Chapter thirteen: A Newton Among The Hills

Putting on the negligee was an experience. I had not expected the newtons to be so ripe and tender. They clung to my body like a second skin. A skin which would make my beloved Edward go crazy with lustful need.

I could only pray that my needs would be fulfilled as well. My womanly needs. Which had yet to be fulfilled.

I was about to exit the bathroom when I heard a strange noise coming from the other side of the door. Edward was singing something to himself. I pressed my ear to the door, hoping to hear more clearly.

"My mind is clearer now! At last, all too well! I can see where we all soon will be!"

Edward's angel soft voice was singing the score of Jesus Christ Superstar. I poked my head through I small crack I created in the door to see what else was going on in Edward's religious musical.

Next to the velvet bed was Edward, arms flailing and legs a-kicking as he continued to sing,

"JESUS! YOU'VE STARTED TO BELIEVE THESE THINGS THEY SAY OF YOU! YOU REALLY DO BELIEVE THIS TALK OF GOD IS TRUUEEEE!" with that, Edward turned into a glorious pirouette.

However, something was amiss on my prefect little buddies flawless backside. He has a bald spot. Something quite curious since he stopped aging over one hundred years ago.

"Edward?" I asked cautiously, not exiting the bathroom. "What.. what happened to your skull?"

"Oh this?" he asked, pointing jovially to the shiny hole in his silken hair. "Do you like it? I got it fo' you."

"Oh... 'dey nice," I replied, catching his reference to the reunion special of I Love New York season one when Tango first saw New York's new implants of the breast variety.

"Except... Edward. No... That's not nice," I said after a moment. "Whatever did you do?"

"I shaved my head, of course!" Edward said patronizingly. "God, Bella. Dumb!" He paused, rubbing the newly exposed skin. "I had to get into character. Into the role, Bella. Jérôme Pradon was the perfect Judas and I... I had to set the mood for myself, Bella. I wouldn't be able to perform to my best ability if I weren't in the right mood. You must know this."

"I don't think you're able to perform, period," I muttered to myself, forgetting Edward had inhuman hearing.

"...Bella... Your words.. hurt. You hurt me, Bella." He stated as though I forgot who he was talking to within the pause of the sentences.

"Well it's kinda true dear. Between your inability to last for more than two thrusts, and then the thinking my thighs are my vagina really? I mean who has that much room in a vagina! That's, that's just Stewpid. That's stewpid!" I knew my words were hurtful, but I couldn't help it. I was sexually frustrated. Bad things happen when sexual frustration is involved. Just think of how things would've turned out if Judas was just getting some.

"YOU!" Edward began to let the water works flow. "YOU ARE SO MEAN! MEAN! MEAN LIKE A RACIST ON A HOT JULY DAY AT THE WHITE MEN CONVENTION!" he began to sob uncontrollably.

"I can't let you see me like this!" he sheilded his tear ridden eye from view, as if I hadn't already seen him cry a million times in the past couple days. "I NEED TO BE IN THE BATHROOM!" He sobbed with a scream before he yanked open the door. "YOU NEED to...OH! OH!" his sobs were replaced with wiggling suggestive eyebrows.

I stood back so that he could enter the bathroom and fully take in the view. "Do you like it?" I asked, glad for the distraction from tears (which, frankly, I was growing quite tired of.) "If you want... you can make me take back that little statement from a moment ago, Edward. You can make it all better."

"Well girdle my loins and call me Nancy!" Edward howled with excitement, picking me up and carrying me hurriedly to the bed.

My heart fluttered from anticipation. Finally after all the wait, I would get laid. Really and truly laid. Orgasm city was on my map and I was headed there with an EZPass for the highway.

"You look so good, Bella..." Edward moaned, licking his perfect Adonis lips. "I could just eat you up. I mean... more than usual. I could always eat you, I guess. WHICH IS WHY AM SO DANGEROUS, STAY AWAY. But you can't now because I wouldn't let you go. Not in this state..."

"I wasn't planning on going any--"

"AS IF YOU COULD OUT RUN ME!" he yelled over-dramatically. "AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF!"

"I didn't plan on doing any of that, Edward." I said. "What was even the point of yelling that?"

"Well I never want you to forget how strong I am! I know beneath this tough exterior I might seem like a gentle man who cries all the time, but I'm not Bella. I never cry! NEVER! I just leak testasterone from time to time. And if anybody asks," he narrowed his eyes with menice. "That's what you tell them."

"I promise!" I said as convincingly as I could. I was just ready for sex games Elivs round three to start up. This time it was personal! I would be a loose cannon cop on the edge, kicking ass and not taking names. What loose cannon cop has time to take down names?

"Do you solemnly swear?"

"Yes, Edward."

"To tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?" Edward recited the oath of honesty with a smug grin. He watched his Judge Judy, and took pride in it.

"Of course my sweet honey dumplings dipped in sour sauce."

"Well in that case!" Edward rubbed his hands together. "It's been about a good twenty four hours since I've had my fix."

"Edward we had sex a few hours ago..."

"Not that. Pish posh!" Edward flipped his wrist dramatically. "My Newton fix!"