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Chapter 17: He walks up to the closet, he goes up to the closet, now he's at the closet, damn he's opening the closet…
"NO!" I screamed just as John Guevermont pulled out the lyrics to the song he carried in his jacket pocket. "I will have none of this bubbly iambic pentameter in my room!"
I had to stop the madness. Pop song 130 now. A spoof on Grease in which it actually takes place in ancient Greece would be later if I didn't act now.
"Women!" Edward scoffed, clearly upset with my forbading of the song. "They just don't know true musical genius when they see it!'
"Music hath more a pleasing sound," Alan Rickman nodded in agreement.
"Definitely! It's all nag, nag, nag with the ladies," Edward brought his hand up to his air and made it as if it could talk to me.
"Gentlemen!" John Guevermont cut into Alan and Edward's complaints. "Woman are great. Why without woman who would I pleasure into submission with just the wink of an eye?" John shot a sultry wink in my direction.
I rolled my eyes. If only he knew how pathetic and washed up he looked in his tweed chalked stained coat only complimented by the rubber ducky tie that he wore over his mismatched blue oxford.
"TEACH US YOUR WAYS!" Edward screamed as both he and Alan sat down on the ground with their heads cradle in their hands, brimming over with excitement.
"We only have so much time," John smiled, patting their heads. "It takes a lifetime of hard work and dreams to get to this point. I've sacrificed much to be the man I am today."
"Like your marriage?" I asked bitingly.
"Silence, woman," John said. "I am happily married. If I happen to be in love with several of my students who's handwriting I could never forget, so be it. I've saved lives you know."
"I didn't, but I didn't necessarily want to know either," I said.
"Bella!" Edward yelled sternly. "How dare you speak to John that way? You need to learn your place. You are but a mere human-"
I knew this, of course. Edward's perfect vampire body reminded me of that fact every moment of the day. I didn't know much about vampires, but I hoped that they had more beauty than John Guevrenmont. If he turned out to be one of them... I didn't know what I would do.
"--but John is a god. A god who has blessed us by being here, Bella." Edward finished with a flourish.
"Silence you two!" John ordered before I could quip with a witty retort to Edward. "Fighting is for couples that don't know the art that is sex. Once, that is learned there is no longer fighting, but only aggressive love making!" John pointed a finger in the air knowingly. "Now, Bella." He turned towards me, his gap in between his front teeth making his front teeth look whiter in comparison to the darkness of his mouth. "I shall use you as example if Edward doesn't mind."
"NOT AT ALL JOHN!" Edward replied before I even had time to object. "Anything that is mine is yours. Why my wife is your wife. In fact, there are five Newtons left over from her Fig Newton Lingere. You are more than welcome to them." he leaned in closer towards John before continuing. "They covered all the most important parts if you catch my drift!" he wiggled his eyebrows at the last part.
"EDWARD!" I screamed in shock.
He was never one to share his Fig Newtons. I had once asked for one, and I nearly lost my right hand. He hardly ever gave a away Newtons, and here he was giving them freely to a man he had met only yesterday. I was appalled at the act, and even more so that he was giving away Newtons laced with such meaning. There were Newtons filled with intamacy along with their fruit interiors. They were Newtons that were almost shared between him and me in our private Elvis decorated room.
"Maybe later," John brushed his offer away with the flick of his crust encrusted hand. "This will build up an appetite. Now, gentelmen I hope you brought some paper and a pen. You will want to take notes." John turned his gray-blue eyes on me with a hunger only a pedophiliac English teacher could have.
--
Once again, I was whelmed.
It seemed to me that I was just destined to avoid having an orgasm. John danced, jazz-squared, and sang his way into my vagina but there was no rubbing or thrusting or stroking to be had. From what I gathered, he just sat there, grinning with pride as Edward and Allan 'ooh-ed' and 'aah-ed'. I think I even fell asleep at one point while he was lecturing them on the importance of harmony.
"How do you feel, Bella?" he asked after he pulled out of my under stimulated vaginal cavity.
"...You don't want me to answer that," I replied, trying to hold back from insulting the Canadian man and thus facing Edward's anger once again.
"No need to be modest," John grinned. "I know that you came time and again. Your youth and sensitivity is endearing."
I bit my tongue as the three men had a good laugh at my expense. If they only knew how little I was pleased... well, the laughter would be like the laughter at a funeral not attended by the lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies. Laughter-less. I was starting to wonder if I really needed to take a trip to the adult store down the road. A vibrator seemed like a really good idea.
"And that, boys," John said above my ponderings, "is how you please a lady. Now, are there any questions?"
"Is the cha cha slide necessary?" Edward asked. "I always have trouble with that one..."
"You'll just need to practice then, won't you?" John laughed heartily. "The ladies love the slide, let me tell ya. I'm sure that your lovely wife wouldn't mind helping you learn it though."
"Well with that!" John punched the air with enthusiasm. "I must be off! There are other young lovers that need my help! Remember Edward that I am only a phone call away!"
"Thank you John!" Edward showered the man's feet with kisses. "I don't even thing my coveted Newtons will be able to pay you back for your deeds. Why...why...ALAN SHAWN FIENSTEIN WOULD BE SO PROUD!" Edward broke into a fit of happy sobs.
"Now, now my boy," John gave him a tender pat on the head. "I could only hope that one day my sons grow up to be just like you. One my of son's town soccer team just won a game. Unfortunately I am too intellectual to truly enjoy it. It is quite sad. One day, Edward, you will have a son and his team will win whatever sport he plays, and you won't be able to truly enjoy it. For you are an intellectual like me. However, that is for the future. As for now, you have a woman to please."
"Do you think I can do it?"
"I'm sure you can! By the way," John flung his arms behind his back. "Time steps are an instant orgasm inducer!"
"THANK YOU JOHN! THANK YOU!" Edward once more began to shower his hands with kisses.
"Anytime. Now, Alan let us leave these two to their devices. I'll even tell you about the time I saved a man from his failed attempt to comitt suicide. And, if your really good, I'll tell you my secret to curing hicups."
With that, Edward and I were the only ones left in our room. He was ripe for the sexing, and I was jaded. I didn't think my poor vagina could take another disappointment. It was more disappointed than Mulan's father when she tried to stop the Emperor's assistant front drafting him into the army.
"Well Bella?" Edward waggled his eyebrows with the suggestiveness of a hormone ridden man. "What do you say that we give it the good ole' college try?"
"Fine..." I sighed. Edward looked so happy and excited for sex that I couldn't just deny him and run the risk of his puppy dog eyes throwing their full force upon me.
I laid back upon the bed once more, opening my legs for the final call at the bar. Edward balanced himself over me for a moment before breaking into an elaborate dance which eventually resulted in Little Edward missing the bar completely and crashing drunkenly into the wall of my knee.
"OW!" Edward cried, tears welling with the fury of ten thousand bees who'd just seen a young girl picking everyone of their flowers. "OW! God, Bella! What'd you do that for?"
"I didn't do anything," I said, leaning over to stroke Edward's penis softly in hopes of making the pain ease away.
"You had a bone there! I bet you put it there on purpose, Bella!" Edward said.
"That's my femur, Edward," I said. "I was born with it. It's been there all my life."
"Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, Bella," Edward huffed. "You know, vampires never lie because we never sleep so we don't need help with it. Unlike you humans! SO FILLED WITH LIES!"
"You lie all the time!" I countered. "Isn't your whole life a lie? You and your family run around pretending to be young when really you're well over one hundred years old, at least!"
"...That's different, Bella," Edward said. "You lie just because you enjoy my pain. I can't believe you would do something so mean! Especially when I was just about to honor you with an orgasm!"
"A woman doesn't come in one thrust, Edward!" I said. "You, John, Alan... Even Ernie! You're all idiots! I need a orgasm, Edward! I need real loving! Not this... music based ridiculous stupidity!" I turned on my heel to the bathroom, grabbing my clothing as I did.
"Where are you going?" Edward asked, huffily.
"The only place I can go for some decent stroking, Edward. I'm going to The Amazing Superstore!"