Chapter fourteen: But I Did Not Put My Fist Back!
Edward lifted me up in his strong, granite arms and carried me to the bed, placing me down on the velvet comforter. I gazed into his perfect, topaz eyes, smiling inwardly to myself as I took in the lust which bubbled under the liquid gold.
"Edward," I moaned softly as he began tracing the Newtons with his fingers. "I have waited for this moment for so long..."
"I have dreamed of this, Bella. Dreamed on many nights when I wasn't sleeping. When I was watching you like a stalker, this is the moment I was thinking of," he replied, setting my heart a-glow.
"Oh Edward..."
He leaned down and began to nibble at my shoulder. Well, technically at the Newton strap along my shoulder, but I was desperate for action so at this point, I'd take what I was given.
"Mmm... Bella... you taste so... good... You're my tasty little morsel of love..." he purred with a voice of pure velvet.
He sent shivers down my spine as each devoured Fig Newton left a bare spot on my upper body. It was only a matter of time before the important bits would be feeling the breeze of complete nakedness. Then. only to be replaced by the warmth of my dear Edward's meat man thrusting.
"Mmmmmm. Fruit is delicious. Cake is delicious. The two combined are amazing. All these earthy and delightful ingredents are mixed in with the skin flecks of my Bella to create a symphony of great and different flavors!" Edward muttered like a salsa commercial as he ate his way down my Fig Newton bra.
He finally got to my little piglets, pausing for a moment. "I shall save these for last," he smirked. "I don't want to uncover too much, you know."
I pouted slightly, wishing he would eat the last two remaining Newtons of my bra. I was beginning to get a bit impatient with the lack of sexings in married life, but once he began working at the waistband of my panties, I lost all sense of annoyance.
"These are even more delicious," he murmured to himself. "They've had more time to ripen... to take in the aroma of my beloved Bella. Any longer however, and the Newtonly deliciousness would have been overtaken. That would be a crime. Perhaps punishable by law... Who would ever want to destroy the glory that are Newtons?" he paused, thinking to himself. "Oh, right. Bella."
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"NO QUESTIONS!" he snapped dramatically.
"...I haven't tried to destroy Newtons for you, Edward. I know you love them almost as much as you love me," I soothed, petting his hair in an attempt to get him to continue and provide me with some much needed thrusting.
"Of course!" he agreed quickly. "I know you would do anything to make me happy. Now I must get back to these Newtons before they ripen too much. That would be a shame!"
Edward continued his quest, eating the Newtons the covered my sexual organs. He ate in a circle leaving a small strip of Newton's covering my baby maker. He ate at a healthy pace, each Newton being devoured in a matter of seconds due to Edward's super human powers...and his extreme love for Newtons.
There were only five Newtons left. Two at the top, three at the bottom. However, there was a break longer than five seconds as the Figs still covered all the most important area. Ilooked up to see if my sweet nibblin' man was okay to find him rubbing his stomach with pride and fulfillment.
"I think I just broke a record!" Edward exclaimed before letting out a beelch that resembled the same sound frequency of a Mach five Jet taking off. "I've never eaten forty-five Newtons before. AND THEY JUST KEEP GETTING MORE DELICIOUS WITH EACH ONE!" he screamed.
"You know, Edward..." I said, trying to remain calm. "If you follow that logic, these last five will be the best of all. Perhaps even..." I paused, wondering if I dared to say the word which I so longed to experience. "Orgasmic."
"Oh, Bella. You're so simple," Edward said, brushing me off. "Everyone knows you can't force these things. Newtons are meant to be savored, enjoyed. Not gobbled down in a fit of passion. I am a connoisseur, Bella. Not a glutton."
I stared at him in disbelief. "So you're not going to finish...? You're not going to have sex with me?"
"Was I supposed to?" he asked, oblivious to my womanly needs.
"YES!" I near yelled, throwing my arms up in annoyance. "That's what this whole thing was for, Edward! I didn't buy a bra made of cookies just so you could have a snack!"
"They're not cookies, Bella," Edward replied threateningly, narrowing his eyes. "They're fruit and cake."
"I DON'T CARE!" I screamed hurling the last few dumb Fig Newtons that covered me at Edward.
Of course, Edward's lighting fast reflexes caught every single Newton without as much as a bit of crumble on them.
"BELLA!" Edward's face frozen in shock. "It's one thing to be mad at me, but to take you anger out on these precious little angles!" he cradeled the Newtons against his cheeck.
"OH DEAR GOD, JESUS, JUDAS, AND KING HENRY VIII!" I bolted up and tore to the bathroom. "Why don't you just marry a Newton, Edward?" I screamed while throwing on my discarded clothing.
"Well now that's the silliest idea I've ever heard!" Edward paused for a second. "...although..."
"I hate you, Edward Cullen!" I yelled halfheartedly at the door as I fell to my knees to weep. "...Lots!" I added for emphasis.
"No you don't. You love me, Bella. I'm perfect in every way possiable. Everything about me draws you in MY FACE, MY VOICE, EVEN MY SMELL!" Edward said to the door, yet again using an over dramatic tone of voice which, truth be told, did draw me in.
"Go away," I said. "Go get my phone and bring it to me then go away again."
I heard his footsteps leaving and returning with my phone which he passed to me under the door. "What are you going to do, Bella?" he asked.
"The only thing I can think of to do," I said. "I'm calling a 900 number."