Chapter 29 : People of Wal*Mart

Jacob really took the situation of the Situation's lack of situation very seriously. Within moments, he'd stripped himself of his hammer pants and replaced it with an elaborate detective costume, complete with tweed hat and pipe.

"We are on the hunt!" he exclaimed. "Watson! Come here and look at this clever quip I've come up with!"

"Right you are, Holmes!" Edward replied, scratching at his false mustache as he leaned over Jacob's shoulder. "Why! This is…! Is it?"

"It is," Jacob replied, nodding gravely. "We have found it, Watson."

"Oh dear…" Edward put his hands around his face, cupping it like a young child in a Sears style family photograph. "I cannot believe it, Holmes! Your speed is remarkable!"

"What on earth are you two looking at?" I asked, finally taking the bait they had laid for me.

Jacob held a soggy piece of paper up infront of me, blowing bubbles out of his pipe for effect. "Elementary, my dear Bella," he said. "It is but a circular advertisement for a mart filled to the brim with walls."

Edward nodded vigorously, his hammer pants swishing with each shake of his head. "Duh," he added.

"Walmart?" I questioned, putting two and two together. For two idiots Jacob and Edward sure liked cryptic dialogue.

"OH!" The Situation spoke up fro the first time since he told us of his Situation. "I love dat place! I can get my hair gel fo' cheep. I gotta keep this baby gelled twice a day!" he lightly patted his physics deifying hair for emphasis.

"True." I began, not quite sure what good deals on hair gel had to do with solving Situation's situation. "But I don't get ho-"

"Bella," Edward cut in, stepping in front of me a bit. "I'm happy fo you, and Imma let you finish, but Target has the best deals of all time! OF ALL TIME!" feeling his point was mad, Edward nodded once and stepped out of the way.

"Why do we need one of those corporate superstores anyway? Last time I checked they didn't sell human body parts there?" I narrowed my eyes, still not grasping what they were getting at.

"YET!" Jacob pointed a knowing finger in my direction. "But in the mean time we need Wal Marts ample supply of washboards."

"YEAH BELLA!" Edward scoffed, turning his nose up to the heavens. "Dumb."

"Washboards?" I said slowly, taking the idea of the cleansing tool in. "Wait…" I held both of my hands up, patting the air. "Wait… you want to put washboards on The Situation's lack of situation to fix the situation?"

"PRECISELY!" Jacob exclaimed, puffing more bubbles. "The wench can be taught!"

I shook my head. "Guys… washboards aren't abs. You can't put them on a person and make them part of a body. It just doesn't work that way. Washboards are… boards. Used for washing. You don't use stomachs for washing. I mean… I guess you could, but that'd be pretty weird. Where would you put the soap?"

There was a silence and I revelled in it. My words had finally had an effect on my loud and flamboyant companions. I began counting the glorious seconds like mini orgasms. Except better.

However, much like the first time a teenage boy masturbates, it was over far too soon.

"You'd put it in between the pecs, of course," Jacob said. "That's what I do every time I shower. I get the little soap bottle, flex and hold it in my man-clevage. I thought that's what everyone does?"

"That's what I do, of course," Edward said, nodding in agreement. "When I shower that is. You see, vampires don't need to shower often because we don't sweat because WE'RE DANGEROUS STAY AWAY BELLA!" He coughed and continued. "I only really bother when the gel gets too built up in my golden locks and they don't do that thing they do."

"You wash da haihz?" The Situation asked, looking thoroughly confused. If I were to put my emotional state from the past few days into the expression of a human, The Situation's current facial arrangement would be it. "Why would yous wants da gel out?"

"I… Well…" Edward paused, not sure how to explain properly. "Sometimes… my hair… well… it does this…" he moved his hands around his head a bit. "You know. That. And when the gel builds up. It… doesn't. It is like a solid. Not a semi-solid like jell-o though. But more like… pants."

"Pants?" I raised my eyebrow up.

"Yes, Bella. Pants." He sighed. "God. Dumb."

"Yes," I decided it was just easier to be my shallow and vaipid self and just agree with whatever my externally and internally perfect husband said.

"Well dats crazy!" The Situation continued along the previous strain of thought. "I need my haih to stand up to da wind dat blows on da shoa. You can't get chick widout haih like this."

"OH NO!' Jacob looked up to his non-spiked hair. "Is that common knowledge?"

"Yea. All chicks dig a dude with a set o' spikes like dese!" he ran his fingers across the top of his head with a satisfied smile.

"AH!" Jacob pulled his Sherlock Holmes hat further down his head. "I MISSED THE MEMO! WE NEED TO GET TO WALMART ASAP!"

"What do Egyptian posionus snakes have to do with getting to Walmart?" Edward srunched up his face in confusion.

"Those are asps Edward!" I called over my shoulder, for he stood confused while the rest of the group followed quickly after Jacob crab walking with the speed only a man in dire need of hair gel could muster.

"OHHHH!" Edward ran close behind, finally figuring it out. "AS IF YOU COULD OUT RUN ME!" He called to the group quickly gaining. "I'M A MONSTER BELLA! WATCH OUT! I COULD SNAP AT ANY MOMENT!...LIKE NOW!" suddenly, Edward broke out into the West Side Story Jets gait in which they snap when they walk.

"HEY!" Jacob looked on, stopping his determined crabwalk. "That looks fun!" he too joined in on the snapping and walking.

"Dis will def get da ladies. Maybe we can trow in a fist pump or two ay fellas?" The Situation joined in, and the three, in a perfect chorus lined, snapped their way to Walmart.

"WALMART!" Jacob gestured to the neon white sign that was missing a t.

"THIS ISN'T WALMART!" Edward fell to his knees hopelessly. "THIS IS WALMAR! We'll never help the situation get his situation back! We're in a desperate situation!

At this, both Jacob and The Situation fist pumped angrily at the misguiding sign, falling to their knees beside Edward. All three sobbed in unison, making sure to harmonize as they did to impress John Guvermount. He looked on approvingly, screwing his face up into weird expression as him hummed along, trying to keep the right pitch.

"I have perfect pitch you know?" he stopped to inform me. "I have trouble keeping it there, hence the faces, but it's always perfectly accurate. That's why I was given the lofty and presdigious task of conducting the church choir!" he put authorative hands to his hips as R. Kelly looked on with a disappointing head shake.

"That guy is totally wack," his crooing was heard for the first time in chapters. "He's definitely a quack. I can't believe some high school ladies want to feel his sack… sack…sack," he echoed the last part as he faded further into the parking lot we now stood in.

R. Kelly really knew how to express moods. He was like mood lighting in a romantic restaurant which a man would bring a date to if he wanted to insure his getting laid later that night. I wished that Edward would take me on romantic mood lit restaurant filled dates that didn't involve me previously getting almost raped by hoodlums on the streets of Seattle. Alas, I was but a mere human who didn't diserve romantic dates with the perfect vampire which I was so infinitely lucky to have married and claimed as my own.

"Did R. Kelly leave?" Edward asked.

"Nah," Jacob said. "He's just further back in the parking lot. He was just moving for emphasis."

I nodded to show agreement with Jacob's statement. "It would be the worst if he left," I said. "I think he's probably the smart one who holds this group together. He is like the soulful glue of our motley crew. He is the J.C. to our N'Sync."

Edward looked at me with disapproving eyes. "What are you saying, Bella?" he growled. "Everyone knows the glue of N'Sync was Lance."

"Bu—"

"No. Stop talking. Just… God Bella! You're so dumb!"

"I'm dumb?" I shouted, finally getting sick of it. I could take a lot of pressure, but when my N'Sync knowledge gets challenged… well, I just have to take a stand. "I'm not the one who thinks that WalMar isn't WalMart with a burned out lightbulb in the 't'!"

With that, everyone turned to gaze upon the sign again, squinting in the evening light to see if what I said was true.

"It could be an 'l'," Edward huffed defensively. "Or perhaps a capital "I". It's not for sure a 't". You don't have to rub these periods of luck in everyone's face, Bella."

"I think it was more logic than luck," I said. "Either way… Can we just… go in? Get the washboard? Maybe some glue or something? Then write down my good deed, find the fart, send everyone else home and let me finally have my orgasm?"

"OH!" Jacob bobbed up and down like a bouy on stormy seas. "Don't forget the hair gel! I need to get with all the fly chicks!"

"Dat's it son!" The situation highfived Jacob and they imbraced in a man hug, otherwise know as a brug.

"Let's just get this over with," I sighed, stepping on the sensor that allowed the doors to automatically swing open, giving me access to Walmart's inner walls.