Chapter 28: This situation is gonna be indescribable you can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into the situation

After helping Jacob to discover the problematic issues which could result from his sexual moves on Farterella, I felt empowered. I felt as though I was a junior scholar, ready to take on the world of unhappiness and Rhode Island. I clutched my good deed book tightly to my chest, holding it to me like a sacred child onto this world. If it were a child, I would name it Charlisle. Which would be a mixing of Charlie and Carlisle. My two fathers.

"We need to find another place to do a good deed," Edward said as he and Jacob crab walked down the streets. "There has to be someone in need of help somewhere…"

"Couldn't she just flush the toilet after using it?" Jacob asked. "I did that as a good deed once, remember?"

"I don't have to pee though…" I replied, feeling slightly dejected. Oh, how I wished there were someone I could help in this Elvis loving town! Going so long without doing a good deed was starting to make my spirits wan. What if I wasn't a junior scholar after all? What if I was just… just a fake…? I clutched my book tighter, hoping to the mighty Alan Shawn Feinstein that this wasn't true.

Just then, as if divine intervention had struck, a loud bass thumping could be heard approaching.

"HARK!" Edward pointed towards the direction in which the loud vibrations were coming from. "A VISITOR APPROCHETH!"

"MAYBE HE WILL NEEDEST A GOOD DEED!" Jacob screamed, now staring down the street in the direction of Edward's point.

As the music got closer, one could make out the harmonies and melodies that went along with the bass. Sleeping With an Angel by The Real McCoy was what was blasting towards us.

"OMG!" Edward let out a shrill squeal. "I LOVE THAT SONG!" he began to dance and sing along. "Sleepin' with an angel. Neva thought I could. Sleepin with an angel, neva felt so good. Bella," he turned to me and held out a hand. "Whenever you're sleeping and I'm awake, which is always because vampires don't sleep. Because I'm a MONSTER BELLA! A MONSTER! As if you cou-"

"Yeah, yeah. As if I could out run you and so forth."

"OH I ISEE!" Edward buried his face into his hands. "I'm so…so PREDICTABLE!"

Sobbing was heard, only this time, for once it wasn't coming from Edward's vocal cords. It was coming from the man who approached with boom box in hand.

"I think his head is on fire," Jacob squinched his eyes to get a better look at the man who is far off in the distance.

"No, no, no." Edward flipped his wrist. "He's simply an anime character. They all have hair that seems to defy the laws of gravity."

"I…" the mysterious anime character began to speak through heavy sobs. "I…" he came close to us before collapsing in a heap of sobs. "I lost the situation!" he screamed, fist pumping towards the heavens.

"Oh no!" Edward crab walked over to the man, putting a helpful hand on his not outlined nor animated shoulder. "What seems to be the situation here, my rea McCoy loving friend?"

"I am!" the man wept.

"No…" Edward paused. "I mean to say… what is the situation here?"

"Me!" the man fist pumped once more, the tears raining down his cheeks like only a man who had a dire situation could rain.

"Sir…" Edward put his hand to his chin, scratching it as he pondered his next sentence. "What I mean… what is causing the situation currently happening? With the weeping and the… fist… thing?"

"ME!" the man exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "God, man!"

Edward chortoled to himself. "I am no god, my friend," he replied modestly. "While I may have the body of a god… It is only part of what is used to lure in my prey. MY FACE. MY VOICE. MY SCENT. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME LURES YOU IN BELLA I'M DANGEROUS STAY AWAY!" he turned to me as he yelled.

I rolled my eyes, trying to bring him back to the situation at hand. "Edward," I said. "The situation?"

"Yes?" the man replied, looking up expectantly.

"I want to know the situation," I explained.

"Oh!" he stood, holding his boom box in front of his stomach. "Hello there!"

"Hi…?"

"Well!" he said, clearly looking proud of himself. "Now you know!"

"No!" I said, shaking my head. "No! I have no idea what the situation is!"

"Are all you bros dumb?" the spiky haired man sighed, adjusting his boom box so he could fist pound if need be. "I…" he paused, composing himself as though he were about to fall into another fit of weeping. "I wish I could show you The Situation… but that's the situation. The Situation is missing from The Situation. That's the situation."

Everyone stared at the man, mouths agape as though we were large mouthed bass, awaiting the wiggly worm on the hook. That. Sentence. Happened.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jacob was the first to catch on. "Don't you see? His name is The Situation. Whatever is gone is called The Situation, and we're wanting to know what the situation is as in what the issue is!"

"Wait," Edward held up his hands in the time out gesuture. "So his name is the issue?"

"No. It's The Situation," Jacob explained again.

"So what is the name of whatever is missing."

"The situation."

Edward screwed his face up in confusion, then, feeling as if it was no longer worth his brain function he shrugged it off.

"So kind sir. Tell us about The Situation."

"Well," he began, searching the confines of his brains for the right words. "I'm lookin' fo' the right chick, ya know how that is. I like long walks on da beach. Clubbin' is my life. All my friends and I have the same haircut. We go out to the da clubs for Jagga Bombs," he repeated Jagga bombs several times, pointing in different directions as the camera angles changed. "And if girls don't notice me," he did that chopped head of motion with his hand. "Fuckin' skanks. I like getting my swell on at the gym. It's wat I do wen I'm not clubbin."

"OH MY GOD!" I slammed my face into my hands. "Tell us the problem!" I screamed. "You really need to broaden your vocabulary."

"Bella!" Edward gasped, his eyes wide as if I had just thrown a vibrator at his head. "That was not a good deed. THAT WAS A BAD DEED!"

"Well the suggesting he broaden his vocab is a good one," Jacob rationalized.

"True. Bella! Write that and draw that in your little book there. Now sir," he turned back towards The Situation. "What seems to be ailing you?"

"I woke up dis mornin' and dey were gone!" he sniffled, tears began to form at his ducts.

"What were gone?" Edward coaxed, trying to find out what it was that was The Situation's situation.

"The Situation!" the guido wept. "I can't ask de ladies if dey seen da Situation! It ain't dere!" He held up the boom box, revealing an ab-less stomach. We all gasped in realization. We were just hit by The Situation's situation being the lack of The Situation.

"Guys…" Jacob turned to our motley crew, looking sympathetic. "We need to help this man. I… I couldn't imagine life with such a flat, drab looking body. Especially a life spent without a shirt. A life I live. We need to do something for him. We need to do the ultimate good deed! We need to fix The Situation for The Situation!"