Chapter fifteen: the breath that from my mistress reeks
I began to dial a number which I had memorized long ago on a lonely and dark night. My fingers danced across the illuminated number pad of my telephone like a ballerina along the stage at Christmas. My heart leapt as I heard the familiar ringing on the other line and, when a soft and sultry voice answered, I knew all was right in this world.
"Haaaaaallooooo," a woman replied. I imagined her to be blonde, buxom and missing several teeth. "Ya've cahlled heah befoa, haven't ya? Frequient costmaaah?"
"Yes," I replied. It was nice to return to the service. Sometimes you really do want to go where everybody knows your name. Or, in this case, credit card number. "I need... I need a man. Tonight."
The woman on the other end chewed her bubblegum loudly as she flipped through what I could only assume were stacks of papers. "Ally is free dis evenin, daahl. Yous wants me to send him ovah?"
"Yes. Yes please," I said excitedly. Ally was a new member of their team. A team I knew only too well. "I'm currently in Tennessee... will that be a problem?"
"Cahllah eye-dee," she said. "We know wheres yous aah. Big Brotha is watchin' you."
"...Indeed," I replied, not sure how that would work seeing as I was calling from a cell phone. "Indeed..."
"Be exspectin' Ally in 'bout tweny minues!"
"Okay!" I could barely hide my elation as I hung up. Even if this "Ally" character was unfamiliar, my clitoris needed more stroking than a pack of Huskies that have been left in Antarctica once all the scientists left.
"BELLA! NO!" Edward screamed as soon as his super sonic hearing got the vibrations of my cell phone closing shut. "DON'T DO THIS!"
"I must!" I cried back. "My clitoris needs more stroking than a domesticated T-Rex!"
"Wow," Edward paused in his plea, "That's a lot of stroking. Not even John Guevermont could provide such services."
"Clearly not, if you were his pupil and all!" I shot back, knowing my words would hurt.
"Bella! You know I can't think about anything but Newtons when I am in their presence!" Edward rationed.
"You have a problem!"
"JUST THINK OF THE STDS!" Edward made one last plea, but it was too late. A man whore would be in the room in mere minutes. If I couldn't get my own husband to pay attention to me, then I would pay some stranger to!
"You can't turn back time now!"
"Well what if I spin in circles really fast? Do you think that could work?"
"Edward, if you knew anything about physics, you would know that would only slow the rotation of the earth down and cause more time in the now than in the later."
"But sex is only in the now!" he cried.
"No. Sex is in the... seventeen minutes when Ally gets here to pamper me. To provide me with what I need. To pamper me like a woman should be pampered. To do to me what no man has done before."
"...I thought you were a regular of this establishment," Edward said.
"Well yeah, but usually all business is taken care of over the phone," I explained. "I was unmaried in a story written by a religious fanatic. Of course I'm going to be a virgin until I wed."
"That makes... you know? I don't know if it makes sense or not," Edward said, shrugging it off. "No matter. No matter, I say! Bella! You can't do this! Give me one more chance! A Real Chance at Love! I CAN PLEASE YOU, BELLA!"
"Edward, do you even know where my clitoris, which so desperately needs to be stroked, is?" I asked.
"Somewhere in your ear, I'm sure," Edward replied. "Although perhaps your nose...? I'm not sure why you want such stroking... That's a bit awkward. I mean... I love you but I draw the line at picking your nose."
"YOU TWIT!" i felt horrible at talking to my Edward this way, but he needed an intervention. If his niavity were a drug he would be on that TNT intervention show. "It is in my vagina! Some people call it the little man in the boat! The woman's equivalent of the penis! How do you know that Cosmopolitian says communication is the key, but yet you don't know with my Clitoris is?"
"EW!" Edward squeled. "What do you think? That I spend my spare nights looking at diagrams of viginas? Carlisle is the doctor in the family! Not me!"
"Carlisle spends all his spare nights looking at diagrams of vaginas?" I asked, slightly disgusted.
"Well, I suppose he looks at the real thing," Edward mused. "What with his being married to Esme and all. And seeing as all vampires are sexbeasts..."
"All?" I asked, raising an accusatory eyebrow.
"Yes, all, Bella," Edward replied through the door as though he had seen my accusatory eyebrow in action. "I am a ravenous beast in the bedroom. You should be happy I've been holding out from my true mantastic urges."
"Mantastic... urges..." I repeated, unconvinced.
"Yes."
"And you have these?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Yes."
"You're not paying attention, are you?"
"Yes."
"Edward..." I groaned. "I'm tired of these childish games with you. I want to play adult games, but you just won't let me. That's why I have to resort to these drastic measures. That's why I had to call Ally. That's why I have to--" I paused, hearing a knock on the door. "--let him in."
I rushed from the bathroom, throwing the door to the hotel room wide open. There, framed perfectly by the fig newtonly door frame stood my savior in times of sexual trials.
"My mistress?" he asked in a sultry scratching voice as if years of repeating Sonnet 130 had left him horse.
"HAH!" Edward roared before I could even reply with a ever enthusiastic yes. "This is your male prostitute?"
"I think my love is rare," the male in all his bewitching glory replied calmly, and somewhat monotonously.
"PFT! It looks like you've been around the block more times that a Pizza Delivery Boy with no sense of direction. Bella I would sue. This man must be at least in his seventies!"
"Seventy years of sexy!" I retorted, not really making much sense, but I was in utter shock of the "Ally" character. Even my religious fanatic writer wouldn't have kept me from not sinning had he been around when I frequented Male's for Maleless Madames.
"I love to hear her speak," Ally stated with bedroom eyes for only me. Even if was trained to do so, I took all of the standing around I could.
Maybe it was the lack of sex. Maybe it was the way his sultry voice rose in iambic pentameter. Or perhaps it was the way his black Slytherin robe accentuated every single manly curve of his body. I wanted him more than Edward wanted a woman made out of Fig Newtons. More than John Guevermont wanted himself.
I led him to the heart shaped bead, and discretely nudged my head towards the door, hoping Edward would take the cue. Unfortunately it was too discrete for even my acute Edward, as he sat in the chair in front of the desk his face lit in a glower.
"WELL, GET ON WITH IT THEN!" he spat venomously at us. "JUST BREAK MY HEART, BELLA. I MAY BE MADE OF STONE BUT IT IS NOT!"
"Music hath a far more pleasing sound," Ally remarked of Edward.
"I know," I agreed. "But... I suppose he cannot be blamed... perhaps it is my fault."
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, BELLA," Edward replied.
Ally nodded in agreement with Edward. "If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun," he said.
"I know, right?" Edward replied, having no real idea what it meant.
I, however, was amazed. In all my times with Edward, not once had he spoken to me of my bosom. I blushed in pride to know that they had caught the eye of such a seasoned gentleman. I swiftly pulled off my shirt to show off my dun boobs to him. He eyed them approvingly, nodding at me to continue.
I began sexily yet quickly removing my clothing until there was nothing left. Ally motioned for me to turn so he could get a full view of all my goods before he left the supermarket.
"But no such roses see I in her cheeks;" he remarked of my backside.
"Ain't that the truth," Edward chortled, slapping Ally heartily on the knee. "Oh Allan Rickman, you sure do know how to make a friend."
"Allan... Rickman?" I spun quickly, facing my gentleman caller. It was true. There sat the famed actor in full Snape attire. My heart soared. I had received, at no extra cost.. "The Harry Potter Special."
Allan Rickman nodded once more. "I have seen roses damask'd, red and white," he said modestly.
"You are too kind!" I giggled, not quite sure what it meant, but it had roses in it so it had to be good.
"I grant I never saw a goddess go," he continued showering me with compliments.
There were certainly roses on the cheeks on my face. Edward only graced me with mundane loving compliments, but Alan was going out of his way. He was concocting a love potion and I was drinking it up hungry for more. I lunged at him. Tiring of this talk and no action.
His lips kissed like he had danced a few good dances with the dark side. His touch was that of a man who had locked his love away until she was legal for marriage. His body was taught and sharp, like one who must pretend to be on the dark side, but is really all in the right.
"You call that having sex!" Edward scoffed as Alan pulled me into reverse cowgirl. "Why that looks nothing like the stuff John showed me.
Alan paused for a second to reply with, "As any she belied with false compare," before he continued in my physical pleasuring.
"I bet he can't even do a jazz square," Edward muttered in the corner as Alan began to hurtle me in to the troughs of pleasre.
I wished there was some spell to silence him. He was bringing down the mood. Only minimally, however. Alan's body limber with practice, knew all the ways to make me forget that my husband was the glowering audience in the corner of the room.
A small moan escaped my lips as Alan, like a glass water after a walk through the desert, hit the spot.
"YOU!" I heard Edward scream seconds before Alan Rickman was tossed across the room. "HOW DARE YOU HURT MY DEAR SWEET FRAGILE BELLA!"
I smacked myself on the forehead. Woe always me. My sweet simpleton of a husband has mistaken my moan of utter Alan Rickmany pleasure for pain.