing his hand. – But if it is, I'd better run away now.
Davy stood up and looked at them confidently.
- So you wanted to go somewhere, - he said. – So would you, maybe? And tell me, by the way, where is Mike? I know that you know where he is and what's happening to him.
- We don't know, - Carelessness muttered, taking another step back. – We tried to reach him, but we can't. Our enemy is controlling him. And you seem to have her in your army. Don't touch us! Just let us go!
- Clear out! – Davy said imperatively – and the next moment the dark mist disappeared, as well as Carelessness and Fear. Davy stood for a second more, then suddenly gasped and fell on his knees. He was incredibly exhausted and the pain in his chest grew even stronger…
As Mike reached another door, he had completely straightened, he almost ran through the corridor. The words the voice said made him hurry. All he wanted was to 'know himself', as the voice said. And he wondered why there was nothing to talk to him about.
That door was huge and metal – and it didn't have a handle. Mike examined it curiously and when he didn't find anything to open it, he knocked. The doors moved and finally opened a wide gap, then creaked and stopped. Mike smiled and went in – and he saw another door, that time it was a usual wooden door of the kind he found in the corridor. Mike opened it – and gasped and took a step back. The door was set in a wall and the stormy sea was hitting it with its waves, almost reaching Mike's feet…