Chapter twenty-three: A Furry Predicament
Everyone except Bret and R. Kelly stared at Jacob, mouths a-gape, ready for birds to nest. I had to stop and wonder. How was it that a middle-aged, balding and untalented singer such as Bret Micaels was able to gain the love and affection of the most important people in my life? What did he have that I didn't? I paused to ponder it. Bret had a penis. He had busty women. He had a weave. He had loads of money....
Bret had a lot which I did not have.
"YOU!" Edward yelled, pointing at Jacob and giving him the accusatory eyes.
"Yes," Jacob said again, not with the gusto of before, but with the tone of a man who was sick of introducing himself to the peanut gallery. "It is I." He sighed, giving Edward a look which could only express his deepest disgust.
"YOU!" Edward yelled once more, adding a pointing finger to his accusatory eyes.
"...Yes," Jacob said with even less enthusaum than before. "It is I."
"YO--"
"EDWARD. WE GET IT! IT'S JACOB. WE GET IT. GOD!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in exasperation.
"How could you let him in here Bella. Why you gotta do me like that?"
"Edward..." I sighed, tired of needed to explain the most simple of things to my shockingly dimwitted husband. It is true what they say. They do wait until your married to show their crazy side. "I didn't let Jacob he barged in all on his own."
"YES!" Jacob regained his earlier vigor. "FOR LOVE KNOWS NO BORDERS. DOORS OR LANDS! THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD DO TO KEEP ME FROM MY LOVE...BRET MICHAELS!"
"Wait. Wait. Wait." R. Kelly's soulful voice tuned into the conversations. "How can this be! This man is carried Edward's baby! PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME!" he pulled out his Beretta once again.
"Well you see," Jacob took a seat on the bed. "I too wanted to Rock Bret's world on his tour of love. We had a connection! A REAL CONNECTION! Why, I even got his name tattooed on my neck. It was my first tattoo ever. Remember baby?"
"It was a magical moment for us both. I had to admit...it was turning me on."
"Yeah, well after our night of intimacy things went sour. Sour with the talk of needles! I just couldn't do it! I couldn't stick a needle him in if he went into diabetic shock!"
"You have diabeties?" John questioned.
"Yes," Bret replied as if it were something to be ashamed of. "I have dee-a-beet-ties."
"DEER BEAT FLIES?" Edward screamed not seeming to remember Bret's odd pronunciation of the word only hours before.
"No dee-A-BEET-ties!"
"FEET LEAVE TUESDAY MORNING?"
"NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING THINGS UP!" Jacob snarled showing his what would be fangs if he were in his werewolf state. "Yes, my dear Bret has Diabeties and I am afraid of needles!" Jacob must've noticed the skeptical faces of the audience as he continuted. "I may be big meaty, warm, and hair, but I am still a man! A man with wants, needs, and fears! FEARS THAT CAN CRIPPLE RELATIONSHIPS! TAKE ME BACK BIG DADDY! YOUR LITTLE SUGAR MUFFIN NEEDS SOME SERIOUS LOVIN'" Jacob pleaded at Bret's swollen with pregnancy feet.
"I...can't. Don't you see? It would never work out!"
"But what about our little miracle?" Jacob motioned to Bret's stomach.
"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit!" R. Kelly's soulful voice was the only thing that reverbriated againt the walls.
"What..." Edward started. He looked broken. Destroyed. Like a broken and destroyed man. "What do you mean...?"
"I mean what I said," Jacob replied, obviously annoyed at Edward's question.
"Jake... He's a bit slow in the head. You have to spell things out for him. He's not quick to the uptake," I explained.
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH WOMAN. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Edward yelled with the voice only a man who was losing his unborn child could have.
Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes. "Sure sure," he said, quoting his famous line. "Right. Well... okay. So... it was a night of passion, yeah?" Everyone nodded. "Well. During nights of passion, a man can't just pull a Kenny. There has to be someone there to help him milk the cow, as it were. And Bret, well..." Jacob paused to smile fondly at the diabetic singer. "He's got himself the best hands on the farm."
"...What is that even supposed to mean?" I asked.
Edward rolled his eyes. "And here you were just critisizing me," he said sternly. "What Jacob means, Bella, is that he and Bret did what you and I have done so many times before. They made passionate, orgasmic love."
"Edward," I said. "I have never had an orgasm with you."
"WHA-WHA-WHATTTTT?!" Edward stammered.
"She ain't gonna gasm. She's never gonna gasm. She better give up trying to gasm... Gasm... Gasm..." rang R. Kelly's soulful voice.
For the first time since Edward left me for Italy to go and dazzle himself to suicide, I fell to my knees and wept openly. It was true. I was never going to get an orgasm at the rate things were going. I had hoped that sex was going to be something beautiful and wonderful which brought both my darling pudding pop and myself to Nirvana. Not the band, although that would be pretty neat, but rather the state of being.
"Oh pish tosh," Edward flicked his wrist limply. "Of course you've orgasmed with me, Bella. I'm fantastic in bed. You're just silly and can't tell when your own body is reaching the beautiful climax which I provide you with. I mean, who can resist my two step?"
"Ain't that the truth," John nodded in compliance. "Eddie here is one of my best students. Right up with Meg." He sighed, looking longingly into the distance where Earnie Bach Junior's organ repossessing self once stood.
"Wait... Do you mean to tell me that you've forgotten what the main issue for the past few days has been?" I threw my arms up in the air. Why was it that I, the measly and imperfect human, surrounded by all these near gods, was the one speaking common sense?
"Of course not," Edward chuckled.
"I think we have a more important matter to deal with, gentlemen," Jacob interrupted with a voice of dignity. "I've brought my lawyer with me today to help me reclaim what is rightfully mine. Not only in my cells, but in my heart. Gentlemen, may I introduce to you..." he paused. "Actually, no. I will represent myself. I called that hotline that they advertise during Springer. I got off my couch and got my degree. So I'll introduce you to me. My lawyer."
"YOU!" Edward pointed again, excited to have the opportunity arise once more.
"Yes," Jacob replied. "It is I."
"What happened to having a mind of an elephant?" I tapped my head for emphasis. "Elephant?" completely ignoring the exchange between Edward and Jacob that had happened moments before.
"Well Bella, I can't remember everything that happens. I am just a human...well not really. I'm actually a vampire! A terrifying and evil vampire! I'M A MONSTER BELLA! SEE ME FOR WHAT I REALLY AM!" He stepped into the sunlight that was pouring into the window. His skin became a glow as if he slipped into a sequined body suit. SEE! I'M A MONSTER!" he bellowed before braking into sobs only a hideous sequined monster could have.
"You're...you're beautiful!" Bret began to stand as if the Virgin Mary appeared to him.
"DON'T FALL FOR IT!" Jacob screamed as he fumbled to shade the light from the window. "IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?" he screamed, tears streaming down his face to match Edward. "BREAK UP HAPPY COUPLES WITH YOUR SPARKLES?"
"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I screamed.
"OR I'LL PULL OUT MY GUN!" R. Kelly backed me up, placing his hand comfortably on his jacket pocket.
"Thanks R." I collected myself and begin. "The real problem is not Edward's sparkly skin or who Bret's scienfical maircle baby belongs to. Why it's not even the fact that John Guevermont is a forty-seven-year-old man who lives in a dream world in which he is the greatest being alive."
"PFt dream world?" John scoffed. "If I lived in a dream world how did I come to be the choir director of my Church choir. Why they just don't ask anyone to direct a bunch of old people, who can't sing or hold long notes anymore, in the song of the Lord."
"Whatever," I continued, not wanting to get into a fight with him at this point. "The real problem is that Edward can only last for two and a half thrusts, and that is not enough for a woman. A real woman needs at least a good twenty thrusts before she is fully please. Twenty. that is seventeen and a half thrusts more."
I was greeted with silence. Silence was something I was beginning to appreciate in the light of the situations as of late.
The silence, however, was quickly broken by Jacob's howling laughter, "TWO AND A HALF THRUST?" he continued his laughter. "WOW I CAN LAST FOR OVER THIRTY THRUSTS! Well I think at least. Bella's rejection has caused me to never want to be with a woman again. But jeez Bella. I bet you have egg on your face!"
"I think Jacob's blind," Edward whispered to Bret. "There is certainly no egg on Bella's face. Acne, maybe, but not egg. You should love me, Bret. I can see her for what she really is."
"...I meant it metaphorically, two-point-five-Eddy," Jacob said, smirking slightly. "I think Bret could see that. He appreciates the finer things in life. Like a sharp wit."
"Yeah? Well... FINE!" Edward huffed. "I'LL SHARPEN MY WIT! JUST YOU WAIT!" He turned on the ball of his foot and went into the kitchenette, pulling out a knife. A look of confusion spread across the perfect face of my husband. He looked at the knife curiously, thinking about something very hard.
"What is it, pudding pop?" I asked.
"Where would my wit be to sharpen?" Edward asked. "I mean... I have a knife and I learned how to widdle when I was in boy scouts..."
"Aren't you a little old to be getting away with being in boy scouts?" Jacob asked.
Edward shrugged in reply.
"Eddie... babe," John Guevernmont patted his back in consolment. "It's alright. You don't have to strain yourself for him."
"I do though," Edward replied, putting the knife down on the counter. "I spit at Jacob for this man. I... I love him."
John nodded and continued patting Edward's back. "I know, believe me son, I know. It's hard when they get this way but sometimes you have to realize that you're married and it's never going to work between you and the one you lust after. They're so young and full of life. A life they need to get on with, even if it is without you and with a restraining order."
"You're right," Edward nodded sadly. "Perhaps it is time to move on. Jacob will..." he broke into heaving sobs. "He'll take care of... the baby!" His sobbing ended in a full out wail which echoed down the halls of the hotel.
"You know what they say," John laid a promising and comforting hand upon Edward, who was now on the floor in the fetal position. "It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. You know? I wrote that little ditty the last time one of student affairs realized I was too intellectual to ever love them the way they needed it."
"You did not write that!" I broke in, my love for English taking hold. "That's a line from a Tennyson poem."
A horrid scream came for the Bret Michaels region, stopping any retort from John Guvermont. All heads snapped to find Bret Michaels curled up on the floor, mirroring Edward's fetal position.
"Clearly my love is having sympathy pains for me!" Edward mused watching Bret writhe in agony. "However, while my pain is internal and emotional, his is physical."
"WHAT IS IT? I SCREAMED." R. Kelly's soulful voice hit a crecendo that only a popular R&B singer could muster.
"TELL US PLEASE!" I cried aloud, for the first time caring about the well being of Bret, in rhyme to R. Kelly's last musical outburst.
"I THINK IT'S THE BABY!" Bret screeched, still following R. Kelly's rhyme scheme.
"Is little Jacret okay?" Jacob knelt at Bret's side.
"Jacret?" I quipped.
"DUH!" Edward huffed shooting an annoyed look in my direction. "It's a combination of Jacob and Bret. All the cool parents are naming their kids like this today!"
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Bret took hold of the room in a way that only a pregnant woman who is in labor pains could do. "I THINK THE BABY IS COMING!"