Chapter 24: You are the wind beneath my wings.
"Good lord!" Jacob screamed as he knelt to Brett's side. "We need to get this heavenly being to a hospital right away!"
"There's no time for that!" Edward replied in a panic. "I'll call my father, he'll know what to do! He's a doctor! Doctors give birth, right?"
"Right!" Jacob said. "Good thinking!"
"Oh! Well, thank you for the compliment! It really means a lot coming from you. I know that we don't really get along, but it really makes me feel good knowing that you'll still willing to acknowledge my achievements," Edward smiled, putting a friendly hand over Jacob's. They looked into each other's eyes, smiling softly. There was a part of me which squealed like a fat English woman inside. I had always hoped that one day the two most important men in my life would join together in the bonds of friendship and brotherhood. I wiped a tear from my eye, knowing that everything in the world was right in that moment.
That moment did not last long as Bret let out yet another, blood curdling, pregnant woman scream. "AAAH!"
All eyes once again turned to the diabetic winner of the latest season of Donald Trump's reality television show. "Oh no!" Edward gasped. "I MUST GET TO CARLISLE!" He leapt to action with the speed of a one hundred and nine year old vampire and dashed for the phone. He paused, not being fully able to figure out how to unlock it quickly, then, after a bit of button smashing, dialled Carlisle.
"CARLISLE?" Edward screamed into the phone once the sound of it being answered by a being was made. Somehow throughout the phone smashing Edward managed to get the phone on speaker.
The receiving end of the converstation did not reply with a hello, or a good day, or even a wazzup. Instead we were greeted with the sound of heavy breathing and moaning.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Carlisle managed to gasp out during hefty huffs of oxygen.
"Carlisle? Are you in a marathon?" Edward asked, completely unaware of the situation. "I didn't know that was a new past time of yours! Why it's probably down right unfair! You must be the fastest thing by far! I mean as if people COULD OUT RUN YOU!"
"I'M FUCKING YOU MOTHER DUMBASS! NOW GET TO THE POINT!" Carlisle seemed to have quite the change in attitude as of late. He was no longer the loving and pacient man I knew him to be. I guess over a hundred years of stupid coming from his son really wore the guy out.
"EW! !" Edward squealed like Justin Bieber sung, high pitched. "Why would you tell me that? Now I'm going to have horrible nightmares! It's almost like walking in on you! Do you know what happens to kids when they walk in on their parents doing indecent things? WELL IF YOU DON'T JUST ASK TOMMY! HE'S DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND NOW!"
"THE SITUATION AT HAND!" Jacob bellowed, now at Bret's side. He was fanning him and brushing back his golden strands that were now darkened with the sweat of a woman about to give birth.
"Oh right…BRET IS HAVING THE BABY DADDY! AND I'M THE BABY'S DADDY! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL! YOU NEED TO COME!" Edward flailed around as R. Kelly hummed some soulful, yet urgent, background music.
"Damn right I need to come," Carlisle groaned with frusturation. "This is all I wanted from the beginning of this whole chapter. GODDAMNIT, EDWARD. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING!"
Esme's reassuring coos could be heard through the phone as she tried desperately to attempt to revive the fainted, tiny doctor.
"What's mommy saying, daddy?" Edward asked naively. "She sounds… sad… like something she wanted very much was lost."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BONER KILLING MEATWAD!" Carlisle screamed. "GODDAMNIT! WHY DID I DECIDE TO VAMPIRE-IZE THE DULL CRAYON WHEN I COULD HAVE HAD THE NEW BOX?"
Edward looked at the phone with shock. Even more tears began to well in his eyes as he started shaking. "I'm not a dull crayon, father," he said, sniffling. "I am a boy. A human. Or I was, until you promised my mother that you'd save me from that disease I had when I was about to die way back in the day. Now I'm a vampire, but no less un-crayon-y!"
"Shut your mouth, boy. Just… shut your mouth. STOP TRYING TO OPEN IT AGAIN!" Carlisle screamed, just as Edward went to speak once more. He paused then spoke, calmer this time. "Give the phone to Jacob. The son I should have had. The son I wanted to have. The intelligent son. The son I'd be proud of. Beyond Emmit. He's the coolest. But Jacob would be a good other proud son. Give him the phone."
Everyone exchanged nervous glances across the room as Edward looked at the phone, mouth shut. He nodded solemnly, realizing that this was something he was going to have to do, for the sake of the baby which Bret Michaels was only mere pushes away from delivering. He took a deep breath through his nose, as his mouth was still shut, and walked over to Jacob, handing him the telephone.
"Carlisle," Jacob answered the phone like a man who's wife was about to give birth. If he was sporting a mullet he would be sporting the buisness aspect of it.
"Jacob. How are you my dear boy?" Carlisle chuckled into the phone exponentionally merrier than seconds before.
"I'd be better if my love were in the proper hands of a doctor. I sure hope you could make the trip."
"Unfortunately, I would not get there on time. For, there was an acciedent on 95 and cars are backed up for miles. There's only so much a vampire with superhuman speed that could run to Tennesse instead of drive could do."
"Oh Shit. Shit. Shit!" R. Kelly was the first to react the sheer direness of the current situation.
"You'll need to deliver the baby on your own. I know you can do it! You graduated highschool with high honors…unlike someone else in the room!" if this was a video phone one could've seen the daggers that were Carlisle's voice. "I can't help you any further, for the mission would be compromised. This message will self destruct in five-four-" he used the old candy wrapper crumpled into the phone trick before hanging up.
"!" Jacob screamed to the heavens for a surprising long time, for he went without breath for a good minute in a half, but I suppose stressful situations give one that ability.
"I guess we'll just have to deliver the baby ourselves!" Edward placed his hands on his hips purposefully. "NOW! We'll need a knife, pot, bowl of soup, and some pretzels."
"Don't forget the rainjackets!" Bret added, coming out of his labour distress for a moment.
"Gentlemen," I interrupted for the first time. As much as I hated Bret there was no need to kill a baby over the situation. Or if not kill at least mame horribly for the rest of his or her days. "We do still have time to call the parametics. Let the professionals deliever the baby!"
"Professionals?" Edward questioned sarcastically. "Are you trying to say we're not professional? Why, I'm wearing gloves!" Edward help up his hands to sport a pair of winter mittens he had somehow got his hands on…literally. "All professionals wear gloves, AND in classic syllogism form if all professionals wear gloves and I'm wearing glovers, then I'm a professional!"
"Edward…" I held my head in my hands, taking calming breaths as I tried to deal with the overwhelming stupidity which was filling my life. "Edward, those are mittens. Not gloves. Gloves have fingers."
"Oh! Think you're so clever, do you!" Edward laughed hartily as he pulled the top of the mittens off, revealing his fingers. "Who's face is red now, Bella?"
"Is it Bella's?" Brett asked, as he paused his screams once again to join the conversation.
"IS IT EVER!" Edward exclaimed gleefully. "You're so smart, Bret! You're like Alex Trebek on Jeopardy. He knows all the questions to the answers! I think he might even know the answers, but I'm not sure if they give him those or if the screen has them."
"I think he has them with him in his little stack of index cards," Jacob said, nodding in agreement with himself.
"Aren't you supposed to be trying to deliver a baby?" I asked, trying to steer away from the topic of night time game shows. "If you want to do this right, you're going to need boiling water, towels and tongs. Not… soup or whatever el-"
"God, Bella. You're so dumb! When was the last time you had any sort of baby giving experience? You don't know anything about this! You don't have the mothering instinct that we do!" Edward gave me a look to express his feelings about my lack of intelligence.
He was right once again. He was clearly the superior being here and I was but an idiotic human. My mind could only comprehend so much, and even that was nothing in comparison to his huge vampire brain. Even his medulla oblongata could trump all of my anatomy in terms of superiority.
"I HAVE THE RAIN COATS!" John Guevernmont announced, holding up several yellow rain slickers. "And Ernie is coming on down with the soup. Let's get this party started! Why, it reminds me of the time when I gave birth to my youngest son who cries every day when he goes to school!"
"FABULOUS!" Edward clapped his mittened hands together, ready to start the show. "Let's get Bret to the bathroom! That seems like the right place to give birth, right?"
"I concur!" Jacob and Edward both lifted Bret carefully only to place him in the large twinky shaped bathtub.
"Okay, if memory serves me correctly, we have to make sure Bret is properly dialated."
"How do we do that?" Jacob looked panic striken as Bret heaved and huffed in a way only a woman in labour could do.
"You have to measure his cervix…although," I stared off towards the heavens to ponder outloud. "Considering that he has a penis I don't know how it would work."
"Please!" Edward scoffed. "If it had to do with the cervix it would be called cervixing…or something of that matter. "We have to give Bret dials, but, how?" Edward sat on the base of the bathtub deep in thought for a few minutes before popping up and springing towards the kitchen.
"JACOB QUICK!" Edward called Jacob from the kitchen. "We need to rip the dials off this stove so we can dialate Bret!"
"GENIUS!" Jacob yelled as he jumped to his feet, becoming a wearwolf and ripping the dials off with his large, wolf-y teeth. He picked the dials up carefully in his mouth and brought them over to Bret, wagging his tail like a puppy bringing slippers to its owner.
"Good boy! Good Jake-y!" Edward rewarded, scratching Jacob behind his ears as the wolf turned back into a man. "What a good puppy you are. Yes you are! Yes you are!"
The two of them began working quickly to put dials on Bret. They struggled for a while, trying the best methods to get the dials to stick, but after the failure of play-dough, the denture cream and the rubber cement, they found that peanut butter worked best. Especially under Bret's arms.
"We've got him dialated!" Edward said proudly as he placed the last of the dials on Bret's left nipple. "Now what do we do?"
"I know that pushing is involved somewhere," Jacob said, scratching his chin. "But I think that's after the baby is out of his stomach. And there are section C's which we might have to fill out. You know, like in taxes? Do you have a blue or black pen?"
"I have a number two pencil… I thought… if there were any forms that needed out filling, I'd be covered…" Edward looked disappointed in himself. Forlorn, as it were. "I feel so unprepared…"
"That reminds me of the time when I failed to cure the hiccups of one of my classmates during class! Did you know that I can cure hiccups? Just think of my grandfather. It always works. Except for that one time." John nodded and smiled to himself. "Always works…"
"I'm glad you know my pain," Edward replied. "But… the baby. The baby is more important right now that my pain. We need to deliver it!"