Chapter Eighteen: Bret Michaels Will Never Do You Like 'Dat
"BELLA NO!" Edward screamed, once again, from the other side of the bathroom door. "Things happen in those places. Bad things."
"Well only good can come out of it for me!" I screamed back. I wanted an orgasm and I wanted it now. Even if I had to buy Sex Games Cancun Four, I was getting the orgasm I deserved.
"What if I try the two step?" Edward pleaded. "Cira said that I'd be ready to roll if I did that. Maybe that's what we need."
I opened the door to Edward, eyes a-pleading, grasping at his one last shot to please me.
"Edward, for the last time. I don't need dancing. Dancing has nothing to do with sex...well," I paused in my thought. "Unless it's a stripper. Then dancing has everything to do with sex."
"Stripping!" Edward jumped jovially! "Why did you just say you wanted some stripper action!"
"No Edward that no-"
Before I could protest any further, Edward had me by the wrist and was dragging me out the door.
"We passed a quaint little place on the way in!" he explained as we left the hotel room for the fist time since the fire. "It's call the Diamond Dancers. There was even a special called Legs and Eggs. Maybe we can get breakfast there tomorrow!"
Edward's superhuman speed got us to the strip club in record time. Whether I liked it or not I was staring at a building that had a glittering neon diamond for a sign with naked profiles of woman dancing within it.
"Now you go make yourself comfortable inside. I'm going to work my magic and get some stage time."
"Edward," I grabbed on to his wrist to prevent him from leaving.
"Oh! I see!" Edward gave me a pat on the head. "Can't bare to be separated from your dear husband," he began to pull me towards the back of the club. "Well you can just come with me!"
"No, Edward," I protested as we came to a door that stood next to a large green dumpster. "I'm pretty sure this is a mens strip club."
"Yeah. So?"
"Meaning that the strippers are women. You can't strip here. No man wants to watch another man dance."
"Why that's pure nonsense Bella. Boy if you were Ponocho, I bet your nose would be all the way to China with all the lies you tell. I've watched John dance all the time. It's a male bonding thing, kind of like scratching our butts."
"No... Edward, I'm pretty sure all the men here came to see naked women... If you went out there in all your non woman glory..."
"Don't you worry one bit, Bella my love," Edward said as he led me into the strip club. "I know how to handle these things."
My perfect vampire of a husband brought me to a seat at the edge of the stage and settled me down in between a obese, burly gentleman and a smooth shaven fellow with a shirt reading "Mustache Rides 5 cents!" I was less than comfortable when Edward left and decided to drown my sorrows in drink. Unluckily for me, this bar carded and, being under twenty one, I was left to engage in the hardest of club sodas with lime.
"GENTLEMEN AND BELLA" a voice boomed over the speakers. I cringed. Clearly I was the only woman in the establishment save for the employees. The burly man at my right turned and nodded at me, his expression never changing from a perfect representation of bland.
"TONIGHT. FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY. AT THE REQUEST OF HIS NEW WIFE, BELLA..." I cringed, wishing that I'd paid more attention to Mike in highschool. He wasn't perfect, but he would never do something of this nature.
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS... TOASTY TESTICLES!"
Edward came onto the stage to the sounds of Les Miserables. It was ironically fitting. The musical of his choice was about miserable people and their moods reflected mine. Edward had taped fig newtons all along his penis in an attempt to remain covered while being otherwise completely naked. He sashayed his way over to the stripper pole, making direct eye contact with me as he began belting out the lyrics to 'Do you hear the people sing'. Again, quite fitting as I did indeed hear the songs of angry men.
"Whatdafuck'sdisshit?" the mustache-less man to my left demanded. "Dude'sadude."
The burly man nodded in agreement, snoring slightly.
Edward sung proudly even though there were hissing boos, and even a few glasses being thrown from the crowd. He didn't began to dance until the customary music break in a song just for dancing. Then, he whipped out every move that John Guevermont had taught him, and even managed to incorporate them on the pole.
I sank down in my seat, trying to fade from the crowd impossible as it might be because I was the only clothed woman in the place. However, to my surprise the boos and hisses and glass throwing had stopped soon after started his show stopping number dance. I sat up in my chair and looked to the men next to me. There were no longer looking upon Edward with looks of anger, but rather with looks of utter amazement.
"WHOA! DUDE HAS GOT GAME!" mustache shirt boy gasped, half mimiking Edward's hand motions.
"Why he must be able to get any woman he wants!" I heard another man exclaim from somewhere in the club.
Edward finished his song by doing two jazz squares to a fan quick into a leap and then into a full split. The men of Diamond Dancers erupted with appluade and praise as they all jumped to their feet to clap for my soulful ballerina. They didn't even seem to care that all of Edward's Fig Newtons had fallen off his penis in the finale of his dance.
"Thank you! Thank you!" Edward waved his hand like the Queen of England before tossing a piece of Newton out into the crowd, where two men fought over it manically. "Bella meet me out front! You guys were the best!" he called out before exiting to the back stage.
Another stripped with the name Honey Buns was taking the stage as I made my way out off the club. Unfortunately for her the men were no longer interested in watching a naked woman dance. Instead, I had to push through a mob of men crowding around a man who had gotten all of Edward's performance on type. They stared the projection of what they had just seen in awe. Some crying from its sheer beauty. Others saluting like it were the American flag. The rest were setting out one side of the club so they could begin to learn the wonderous dance that Edward put on.
"SO?" Edward greeted me beaming with pride. "Whaddya think? Great right?" he responed before I could even reply. "I was really worried about that fan kick at the end, but I figured you live once. It was worth try. And I totally nailed that slip. I mean even that professional Prostitute that Hugh Grant was caught with couldn't spread her legs as well as I just did. I hope that got you in the mood. I even wore 'our' Newtons," he gave me suggestive eyebrows coupled with a nudge.
I must have looked like a large mouth singing bass with the batteries taken out. My mouth was agape with complete shock and, try as I might, no words would be spoken.
"That's the ticket!" Edward said. "See? No need for that silly store of yours. Why, I bet you orgasmed just from watching me!" He laughed, eyebrows waggling once more. "Should we go clean it off for the next fellow?"
I shook my head, trying desperately not to crash my skull into the nearest wall. I had less of what one would call an orgasm and far more of what one would call burning eyeballs. I couldn't believe Edward was so desperate for my loving. After all the times he'd pushed me away because he was too dangerous. After all the cockblocking. It was kind of sweet, in it's own way. I smiled to myself as I realized he was doing all of this to be with me. The plain and simple and stupid human girl he'd so graciously married. So what if I couldn't orgasm from jazz squares? He knew this about me and married me anyway. Or would have, if he'd known because technically he didn't know until just this week. All things considered, he probably had no idea what would make me orgasm when he married me. Not that he knows now.
Regardless, Edward loves me. And I love him. And that's all that matters. Not sex, not clitoris strokings, not orgasms... not even sonnet 130. Our love was all that mattered.
"Let's go, honey," I said, jumping into his perfectly carved Adonis arms. "I want to make love to you all night long!"
"AAAAH YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LAWNG!" Edward sang as he speed back to our hotel room.
"Mmmhmm," I cooed. "We can go all night baby. This diner open 24 hours and it ain't closing for the breakfast rush."
"What does that even mean?" Edward asked as he opened the door to our Kingly sweet.
"Don't you worry your pretty little head about it," I stroked his golden hair before he laid me on the bed.
"OH MAN!" Edward squealed as he begun to undress me. "I'm more excited than an alter boy who managed to make a soundless fart in church!"
"That's nice Edward, now how about you just make with the kissing?"
Edward smashed his lips upon mine his saliva making sure my face was cleansed for the sex that was about to occur. Although it was a little gross, I did not care because my dear sweet Edward's breath smelled as if those little Listerine mouth wash strips dispensed from the roof of his mouth.
Edward's mouth separated from mine, as he began his customary sexual jazz squares, but I stopped him before he could combine that with his Cotton Eye Joe moves.
"Edward I just can't take anymore of you dancing tonight," I tired to sound as sexy as possible as I said this.
"Ah yes! You can't handel that much pleasure in one night! I'm just a pleasure machine use me, but don't abuse me!"
"Edwa- nevermind. How about we play a game called who can keep their lips on someone else's lips the longest?"
"OH YEAH! I MMA GONNA BEAT YOU!" Edward screamed before he smashed his lips on mine as he eagerly glided his member into my tunnel of female.
"I gotta admit," a voice from the open doorway said. "that's kinda turning me on."