Chapter eleven: Every thing you're lookin' for.

BELLA'S POV

I was walking back from the in-hotel connivence center, tampons in hand. I was a bit miffed about having to pay for over priced generic items, but in times of trial, one must do what one must. I suppose my thoughts should have been filled with Edward, but I was not particularly happy with him at the moment. Had he not attacked those poor nuns, I would not be down six dollars and eighteen cents. He had better be preparing something special for me in the room to apologize for such grave wrongs.

I got to the door of our beloved Honey Moon suite, heaved a large sigh, and slowly slide the door open.

Upon entering I didn't smell anything delightful cooking. I only saw Edward hunched over his laptop, it aglow with naked men and women in a...chorus line.

"WHAT ARE YOU-" I stopped short in my berating of Edward once I had sidled up to his side. He was hunched over this weird Broadway Porn with a notebook and pen in hand. He was taking notes.

"Hi hunny!" Edward turned jovially in notice of my return. "Now I've been taking some notes. Most of this stuff looks like it could only be done by trained professionals, but there are some moves I think we could try right now. And who knows? Maybe one day we can complete the entire chorus of Sweenie Todd. Now I just need to find out where I can get the Official Broadway Soundtrack of Cats..."

"Edward..." I started, giving myself a moment to think. "What... is this?"

"This, Bella my sweet, is the key to multiple orgasms in a night. The key to making you feel like an absolute woman. The key to sex!" he replied, nearly jumping in joy.

"No. No, Edward... this is porn. Bad porn. Musical based bad porn."

"Well if you knew why did you ask?" he replied huffily. "It's a good thing you did though. Because you were wrong, Bella. John showed this to me. And has that man ever been wrong in his life? No. No he hasn't," he answered before I could object.

I sighed, looking once again at the screen. "How long have you been watching this?" I asked. "Usually these websites cost money after a little while..."

"Oh, not too long. Our bill is only several hundred dollars but it's totally worth it! I've already learned so much for you, my love!"

"Several... hundred... dollars?!" I replied.

"But it's worth it Bella!" Edward motioned to the screen, but noticing that I still looked unconvinced took another angle. "You might think it's not worth it, but you'll definitely be singing a different tune..HA! GET IT! DIFferent tune?" he nudged me in the ribs making sure I under stood he understood his lame joke. "...because we're talking about...ANYWAY! You'll definitely think differently later tonight! Here, let me give you a little preview!"

Before I could even object, Edward stripped down to his skivvies(not that I was complaining about that), and began showing me what he learned. He launched into an elaborate naked dance that involved several jazz squares, the can can, and ended with him thrusting in time to some show tune that he had memorized.

I had to admit, I was impressed. Watching Edward's little (well... not so little) chorus line swinging in time was quite a sight. I only hoped that soon it'd be entering into my off Broadway theater.

"Don't get too excited, Bella," Edward warned. "We still have to take care of your very large problem. Don't think I forgot. I have the mind of an elephant." He tapped his head. "Elephant," he stated again for emphasis.

All of a sudden, before I could protest, a loud beeping sound erupted into the atmosphere.

"OH NO!" Edward screamed! "I had complete forgotten about the bread until just now! I was totally wrapped up in The Best of Budding Broadway Bods!"

"I thought you had a mind of an elephant!" I screamed over the beeping smoke detector as I ran to the oven a flame with some over cooked bread.

"Bella! Now is not the time to dwell on what might or might not have been said! Now is the time for action!" Edward took one of his mighty perfectly sculpted elbows and slammed it into the glass container that held a fire extinguisher.

"EDWARD!" I chided as I fanned some smoke away from the oven to re-inspect the oven. "YOU SET THE OVEN AT 700 DEGREES?"

"Yeah! Of course. If it takes thirty minutes to bake bread at 350 then it must only take fifteen minutes if you cook it at double that!" A large smile spread across his face as he revealed his apparent genius.

"No Edward," I whined. "It doesn't work that way."

"Oh...OH! Silly me! Next time guess! Now step back my little morsel!" He pushed me back from the oven a blazed. "It's time for me to save you!"

"No! No Edward, we have to escape from here and call the fire department! We have to get out! We have to--"

"COME ON DOWN!" a voice sang from the front lawn.

I glanced out the window and there, amidst the smoke, stood the one man that could help us in this situation.

Ernie Bach Junior.

"Edward!" I shouted, grabbing his arm. "Edward! We have to go now!" Pulling him along was like pulling along a granite countertop to a new kitchen. His distraction with everything in the hallways didn't help things, either.

"Bella! Look! This door looks like a newton!" he said excitedly, pausing to examine it as the smoke began filling the hallway. "How fantastic! Can we get Newton doors?"

"Not now, Edward!" I hissed.

"But what if the place burns down? Shouldn't we get the name of the manufacturer now? We might spend forever looking for them!"

"EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! COME ON DOWN!" the voice of Ernie sang from the outdoors.

"Oh! Well then. Never mind!" Edward said jovially. "If there's everything we're looking for, then they're certain to have the doors! This is fantastic!" With that, he skipped down the hallway to the stairs.

We filed out of the hotel with the rest of the Elvis lovers. Some people we sobbing as one of Elvis's lovely red rooms of Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love poured smoke out the windows.

"Hello my good sir!" Edward approached Ernie. "Did I hear speak of you having everything I'm looking for?"

"Why of course my lad!" Ernie flashed a smile only a man in the car sales business could muster. "Let me just finish up with this pesky business and we can talk!"

"Come here Edward," I carefully led him away from the firemen. "Let the poor man do his job."

"Did you hear what he said Bella?" Edward bounced with excitement. "Those Newton doors could become a reality. In our house! Today!"

I wished Edward would get as excited over me as did over anything that remotely resembled a Fig Newton, but I pushed the thought out of my head. He didn't marry a Fig Newton. He married me.

"I LOVE FIG NEWTONS SO MUCH!" Edward screamed shaking me jovially.

Maybe it was because of my brain crashing against my skull, or maybe it was a moment of divine revelation, but I had thought of a wonderful idea.

"You say this Erine Boch Jr. character has everything we're looking for ay?"

"Of course! He sung it! People never lie in songs Bella. NEVER!"