Chapter twenty-two: We repossess for less so we can sell for less.
"EARNIE BACH JUNIOR!" I gasped, waving jovially to the used car sales man who graced our lawn. "AM I EVER SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!"
"No need to yell, m'dear. I've got EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!" Earnie replied.
"...No. What I'm looking for right now is Bret Michaels' uterus and I'm pretty sure he's got that in his stomach. Unless you already repossessed it but you just got here so I can't see how you could have done it so quickly without anyone noticing. Or coming down for that matter," I said.
"God, Bella. Don't you ever shut up?" Edward asked from where he sat with John, Bret and R. Kelly. "You're like... You're like a daytime television talk show host on a program aimed for middle aged women who hate their marrages and want to find the best way to fold napkins as to woo the pool boy!"
I was stung by his words and slinked away from the window, clutching a hand to my heart. Edward was wounding me more and more with each passing day of our mairrage. It was though the hole in my heart which had previously been ripped open when Edward had left for Italy then been mended by his return was now being opened once more with a seam ripper, rusty from age and abandonment in a musty cellar.
"SHE BACKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, SHE CLUTCHES HER CHEST! I PULL OUT MY GUN!" R. Kelly Narrated the current events that were occuring in the bedroom.
"You know, that reminds of the time a student pointed a gun at me," John perched his chin on his stroking fingers as he looked up towards the heaven, recalling yet another pointless memory.
Before he could finish Ernie Boch Junior busted in with a, "LET ME INNNININ!" remixing his custom lyrics for the uterus repossession at hand.
"YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS UTERUS!" Edward sprang into action, block Ernie's path from entering further into the Vestibule of the room.
"Oh shit." beat. "Oh shit." beat. R. Kelly put his head in his hands, clearly realizing the situation was slowly getting worse.
"Edward! He has to do this!" I hoped that for once on this honey moon Edward would listen to the usually off part of his brain that was the center for reason.
"Bella! Don't you see? We're in love! Bret and I have something special," Edward's voice cracked with emotion. "Something that could never be destroyed! Not even by this man that lies in his songs!" Edward stopped to cast an angry pair of eyes on Ernie. "This child is the symbol of our a love! A symbol of the special bond as husband and wife that we share! For better or worse Bella. For better or worse!"
"...Edward," I tried my best to stay calm. Edward was like a cadged animal. Agitation only mad him angrier. As long as you could keep your cool Edward would not go totally pshyco. "You and Bret aren't married."
"NOT YET!" He cried with a sweeping gesture he was at Bret's fee on one knee. "Bret, I want to stay on your tour forever and rock your world until the end of time!" with that he whipped out a sparkly diamond ring.
Before a teary eyed Bret could answer a boom voice interrupted from the door. The large figure cast in darkness.
"WAIT!" the voice bellowed, sounding like a hairy man who had be trapecing through the woods.
"Hold on a tick," I said, using outdated slang for emphasis and to hopefully confuse my fellow roommates. They were often ones for outbursts, so I hoped that, if confused, perhaps silence would remain long enough for me to get my thoughts out.
It didn't work. In the time it took me to explain my slang useage, voices rang out between the walls.
"IS THAT...?" Bret looked at the door in both horror and shock. "No... it couldn't be!"
"IT IS!" The voice replied. "IT IS I!"
"Wait just a poppencocky minute!" I saId, hoping to confuse again and thus render them speechless once more. Time was of the essence and I had to stop my internal narration as soon as possiable if I was ever going to get a word in edge-wise.
"WHO!?" Boomed Edward as he raised his fists up in preperation for a fistacuffs. "ARE YOU HERE TO ALSO STEAL THE BABY? WELL I WON'T ALLOW IT! AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!"
"...I could outrun you actually," the voice said, sounding slightly surprised that Edward had question. "I mean... probably not right now. But when I get more feet I could. Four is more than two, you know."
"Really? I had a feeling but I was just... never sure. Sometimes these things go a bit over my head, you know? I mean. I'm a birilliant vampire, of course, but there are things even my powerful and flawless mind cannot comprenend," Edward said, tapping his cranium. "Elephant."
"Can I please speak?" I asked, hoping that maybe being polite would get me somewhere in life beyond managing a store in a mall during the Christmas rush.
"No," Edward snapped as soon as the question left my lips. "Women should be seen and not heard. God Bella. Dumb."
"Ain't that the truth," John nodded. "I remember this one time when one of my students left me a note saying that I wouldn't remember her handwriting. As if I could forget..."
"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?" I screamed, finally losing it. "WHO CARES?" I threw my hands up to the heavens. "YOU BEING ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN YOUNGER THAN YOU, FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON, HAS NO BARING UPON THIS SITUATION!" I slumped my body in exhustion. It was a harsh truth, but it had to be said. Someone needed the help the poor man, and even in my frazzeled and confused state I could never forget that I was a Finestein Junior Scholar. And as every good Finestein Scholar knows, good deeds come before anything else.
"BELLA!" Edward matched my previously loud screaming before breaking into a fits of rageful sobs. "WHEN YOU DO JOHN LIKE THAT...YOU...YOU DO ME LIKE THAT!"
"Edward!" Brett gasped as he began to heave himself off his perch. "I hate to see you li-"
"NO!" the shrouded wolf of a shadowed man finally revealed himself at Bret Michaels's side. "You can't jostle the baby in such a way!"
"JACOB?" every person in the room screamed in unison, followed by silence save for R. Kelly's suspenseful echoing.
"YES IT IS I!" Jacob beat his chest and stood up straight after safetly getting Bret back to his seat. "I HAVE COME TO GET WHAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME!"
I groaned, "Jacob you know that we can never be together. I told you at the end of New Moon that It was always Edward. Sometimes you can be so thick. Why your skull is as thick as those perfectly sculpted legs of yours."
My chastising was followed by silence. A silence coupled with a confused face from Jacob. A silence and a confused face followed by hysterical laughter.
"Please Bella!" he flipped his wrist at me after wiping a tear from his eye. "That ship sailed that day you finally agreed to kiss me. I mean come on! Who eats an scallion and garlic omelette with tabasco sauce before a kiss? You're not the one I'm here for." He turned towards the jury of idiots that sat in my hotel room watching the drama go down. "I'm here for Bret!"