Chapter ten: "Tonight we dine in hell. Tomorrow... I'm thinkin' Arbys."
Edward marched in circles in the small kitchenette of our hotel room, searching for ingreedients.
"Are you sure this is going to cure whatever you think is wrong with me, honey?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It's like the hiccups, Bella," Edward said distractedly. "You just have to show it who's boss. And in this house I'm the man. So therefore I am the boss and you will do everything I say."
"I don't think that's what we decided on when we married..."
"SHUT UP WOMAN AND GET IN THE KITCHEN!" Edward roared. "YOU WILL BAKE ME BREAD AND YOU WILL ENJOY DOING IT."
"I don't think so," I crossed my arms over my chest indignantly.
"Okay. Fine! How about this?" Edward's shoulders slumped as be began to bring up his new plan. "We bake together! You do all the grunt work and I'll be the manager! I'll tell you what to do, and critize you when you do it wrong, which will be always."
"EDWARD!" my mouth stood open aghast. If Edward's penis was near my mouth, and the vigra didn't wear off, he would have prime realestate for a blow job. "I know you were brought up in the early 1900's, but women have rights now! We are equals in this relationship! Now I'm leaving to go buy more Tampons since you threw my last couple on some nuns!" I huffed, getting my clothing back on to travel to the small convinence store in the lobby.
"WAIT! Honey!" Edward's lower lip began to quiver. "I...I..." he broken into a full on sob. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO YOU LIKE THAT! I... I LOVE BAKING BUT I HAD TO STICK TO THE STATUS QUO!"
"No... no... No...! NO!" I yelled, shocked. "Why have you never told me!"
"I... I couldn't..." Edward said. "I wanted to be cool so I had to follow that one simple rule, Bella! Can you ever forgive me for such scandal? Such lies?"
"Not another peep!" I ran to Edward, kissing him passionately, dreaming of all the delicious sweets my un-eating husband would eventually cook up for me. "I really do have to go get more tampons though."
He nodded in acceptance, turning once again to the kitchenette. "I don't even know where to begin..." he muttered to himself. "I don't think I can do this alone... I need the aid of a master. Of a god among men..."
"Yes. You pray, Edward. I'll return to you very soon," I said as I slipped out the door.
EDWARD'S POV.
I watched my dear sweet Bella slink out the door. Her perfect body shaping the bits of oxygen and other atmospheric elements that made up the world around her. I needed help. I had displeased my dear Bella so many times over the past two days. I did only what man in my situation could do. I picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hello?" a familiar and heavenly voice answered after a few rings.
"John? It's me Edward. I need your help!"
"Well! I couldn't be more delighted! I'll be right on over. By the way,...do you have a computer in your room?"
"Yes!" I replied without histation.
"Internet connection?"
"YES!" I sung like an operatic star.
"I'll be over in two shakes of a lambs leg then!" with that John hung up the phone, and I sat in giddily awaiting his arrival.
Long seconds passed before the knock at my door from the blessing from the heavens. John stood like a beacon of light in the darkness that was not only the hallway, but my life.
"Eddy," he smiled, clasping me close to his breast. "I can see you've had some trying times. Why don't we sit and break bread together to discuss them?"
"That's the problem!" I heaved. "I cannot bake bread to break!"
"...Why did you need to in teh first place? Were you trying to scare out a yeast infection?"
"It's true," I sighed. "My beloved Bella is tainted in ways I cannot even describe to you properly. I wish I could show and not tell like a proper literary scholar, but it would be too much for even the bravest of souls to handle."
"I understand," John Guevremont said with a knowing nod. "Then let the monster rise. This bread needs to be made on the double. And while the dough rises, I have an idea for you, my lad. You need teaching and I... well, I don't want to brag, but if I weren't a highschool English teacher, I'd have my own school."
"I thought you were a bellhop..." I said.
"...BY THE WAY!" John threw his hands back. "Did I ever tell you about the time I figured out how to create the perfect murder?"
"You did not!" I replied, surprised and amazed at his amazing abilities.
"I'll do that later. First, we must bake," John said, whipping out a package of yeast from the band of his bellhop hat. "Let's cut this turd loose."
We baked. We laughed. John told me all his wonderful theories and stories. Such a well educated man like him is only something I could've hoped to be at some point in my very long and immortal life.
"Okay!" John wiped the water from his hands. "Now it's time for the Education of Hymin Kapel!"
"My name is Edward," I narrowed my eyes in confusion.
"Whatever. Fetch me your computer my dear boy."
I quickly trotted to my suitcase where my dormint computer lied.
"Now my boy," he patted me on the head as he called the internet to the desktop. "You will learned like all the greats, except me, it came to me naturally of course, have learned in the past." he typed in the search bar the url GIRLS DANCEING ON
The screen alit with lights, dancing, singing and the glow of musicals. I was briefly reminded of the scene from HAIR where everyone is running around naked as a newborn child, singing. I had never seen such erotic images and here was a whole website dedicated to the act of sex.
The men and women were doing things I had never in my wildest dreams dreamed of doing even in the wildest dreams where I was not dreaming of doing the things that I could not dream of in my wildest dreams.
And all while keeping perfect harmony and time!
John Guevremont was right. There was so much I had to learn and so little time to learn it in!
"Take it all in," he said, nodding meaningfully at the screen. "It only lasts for a few minutes before it asks for your credit card number. You can keep the magic going but it's a pretty big fee... Worth it though."
"I can see why you've brought me here," I replied. "You are so kind to me, John..." I stared deeply into his eyes, the pools of blue reflecting my loving gaze. I wished deeply to embrase this man, to hold him in my arms as I had held no other. He was like a brother to me. A brother who was not a vampire. I imagined he would be warm and soft like a baby's bottom.
"I must leave you now my son!" John stood up before I could even motion towards the loving embrace I wanted from him so badly. "There are others who need my help. My tenth graders need me to say 'that's what it is' for them. The little buggers, they can't get throughout the day with a dose of their favorite teacher." he gave me a comforting pat on my shoulder before he advised. "Remember. Once the dough has risen bake it at three fity for thirty minutes. Let it cool, and then serve. Also, I am always a simple phone call away if you need me. Never hesitate. I'm a giver."
Before I could even respond with my graditude, he was gone, almost like he had vanished. I turned back the computer and gazed intently at the gyrating and thursting that went in time to the beat. I was going to learn this sexual divinity. I was going to learn it all for love. All for the love of my darling yeast ridden Bella.