Chapter 26: Honkey Tonk Badonk A Donk
"You what?" everyone shouted, casting confused and surprised eyes at Jacob.
"I imprinted on the fart, guys..." he paused then held his hands to his cheek, sighing dreamily. "It was the most... beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. I... I cannot describe in words how gorgeous and perfect it was. I wish to be with it forever..."
"Jacob..." I wasn't sure how to break the news to my best friend. Jake had helped me heal the metaphorical hole in my heart when Edward had decided to be over dramatic again and left me. I wasn't sure if I would be able to heal the hole in his heart when and if I told him that the fart was gone forever and the world was better off for it. I bit my lip.
"Bella?" Edward asked, breaking me of my thought provoked lip biting.
"Yes?"
"Why do you always do that?" he asked.
"Do what?"
"Bite your lip like that," he waved his hands around generally. "I mean... you do it all the time. Do you think it makes you look attractive or something? Are you trying to avoid spending money on lip injections by plumping it through physical torture?"
"I don't do it all the time..." I argued.
"You kind of do," Bret Michales said. "I mean... every two seconds it's like you're biting your lip over here. Biting your lip over there. You're always biting your lip! You're crazy!"
"I am NOT crazy!" I said exasperatedly. "I'm not the one in love with a fart here! I'm the only sane one in this whole conglomerate of crazy!"
"HEY!" Jacob pointed an accusatory and angry finger in my direction. "WHAT Farterella and I have is beautiful, and if it's crazy than I don't want to be right!"
"Farterella?" Edward questioned
"Well I figured it needed some sort of name. I mean... everyone farts. I need to be able to distinguish her from the rest."
"Good thinking!" Edward quipped. "I think it's a beautiful name. It really captures her essence."
"I once had a fart," John broke into the conversation, dreamy eyes cast on the shower wall. "I was told it was smelled like Sex and Candy. I turned it into an award winning song you know... "Sex and Candy"."
"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FARTS!" I screamed, not fully understanding how this kind of thing kept happening. Things were so normal in Forks with all its mythical residents and the vampires that kept trying to hunt me down.
"Dumb," was all Edward replied with a disappointed head shake. "Dumb."
"AND FURTHERMORE!" I ignored Edward's attack on my intelligence. "YOU DID NOT WRITE SEX AND CANDY! THAT IS A SONG BY A MAN CALLED MARCY PLAYGROUND!"
"WOW! That is such a COOL name! I wanna be Edward Playground! I mean Cullen...it's so bland! CULL-EN!" he accentuated the syllables. "It's so blah. I mean whatever British man came up with this surname was a boring man, but Playground! That's creativity! I wonder what ethnicity it's from."
Before I could waste my precious breaths trying to explain to Edward that it was simply a made up name, a knock came at the door.
"OH A VISITOR!" Edward's excitement climaxed as he punched the air with enthusiasm. "OH JOY! OH GLEE! A VISTOR FOR ME! I SHALL GET THE DOOR AND INVITE THEM IN! THEN I WILL TELL THEM A STORY ABOUT RIN TIN TIN!" he skipped to door reciting this odd little poem I could only assume was made up.
Just as Edward reached the door, holding the doorknob in his hand, about to turn it, it opened without his turning the doorknob that he was holding in his hand at the door he reached. Much to everyone's surprise, the volturi waltzed in in perfectly syncronized steps which would make John Guevernmont either proud or aroused were he paying attention.
"IT'S YOU!" Edward pointed at them, gasping in shock. "YOU ARE NOT INVITED IN! AND NO STORY OF RIN TIN TIN!"
"No matter," The volturi shrugged in unison. "We have come because you have done something... naughty." The volturi turned quickly, staring harshly at Bret. "FATHERING A NON-VAMPIRE!"
"Oh, that?" Edward laughed, flapping his wrist limply. "Yeah, well... you know how I can be sometimes. I'm just a naughty boy," he began sucking on one of his fingers in what I can only assume was an attempt at being coy or sexy. Considering his age of a ripe one hundred and nine years, it came out as merely disturbing. "Perhaps I should be punished?"
"What?" The volturi spat. "That's gross. No."
"Fiddlesticks!" Edward kicked the ground, pouting.
"What you must do is VAMPIREIZE THAT FART," the volturi yelled forcefully, causing Edward to pause in his ground kicking. He gazed at them with wide, fearful eyes.
"NO!" Jacob yelled. "I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT!" He coughed a few times, trying to turn into the large bear-wolf which was part of his DNA. I was afraid of what would happen if he did change. I wasn't sure the room could take much more damage. Fortunately, he wasn't able to switch and just glared instead.
"I love that fart," he growled. "There is nothing more beautiful in my world. I'm not going to let you turn it into the thing I hate most!"
"Oh you're so silly," Edward said. "They're not going to turn the fart into carrots."
"Can we hold up for a minute?" I stepped in between the Volturi and Edward. "We all realize we're talking about a fart. You know...a fart. I know none of you have eaten in sometime, but I'm sure you remember the joy of passing gas. You know, gas. GAS. It's there and all, but you can't really touch it and it's invisible and such. GAS! The substance that has really loose atoms. GAS! It's smelly, but it passes. You know... that's why they call it PASSING GAS! Because you pass it out of your butt and the it smells and then it leaves. It's the nature of Gas. GAS! It's there, and then it's gone!" I huffed in a few lungfuls of air, my rant leaving me tired and exasperated. I thought the Volturi were supposed to be smart.
"Gone?" Jacob was the first to break the shocked silence. "As in no longer here?"
"That is the definition of gone," John agreed. "I would know this stuff," he elbow nudged the closest Volturi to him. "I'm an English teacher you know. It's probably the most challenging job in the universe!"
"Even more challenging than running an entire Vampire nation that stretches across the globe?" the Volturi were clearly unimpressed with John's minimal life accomplishments. I knew they were secret world leaders for a reason.
"I'd say so. You don't know how scary menstrual teenager girls are. All those raging hormones, and those sexual urges, and their needing a strong and learned man to Catch them in the Rye..." John trailed off, fanning himself with a toilet bowl brush.
"GONE?" Jacob asked again this time his face streaked with the tears of a man who was going to terms with the fact that the fart he loved had left the world forever. "HOW? WHAT? WHO? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?...WHY SHE GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT!" he screamed falling to his knees, weak with sobs.
"Jacob..." I tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder but it was knocked away.
"I'm not a wearwolf, Bella... I'm a disgrace..." he cried. "I couldn't even protect the one I imprinted on! I'm worse than Sam! And he physically abused and caused scars to his girlfriend who I can't remember the name of right now but she made really good blueberry muffins!" He began sobbing openly, much like Edward was prone to doing. "I bet those blueberry muffins would have made Farterella really strong... She would have loved those muffins..." He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes but they were flowing far to quickly.
". . .This man is a wearwolf?" The Volturi asked, slightly confused. They turned to Edward and glared. "Why isn't he eaten yet? Or... blood sucked yet? Dead? Whatever it is that we do?"
Edward shrugged, pointing to me and spinning his other finger around one of his ears to indicate that I was crazy. "She's crazy," he stated. "You know... She thinks that his existance keeps holes in her filled up. I think it's because she's allergic and is having some sort of infection or something that's clogging them... I mean... she's always got the sniffles and complains about not being able to breathe... and her ears must be filled with wax because she never listens to how smart I am... and I don't even want to get started on the yeast infection..."
The Volturi nodded, obviously appeased by this explination. "Fair enough," they said, nodding once more. "But that's not the point. The point is... you need to vampireize your baby. We can't have more baby-vamp-wanna-be-s running around. It's just uncouth. And annoying. And there's only so many we can convert when they're older. But having perpetually teenage vampires is the biggest pain in the ass... Always going through puberty and always having their voices crack..."
"What the heck are you talking about!" I asked. "Do you not understand that this is a FART you're talking about?" I took a deep breath, preparing to give my fart lecture again.
"You're crazy, we're going to ignore you," they said firmly, not knowing that I was used to being ignored. I stomped my foot in anger, not going to stand for this any longer. I may be ignored by every single person in this room, but I still had words!
"FART!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A CHEESE TOASTY. BEAN BOMBERS! BUTT MUTTS! CRUNCHY FROGS! ESSENCE OF EMRIL! MORNING THUNDER! PANTS GEESE!"
"BELLA!" Jacob said sternly, glaring at me from behind his tear filled eyes. "How could you ever call Farterella such fowl names! She is a goddess among men! A perfect angel! My love and my life! I will not stand for such slander on her name!"
"It's a good thing you're sitting..." Edward noted.
"I know, right?" Jacob nodded, grinning at him. "I always come prepared for such situations."
"Enough of this!" the Volturi help up their hands, commanding silence. "You need to turn your fart into a Vampire baby by a years time or else!"
"Or else what?" Edward threw his hands on his hips in defiance of the perfectly coordinated "man."
"OR ELSE!" they screamed as if flames were to burst up around them. "We will do something horrible to you and your family!"
"OH NO!" Edward ran to cower under our heart shaped bed. "You're going to castrate us?"
"WORSE!" they screamed, while I wondered what could possibly be worse(besides death that is). "We're going to cut your toe nails so short that it hurts to walk!"
"OH GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Edward began to cry with the thoughts of what could happen if he didn't vampierize the unattainable fart.
"A years time," was all that was said before they vanished, which was strange because vampires didn't have magical powers.
"Well there's only one thing we can do!" Jacob was the first to regain composure.
"I sure hope it involved a mental hospital," I muttered.
"Well we might cross one in our paths, whether or not it will be involved, we will have to see," Jacob replied quite logically even though he didn't get my implication. "We have to take it to the streets! TAKE IT TO THE STREETS TWO, ELECTRIC BOOG-A-LOO!"