Chapter twelve: Nee-glee-geee
It is not often that I get ideas which I would consider to be brilliant or magical. I am plain and boring and I don't know how a perfect vampire could ever love me so much because I'm dumb and self-loathing.
It was in this moment when I realized what Edward sees in me.
I rushed up to Ernie Bach Junior, pulling out my wallet. "Good sir," I said using my best seductive voice. "I have a favour to ask of you..."
"COME ON DOWN!" Ernie replied, grinning brightly. "We've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"
"Yes. I know," I said, nodding knowingly. "This is why I need your help. You see..." I paused, moving closer to him as to better whisper in his ear. "I need to rekindle the spark in the bedroom." I wrapped my arms around his strong, car selling neck. "Think you can help?"
"Certainly!" He replied with zest. "We've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"
"Well this is a really odd request."
"Don't worry!" he bent his knees and gave the air a side punch of enthusiasm. "WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"
"Okay..." I looked around before leaning in even closer to Ernie. "Do you have...a neglege made of Fig Newtons?"
"Well..hmmm...COME ON DOWN!" Ernie motioned over to his fire truck. "I think we have one left in stock!"
I followed Ernie to the inners of his truck. Inside if was adorned with would be a prostitute's heaven. Stocked along the inner walls of the truck was every kind of sex toy imaginable.
"Yep! See, right here!" he held the glorious piece of lingere. "This looks to be about your size
It was a neglige made by the Roman, Greek, Egyptians, and all the other Gods in the universe. A bra made of Fig Newtons with a lace cut out of Fig Newton wrappers as a train. There was also a set of Fig Newton panties. It was completely magical. More magical than Moses when he was sent to free the Hebrews from Egypt.
"Now remember," Ernie Boch Jr. carefully began to wrap the delicate heaven sent underwear in a box. "it's edible so be wary of crumbling as you put it on."
"I understand," I nodded. "Ernie Bach Junior... how can I ever thank you?"
"No need, my dear," he smiled, patting my head as he charged my credit card for the newtonly undies. "We have EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! WE BUY FOR LESS SO WE CAN SELL FOR LESS!" he handed my receipt and my credit card.
I glanced down at the bill. One had to wonder how much they bought it for if they were selling for 'less.' It was a good thing that Edward's sister, Alice, could predict winning lottery numbers. I glanced back at Edward in his skivvies then returned to the bill. It would be worth every penny that I was paying.
"HEY Ernie!" Edward ran over to us before I could grab him and drag him back to replacement room to model my new clothing item. "Would you happen to have something that I desperately need?"
"Most definitely my boy! WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!"
"Perfect!" Edward jumped up and clicked his heels as he exclaimed this. "Then you must have those most desirable Fig Newton doors that some of these rooms are graced to have."
"Fig Newton doors?" Ernie Bach's Jr. changed from constant salesman delight to one of confusion.
"Yes! Fig Newton doors!"
"Sorry, my son! We don't carry those!"
"WHAT?" it took only nanoseconds for the tear to pour from Edward's beautiful winning trophy colored eyes. "But you sang you have everything I'm looking for?"
"Well I meant in the sexual toys department..."
"YOU LIED IN A SONG!!!" Edward fell to his knees sobbing for what felt like the umpteenth time.
I felt dreaded that I couldn't make my dear sweet pumpkin pie feel good on our vacation of bliss together. What I wouldn't give for that stone cold god of a man to be happy all the time. He was just to caring and gullible. Too faithful of the human race.
I ushered him away like one would usher away a bereaving widow from her dead husband's grave.
"YOU LIED IN A SONG!" Edward screamed as I soothingly lead him towards the hotel. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE IN A SONG! YOU LIED! MAY GOD RAIN PILLARS OF FLEAS AND ICE UPON YOUR TRUCK OF INDECENCIES!! FLEAS!"
"Edward, honey..." I soothed. "It's alright. Bella will make it all better for you. Let momma give you some sugar to help the medicine go down."
"Why would Esme feed me sugar?" Edward asked in confusion, pausing in his weeping to glance at me. "Why would I need medicine in the first place? Have you ever heard of a sick vampire? Why do you think Carlisle has to treat all those humans, Bella. He wouldn't make any money to support this family if he just worked with vampires. God Bella. Why are you so dumb?"
"Excuse me?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
"Have you never noticed it?" he said. "I mean... really. Dumb. You don't even grasp the glory and godlyness that is Fig Newtons. I bet you think John Guevremont is just a mere English teacher and not a god among men."
"...Edward..." I was hurt. He was right, of course. I was but a mere human and he was a brilliant vampire with the mind of an elephant.
"It's okay, of course," he said comfortingly. "I love you anyway. I mean... I did marry you, didn't I?"
He was right. Of all the humans in the world, Edward had chosen me to be his bride. No one else was so desirable to him. No one else smelled so delicious. I was his bacon double cheeseburger in a world filled with plain meat on a bun. I beamed with glee, kissing him deeply.
"Oh Edward," I gushed. "It's true. You did pick me. I love you so much, my pudding pop. Let me show you...?"
"You've never been much of an interpretive dancer, Bella," he replied. "And your art leaves much to be desired... Perhaps you have a photograph you wish to present me with?"
"No silly!" I laughed before I stuck my finger in the little hole that allowed his little Edward to dispell it's various liquids. "Let me show you in a way that I know you'll love."
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Well shut my mouth and slap your grandma! What are we waiting here for? Let's get back to our smoke damaged hotel room, and you can express you love for me!"
I stopped in my tracks pulling Edward back from his forceful lust filled stride.
"Why would I slap my grandma? She's dead Edward."
"Oh... It's just a saying little lumpcakes! Now let's go!" with that said, Edward tossed me over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and bounded up to our room.
The room had little damage, with the exception of the burnt kitchen. Thankfully Ernie came in enough time to save our little sex haven. Of course, it smelled of burnt bread, but it was okay because in minutes the room would smell like the sweet smell of sex and fig newtons.
"You just wait here, honey," I cooed, pressing Edward against the bed. "I have a little something special for you that I just need to slip into."