Chapter Twenty: Drop Them Boxers! Let Me Smell Your Dick!
"NO! " Edward bellowed into the phone. I was glad that my ear wasn't on the receiving end of his woeful scream. I think that if Carlisle could, he would've gone deaf. "HAS HE GOTTEN MORE BALD?"
"Edward..." Carlisle used a voice that one would use when trying to explain that Santa doesn't exsist to a young child. "Once a man has gone completely bald there is no way for him to loose more hair."
"Phew!" Edward wiped his sweatless brow, "That's a relief! I can't shave more parts of my body to commiserate! Well I'll see you when I get back!" with that, Edward hung up the phone without even hearing the problem Carlisle called to tell. "It's all good!" Edward wrapped me up in a comforting hug that I didn't need. "Bret Michaels is not getting balder."
"Didn't Carlisle say he had a problem to tell you about?"
"He might have?" Edward turned his face to ponder off in the distance. "But the important thing is that Bret Michaels's baldness is at a stand still. Kind of like the state of Conneticut at rush hour!"
What ever problem Carlisle wanted to explain to us, confronted us moments later with a mighty banging at the door followed by Bret Michaels storming in.
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY MAN YOU HUSSY!" he pointed an accusatory finger at me, for Edward and I were still in an embracing position.
"Bret!" Edward yelled, jumping from my arms into his tattooed ones. "What are you doing here? I thought... I thought you were still with Carlisle..." he trailed off, looking up longingly at the rocker.
"I was. But then... I saw your photos, babe. I saw your dedication for me. It's kinda turning me on," he said, all while making a very bland face yet still keeping emotion in his not so sultry voice.
"I've got nothing but love for my man," Edward replied as he gazed lovingly into Bret's eyes blackened with the liner only a man of little talent and B-list fame could ever pull off.
"I'm no Flavor Flav, but I gotta admit... That's kinda turning me on," he replied as he wrapped his arms around my Edward's perfect, carved from stone body.
"...Edward?" I asked softly into the silence, heavy with desire. "Edward... hi. I'm your wife. Hi," I repeated, hoping to get his attention.
"Hunh? What? Oh. It's Bella," Edward rolled his eyes, turning to face me, an annoyed scowl on his beautiful features. "What?"
"...Hi. I'm your wife," I said again, hoping he'd get the picture and stop trying to get in Bret Michael's pants.
"I know that, Bella. I'm not dumb. Like you. Dumb." He put his hands on his hips, balancing his weight on one leg as he gave off the impression of someone who was clearly displeased. "Didn't we go through this? Mind of an elephant, Bella."
I inturrupted him before he could poke his skull and say 'elephant' once more. "I know. But..." I trailed off. "I was hoping that... you married me for realsies. Not for falsies. But for realsies. You know... no cheating and all that."
"It's not cheating if it's a threesome and there's one partner not there," Edward replied.
"For realises," I jutted out my lower lip, hoping that the gesture would some how make Edward remember the love we once shared.
That day Edwards heart grew three times its size as he looked the little Bella Lou, and her pouting and innocent face.
"I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!" he stated in a loud voice, jumping into an aside that both Bret and I could hear. "I have nothing but love for Bret, but I made a solemn oath to Bella. And if there's one thing vampires never do is break oaths!"
"Edward, no!" tears began to form, smudging Bret's perfectly lined lower eyelid. "Please don't do me like this!"
"I have to!" Edward took Bret's face in both of his perfectly fingered hands. "It has nothing to do with you Bret. It's me,"
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT LINE!" Bret tore his face out of Edward's hand. "IT IS ME! IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS!" he ripped of his hat and his blue paisley bandana to reveal his flesh toned scalp, glowing under the glare of incandescent hotel lighting.
"BRET!" Edward screamed sheilding his eyes from some unknown horror.
While all the action was going on, I made so popcorn. I was watching a soap opera at it's finest.
"I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR INNER BEAUTY!" Edward screamed trying his hardest not to grimace at Brets' raging baldness.
"LOOK AT ME!" he grabbed Edward's face so he couldn't look away, "LOOK AT ME!" Bret rubbed his hand against his scalp, flakes falling to the floor. "I'M CHRISTMAS, EDWARD!" he began to weep, the dandruff melting away in the night. "I'm.... I'm Christmas..."
"You know they have shampoos for that?" I advised, gleeful that finally Edward seemed to be acting like a normal husband should. Cherishing me and not giving into the temptations of washed up rock stars and pathetic English teachers.
"YOU!" another accusatory finger from Bret pointed in my direction. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE AND BREAK UP A HAPPY FAMILY!"
"Family?" Edward inquired, not missing a beat for the first time this honey moon.
"Yes!" Bret began to weep harder as he replied. "Edward...I'M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!" he fell to the ground in heaving sobs.
Edward rushed to his knees to hold Bret in his tender and loving arms. "Oh..." he said, eyes welling with tears of joy. "OH BRET!"
I sat, mouth a-gape, popcorn falling from my oral cavity. This was an unexpected turn that I had not expected. I was just about to close my mouth when my cellphone rang once more.
"Hello?" I answered, trying not to sound as though I'd just found out my husband's child was being carried by another man who was not me.
"Bella? Oh thank god. I'm glad it's you and not my idiot son," Carlisle's voice sounded tired and relieved. "I have something to talk to you about. The problem I mentioned before which Edward hung up on me for."
"Yes?" I asked pressingly.
"Well... Emmett decided he wanted he wanted to try to reach the intellectual level of his siblings," Carlisle explained. "So he took an online course in surgery... and, well..."
"What happened, Carlisle?" I demanded urgently. "I need to know if something happened to Edward!"
"No, not Edward. I wouldn't care if it were Edward. Edward doesn't have a billion dollar legal team. God, you are dumb," Carlisle snapped. "Emmett inserted a uterus into Bret Michaels. I need you to get that uterus, Bella."
"...Get--"
"That uterus, yes. Why do I have to spell everything out for everyone ever? Even Esme! It's like, bitch, get in the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich! But she's all 'ooooh, honey... what kind do yeeewwww want?' and it's like, GOD, I'm a motherfucking vampire! What kind of sandwich do you think I fucking want?! PBandJ? FUCK NO, BITCH. I want a goddamn BLOODY FLESH SANDWICH."
"...What are you even talking about?" I said after he finished his ridiculously out of character rant.
"FUCKING... UGH!" he yelled once more, slamming the phone against what I could only assume was a wall. He picked it up and yelled into it once more. "UTERUS, BELLA. GET IT. OR FACE MY MONSTER-IN-LAW WRATH."
"I GET IT!" Edward said from the floor where he was still with Bret. "Because Carlisle's a monster because he's a vampire! Great!"
Carlisle swore a few more times before hanging up and leaving me with a very quiet cell phone. I blinked.
"Is he always like that?" I asked.
"Oh yeah. All the time," Edward grinned. "He's great, right? I know! Best dad ever! He even damned me to a life of soul-less existance which I hate and which put me in mortal pain! I love my daddy!"
"Oh, um, well then." I stood in an emotion I couldn't even discribe. If there was one thing I learned it was that the Twilight Zone was not fictional. It was real and I was in it.
"YEAH! And once, when I was young Vampire, he left me locked in a room for day with nothing to eat! He said it was to build character! Well I don't know if it did any of that junk, but it definitely helped me keep my girlish figure," Edward popped up and ran his hands down his perfectly formed and manly curves.
"Wow," Bret patted his stomach lovingly. "He seems like the perfect grandfather for our child!"
"Well I wouldn't speak so soon," I said after finding the right words to begin the hard process of telling an expecting mother he can't keep his baby. "Carlisle needs your uterus."
"WHAT?" Edward and Bret gasped in unison.
"Carlisle would never ask for such a crazy thing!" Edward's eyes begin to fill with tears of anger. "You're just jealous Bella! Jealous that Bret and I were able to create life and your old, haggared, and dried up woman eggs couldn't!"
I gasped before defending myself with a, "I am only nineteen years old! My woman eggs are supple succulent and full of life thank you very much!"
"YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS BABY!" Bret screamed sheilding his baby bumpless stomach. "And I know just who to call to prevent it from happening!" Bret pulled out his I-Phone and punched in a number the way only a mother in defense of his unborn baby could. "Hello? Yeah John. It's me Bret. Yeah, I miss you too. Those flowers were quite nice. I especially loved to link to the naked rendition of Guys and Dolls you sent me. Yeah, I have to say...it was turning me on. Could you come over here though. I'm at the Cullen's hotel room. We have WOMAN," Brett stared daggers in my direction as his voice rose with the utterance of the word 'woman', "Issue that needs to be attended to. YOU WILL? That's marvelous. Who loves to love ya baby? KISSES! MUAWH! Bye bye!"
"Did you call John?" Edward asked lowering his voice an octive to bring manly weight to his question.
"DID I EVER? THIS PREGNANT MAN HATER WILL RUE THE DAY SHE CROSSED BRET MICHAELS!"
I slammed my hand to my forehead, it was never going to end.